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Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

999 replies

Stilllivinginazoo · 09/03/2021 16:49

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

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Thread gallery
12
Freedomprogramme · 23/08/2021 11:07

whoo-hoo, he had a lie-in!

KindSoul · 23/08/2021 19:18

Thank you very much @1leapforward2back, very helpful tips! And what about parents? Are there any resources/books to learn how to help kids? I read about parents led CBT trainings, is this smth accessible for all? Thanks a lot!

pinkpip100 · 23/08/2021 20:45

Hello all, I wonder if I could ask for advice about when to seek help?
Dd (12) has had anxiety about vomiting/sickness for several years now (since she was 6 or 7). It has at times led to her struggling to eat, and even during a 'good' phase she is very careful about what and where she eats, doesn't like sleepovers or having dinner at friend's houses etc. Recently it seems to have notched up and become more generalised e.g not wanting to be out / away from the family for more than a couple of hours at a time, turning down invitations from friends, becoming stressed and panicky very easily. Today she was supposed to start a 3 day ballet summer school (non-residential as she wouldn't cope with being away from home), and had been looking forward to it, although a little worried. But this morning had a 'meltdown' and just couldn't go, so we have had to pull her out of the whole thing.
I am not sure whether this is something we can continue to work on ourselves through books / coping strategies etc, or whether it's reached the stage that we should seek some outside help or support.

Runnerduck34 · 23/08/2021 23:32

Welcome @pinkpip100
I'm sorry your DD is suffering with anxiety and you have had to cancel the ballet course.
It does sound like your DD could benefit from some extra support.
Are school or GP able to offer help or point you in the right direction?
Not sure if all areas of UK are the same but
It might be worth asking school about a referral to early help.
Getting help takes time and ime a lot of form so I would start the process now , answer all questions as in a worse day scenario.
I think I ignored or missed some early warning signs with my DD, by the time she was accepted for a referral for camhs and got to top of waiting list she was so shut down they said they couldn't help her as she wasn't willing to engage so I think the sooner you reach out for help the better.
@anneofavonlea please can I ask what OT therapy is? I know its occupational therapy but, sorry if it's a daft question!, what do they actually do during therapy sessions? And how did you get it for your DC?
DD ( who has ASC and anxiety) is seeing a private therapist but we are struggling to get her there and once there she doesn't really open up so maybe OT would help?

pinkpip100 · 24/08/2021 08:01

Thank you @Runnerduck34 - I was thinking of making a GP appointment as a first step, but maybe I'll speak to the school too. Dd is going through puberty at the moment which I imagine isn't helping things - she has always been very open with me about how she is feeling but I'm worried that will change as she moves into the teen years.

Stilllivinginazoo · 24/08/2021 17:01

Welcome pinkpip
I would definitely speak to school and to your g.p.
I have pm you.x

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1leapforward2back · 25/08/2021 14:55

Welcome Pink, another one saying speak to the GP and school. I agree with Runner, the earlier you seek help the better, once issues become embedded and things teach crisis it is much harder.

Zoo thinking about and deciding what to focus on is a huge step. Have you heard anything from sixth form yet?

Freedom if recovery is complex the team should have, or be able to refer to, someone DS can speak to.

Runner OT is usually more practical based with the aim of giving DC the tools to cope and solve problems themselves. For example independent living skills, improving their ability to cope with everyday life, understanding and recognising emotions, helping DC cope with sensory differences.

Kind Young minds have a parents helpline. If your DC is waiting to be assessed or has recently been diagnosed with something like ASD Scope have a parents mentoring service. There's also various courses such as Earlybirds/earlybirds plus/cygnets for parents of recently diagnosed autistic DC. You can also ask your GP to refer you to your local IAPT service if needed, depending on your area you may be able to refer yourself.

Once you are being seen by CAMHS there are various courses they can refer you to - from sensory courses to filial therapy to NVR training, although parent led CBT isn't big in CAMHS. Books depend on how old your DC is.

Stilllivinginazoo · 26/08/2021 07:04

jump nope.the staff are in Thursday and Friday next week before dc return on the Monday,so I assume will hear then
Wedding anxiety is ramping up here.we have agreed better to attend ceremony and photos and not try for meal or evening do or we have literally no chance getting dd2 there.im feeling a bit sad,but at least we are present rather than pushing for all and knowing we won't even be there.
Popping to venue tom morning to see where they will go/sit etc during the ceremony
Lots probs over lil zoo returning whilst dd1 on honeymt.we saw her yesterday to pop Costa/park.complained acute gut pain.virtually blanked me and only spoke limited amount D's/dd2.i was contemplating a mini break to a caravan at seaside but after that D's and DD adamant won't go with her which makes meverysad.a chat with dd1 reveals she kicks off with shut down)refuse communication of feels any judgementor something doesn't want to do.thunk dd1 has realised that they are stuck permanently with her doing her own thing unless they get former which will be the plans on her return
All I know is that's going to be hard on newlyweds and the week they're aware is going to be extremely stressful

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FiveMoreMinutesPlease · 26/08/2021 08:05

Hi everyone,
popping back in after a summer break. Summer has been great for my DD. She broke up after GCSES in may and has rested. Been on holiday and saw friends a bit. I wish she'd made more of an effort to see them but some have sadly moved on friendship wise after she had missed so much time off school. Anyway, she passed her GCSES and is off to college next week. Yay.

