Paralysing anxiety and stress - don't know what to do :(

[crazydogmum]

Feeling completely overwhelmed by anxiety which I've been struggling with as long as I can remember. I took two days off sick from work last week as I was just stressed and not able to cope with even the most basic of tasks.

So as not to drip feed, my back story is that I've had a very difficult few years. I was in a previous abusive relationship about 10 years ago - he was arrested multiple times and proceeded to harrass me - I had to give up my business as I didn't feel safe working alone. Then a few years ago another long-term relationship I was in went sour when he also became abusive and took his own severe mental health issues out on me - it was a complete nightmare including him making many threats to hurt me and take his own life, culminating with me forcing him to leave. He then started stalking me (he was charged for this) and then took his own life :( to say it's been nothing short of a nightmare would be an understatement. I was doing okay in the last year or so, but in the last few weeks things have started to unravel again.

I have been having panic attacks, flashbacks, palpitations and awful anxiety that I just cannot shake - I am sure the loneliness and pressures of lockdown hasn't helped, but my stressful job has exacerbated it. I'd told my boss a little while ago that I was struggling (and told him a bit about why) but he seems to just assume it was a temporary thing and I am fine now. In the last year I had changed my job as I needed a change, thinking this one would be less pressured - as my stress threshold is much lower than I could once have coped with. However in the last few months I suddenly got promoted and now manage about 10 people (none of whom I've ever met) - I find it incredibly stressful and draining and I just don't have the energy to give to others right now. I feel like I am massively underperforming at work as I can't keep up with everything, and suffer from imposter syndrome, but can't afford to leave. I have no safety net as I am single (and my ex stole a lot of my savings - a whole other story).

I am going out of my mind with stress and cannot cope with the thought of work right now - just getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting through the day in one piece is enough of a challenge, let alone 6ish hours per day of Zoom calls with my team. I just cannot do it anymore. I have nothing to give.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I feel exhausted from the anxiety taking over every aspect of my life. My heart is racing at the thought of work tomorrow and feel like I want to throw up. I can't even concentrate on reading a book or a TV programme as I have a constant panicked, on-edge feeling.

Just to add: I am also suffering from terrible sadness that I most likely will never have children (getting too old) - I am struggling to deal with this and it is hugely dominating my thoughts and feelings of desperation. I work with a lot of younger colleagues who are settling down, having children and I cannot cope with hearing all their happy news and being full of positivity for them. I just want to run away.

You need to go to your GP. I resisted this for so long but was prescribed some Sertraline and have been so much better overall at coping with life. That was about 2 years ago now.

Note that apart from medication it isn't easy to get other help (counselling etc) on the NHS. I did pay for some private treatment but once I settled on the Sertraline I stopped that as it was about £350 per session :o

@savvy7 thank you for your reply. I was actually prescribed Sertaline a couple of years ago but resisted it. I think medication could help, but I think it's also the realisation that I just can't cope with a high pressured job and it's making things much worse for me - I just don't have the same level of resilience that I used to and feel like I haven't been very kind to myself, constantly overloading myself with stress, always being the team member who is there for others and taking on their problems. And now it's all got too much for me to cope with. I don't even know what to say to my boss, I just want to cry and curl up in a ball.

You poor thing you have had to deal with so much. I would take a real first aid approach to this right now - are you doing anything that gives you some enjoyment or just momentarily a break from your thoughts? Learning to tolerate the present moment will really help anxiety. It sounds patronising but things like a YouTube yoga practice, or just a walk in the sun when it's all feeling overwhelming can help. Or try breathing techniques like counting each in and out breath to 10, then starting again. When you notice your mind racing, tell yourself "head is thinking" repeatedly, to try and avoid getting drawn into the thoughts. Is there anyone you can call or meet for a chat? And can you afford some therapy to process all the stuff you've been through in the last few years?

Sending a handhold. Anxiety is shit

@savvy7 thankfully I have private medical care through work, so this is something I could explore. I just feel tremendous guilt and like I am some kind of fraud. If you were to ask me what I want to do, it would be to take a few weeks off to get myself feeling better then figure out what to do long-term about work (e.g. look around for something else that wouldn't be so stressful). Is this a really bad idea? It would be terrible timing at work as we have a very new team who need a lot of support, but I feel like I am just not strong enough and work is actually making me feel much, much worse. As an aside, I've never been one to take time off sick (and I took less than two weeks when my ex died) and am not a quitter (always brought up not to let others down!) - it really does take a lot for me to be off.

Can you get signed off for a bit? Do you have enough sick pay?

Hi :)

Please don't resist what the GP prescribes you! You wouldn't try to manage without insulin if you had diabetes would you? So why try to manage without serotonin, which is a hormone your brain/emotions needs to function optimally and evenly? Depression and anxiety can have physical causes ie an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, that need to be corrected. If lifestyle changes haven't worked (which obviously I'd always recommend trying first - just like if you were borderline diabetic you'd be asked to tweak your lifestyle before starting meds) then sertraline can help.

