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Original poster

So alone

96 replies

Clarentine · 06/06/2021 22:52

Unfortunately the Samaritans are not answering their phones as many people must be needing their help right now. I also did email them about a year ago but didn't get any response. I did check my junk box as well and spam. :-(😞
Anyway nothing is going to happen tonight so nobody needs to worry. I'm just so alone and living in a horror story inside my head. I have waited so many years to feel better but never have. I have really tried. I'm to be congratulated for sticking it out as long as I have since 2013 it has been a void for me. No nothing bad has happened to me, the only had things that have happened I have brought on myself by not being good enough or a nice enough person.

OP posts:
Feellikeimsinking · 06/06/2021 22:54

I’m here op. 💐 and un-mumsnetty hugs 🤗

Feellikeimsinking · 06/06/2021 22:56

Your last sentence was particularly sad to read. I know you think it’s because you’ve not been good enough or a nice enough person but the fact you’re even thinking that was leads me to believe it’s your mental health talking rather than a true reflection on you as a person.

colouringindoors · 06/06/2021 22:56

I'm here too. It took me 20 mins to get through to them last night. It was worth holding on, they helped. Sorry to hear you're feeling so dreadful 💐

Original poster
Clarentine · 06/06/2021 22:56

Thank you. I just can't bother my real life friends any more as they themselves have enough on their plates with newborns, family etc and truthfully they don't often reply anyway. Which I do not blame them.for at all, it is wrong and selfish of me to burden them with my own issues.

OP posts:
Feellikeimsinking · 06/06/2021 22:57

@colouringindoors sorry to hear that you are struggling too. 💐

colouringindoors · 06/06/2021 23:01

clarentine keep ringing. It took me a while to get into the queue, but I'm sure you will.

thanks Feellikeimsinking wondering if your name means you're struggling too.

Original poster
Clarentine · 06/06/2021 23:01

Colouringindoors, did you keep on the phoneline while it was ringing until they answered? I can't tonight but maybe will try again tomorrow. Thank you for replying xx

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LadyLolaRuben · 06/06/2021 23:02

We are all here OP chat to us. You're not alone. No one deserves to feel the way you do. What have you been up to today? Do you have any plans for tomorrow? X

colouringindoors · 06/06/2021 23:10

It's hard to remember exactly tbh. I think I rang a few times and got a "we're really busy please try again shortly" type message, then got through to a message saying they'd put me through to a volunteer as soon as possible. It took a little while, maybe 10 mins before I got theough to a lovely volunteer called Michael.

It's really sad it's so hard to get through at the moment. 😓

Hold on.

Original poster
Clarentine · 06/06/2021 23:12

Thank you all for being so kind. Been listening to non-sad music. Sat in the garden this morning. It's not bad there. I hope all of us who are struggling feel better soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarentine · 06/06/2021 23:14

Hi colourimgindoors, thanks again for the reply. Will try holding on tomorrow if I feel I need to call again. I can't call now anymore until tomorrow.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 06/06/2021 23:35

I've enjoyed the garden today too and did a some decorating. A bit of me time and something constructive to dip in and out of I find really helpful. Chatting to my neighbours over the fence, reading on my phone and hot baths are things I find distract and sooth a little. I try to buy something unusual or something I've not eaten before each time I go the supermarket just for variety. Things must be tough right now but lean on everyone you can. Be your own best friend, give yourself the advice you would give someone else x

Original poster
Clarentine · 06/06/2021 23:51

Hi LadyLola, those sound really great ideas. The bath certainly does appeal. Not much in the way of eating. Im afraid I'm so bitter and twisted my advice would be useless. I so ardently wish to die. I get annoyed and frustrated with myself. Well why don't you just do it then. I have an odd belief I won't have to. But I don't know how. I'm just waiting right now. Sadly I know that I will be my next age which means I have at least another week to wait and probably much longer.

OP posts:
Feellikeimsinking · 07/06/2021 00:03

@colouringindoors

clarentine keep ringing. It took me a while to get into the queue, but I'm sure you will.

thanks Feellikeimsinking wondering if your name means you're struggling too.

@colouringindoors I’m doing ok all things considered. I chose the username to talk about my toxic/abusive marriage
Original poster
Clarentine · 07/06/2021 00:52

It's mind-boggling to think if I had done it when I originally wanted to 9 years ago I would have saved myself so much suffering! Ultimately I hoped it would be otherwise, at least I gave it a go (carrying on I mean). My decision was made and it was one that would either be good or bad according to chance. Sadly it turned out to be the wrong decision.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 07/06/2021 00:58

If you're having difficulty sleeping it may be an idea to call the samaritans and wait for someone to take your call - you're awake anyway. Have you spoken to your GP?

JovialNickname · 07/06/2021 01:14

I'm here too x x and I'm sorry you feel so shit. And you are good enough, and you are nice enough. Everyone deserves to be valued as a human being x

Original poster
Clarentine · 07/06/2021 01:27

No doctor can help me. It would need a miracle. Besides, I already tried every type of antidepressant known to man or woman.

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Original poster
Clarentine · 07/06/2021 01:28

Thank you Jovial your message is very kind.

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FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 07/06/2021 01:56

I already tried every type of antidepressant known to man or woman.

Tried an MAOI yet? For a small percentage of people, they work when nothing else does.

Original poster
Clarentine · 07/06/2021 02:22

What's that?

OP posts:
FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 07/06/2021 02:26

An older class of antidepressants, rarely-prescribed now because of food and drug interactions. Generally you'd need a psychiatrist to prescribe it, and it can be hard to persuade them to let you try it. But if you've run the gamut of SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, tetracyclics, etc. and had no joy, they can be worth a go, especially if you have the "atypical" pattern of depression (overeating, oversleeping, reactivity etc.). Main two are phenelzine and tranylcypromine, though there are a couple of other options that avoid some of the interaction problems but are also less effective.

Original poster
Clarentine · 07/06/2021 02:45

I don't know, I don't have overeating or oversleeping, rather the reverse. I don't think it would work. I would try anything though. I feel so awful right now. Terrible intrusive thoughts whirling round and round in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarentine · 07/06/2021 03:43

I'm actually IN HELL. What is wrong with me, crying over things that happened years ago 😢

OP posts:
FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 07/06/2021 03:55

It's shit, feeling so bad… can you get to your doctor for a meds review, see if there's anything that can maybe take the edge off for you? There are always things left to try. New medication classes that weren't around last time you tried, old medications that have fallen out of fashion, different talking therapies, different treatments involving electrical or magnetic stimulation,
new experimental treatments and therapy trials, it's very rare that everything's been tried. And sometimes you do need to push for doctors to think outside the standard few options, which shouldn't be the case but it is, but if the alternative is feeling like this? Got to be worth a go, surely?