Breaking point

[DawnR96]

It's been such a hard time for everyone and I feel really selfish even writing this but I am just so fed up.

My depression is at an all time high, I'm on medication, I have had therapy and for the most part I've kept myself safe but now I'm really struggling. I have 3 kids aged 8, 4 and 3, they have all been home from school for what feels like forever. My partner is incredibly supportive and tries to help me in whichever way he can but I just can't do it right now. I need a break from the kids. My sister is my support bubble and she always says she will help out but every single time I ask her tk have the children even just for a few hours the answer is no. I fully understand that she is struggling too but then don't pretend that you will help me when you don't.

I know I sound like a right bitch and that our children are our responsibility but where is all this support you claim to give? I am suffering with chronic migraines which I think are brought on by stress. I just want to feel better. I want a break. I'm at my wits end. I wish i was a good mum, I know I must look awful right now. I know that, please don't tell me how I'm a failure, I know that too

Do call them.
I’ve found that an increase in dose doesn’t take weeks to make a difference. But they may be able to offer something that’ll help bridge the gap.
I know it doesn’t feel like it. But this can change. It’s just the illness tricking you into thinking it won’t.

@DawnR96 Hi, going through a bit of the same myself right now. Been through DA moved in to own place in the last few months, tired, stressed, get stuck in far too much, doing it all on my own and I only have one DC, so I feel your pain. Plus for good reasons child contact has stopped with DC's father so haven't got that break I did have. Lucky though that parents do help out a bit, but feel very lonely on many days. Plus I am conscious about my weight so finding it difficult going out at times.
Can your DH help, I know you say he does, but to have the children whilst you go out?

DawnR96- it's good that's you have managed to eat something. Phone the doctors and see what they can do to help you. Maybe try to meet up with your friend for a walk later in the day. Take care. Hope you are feeling better soon 💐

[quote Redruby2020]@DawnR96 Hi, going through a bit of the same myself right now. Been through DA moved in to own place in the last few months, tired, stressed, get stuck in far too much, doing it all on my own and I only have one DC, so I feel your pain. Plus for good reasons child contact has stopped with DC's father so haven't got that break I did have. Lucky though that parents do help out a bit, but feel very lonely on many days. Plus I am conscious about my weight so finding it difficult going out at times.
Can your DH help, I know you say he does, but to have the children whilst you go out?[/quote]
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I've been through past DA and I know how much it really takes out of you mentally.

If you ever want to chat, I'm here, even if it's just for some virtual company. Sending you virtual hugs xx

I managed to see my friend for half hour but my migraine started up and I had to go back.

My sister came over and bathed my girls for me. My partner has cleaned, cooked and is literally doing everything. He has asked me not to give up but it's just so difficult.

I didn't work up the courage to bother the Dr's today, I just know they won't want to hear from me once again. I think im just one of those problem cases. I've been on loads of different tablets and nothing has really worked but I've never felt like this. I physically can't force myself to suck it up and keep going. I'm behind on uni work, I am just failing everything

You are not failing. You are unwell and need time and support to get better. I struggled with my mental health when I was at college. I had to repeat the course that I was doing. It was frustrating at the time but I'm so glad that I didn't give up. Hang in there, you'll do it when you're well and ready 💐

My partner came up and said its just not feesable for me to be in bed all day, that it's not helping anything. I said I have zero energy, it's not a case of jot wanting to get up, I feel physically unable to do so.

He said I've got to try getting better but I am trying, I just don't know how. I don't see any hope. My partner is in a foul mood, he's tired of doing it all on his own. I just feel worse now. My heart hurts, I never wanted my life to be like this.

You won’t be like this forever sweetheart. This can change.
You can’t do it alone. You must call the GP and get help.
I have had MH issues for decades if I’m honest. Finally I found the right medication and it’s changed everything for me.
You’re not choosing to feel like this. You can’t suddenly choose to feel differently. You NEED proper professional help.