We have also changed her meds from Fluoxetine to sertraline. I was never convinced by the fluoxetine as I think it never got rid of her dark thoughts and her anxiety seemed to get worse m. However that y11 stress was also unhelpful. She is now on 50mg of sertraline and yesterday told me her mood was a 6 or 7 out of 10. Coming from where we were in November with suicidal ideation and action that is massive.

However, next week will be the BIG test, starting 6th firm at her school, with the same friends and those surrounding friendship issues. I am anxious but trying not to show it.

I wish everyone good luck with the stress and problems September will surely throw our way.

alwaysscared · 26/08/2021 09:54

I'm still stuck and don't know what to do. We pushed him on Saturday to go to local park, we pushed him Sunday to go to a park further away, we had friends over on Monday, which he was anxious about but had a fun time but his sleep got worse and worse as those days went on. By Monday night he wasn't sleeping until 2am. We had a day at home Tuesday and he managed to go to sleep at 12. Then we pushed yesterday for trip to park, which ended in massive panic attack. Do we keep pushing? New school are aware and we are not expecting to start in September but how long can this go on for. Just for info, the panic attack yesterday was due to seeing horse poo. We can't shield him from seeing gross stuff but they really affect him

pinkpip100 · 26/08/2021 11:16

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I spoke to the GP (locum so not someone who knows dd) but he said there was nothing they could do at this stage, she wouldn't qualify for CAMHS or RISE apparently and isn't losing weight so nothing medical to address. They've signposted me to a local charity that offers mentoring for young people, not sure this is in their remit but I have filled in a referral anyway. Next step will be to email school, but I'll wait until they're back in next week.

Roxie55 · 26/08/2021 12:12

Great news your daughter had a good summer @FiveMoreMinutesPlease we also found the change from fluoxetine to sertraline made a big difference. Fingers crossed it continues.

@alwaysscared melatonin can help with sleep. A few people on here DC take it. Good to hear DS has managed out of his comfort zone. Would you consider going private for a child psychiatrist? Medication should help calm anxiety.

@pinkpip100 my DD is a bit younger than yours but you might find some info from our story helpful. You can search under my username or feel free to pm me.

Stilllivinginazoo · 26/08/2021 13:27

pink if she's avoiding/has reduced quality of life I would've expected that to meet camhs criteria?(jump may be able to clarify that)
Always what specifically bothered hom about it?was it the look/smell/fear of germs?personally I'd keep pushing bitter experience has taught me harder to claw back that keep going and less you do smaller their capacity to cope becomes.snd effects are RAPID in the decline.if you can work out exact trigger you can try some logic?

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alwaysscared · 26/08/2021 14:41

@Stilllivinginazoo he doesn't react well to things he perceives to be 'gross' which is all animal poo, even food we eat etc. It's all part of his sensory stuff. They make him heave and have twice made him sick, which I think has traumatised him. It's so hard because obviously there is animal poo everywhere! And he looks for it, always looking down at the ground.
We have managed to venture a bit further today, with a lot of anxiety and bribery!

1leapforward2back · 26/08/2021 15:30

Five that is a wonderful post. Good luck next week.

Unfortunately Pink, from what you have posted unless you really push it is unlikely you will be accepted by CAMHS. Although if you do push it is possible to be accepted for assessment and treatment. If DD is a normal weight, isn't losing weight and is taking in sufficient calories ED services aren't going to be interested. Check the junior MARSIPAN criteria to check DD isn't hitting any warning signs.

Most areas have voluntary services that offer tier 1 &/or tier 2 services. If after assessment or interventions they feel more specialist help is necessary they can refer on, or ask the GP to. Speak to the school as well.

Always you are making brilliant progress. You have to hold on to that when times are difficult. But I think you are going too fast. Have a read about pacing. At the moment DS is using all his energy being pushed out of his comfort zone and beyond. He needs to work towards doing something each day rather than lots some days and nothing others because he is burnt out. Then you can build up what he can manage. For example, at the moment a walk to the local park each day is better for recovery than the park one day, a park further away the next, then friends over, before being too exhausted to do anything on Tuesday. Then once DS is managing a local walk each day you can build in up and add other things in. Meeting friends on Monday was probably too big a step after Saturday and Sunday. When you are seen by CAMHS you can ask about melatonin. In the meantime it is possible to buy it. Has DS had a sensory OT assessment?

