So alone

[Clarentine]

Unfortunately the Samaritans are not answering their phones as many people must be needing their help right now. I also did email them about a year ago but didn't get any response. I did check my junk box as well and spam. :-(😞
Anyway nothing is going to happen tonight so nobody needs to worry. I'm just so alone and living in a horror story inside my head. I have waited so many years to feel better but never have. I have really tried. I'm to be congratulated for sticking it out as long as I have since 2013 it has been a void for me. No nothing bad has happened to me, the only had things that have happened I have brought on myself by not being good enough or a nice enough person.

I really think I'm beyond all help. I feel so tired now, terrible night with hardly any sleep. Now feel ill as well as depressed

Sympathies. I've woken up feeling utterly, utterly exhausted and with the same masive headache I've had since Friday.

Def talk to doc re sleep, it's so so important. I take Trazodone - an older style anti d and anti anxiety - at night and it is brilliant for sleep (and anxiety).

Hey Clarentine, a poor nights sleep makes things so much worse. I had the same last night too, tried to pick myself up this morning but then fallout with DH so now I just feel shattered, ill and down. I've had enough too, it just feels relentless sometimes. Good job I haven't got an off switch, I would have gone by now. I feel sorry for my kids whether I'm here or not. Sending you a hug as I could do with one too 😥

Haymaid, I'm so sorry. I'm sure your kids are much better off with you here. Hope we both feel better soon.

Hi Clarentine, when I can’t get through to the Samaritans I try Shout Text 85258 it is a free service giveusashout.org/ like the Samaritans they can take a while to reply but it gives you more options for getting some support.

@Clarentine you wrote something very insightful: you are living in a horror story inside your head. In all likelihood it really is just a story and one you no longer need to believe.

I would start by just getting that story out of your head and onto paper. Write down what you're thinking - especially about yourself. Then read it back. See that most of it (I guess) will just not be true (ie something that every single one of us on this thread would agree is factual). Saying you're not a nice person is not a fact, it's just a story, but it's one that you have probably thought for so long you believe it's true.

Then instead try writing 20 reasons why you are a nice or good person. It need only be tiny things. See how reading this back makes you feel in your body. I bet it's better? Then choose to believe this about yourself instead.

@Clarentine what are you doing now? Am sat in garden.

Hi colouring! Sweet of you to ask. I was sat in the garden earlier also, only now I'm inside. About to have a shower. Still have that churning feeling inside but have a doctors appointment for tomorrow morning. It's so hard to accept my life as it is. It could have been so different. I don't think the mind can take such jolting from overwhelming happiness to utter despair. It's so hard to be strong. The weather forecast is going to be sunny for my birthday so am looking forward to sitting in the garden with my birthday cake.

Oh that is a horribke feeling. My stomach is achy and sick with it. Sounds like you've had a huge loss, I'm so sorry. Is it your birthday tomorrow? Mine's at the end of the month. I'm still in the garden, just lost the sun. But it's a bit better than being inside.

Hope doc appt is helpful. My therapist today suggested I speak to mine...

I have similar problems with difficult thoughts. It's taken over two years to get a medication that works for me, and the right dose. My mind is starting to work again now. I would encourage you to talk in the meantime, to anybody, about anything.

Thank you pp and colouringindoors.

Not exactly a loss, no one has died.

My birthday is at the weekend. I don't care about getting older, fortunately. I still like birthdays for the cake, gifts, cards and outings (in usual times).

In all honesty my life hasn't amounted to much in any aspect, just bad memories and a consciousness of always doing and saying the wrong thing. I have so many good intentions but I always fall short.
It can't hurt for you to also make a gp appointment, especially if your therapist has also recommended it.
My friends have their own problems and so do my family. I can't lean on them any more.

Another terrible night. I don't know why, the days aren't easy, but the nights are always somehow ten times worse. I'm so lonely it makes me feel dizzy.

You are enough OP. Just breathe. Has something made you feel like this?

Nothing recently, I don't know what sparked it off now. I'm so silly and weak. The pain is unbearable. Thank you for your post. You are right, I should be enough.

The pain is unbearable, and yet you're still talking to us, trying to figure it out, expressing your pain… doesn't sound like the actions of a silly, weak person to me. Something in you is fighting incredibly hard.

Thank you ❤

Hi Clarentine

Hi colouring. Sorry I haven't asked about you. Been to selfish and consumed in my own suffering. And how would I even begin, other than to do an Alice in Wonderland and bluntly ask "what's your sorrow?".
Today has been very bad again. I'm so, so ashamed of myself. I feel I deserve all this and probably more. I even got out the Charlotte Mew poems and it's sad. The loneliness and isolation I so connect with. No one understands really. I'm really tired too.

Dont feel bad. I've had some lovely mumsnet support. Sorry you've had a bad day. I've spent most of the day feeling like I'm totally loosing the plot.

I understand.

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sending you good vibes.

I honestly wish it was all over. I won't act on it but I know it. I try to be positive but it's so difficult. I may call in sick tomorrow. It's hard to work when my brain is in torment. I'm so, so, so sad. Even if I had knowledge or belief in a God or an afterlife, it would not change my sadness. As the poem goes, the shadows are never the same. I can never be given back the exact same shadows on the exact same day; they are gibe forever. It is difficult to accept.

hey Clarentine did you stay home today?

Colouring! Sorry I didn't see your message until now. No I worked, I work from home so just did it. The Samaritans are engaged again. I really want to take my own life. I feel like I'm underwater in an aquarium banging on the glass and everyone walking past ignores me or stares blankly. Not that that bothers me particularly. I just can't stand this pain anymore.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/chat-online/

They're offering a new chat service, since you can't get through on the phone might you try that?

So sorry that things are bad for you just now

and I've only just seen yours. Please keep trying the Samaritans Clarentine