So alone

[Clarentine]

Unfortunately the Samaritans are not answering their phones as many people must be needing their help right now. I also did email them about a year ago but didn't get any response. I did check my junk box as well and spam. :-(😞
Anyway nothing is going to happen tonight so nobody needs to worry. I'm just so alone and living in a horror story inside my head. I have waited so many years to feel better but never have. I have really tried. I'm to be congratulated for sticking it out as long as I have since 2013 it has been a void for me. No nothing bad has happened to me, the only had things that have happened I have brought on myself by not being good enough or a nice enough person.

Hey, are you still there? I can't stay long but I'm here and I'm listening.

Thanks, I'm actually going to try and go to bed. Really really tired. Xx

That sounds like a good idea. I often find audiobooks good to go to sleep to as they help distract my thoughts. I hope you manage to get a good night.

Night OP. I hope you get some rest. Please seek help from the emergency services in the night if need be x

Hope you’re feeling better... I used to write out all the shite imtjiughts in my head, it helped slow down the ruminating.. and then ask myself was it true I’m or real or was there another alternative.. it helped me... listen to calm app too, hugs hope you’re ok

Don't worry life will get better for you one day, we have all been in a dark place. Just talk to whoever you can, I honestly think talking to my teenage daughter really helped my situation. Anyway, my page is always open for people to talk. xx

How are you feeling this morning and do you have any plans x

You are all so kind. I'm feeling a little bit better this morning. Had the day off work anyway so just pottering and tidying up. I have to be strong.

Good to hear OP. One step at a time

Nice to hear you feeling a little bit better.
Tell me about yourself, what do you enjoy doing x

Hi Bati. There isn't much to say, since I am a very boring person. I don't have any talents and barely any hobbies. I used to do a bit of yoga. Now I don't do much. I really love fashion and shopping. I also love to read. Now I love gardening, flowers, spotting different birds, butterflies and moths. Even now I love to go for walks. I used to do some colouring in. It's hard for me to motivate to do much now.

Hi OP. Sounds like you have quite a few interests there. I love fashion too. Im going to dust off my sewing machine soon and try some basic sewing following a YouTube tutorial. Is that something you could consider? Im trying to find practical things to do that I enjoy. I hope to be able to move onto simple clothing after that

I don't have many hobbies either.
I do like to read. I have kindle unlimited so can down load quite a few books.
Why don't you make time every day just for you to do what you enjoy, doesn't have to be something amazing just something you like or maybe look at joining a group who have similar interests so then you are out socialising with other people - a bit difficult at the moment but 🤞there is something for you that you can join now x

Hi LadyLola, I don't think I'd be any good at sewing or making clothes. Maybe I'll take up knitting instead. I'm such a tight knitter though, everything takes me ages.
Hi Bati, I know, I do need to find a group, but it's so difficult. The yoga I did before was fun but not ideal for meeting people. I might try a book group next.
It is hard and I'm feeling a bit down again today. Not in unbearable agony like before, but that sort of soft sadness that's always lapping at my shores. When I was suicidal the other day, I reached out to somebody. Now I don't know how to get rid of them. I feel obligated now. If only the Samaritans hadn't been engaged.

Can't sleep again. I honestly feel as if these thoughts or realisations are making me mad, or driving me insane.

Hi, OP. You're not alone, even in the middle of the night. We're here, wishing you well and trying to send you happier thoughts through the ether.

I've been where you are, OP. It is the worst feeling, isn't it? But it will pass, and you are valuable and important and loved. Try to hold onto remembering that one always feels at one's worst in the middle of the night. In sunshine in the garden you won't feel like this. These feelings will pass.

Hold on in there.

Have you got any counselling, or anyone to talk to in real life? Sounds like there might be some issues or history you might need some support with addressing?

Hi OP. Knitting sounds great. There are knitting/crochet groups you can join, maybe try finding one in your area. My friend belongs to one where I live called "stitch and bitch" 🤣
The person you reached out to the other day sounds very caring (and probably worried) and Im sure they mean well. Maybe you could thank them for their support and say if you need to reach out again and if its OK with them, you'll contact them. Say that your feelings come in waves of various strengths and inbetween the big waves you need time to yourself.

Can't sleep.

Feeling slightly better today. I hope my sleep improves soon.

Hope you've had more rest and a peaceful day OP

Hi OP just checking in to see how you've been over the last few days