Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

Welcome Maitre. Can you take a step back with school work and speak to school about more SEN support?

Runner I hope you manage to go away. Schools shouldn't be consulted until you've had the opportunity to make representations and name your preferred placement. Schools then have 15 days to reply to consultations.

always start with IPSEA's model letter. If DS won't be starting the new school in September ensure the LA provide medical needs tuition in the interim. If DS can manage the journey you could go with no pressure to actually do anything once there, he can do as much or as little as he can manage with time away from others as needed. This depends on what your family are like, will they listen to you if you say DS can't manage something or will they heap pressure/guilt on him?

@1jumpforward2back
We have a tutor up until at least December, but we need a tutor change as the guy isn't primary trained and DS just doesn't really like him.
There may be some pressure from family, but more judgement towards me as they see his anxiety is a result of my anxiety. They don't believe he is autistic either, doesn't matter that every professional we have seen think it is, because we don't have a diagnosis they don't believe it. It's tough, I'm always judged by them, and have been since he was born, but in a very subtle way, especially with his eating and the amount of screen time he has.

@Always, its hard when you feel judged, DD has recently been diagnosed with autism and it has been met with disbelief by some family/ friends, I have been told I need to toughen up and insist she goes to school, I think a lot of people dont really get it, is DS on waiting list for ASC assessment? Definitely pursue EHCP, fingers crossed for family visit.
@Maitre , that must have been really hard to read that note but its so good she could tell you, Im pleased counseling went well hopefully she will go back. Cycle of missing school work sounds very familiar, have you spoken to school about it to see if they can give support and
perhaps reassure DD?
@Zoo- so very pleased outing went well, 5 hours is massive achievement! I so hope the wedding goes and well and DD manages your oldest daughters wedding, I think your plan sounds sensible, it would be heartbreaking not to be able to go at all. Is there anyone who can support you on the day? Or somewhere quiet DD can retreat to? Would she be ok sitting with you during the meal and not eating?

@Runnerduck34 yes we are on the pathway for diagnosis. I have had everyone telling me I need to be tougher on him, it angers me because they don't live with him, don't know him. I'm currently sat up with him for about the 100th night because he is too anxious to sleep. We usually get to sleep around 12-1am. Of course, this is my fault too because I don't force him to go out so he doesn't burn off energy and I also let him sleep in too long, the list is endless

always there will always be someone who disputes what you do.this is regardless of whether you have anxious children or not.the thing about parenting is we all do it a bit differently,there's no one size fits all and for some reason parenting seems to be a topic others feel free to criticize.thwy wouldn't dream telling you how to do an office job,but your job as mum seems fair game to comment on😤
You will always do what you believe is in the best interests of your child.you will always do what you HAVE to in order to keep going.and that's ok if it works for you as a family.and when it doesn't we re evaluate,adjust and continue.that is how most of us get by.yoir child needs you to support them,and as they get older to help support them learning to take control of it themselves.for some this is a long slow process,esp if Sen need is part of the picture.
In the scheme of things others opinions are not worth the stress.in the it does get easier to let comment glide over your head

Always there is always someone ready to judge you as a parent of a child with additional needs. Ignore, they aren't in your shoes.

Zoo is right, one size doesn't fit all. Even on a support thread like this not all advice will work for everyone, everyone's circumstances and DC are different.

There are plenty of ways to tire DS out (physically and mentally) inside. Could you get an indoor mini trampoline? DS1&3 use ours daily to aid self regulation and also for physio. Viking's DS's also find an indoor trampoline helpful. Advice is usually you shouldn't let DS sleep in despite it increasing sleep time in the short term because it's not helpful long term as you then end up in a vicious circle of going to sleep later and waking later. I say this absolutely not as judgement or criticism, just what advice is normally given.

Hello everyone!
I am new to this forum and I see that there are so many posts already written that it is quite easy to get lost.. It seems all of you are so knowledgeable and doing so much to help your kids! Supermoms!
I am originally not from the UK so I am not really familiar with the system here. What is the process you normally follow if the child has anxiety or other mental health issues? Do you go to GP and ask for referrals or there are other ways which are more efficient? Do you use any applications which help you to help your kids? Want to understand how the system works here. Thank you very much for your guidance!

