Is anyone awake? My life has fallen apart

[StomaInATeacup]

3 months ago my husband told me he thought was trans. He started going to therapy and has been working through it. While I’m supportive of trans identities, I am straight, so he is/was aware that we wouldn’t have a future if that was the path he took. Side note - he’s been to the docs for an autism referral. Anyway the therapist told him he should try and live it as “exposure therapy” and I woke up at 12:15 to find he’d snuck out in the night and has gone back to his mums to take her advice. I’m massively simplified the whole situation but this has left me feeling so anxious and on edge. Hes not going to speak to me while he’s there but expects me to welcome him back with open arms if he realises that’s not the right route for him..

6 weeks ago I had emergency abdominal surgery leaving me with a temporary stoma bag. I still can’t function well and there’s no way I can run a household alone. I was just diagnosed with Crohns a couple of days ago.

To top it off, two of my cats have been spraying due to issues with a neighbour cat. Again I’m simplifying but we have spent hundreds of pounds and even moved house to try and fix the problem but it hasn’t. They are currently in a cattery with someone who is working with them to stop it, but I don’t see how I’m going to have them back with all of this going on

I feel so so ill, my stomach is playing up badly, my mental health was already fragile due to many other issues and I just don’t see how I can come back from all of this

@Bunshine

Hiya, I'm also from the TW threads. This thread is so full of panic and pain, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nights like these are unfortunately all too common for TWs. Often, there seems to be something about gender issues in late-transitioning males that brings out a load of other personality traits that seem very unlike them, and a lot of the suffering TWs endure is trying to come to terms with an about face in behaviour, much of which is incredibly selfish.

Something that helped me when I couldn't calm down from the stress and worry during that time was remembering that it wasn't exactly his behaviour that was causing me such stress. It was my continued emotional attachment to someone that was clearly too unstable to be a good partner, whatever form their issues took.

So, gender issues aside, your partner has demonstrated uncaring and selfish behaviour by leaving suddenly in the night (which was planned!) with no warning after you've had a major surgery and didn't respond when you called to tell you he was OK. Whatever he's going through, he's demonstrated he cannot be relied upon. I could have saved myself loads of trauma if I had known what was coming down the pipeline with my ex and begun to emotionally detach earlier. It will be difficult and may require more logistics, but transferring your energy to people and organisations that can support you will help you to feel safer and calmer. It can feel absolutely devastating, but things WILL get better. Hoping your physical and mental health make a speedy recovery and that you get some sleep. xx

This is all really good advice.

Thank you for all the advice. It’s scary to know this is such a frequent occurrence and can cause such personality changes. It’s just so utterly selfish, I can’t quite believe it. He’s said it’s the worst choice he’s ever made and that he’ll be paying for it the rest of his life, and I can’t help but think 1) don’t fucking do it then? 2) you’re not the victim here. It was your CHOICE.

I can’t stop worrying about the future, I know that I won’t find someone else as accepting as he was of all my quirks. Someone that likes all the same things and will love my cats like I do. I’m terrified of how lonely I will be, I only have my parents and I already have massive anxiety about them dying and me having no one left. I just don’t know how I can live like that, I’ve never felt so utterly alone before

I've been there. It is terrifying and you feel like you're losing so much, (your best friend as well as your husband) but actually your life will be much less stressful going forward, because you will be in control of it.

I would strongly recommend having some therapy to help with your anxiety (although I'm not saying it isn't entirely reasonable to be anxious right now), and to help you through this generally.

You may or may not find some one else, and if you don't you will be OK single.

Don't be afraid to lean on your parents, I'm sure they would want you to

I can’t afford anymore therapy sadly, I’ve been in private therapy a couple of times and now I only just have enough money to pay my bills, and if he takes money from the joint I won’t even be able to afford to live.

They would want me to but I just can’t get over not having anyone, not even a friend to rely on. That upsets me on a normal day and now it’s a real kick in the teeth and reminds me of how alone I really am

You're not alone. Life is not being very kind to you right now but keep going.
There's a ton of support on the TW and other feminist forums.
Lots of cat chat on the Litter Tray forum too. Come over there for a bit of light relief.

@StomaInATeacup

I can’t afford anymore therapy sadly, I’ve been in private therapy a couple of times and now I only just have enough money to pay my bills, and if he takes money from the joint I won’t even be able to afford to live.

They would want me to but I just can’t get over not having anyone, not even a friend to rely on. That upsets me on a normal day and now it’s a real kick in the teeth and reminds me of how alone I really am

See your GP, you should be able to get some counselling on the NHS

I’m worried to post in cat chat because of what’s happened with my boys, I can’t take an emotional beat down if I have to rehome them.

