Paralysing anxiety and stress - don't know what to do :(

[crazydogmum]

Feeling completely overwhelmed by anxiety which I've been struggling with as long as I can remember. I took two days off sick from work last week as I was just stressed and not able to cope with even the most basic of tasks.

So as not to drip feed, my back story is that I've had a very difficult few years. I was in a previous abusive relationship about 10 years ago - he was arrested multiple times and proceeded to harrass me - I had to give up my business as I didn't feel safe working alone. Then a few years ago another long-term relationship I was in went sour when he also became abusive and took his own severe mental health issues out on me - it was a complete nightmare including him making many threats to hurt me and take his own life, culminating with me forcing him to leave. He then started stalking me (he was charged for this) and then took his own life :( to say it's been nothing short of a nightmare would be an understatement. I was doing okay in the last year or so, but in the last few weeks things have started to unravel again.

I have been having panic attacks, flashbacks, palpitations and awful anxiety that I just cannot shake - I am sure the loneliness and pressures of lockdown hasn't helped, but my stressful job has exacerbated it. I'd told my boss a little while ago that I was struggling (and told him a bit about why) but he seems to just assume it was a temporary thing and I am fine now. In the last year I had changed my job as I needed a change, thinking this one would be less pressured - as my stress threshold is much lower than I could once have coped with. However in the last few months I suddenly got promoted and now manage about 10 people (none of whom I've ever met) - I find it incredibly stressful and draining and I just don't have the energy to give to others right now. I feel like I am massively underperforming at work as I can't keep up with everything, and suffer from imposter syndrome, but can't afford to leave. I have no safety net as I am single (and my ex stole a lot of my savings - a whole other story).

I am going out of my mind with stress and cannot cope with the thought of work right now - just getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting through the day in one piece is enough of a challenge, let alone 6ish hours per day of Zoom calls with my team. I just cannot do it anymore. I have nothing to give.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I feel exhausted from the anxiety taking over every aspect of my life. My heart is racing at the thought of work tomorrow and feel like I want to throw up. I can't even concentrate on reading a book or a TV programme as I have a constant panicked, on-edge feeling.

Thanks for the concern I sent a note to my boss explaining how I was feeling and saying I was going to speak with the doctor then would be in touch with him about next steps. He said he understood and had some ideas about future work adjustments/gradual return to work if I need to take more time off. So I think this is all positive so far. I have been for a walk this morning and waiting for the doctor to call me at some point.

So glad your boss was receptive and that you've got a plan forming. Well done for taking the first steps

I've spoken with the doctor and feel so relieved to talk it through with a professional. She was so kind and understanding she made me cry with relief. She's agreed Sertraline will be a good idea and has signed me off work for two weeks with a view to review things before the end of next week. Like I just said to her I now feel like there is some hope and just someone giving me "permission" to step away from work for a bit is a huge relief.

Oh OP you absolute star - well done! You've spoken to your work and your doctor and both have been helpful and receptive to working with you to help improve things. Great stuff

Well done for taking the first step and speaking to your GP.
You should ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist/psychologist/psychotherapist especially as you have medical insurance. This is exactly what it's for!

This is amazing progress - well done! Permission to stop is definitely helpful. Do you keep a diary or anything? It might be helpful to record how you're feeling and what helps or doesn't help. You've got this!

@crazydogmum hope you're doing okay today

I'm doing ok thanks, have started on the medication, on my third day now. Still feeling terribly anxious but I understand it can get worse before it gets better. Had a message from my boss saying let's have a call on Wednesday to discuss me coming back on the following Monday - he was all "hopefully you be lots better by next week". Having been struggling with this for months (years?!) I am not sure that I will suddenly be okay in a week's time

I am not speaking with the doctor again before then, so have said to my boss I am ok to talk with him but might not have anything 'new' to report. The doctor said to see how I get on with the medication and let things settle down before we decide on next steps for any kind of therapy - I may be able to get this through work but for now want to follow the GP's advice.

Feeling pressured about the call with my boss - as a manager myself I understand it's quite reasonable of him to request a check in with me, but am stressed about what to say as I am all over the place and can't think straight about anything. It took me about 3 hours just to get up, showered and ready to walk the dog today, due to the anxiety taking hold and slowing me down

And just to give a feel for what I'd have to cope with when I go back to work - I have to do about 5 hours of zoom calls a day plus all my normal independent work. At the moment I am in a state about one short call with my boss let alone sitting in front of a camera with all of the team and direct reports I just don't have the strength right now to cope with it.