Zoo can DS and DD2 be persuaded a change of scene may actually help? Neutral territory, gets everyone away from the house and gives you all something else for focus on. I think DD2 needs to set more boundaries, telling DD3 she can't stay long term, must come home to you but is welcome to stay some weekends as she is previously. It isn't feasible for DD1 to care for DD3 long term.

teelizzy · 26/08/2021 15:31

Just when things seemed calmer....:

friend of DD1(15) has died, most likely an overdose. Not a close close friend but defo part of her friendship group.

She's had an awful 18 months MH wise (self harm, swallowing foreign objects, multiple A&E visits and 4 admissions) and I'm terrified this will lead to another crisis.

What to do....

FiveMoreMinutesPlease · 26/08/2021 15:49

@teelizzy that is awful news. Don't know what to say but my heart goes out to her parents and friends, and to your daughter who has so much to already cope with. So sad.

Stilllivinginazoo · 26/08/2021 16:13

tee sending hugs.i can't imagine what her parents are going thru,nor what reaction of DD to the news will be.x

Jump joys of rigid thinking,idea strange location is highly anxiety provoking without adding in any troubles from lil zoo.i not going to lie,at home I can step away from it all,away I cannot so I'm stuck in confines of a caravan with a scowling child that won't communicate,emitating hostility and a history minor cutting so I can't go out and leave her

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Stilllivinginazoo · 26/08/2021 16:15

*when I stay step away,being on different floors,standing in the garden etc.hardly calming step outside in a caravan park,plus scissors/knives etc are less likely to be noticed as squirreled away in a strange place?

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alwaysscared · 26/08/2021 17:20

@1leapforward2back yes you are right, although he is only doing 1 thing a day, we keep changing it up to see how far we can get with him and maybe that is the wrong strategy.
No sensory help at all, I presume this will come when we see CAHMS or get his diagnosis? I don't know

teelizzy · 27/08/2021 10:02

@FiveMoreMinutesPlease thank you. She had long chats with DH and cuddles with me last night and also talked with her regular therapist.

I couldn't stop thinking about the poor girls family, the loss of a young adult is so tragic. It also brings to the surface all the fear I've felt over the last year and a half about what might happen to DD1.

teelizzy · 27/08/2021 11:44

@Stilllivinginazoo we have just been through this having gone away from home for the first time since last July. DD1 went away for a week with my sister and cousin and their kids, all really positive but I felt put a lot of responsibility on them plus they were by the sea and surfing. DD has livid self harm scars on the whole of her left arm and both thighs which I warned them about but they are still shocking to see.

Plus we were staying at my aunts so there was plenty of opportunity to ferret out sharps etc which we lock up at home, not that it stops her getting hold of blades.

Actually she did really well, and so far has done ok since came back, though there has been one cutting episode.

Much harder for DH and I to let go of our anxiety.

AnneOfAvonlea · 29/08/2021 18:09

Welcome to everyone who is new. I am an infrequent regular.
Dd has put on some weight following her operation recently which has great and has been paddle boarding too which is good. She went to school last week for a brief visit bit she is now very anxious about starting back as everything is different- teachers, classrooms etc. Not looking forward to next week weeks. Our tribunal hearing is at the start of January :/

Sorry to hear of ongoing troubles. It feels relentless and makes you wonder if jt will ever get better. All I can suggest is look for the break in the clouds and soak it up.

Stilllivinginazoo · 29/08/2021 18:38

I bring some good news today
Dd1 wedding was beautiful💖
DS did great,managed ceremony and photos.lil zoo was scheduled stay for meal.ds agree stay with her we were offered option joinchairs were set but she freaked and we went to bolthole room booked in the hotel and she cry hysterically an hour then was much better!did speeches

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Runnerduck34 · 29/08/2021 22:52

@Stilllivinginazoo, thats such fabulous news, I am so pleased you all had such a good day.
@teelizzy sorry to hear the sad news, something like this does really shake you up, its heartbreaking.
@1leapforward2back- thank you for OT explanation, I will ask CAHMS about OT, DD struggles to engage with therapy so maybe OT would be more helpful.
We have just got back from a week away in UK, DD did really well, she went out for at least a short time every day and on some days managed a whole day. I want to try and keep momentum going but at home she has no interest in going out or spending time with family or friends.
She seems to be developing bad tics which is a concern, was very noticeable on holiday-maybe worse due to increased anxiety whilst being away , and maybe we noticed them more as she spent a lot of time with us (rather than hiding in her room) she didnt have tics before starting setraline so I am not sure if its a side effect from medication, either way its a worrying development.
Still no news on EHCP, we submitted our comments on the draft over 2 weeks ago, just want to get it finalised so we can move on to tribunal if necessary. School have told us they have responded to LA consultation to say they cant meet need,but we but we havent been informed of this by LA, panel recommended mainstream. The whole process is frustratingly slow, been over 30 weeks now and allegedly its meant to take 20!
I am starting to feel anxious about DDs return to school on Friday , so goodness knows how anxious DD must be. I'm dreading trying to get her into school whilst juggling with work, chasing EHCP and DDs appointments. School holidays bought welcome relief from that pressure . I hope everyone has a good week and back to school goes as smoothly as it can.