I started taking it early Jan. I am much calmer and not anxious at all most of the time. I haven't cried for months and I would let things get the better of me before. I take things in my stride, I'm more motivated. It would take me months to read a book before as I couldn't deal with sitting there and reading more than a couple of pages. Now, I've read 10 books in 2021 so far. Id read more if I had the time! I'm enjoying watching tv series whereas before I just couldn't concentrate on them.

Honestly. Give the sertraline a go. You have nothing to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain!

@Misty9 thank you for the tips, I am going to take a sunny walk today and just try and 'be'. It's hard as I am just walking around panicking about what to do about work and knowing I won't be able to cope. I did go to speak with my parents about it yesterday but my dad made me feel so much worse about myself (he has a habit of 'kicking me while I'm down') and it sent me anxiety sky high so I came home feeling terrible. I am lucky to have a best friend who is totally amazing, loves me unconditionally and has been with me every step of the way and has helped me through some of the darkest times.

You are not a fraud. You've been through a really difficult and traumatic time. I get the feeling of responsibility towards the new team, but you need to look after yourself or you can't look after anyone else

I am going to try to speak with the doctor in the next couple of days to see what he says. It's a new practice so I am already dreading having to tell my 'story' as some of it is quite shocking and takes people by surprise. I just don't know what to say to work, I just don't feel in a fit state to even switch the computer on and open my emails without having a complete meltdown and wanting to throw up :(

OP, it sounds as though you may have PTSD from your abusive relationships. Please access your private medical care. There are treaments and counselling that will help. I think EDMR is an option for PTSD.

Ah, yes avoid talking to people who don't or won't understand... Have you talked to your best friend?

Re work, just self certify sick for 7 days while you talk to the doctor and get signed off. You don't have to tell them anything beyond, stress. Can you self refer to occupational health, when that feels doable?

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants funny you should say that, as it's only been in the last few weeks that I've started to wonder if this could be the case. Last week there was a particularly triggering event that happened (not to me, but happened near my house) that totally overwhelmed me and took me right back to everything that happened a few years ago. It's like being in a nightmare you can't wake up from.

Also, I'd recommend trying mindfulness. Heads space is a free app but I've heard better reviews of Calm. It's ideal to slow everything down when you're panicking.

Have you ever had therapy? Maybe the GO with refer you (or might take some time) but private healthcare may well cover some types.

Exercise is good as is gardening. Sorting out your wardrobe or clearing our your kitchen Tupperware cupboard. Things that occupy you physically and don’t tax you mentally - but focus the mind on something other than your emotions or self.

If you can’t speak to the doctor - write it down - U.K. let points - what the issue is, how you feel and what you want.

Are you able to sleep and eat ok?

Yea - calm and breathe are good but need practice.

*Headspace

@Misty9 yes I talk lots to my friend, and she knows me better than anyone (we've been friends for over 35 years!). She is encouraging me to take time off from work, and totally get it. She actually shared with me a while ago that she had counselling herself about my situation as it was all so traumatic (she had to intervene a few times with me ex and was the first on the 'scene' to support me when he died).

Prior to taking the Sertraline, I had had two previous crippling anxiety periods several years apart.

The first was work related and I gave up that job and coped for a few years after without seeing the GP. The second was not work related and I went to the GP who prescribed something but I didn't take it and I struggled on again. The third episode wasn't work related and this time I had to go to the GP as I felt I was on a hamster wheel of anxiety and I couldn't get off it.

I know we're all different but my experience is that if you're the type of person to be anxious, something will trigger it, if not the job then something else. Now I'm on the Sertraline, I feel so much calmer, things at work don't bother me and I tend to take things in my stride much better.

Please see your GP and treat the anxiety.

That's good she's there for you. It does sound like ptsd - do you get flashbacks (feeling like it's happening right then) and nightmares? EMDR could definitely be helpful by the sound of it. But time is what you need right now, and self compassion

@toffeebutterpopcorn I had about 6 sessions of counselling three years ago but I think I was so fragile still and wasn't honest about how I was really feeling (trying to protect the therapist from my shocking thoughts probably, classic me!) so I don't think it helped.

Just reading some of your later posts it's possible you have PTSD.

As well as the advice above re seeing your GP and taking time off, talk to your boss about stepping back down from the management role. There is no shame in deciding that a role like that isn't for you, and hopefully that can be arranged more quickly and easily than hunting for a new job. Your current company have nothing to gain in letting you get overwhelmed in your current role and plenty to gain in helping to retain you at a level that is manageable for you.

Hypnotherapy can be good for anxiety and PTSD. But you need someone good who is experienced in dealing with depression.