Can the GP do emergency therapy? I had to wait 16 weeks for my time to talk appointments

Don't ask for advice. Just come and enjoy some kitty ambience if you need some like minded company

@StomaInATeacup

I’m worried to post in cat chat because of what’s happened with my boys, I can’t take an emotional beat down if I have to rehome them.

Can the GP do emergency therapy? I had to wait 16 weeks for my time to talk appointments

You'll probably have to wait again but better to get on the list ASAP.

So much of what you've said here I feel like I could have written verbatim a few years ago. My heart goes out to you, it's a tough time.

It is possible that your partner's behaviour may begin to follow a certain 'script' well known to TWs. Elements may emerge (obsession, impulsiveness, self-absorption, doing things that would be deal-breaker rotten in any person of any gender in any relationship) that more parallel the behaviour of someone in active addiction than someone making a thoughtful, measured decision about their future. Its not 100% certain, but knowing its a possibility can help you prepare and save yourself a lot of grief.

I was also very alone and very attached to my ex. But eventually I realised that there are way worse things than being single and I was living them. Finally disengaging from his chaos was one of the most empowering decisions of my life. It wasn't easy though, it felt like jumping into an abyss, and it took a lot of self-work to get there.

You may struggle with an anxious attachment style, have difficulty self-soothing, and perhaps a subconscious fear that you might not be able to survive on your own. This situation may have activated these programs, and anxiety is a completely understandable response to the threat of losing your primary attachment figure if being your own source of safety is not yet developed. Luckily, these things can be addressed in therapy, especially an inner family systems model. This approach involves developing an inner parent to soothe an 'inner child'. We often hand care of this inner child over to our partner, which risks codependency and 'can't live without you' thinking. If that partner becomes unstable, it can be traumatising. It's also not at all uncommon. What would it feel like to be able soothe yourself and not NEED anyone? That is something that is within reach, with work. Focusing on that feeling really helped calm me down.

You can also focus on other questions to help keep you centered and maintain a balanced perspective:

1. What are three things I'm grateful for?
2. What can I find in real life or online that's really beautiful?
3. How can I express gratitude to my body and myself for the things I CAN do?

Sometimes it's not until something comes along that really wallops us that we're able to begin to heal some core issues.

Who knows, maybe I'm totally off the mark and yammering novels into the ether while I'm laid up this weekend with a sprained ankle. But I had to do this all myself and your story sounds really similar. Hopefully it helps. I'm also weird with a capital weird (delightfully so, I think lol) and have since found a stable partner who likes it, though I also struggled with those same fears.

If therapy is currently out of reach...

This is a free pdf book on attachment styles, really helpful:

www.docdroid.net/Q310fW5/amir-levine-rachel-heller-attached-the-new-science-of-adult-attachment-and-how-it-can-help-you-find-and-keep-love-penguin-group-usa-2010-pdf#page=20

Taming your Outer Child is also a fantastic book that works on self-soothing using inner family systems.

Thank you @Bunshine

It very much feels like an addiction, and an obsession. It’s frustrating from the outside because while I’m not bothered how people express themselves (except for my husband dressing as a woman) I don’t believe you can change sex and I don’t understand what would change in his life if he did. He’ll still be the same person with the same issues, but added on the fact he’s thrown his whole life away on a whim.

I 100% have an anxious attachment style but I’ve no idea where it came from, I didn’t have any trauma in my young life so I’ve really got no reason to feel this way.

I’m not very good at those things, my mental health was already rock bottom and this feels like some sort of sick universal joke, so I wouldn’t be able to list things I was grateful for when really I just want to walk into the sea. I just don’t have any strength left for living.

Could you access the rapid assessment service?

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

I don’t believe you can change sex and I don’t understand what would change in his life if he did. He’ll still be the same person with the same issues, but added on the fact he’s thrown his whole life away on a whim.

Honestly, don't waste energy trying to understand or rationalise it. It doesn't make sense and it never will.

It doesn’t make sense but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s just so bizarre, I just can’t cope with it at all

@StomaInATeacup

It doesn’t make sense but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s just so bizarre, I just can’t cope with it at all

of course not... its unimaginable to expect you to understand this ... you literally found out yesterday... this took take years if ever to comprehend...

the thing is ... you never really have to understand... its not your job to understand this...

you focus on you... and if you need help coping from your GP then get an appt soon.. even to talk.. 🌸

this took take years if ever to comprehend...

sorry I mean 'could take years if ever' to comprehend..