Welcome kindsoul
Let's start at the beginning.
How old is you child/children?
How long have they struggled with anxiety?
What does that look like for them?
Does it impact you/rest family unit?

@Stilllivinginazoo
Thanks so much for your lovely message - read it early this morning when I couldn't sleep and it made me blub! Yes, youre right- am finding it very draining with constant worrying and am quite run down. Therapist questioned her quite skilfully and it became clear there's no 'plan', re her scary note, of any kind, she just wants the pressure to end, exactly as you say.
I am really glad your Dd's outing went well and think your plan is a really good one for the wedding too. Weddings are so looonng...having somewhere to retreat to, as @Runnerduck says, is a good call. @1jump thank you - want very much to tell her to stuff the schoolwork but it's not an option - from past experience I know there will be a total mad panic the night before term starts if she hasn't done 'enough-. Interested you mentuon SEN support, what do you mean? School aware of anxiety and she's had a few talking sessions with a teacher who has had some resilience type training. Nothing formal has been mentioned though.

I feel completely broken today. It's too much, I'm exhausted. It's so hard, he sometimes uses his anxiety as an excuse not to do anything and sometimes it's genuine.
He spends all his time on the iPad or PS4 and we have just let him do that, now it seems we have created a monster. I don't know how to deal with it and just want to quit life now.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying this but I'm finding it really bloody hard. I've got swollen glands in neck and due on so that's probably why I'm feeling so defeated.

@Stilllivinginazoo so glad DD2 had a good day out with a friend! Hopefully it might lead to more outings.

@alwaysscared when DD was struggling playing on her iPad really helped and the psychiatrist said to keep allowing her access and as she started to feel better she would show interest in other things that she enjoyed again. That’s exactly what happened. It’s great to hear DS managed to the park too. These positives keep us going.

After a very anxious night on Monday DD went back to school with no problem on Tuesday. She had a great day. I had taken her in to meet with her teacher for 20 minutes on the Monday afternoon (inset) and that helped. I have a meeting with Depute Head and Ed Psych next Friday so some new strategies can be discussed if anxiety tries to take over again. DD was meant to have therapy this afternoon but I re-scheduled as she’s been doing well at school and I wanted her to have a full week back. It’s CBT like therapy @1jumpforward2back to be honest I hadn’t considered any other type of therapy but may need to if she finds talking about her anxiety difficult as she has done in the past. She would enjoy art therapy.

As always hope everyone is well.

@alwaysscared

That's rough. My kids are online a lot too by the way but it's something that has happened because of Covid. I hope you're ok. Can you go to bed for a bit? This is my new coping strategy

Hi there,
I’m hoping to join and be taken under someone’s wing re my 18 year old.

(Of course what I really want is for someone else to take charge and fix all of this but hey Ho that’s not going to happen is it?)

@Freedomprogramme another newbie here....Welcome!

Roxie that's wonderful news!well done DD for first week back
Freedomprogramme welcome
Would you like to tell us about where you are at right now?

Freedom, welcome, accepting that you can't make everything 'better' is one of the hardest things to accept.

Welcome Kindsoul. The first point of contact would be your GP. Depending on the severity of the MH conditions they may refer to CAMHS or to a local organisation that offers counselling or signpost you to speak to the school. If you or the GP suspect another condition e.g. ASD you may be referred for an assessment - depending on your area if may be CAMHS that assess or a neurodevelopmental community paed. It is also possible to go private.

You can ask school for help, schools often have staff who can deliver interventions that can help. If needs are more severe you can apply for a plan that can secure more support - the process depends on whether you are in England, Wales, Scotland or NI.

Maitre I would question why a primary aged child had so much work over the summer that they are overwhelmed. Can it not be scaled back? Academics are of little use if you can't function in everyday life. If DD can not cope now secondary is going to be very hard for her. SEN support is where schools offer additional interventions - like what DD has already received. Schools can offer a range of interventions and adjustments - nurture groups, ELSA, counselling, drawing and talking, Lego therapy, social skills group, time out card...

Roxie I hope DD continues to manage school.