I think you'll just have to blunt with your boss about how long it can take to recover once you're this burnt out from his perspective he just needs to know what he needs to do Re cover etc - but that's not your problem. I'd say minimum a month but expect longer. Antidepressants can make you feel quite numb at first, but if you don't get on with them or don't feel they're making any difference then do ask for the options, as there are lots of different ones.

Getting up, showered and walking the dog are all huge achievements, so make sure you're acknowledging that for yourself are you eating?

So I have to speak with my boss tomorrow - he seems to be assuming I'll be back to work on Monday but the thought of it is sending me into a meltdown and I feel so stressed. I've now been on the Sertraline for a week and haven't noticed much difference yet, though did feel extra anxious the first couple of days and was almost confined to my bed as the outside world felt too terrifying.

To be honest, even though I really can't afford to (unless I sell my car that I barely use!), I would rather just leave than go back to work in the state I am in. The thought of trying to supervise and coach eight other people while in this mess is tipping me over the edge I just don't feel strong enough right now. Even the thought of sitting upright in front of a computer is making me feel ill (for the record I've never taken any extended sick leave - I am usually a really hard grafter so this is definitely not my usual style!).

How much time did your gp sign you off for? You don't have to work if you don't feel able to, and I'd advise against making any big decisions, such as quitting, while you're reeling so overwhelmed. Have you had any contact with occupational health yet? You can do this, one day at a time

Just read back and your gp signed you off for 2 weeks. You do not have to have any contact with your boss, far less meetings, in this time. Just say no, and that you want to talk to the gp for a review first?

Sorry @Misty9 which occupational health do you mean? I work for quite a small company so we don't have anything like that.

I just don't know what to say to my boss as I've only had an initial conversation so far with the GP with a view to talking at the end of this week to see how I'm getting on with the medication and talking about next steps re any therapy.

Despite me having explained the whole back story to him previously I think he just doesn't 'get' the situation at all and thinks after a few days of "rest" I'll be fine again. Am dreading speaking to him - it's a bloody video call too

Ah, sorry hadn't realised it's a small company. Sometimes they buy in occupational health input as needed, might be worth asking your boss. Unfortunately many people don't really 'get' mental health issues unless they or someone close to them has experienced it but it might help to have (another) frank conversation about how this won't be a quick fix given what is in the past and is surfacing now. Maybe start the meeting with your agenda - that you're likely to be off a while and what they need from you? Can you have someone support you at the meeting, especially as it's a video call?

This might help www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/discrimination-at-work/telling-my-employer/

So I've just logged into my work system and found that it's been announced that three of my direct reports now have a new manager from next week - and it's been announced before anyone has even spoken with me! Apparently my boss "ideally wanted to discuss with me first" and was "going to tell me on Monday". I am flabbergasted and disappointed that this wasn't even mentioned to me first as a courtesy.

I've been off less than two weeks!

OP, sorry I don’t have time to read the whole thread but I went through something very similar in Jan/Feb and needed 5 weeks off, plus ADs, plus private counselling.
I am LOADS better now - you will recover, I promise, but you need to be honest and firm with your GP and employer about your mental health.
I know it’s hard but you need a proper recovery time.

...my work covered everything for me without complaint. If you are properly signed off, you are off and that’s that.

@Phyllis321 thank you for sharing, I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. I am so disappointed that they've basically changed my team structure and I was the last to hear, it only makes me feel even more out of control.

I can understand that - but you need to prioritise your mental health right now. Once you are feeling stronger, you can focus on your career.
Sending you strength - anxiety can be savage.

How did the meeting go @crazydogmum?

You need proper time off OP - anxiety doesn’t cure itself in a couple of weeks. I’m currently off work long-term with crippling anxiety and can’t function. Luckily my employers have been supportive. Like you it takes me hours to get out of bed and showered and to then take the dog out. I’ve felt huge amounts of guilt but when you can’t function you can’t function. Do use your private medical insurance to get some help - waits on the NHS are horrendous. Hope the meds kick in soon but it can take a while and sometimes you’ll need to look for the right one. Be kind to yourself, that’s an order!