So alone

[Clarentine]

Unfortunately the Samaritans are not answering their phones as many people must be needing their help right now. I also did email them about a year ago but didn't get any response. I did check my junk box as well and spam. :-(😞
Anyway nothing is going to happen tonight so nobody needs to worry. I'm just so alone and living in a horror story inside my head. I have waited so many years to feel better but never have. I have really tried. I'm to be congratulated for sticking it out as long as I have since 2013 it has been a void for me. No nothing bad has happened to me, the only had things that have happened I have brought on myself by not being good enough or a nice enough person.

@Clarentine please remember that all of this is temporary, things will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will feel better one day soon. You're a good and kind person who cares for your friends and family and you're suffering right now. I know that if your friends and family knew how you felt they would help you.

I'm sorry you can't get through to The Samaritans, if you feel like you might take your own life please call 999. There are people who care that you live. There is help for you to get better and there are brighter days ahead.

The world would be a darker place without you in it xxx

I have just read your thread, have you been diagnosed with Ocd,
You seem to be suffering with intrusive thoughts which is Ocd.
Just remember these thoughts are not you.
If you feel suicidal please take yourself to A&E where they can help you x

Clarentine I Really hope you're talking with someone now. Please hang in there. It WILL not always be this bad ❤

To be honest your kind comments are making me feel worse. I'm so unworthy of your efforts and it makes me feel bad because I know you wasting your time and it's all hopeless. My friends and family do know. But they're not really friends anyway. I have been waiting a long time and after eight years if it hasn't got better then it's not gonna.

You are not unworthy. You can't trust these negative thoughts. I get that it's been years and you can't imagine feeling better. I really do, its been many years for me too. But it's not the answer. A family member of mine died by suicide. The pain they were in, they passed to their friends and family a hundred fold. Please try and speak to someone.

There is no one.

Hi @Clarentine what kind of night have you had? You must be exhausted going through this on your own day and night. How did it go with the GP on Tuesday?

Thank you Red. It wasn't a bad night by my standards, fell asleep around 2am. Bit of a hard day though, nothing bad in the day itself but feel really quite panicky, breathless and overwhelmed with sadness. A lot of my friends have not replied, it's been over a week. The doctor was so so. I am going back on fluoxetine and propranolol. I do not know if it will work and I feel the feelings I have now are the true reality of things. I never thought I would gave this life, never.

I’m glad you’ve got the drugs lined up- they will start the process of getting you into a better place.

But the feelings you have that are the true reality still have to be dealt with, not covered up by the drugs. You said in an earlier post: ‘In all honesty my life hasn't amounted to much in any aspect, just bad memories and a consciousness of always doing and saying the wrong thing. I have so many good intentions but I always fall short.’

Counselling would help with these feelings of always being wrong in some undefined way. The right sort of help can heal you.

I hope you’ll keep trying the Samaritans too, and keep talking to us here.

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. You are worthy of life and happiness. Please keep trying the samaritans, the fact they are busy shows that unfortunately you're not alone in feeling like this. Please look after yourself.

So alone. Can't sleep and am actually tormented by my thoughts. Devastated at how things have turned out.

Thinking of you OP. If you feel overwhelmed by devastating thoughts find just one that shows even a glimmer of light. Perhaps that you have these supporters thinking of you on Mumsnet - you're not alone. Just sit with that thought to start with and when your mind wanders off bring it back to your thought of choice.

And the sun sets on 32. It's my birthday tomorrow. Don't feel well. I can't even sit in a chair, or settle to anything.

Hi OP. Been thinking of you. Keep posting here. Theres lots of us who care. Lean on everyone you can. If things get really bad go to A&E or call samaritians. Are you doing anything for your birthday?

Thank you for your kindness LadyLola.

I'm so depressed.

This is the worst I've ever felt

Sending you good thoughts OP.

I feel suicidal but I'm nowhere near my planned place and I can't think of another way to do it. The pain is awful. It's the sheer horror of it all. Terrible.

But I won't do it so don't worry. I don't think I need to. I feel like something must happen. It can't go on like this

Please, please go to hospital for help, sending you a vertual hug x

OP I really think its time you thought about going to A&E. If you called an ambulance and told them you feel terrible they will understand xx

The Samaritans are still not answering. The phone just rings. Had to hang up in.the end as the ringing was making me jittery. I feel a prize fool. I'm.im so much agony. I really think this for the best. There is nowhere to go from here.

Please

I am here is you want to chat x

Please. I'm so lonely