Don't worry too much about your partners mood. I know that's easier said than done but we all have off days. Try and focus on some of the positives instead of the things you haven't been doing. You met a friend! That's brilliant. Migraine is rubbish but attempting a walk is a fab step. Even though it probably felt awful... The fact you managed to get the girls ready for school and sort brekkie and take them is amazing. The sun will start shining more and the days are getting lighter. You can do this. Little steps. Maybe move from the bed to the sofa or if there is something you think needs doing just give it a go for 5 minutes. I should add... I'm terrible at doing all this myself and I have to work up to it. Some days it works. Others it doesn't. The guilt I'm feeling atm for being a crap mum and relying on dp so much can be all consuming at times. Do keep posting on here xx

I will ring the doctors in the morning, it's just they never know what to do. They just tell me to lose weight 🙃 my partner has said he's sorry and that he's just feeling crap himself. I've promised myself I will try a bit harder tomorrow, even if it's just doing one little thing. I just don't understand why I'm like this. I want so hard to get better and it just seems like I'm hitting a brick wall.

I've been on fluoxitine, citalopram, sertaline, duloxetine, venaflaxine or something like that, something beginning with an m which made me gain weight like crazy and made me a zombie. I don't think there is anything else for me 😔

If they say they can’t help you need a specialist.
Weight isn’t your problem.
MH issues are.
You couldn’t wish yourself out of having a broken leg. You can’t wish yourself out of depression.
And the thing starting with “M” Mirtazapine?? Similar? I took one and wasn’t safe to drive the day afterwards as I couldn’t keep my eyes open!
Have they offered you more than just meds? Sometimes it also takes a while to find the right meds at the right dose.
Hang on in there OP.

Op, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. All those negative thoughts you’ve got going on aren’t a fact, they’re the illness telling you that. I remember well the feelings you describe and I didn’t have children at the time so you’re actually doing remarkably well (the illness will tell you otherwise). wolfiefan is spot on with everything.
I found it impossible to articulate how I felt, the way you’ve described it is actually it! Failure was a huge feature for me and the self loathing that accompanied it. I see you’re under a psychiatrist, have they done any talking therapy with you?

The thing I found hard was I didn’t have anything to physically show for how I felt, no limb in a cast, no stitches but I felt completely broken, like I had all those things but no one could see. After years of torture (I don’t use that word lightly) I came out the other side and although it tries to pull me back in I’ve managed to keep it away but not before it very nearly destroyed me. I think something that helped me was taking one thing at a time rather than thinking “omg I’m not going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow, I can’t drive to work etc etc” that just overwhelmed me and I’d set myself up to fail.
The gp won’t be thinking you’re annoying, more likely they ran out of time or the message got missed or they had a major incident. Whatever their reason it isn’t right that you’ve been left feeling like you’re a drain on resources but sadly communication skills have become somewhat lacking, please don’t interpret them not calling you as you being unimportant.
I really hope you get some help/support really soon but in the meantime stay with us here, vent/shout whatever you need so many of us hear you.

It doesn't sound like you're getting the right support from your doctor. So glad you and your partner have sorted it out. Maybe he gets frustrated because he doesn't know how to help and doesn't like seeing you like this. Not sure it's about trying harder. It's more about finding the right support and meds. Unfortunately it is hard to find the meds that suit you.
I'm on Mirtazapine at the moment. I'm dreading returning to work cos the tablets make me sleep a lot and I'm groggy until around 11.00am!

Thank you so much everyone. I'm only now seeing these, I am so sorry for my delayed response.

I'm feeling a little better, I don't feel like medication is working for me but I'll keep going. My anxiety is sky high at the moment and sleep is all over the place but I'm in a better place mentally than I was when I first made this post and I want to thank you all for being so kind and helpful to me ♥ xxx

I’m so glad you’re doing a bit better. Keep going. Does anything work with the anxiety? I find small things like a bit of mindfulness or even just making my jaw relax or stretching can help.

I'm happy to hear that you're feeling a little better. Meds can take 4- 6 weeks to start working. I've been on Mirtazapine for 3 weeks. They aren't working for me yet.
Hope your anxiety gets better soon 💐