Feeling completely overwhelmed by anxiety which I've been struggling with as long as I can remember. I took two days off sick from work last week as I was just stressed and not able to cope with even the most basic of tasks.
So as not to drip feed, my back story is that I've had a very difficult few years. I was in a previous abusive relationship about 10 years ago - he was arrested multiple times and proceeded to harrass me - I had to give up my business as I didn't feel safe working alone. Then a few years ago another long-term relationship I was in went sour when he also became abusive and took his own severe mental health issues out on me - it was a complete nightmare including him making many threats to hurt me and take his own life, culminating with me forcing him to leave. He then started stalking me (he was charged for this) and then took his own life :( to say it's been nothing short of a nightmare would be an understatement. I was doing okay in the last year or so, but in the last few weeks things have started to unravel again.
I have been having panic attacks, flashbacks, palpitations and awful anxiety that I just cannot shake - I am sure the loneliness and pressures of lockdown hasn't helped, but my stressful job has exacerbated it. I'd told my boss a little while ago that I was struggling (and told him a bit about why) but he seems to just assume it was a temporary thing and I am fine now. In the last year I had changed my job as I needed a change, thinking this one would be less pressured - as my stress threshold is much lower than I could once have coped with. However in the last few months I suddenly got promoted and now manage about 10 people (none of whom I've ever met) - I find it incredibly stressful and draining and I just don't have the energy to give to others right now. I feel like I am massively underperforming at work as I can't keep up with everything, and suffer from imposter syndrome, but can't afford to leave. I have no safety net as I am single (and my ex stole a lot of my savings - a whole other story).
I am going out of my mind with stress and cannot cope with the thought of work right now - just getting out of bed, taking a shower and getting through the day in one piece is enough of a challenge, let alone 6ish hours per day of Zoom calls with my team. I just cannot do it anymore. I have nothing to give.
Please, does anyone have any advice? I feel exhausted from the anxiety taking over every aspect of my life. My heart is racing at the thought of work tomorrow and feel like I want to throw up. I can't even concentrate on reading a book or a TV programme as I have a constant panicked, on-edge feeling.