Always DS using the anxiety as an excuse sometimes is one of the reason why it's important to push DC and learn the signs as to when you need to stop pushing because continuing would be harmful. DC with MH conditions sometimes can't rationalise something is in heir best interests and need pushing. I know Roxie was advised differently, but common advice is to limit screen time, it often doesn't help to have huge amounts of time on it.

I think accepting that I belong here is step 1. Thanks for the welcome.

Ds is going to Uni in October. He has got a series of injuries,including to the voice, that have closed off his usual avenues of socialisation and fitness. He feels like he won’t be able to be his true self there. Various physical therapists have told him to stop overthinking whilst issuing contradictory instructions. We can’t seem to get ahead of this.

As a result, anxiety has flared. He cries a lot. Often he “dumps” his feelings on me first thing in the morning, before I start my demanding job.

My own mum is “codependent” with my two brothers, neither of whom have ever sustained a meaningful relationship. So I don’t have a good model for helping an anxious adult child. So it’s hard to find the balance between helping him and keeping healthy boundaries.

His anxiety patterns are similar to my own which doesn’t help......

freedom I'm moving into similar territory with dd2.she should be doing year 2 of a levels,but missed a huge chunk last year because of anxiety/depression so we are awaiting news if she's being given permission to resit year 12..
In Recent months she's begun to show many signs of my anxiety and it's been an uncomfortable eye opener I don't manage it as well as I thought I did,and how hard it is watch someone you live fighting this inward battle say after day.mum guilt is starting to overwhelm me.
I've started taking stronger steps with my own anxiety,in hope it models better coping strategies for her.its very hard being firm with them and trying to control your own rising panic,but I am determined to keep trying.ive bought a self help book for myself,and gave started guided meditation alongside the daily walks we have done together for a long time

Freedom it is good DS is talking to you and sharing how he feels. Has he spoken to his GP about how he feels, or the doctor treating his injuries? If the injury is going to affect his speech longer term has he seen SALT? Has DS applied for DSA?

Zoo I hope the self help book and meditation help.

much sympathy stilllivinginazoo.

I had a useful chat with my mother -in-law the other night which helped. She assured me I wasn't being "codependent" (I know that's jargon but hopefully useful).

I try to tell DS stories about periods where my own anxiety was great.

It's good but also back when you recognise it isn't it? Good in that you have some expertise. Bad in that you think "I failed to break the chain".....

my own mother is full of fear and guilt and shame about her own effect on my brothers. unfortunately I think her fears are not without foundation (she only relaxes when one of us is weak) so I can't really give her the reassurance she craves.

1leap, thank you.

Yes the doctor said it is better he talks to us.
We are trying to use a diary and walk with DH first thing to spread the load a bit.
The trouble with talking to those treating the injuries is that they only have half an hour so they make small-talk like "you must be so excited about going to Uni" or "if you can't go running, why not go to the pub with your friends" or "if you can't go to the pub with your friends why not go for a swim".

It's really quite a strain for him, I'm not surprised the anxiety has bubbled up.

I think that it is ultimately genetic in origin but am proud that his upbringing has been so much healthier than mine was.

He is in speech therapy but they aren't very pleased with progress, adn only admitted as such after we pushed them to stop mouthing platitudes and really listen.

Sorry to hear of everyone's troubles.
Dd is taking her meds again so a bit more settled.

For those considering therapy, my ASD dd couldn't cope with talking therapy but OT has really helped her

Freedom The consultants treating the injuries may not have time right at that moment, although in my experience will often make time even if that means the clinic runs late, but there may be someone in the team they can direct DS to or refer him to. If the injuries are more long term, severe, traumatic or life changing the team will have someone, perhaps a CP or counsellor, who they refer patients to.

Finding something he can do to socialise with friends will be a huge benefit to his MH, and will aid his recovery.

Has DS applied for DSA and contacted disability services at university? If it he needs to do so ASAP.

Anne good news about the meds. DS1&3 find OT helpful as well.

Thank you - the injuries are not medically severe, just hard to recover from and likely to reoccur.

jump in hopeful- she has made a list of things she wants to challenge from fear foods to things like going outside by herself/taking a bus ride
Getting her back into education will be a huge leap forwards as it will give her confidence and independence plus opportunities to socialise