Paralysing anxiety and stress - don't know what to do :(

[crazydogmum]

Feeling completely overwhelmed by anxiety which I've been struggling with as long as I can remember. I took two days off sick from work last week as I was just stressed and not able to cope with even the most basic of tasks.

So as not to drip feed, my back story is that I've had a very difficult few years. I was in a previous abusive relationship about 10 years ago - he was arrested multiple times and proceeded to harrass me - I had to give up my business as I didn't feel safe working alone. Then a few years ago another long-term relationship I was in went sour when he also became abusive and took his own severe mental health issues out on me - it was a complete nightmare including him making many threats to hurt me and take his own life, culminating with me forcing him to leave. He then started stalking me (he was charged for this) and then took his own life :( to say it's been nothing short of a nightmare would be an understatement. I was doing okay in the last year or so, but in the last few weeks things have started to unravel again.

I have been having panic attacks, flashbacks, palpitations and awful anxiety that I just cannot shake - I am sure the loneliness and pressures of lockdown hasn't helped, but my stressful job has exacerbated it. I'd told my boss a little while ago that I was struggling (and told him a bit about why) but he seems to just assume it was a temporary thing and I am fine now. In the last year I had changed my job as I needed a change, thinking this one would be less pressured - as my stress threshold is much lower than I could once have coped with. However in the last few months I suddenly got promoted and now manage about 10 people (none of whom I've ever met) - I find it incredibly stressful and draining and I just don't have the energy to give to others right now. I feel like I am massively underperforming at work as I can't keep up with everything, and suffer from imposter syndrome, but can't afford to leave. I have no safety net as I am single (and my ex stole a lot of my savings - a whole other story).

I am going out of my mind with stress and cannot cope with the thought of work right now - just getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting through the day in one piece is enough of a challenge, let alone 6ish hours per day of Zoom calls with my team. I just cannot do it anymore. I have nothing to give.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I feel exhausted from the anxiety taking over every aspect of my life. My heart is racing at the thought of work tomorrow and feel like I want to throw up. I can't even concentrate on reading a book or a TV programme as I have a constant panicked, on-edge feeling.

You’re poorly! Get yourself to the doctor and let them help you. You’ve been trying to cope with too much and now your body and mind is enforcing rest on you- you need to listen to it. You can and need to be exceptionally kind to yourself but I’d say it isn’t something that you’re going to be able to ‘fix’ on your own so let the professionals help you. Start by taking some time off work this week. Huge hugs, things will get better and posting here is a step in the right direction

It's sad as I have the relevant experience to do the role, and am the most senior tenure-wise (and age-wise), but don't have the strength or coping mechanisms to manage it at the moment. I am not good at failing at things or giving up, and struggle hugely with other people's opinion of me (am definitely a people pleaser!) so this is not helping things.

It's quite possible that you can still do the role if you want to, but you need to look after yourself for the time being. You've kept going and withstood more than a lot of people could, but everyone has a breaking point. Feeling shame is really hard but you will be much harsher and critical of yourself than anyone else would be, so talk to your boss and reach out for support from your friend. You are worth being helped.

I find propranolol works really well for my anxiety - it manages the physical symptoms that make me get into a spiral of panicking, so I can focus on breathing and talking myself down. It stops the heart racing, sweaty, omg I'm having a heart attack type feeling.

EMDR could be a great shout as other people mentioned, I found it really helped during periods where my PTSD felt all consuming.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much, you must be such a fucking warrior to still be here and still be so eloquent and self aware. Be proud of yourself for that, it's no easy feat

I just don't know what to say to work - on the surface I am cheerful and happy, always there for others - my team will be really thrown by this and I have no idea who will do all my work or how I will be able to go back with my head held high.

I just feel so guilty - all I want to do is take some time to myself where I don't have to do or think about anything, and just have 'permission' to switch off from all the stress. It feels so lazy and self-indulgent when I know others also don't have things easy - eg a colleague lost her dad last year and I know has her own struggles. I keep saying to myself why should I think I am so special, others have it much harder!

I am also FREAKING OUT that there are a few half-done bits of work that my boss will find and discover I was not performing I feel so stressed and paralysed with fear about it all.

