Struggling with self hatred

[Sarah62]

Really struggling with feelings of self hatred at the minute. Has anyone else experienced this? OH is supportive and has asked what he/we can to do help but I’m not sure what would help.

I’ve been thinking about triggers to these feelings and it’s often feelings of failure or anything where I have to focus on myself. To avoid these feelings I used to work excessive hours (because I felt I was failing in my job) but gave up my career to be SAHM just before covid so spending every waking hour with the kids during lockdown replaced this. I feel like a pretty rubbish SAHM to be honest.

I am filled with self hatred and like a failure - no career, house a mess, ugly, overweight, few friends.

I can’t face the things that typically are suggested to help mental health eg exercise - the thought of going to buy gym clothes or going to the gym makes me feel ill. I can’t bear to go swimming as I look and feel awful. (I was actually glad our summer holiday was cancelled due to covid because I wouldn’t have to be wear a swimming costume). I’m a size 10/12 but very wobbly after having kids.

Other triggers are spending time on my own, clothes shopping, going for a walk on my own. The warmer weather is a big trigger, the thought of having to take off coats and jumpers etc.

I have one day a week of free time where all the kids are at school/nursery and I struggle to know what to do with this time. I don’t really know what or how to start a new hobby. I try and clean the house but it’s a mess again the next day.

Not sure all this makes sense. Just feeling totally lost and alone. How can I get over these feelings because I feel awful and really like I’m letting my kids and OH down.

Thanks that’s a good idea. I do really struggle to get out if the negative cycle particularly when I’m on my own.

Just spoken to my Dad as I’ve just managed to book my covid vaccine and instead of saying oh that’s great you’ve finally got booked in etc he said ‘oh....that’s a long way to travel, what a pain, oh and you’ll have to go back there for your second dose that’s rubbish’

sigh!!! I worry that this is what I will sound like to other people, nothing positive to say, I don’t want my kids to end up this way either

I came onto the mental health thread as I am feeling pretty awful, just totally overwhelmed with current workload and filled with regret about my life. Another poster recommended this book www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B08HYKQYSL/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8 - you will get through this night, and it’s actually really good. I’m so sorry you feel this way xxxxxxx

Thank you I’ll take a look.

Sorry you feel this way too, can you take some time off work or perhaps sick day if you are struggling?

This is a fantastic book: How to do the work by Nicole LePera. It talks about inner critics, inner children and destructive patterns in a very helpful and accessible way. Very readable. I'm a counsellor and I've been recommending it to clients and friends. It might help you to reframe your early life experiences and better understand how they're affecting you in the present.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Do-Work-Recognise-Patterns/dp/1409197743/ref=asc_df_1409197743/?hvlocphy=9045939&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=499352049769&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-938419976285&hvrand=6182505969970627029

OP it's really good that you recognise your dad is negative about everything. That's him, you have a choice about how you respond to the world. If you expect everything to be shit then it will be! You need to find a way to put him in a box and decide on your own rules for your own life. I do think a therapist would be useful as this is easier said than done!

Please do talk to your GP and get on a list for some counselling. It sounds as though you need a big dose of compassion. We are often our own worst critics.

I second the recommendations of Brene Brown and Subtle art of Not Giving A F*ck.

Dont beat yourself up about procrastinating - you're probably avoiding things because you're afriad of the hard time you will give yourself if you don't do something to your perceived minimum standard (which I bet is a much higher bar for you than for anyone else).

If you had an unconditional carer - think of a fairy godmother, or a big pair of cuddling arms, or an imaginary whatever - what would they say to you? What would you say to someone you loved if the tables were turned?

It's a cliche but you need to learn to love yourself as being enough, every day.

Thank you everyone