I am also conscious that saying to work I am partly struggling due to something that happened a few years ago sounds a bit lame and just an excuse to have some time off

In your situation I would force myself to go in this week or even for 2 days and do the half done bits of work with a plan to get signed off sick after this week for 2-3 weeks. You can have something vague like stress related issue on your sick note if you don’t want to go into details or formally call this depression especially if you think you might be ok after a relatively short period of sick leave like this. Although depression is commoner than you think and lots more people are owning up to it these days, which means managers don’t alwyas react with the horror people think they will (especially if you’re depressed and overworryjng about this). If you really think you can’t cope another day then get signed off sick now and explain to your boss that although you aren’t up to coming in at the moment you know you need to just tie up a couple of loose ends at home otherwise it will not only cause issues for then but make your stress worse. But you need to just specifically focus on that rather than having new stuff put in your desk right now, and do the work from home if you can? Also start some SSRIs like sertraline (you sound a bit depressed) but be aware they take a few weeks to kick in and start the ball rolling on the NHS for counselling - some areas have ok availability for this and even those that don’t all the more reason to get on a waiting list quick. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed and need time off for this if it will help and better for your work as well as yourself to do it now than wait until you have a complete nervous breakdown and end up needing 6 months off. Just because others are having a hard time doesn’t mean that you’re not. I would NOT be making any life altering decisions about changing your hours or role etc right now while you’re feeling so low like this. Get better first then make the decisions. You might find when you’ve picked up a bit in mood that actually work isn’t as impossible and overwhelming as it seems right now xx

You don’t have to give “a reason” to work. The pandemic is enough of a reason for anyone to be struggling right now with their mental health.

Obviously you have to give some sort of explanation but I just mean you can just say you are stressed and overwhelmed and don’t feel we’ll enough to perform adequately at work at the moment as a result. They don’t need to know the details.

Anxiety and low mood makes your brain think in certain negative ways - catastrophising and overgeneralising are two I can see in what you're writing. It doesn't mean what you're thinking can't be true, but it's more than likely not helping you. If you've got private insurance get that ball rolling today (they're often open at weekends). It doesn't matter if it was years ago, these things have a way of resurfacing, especially following a hugely unsettling and stressful event like a pandemic.

As for work, you might be surprised that others have had similar issues which they'll share with you, including your boss. Or you might have a rigid and unhelpful boss. Either way unless you do something different now, like take time off and/or seek help, you will keep feeling like this

Are you eating properly? Sleeping? These can hugely deplete our ability to cope if out of kilter. You can regain your equilibrium but not until you halt some of what's coming in and do something to get rid of what's already bubbling up. I hope I don't sound too harsh

So I have been for a country walk this afternoon and found a nice new route which cheered me a bit.

But I spent the whole way stressing about what to do about work this week. The last few weeks (month, years?!) I've been living on my nerves each day and lurching from one meeting or task to the next and not doing a good job of anything. My desk is a mess of random bits of paper and post it notes and my brain is just as chaotic (I do also wonder if I have a bit of ADHD as I just cannot organise myself and find it all very stressful, there is no logic to how I work).

I am dreading waking up tomorrow as I don't have the willpower, strength or motivation to do it any more.

Do you write lists or a weekly diary?

I do have lists and a calendar which I try to work from. But my anxiety sends everything out the window so I cannot focus on anything. I'm all over the place and it becomes a scattergun approach. I feel so out of my depth as I cannot concentrate for more than a couple of minutes.

Am sat here with my heart racing again at just the thought of what to say to my manager, what to tell my team. Either way, whether I work tomorrow or not, I am feeling sick and paralysed with anxiety. I haven't been able to eat dinner as I am feeling so confused about what to do. I am no good at letting people down and feel like whatever I decide, others are going to suffer and I feel like the world's worst manager.

Can you try to breathe out for longer than in? Or at least in for 4 and out for 4? It will help the adrenalin your body is releasing to plateau.

The best managers lead by example - what would you advise a member of your team in your position? What would you say to your friend if she said all you've written here?

@Misty9 yep, I get that, and I totally agree. I just feel that at the moment I am not up to being a good manager and I have too much going on and just feel broken and totally drained with nothing to give to others

Oh lovely I really wish I could do something to help other than just write words on here. What I meant was that looking after yourself is being a good manager. Have you managed to eat anything?

Thank you yes I've had some cheese and crackers. Now sat in bed wondering what the hell to say to my boss tomorrow. Really what I want to say is "I feel so ill, and this job is making me feel so much worse, I just want to run away". But I need to come up with something a bit better than that

Glad you've eaten something. Why don't you say something like, this past year has been really stressful and has brought up stuff that happened a few years ago which you're struggling to cope with. You're worried about your psychological wellbeing and really think you need some time off.

I'm off to sleep now. I hope you manage to get some rest

How are you doing today OP?

@crazydogmum I hope you managed to get some rest and have sorted something with work this morning