Breaking point

[DawnR96]

It's been such a hard time for everyone and I feel really selfish even writing this but I am just so fed up.

My depression is at an all time high, I'm on medication, I have had therapy and for the most part I've kept myself safe but now I'm really struggling. I have 3 kids aged 8, 4 and 3, they have all been home from school for what feels like forever. My partner is incredibly supportive and tries to help me in whichever way he can but I just can't do it right now. I need a break from the kids. My sister is my support bubble and she always says she will help out but every single time I ask her tk have the children even just for a few hours the answer is no. I fully understand that she is struggling too but then don't pretend that you will help me when you don't.

I know I sound like a right bitch and that our children are our responsibility but where is all this support you claim to give? I am suffering with chronic migraines which I think are brought on by stress. I just want to feel better. I want a break. I'm at my wits end. I wish i was a good mum, I know I must look awful right now. I know that, please don't tell me how I'm a failure, I know that too

Hi @DawnR96
I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Most parents feel similar at the moment. It can feel like this lockdown and pandemic are never going to end. Well done for keeping going and doing what you need to to carry on with this. We are through the worse of winter now with lighter and warmer and easier days ahead of us. Fingers crossed.
Could your partner give you a break for a couple of hours to go for a walk either alone to clear your head or maybe with a friend? If your sister isn't able to help out could you form a bubble with friend or another family just to help you through the next few weeks? As difficult as it is it is important for us to try to carve some time out of the day for ourselves to recharge a little bit so we have the energy to keep on doing what we do.

You are not selfish and it doesn't sound like you are a failure at all. You are a fabulous mum supporting her family through these challenging times. Put the TV on, let's the kids be wild this week, put your feet up. It will be okay.

A lack of iron can sometimes bring on migraines as well as stress and hormones and all the uther bloody triggers! Someone on a another thread has suggested rescue remedy could help those of us struggling at the moment through particularly stressy times during the day. Xx

No advice here just bucket loads of sympathy. I am sure you are not a failure. Just a mum trying to do her best.

I don't think I am doing what I need to get through though. The kids are desperate for a bath but I'm so so exhausted. I'm still in bed. I can't seem to find the motivation to get out of bed. Meanwhile, my partner is doing everything per usual, which will include bathing them if I don't force myself up.

My sister is the only one who can have my kids, my mum is too unwell physically to have them and my other sister lives over 2 hours away.

I can't even explain it. It's like I shut down I just can't do it. I'm just so fed up of life. I want it all to stop. I'm trying to look forward to the younger two kids back in school on the 22nd but it's so hard.

Thank you to both of you for being so kind, it truly means a lot ♥ xx

You are not a failure.
You are not selfish.
And you absolutely aren’t a bitch!

You are unwell and you’re struggling. You deserve support.

I would speak to your GP. I upped my dose of anti depressants in the first lockdown. Didn’t need the new dose for very long but it was a hump I needed to get over.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Things can get better.

It sounds ridiculous but my whole body feels so much heavier than it is. Just getting from my bed to the toilet, takes so much energy.

Gp won't touch my meds as I'm under a psychiatrist but my psychiatrist is on leave, so I'm stuck on my meds anyway.

I wish I could just get better, I want this to be over. I want to be happy. I don't want this, I want to be a good person. I miss the old me. I begged my sister again to help me but she is too busy, I feel so stuck.

Partner is downstairs doing everything, one day he will just up and leave. I just want to feel nothing

That’s all the illness. How long is the psychiatrist on leave for?

They didn't say. All I know is that when an opening becomes available for an appointment, my name is on the list.

A cpn was meant to call me today but I haven't received anything. The mental health services in Wales is a joke.

I don't know how I'm meant to cope. I know I should be looking to the future and keeping hope but it's so hard when there isn't much to hope for right now x

I want to call the gp but I had an emergency appointment for my migraines yesterday. I know if I ask for another emergency appointment they're going to hate me

@Wolfiefan took the words out of my mouth but I’ll say them again, hoping that you’ll start to believe them.
You are NOT selfish
You are NOT a failure
You are NOT a bitch at all!
You ARE ill and by the sound of it in the grip of severe depression. I’m glad your partner is supporting you but the pandemic is making the situation so much harder.
I suffer with severe migraines which can last for days so I know how just having that is difficult and is another symptom of your depression.
If you need to speak to the doctor, please ask and don’t think about what others think, that’s beyond your control, you need help but services are swamped so it may take some time.
Re looking forward, that’s too difficult at the moment. Try to focus on where you are now, what’s happening in the next 30 minutes and just get through that. Depression and anxiety have so many physical symptoms and struggling to get up and move is definitely one of them so just do what you can.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I really hope you get some help soon.

If you need another appointment then you need one. They absolutely won’t hate you for being unwell and needing help. If you need to push for help then it’s hard but do try and find the strength.

Thank you both. Everyone on here has been so kind when I don't deserve it. I'm greatful for your kind words, I just don't feel like I'm a good person right now.

I've rang the Dr's and asked for an emergency appointment, so I'm waiting on them. I've been so so suicidal today and I haven't been like this in a long time.

The issue is, I know the Dr's will ask 'what is it you want me to do to help?' and I never know the answer to that question which makes me feel like there is definitely no help for someone like me. It would be so nice just to slip into sleep and just not wake up.

You DO deserve it. It’s the illness that makes you think you don’t.
Tell them you don’t want to be exhausted anymore. You don’t want to feel suicidal and you want to be the old you and be able to be the parent you want to be.
What do they suggest you try?
You deserve to be well.

Of course you deserve kindness lovey, it’s the depression making you think you don’t. You are a good person who needs help. I’m really glad you’ve contacted the doctor. As @Wolfiefan says just explain you don’t want to feel like this anymore and turn the question back to your doctor and ask what can you do for me, what help is there?
Take care of yourself

The doctors never called back. I just feel so lost in this. Feel really alone. I wish there was more help especially during coronavirus.

I'm so sorry that the doctor didn't phone back. How are you feeling?
The lack of help is really frustrating. When my mental health was really bad at the start of lockdown it was really hard to get through to the work helpline. Even Samaritans were really busy.
Hope you get the support you need very soon. Glad your partner is supportive.
Take care, wishing you all the best 💐

I'm feeling a little better, I just don't want to face tomorrow.

Its frustrating, the mental health services here have always been pretty awful but since Covid they have been pretty non-existent. The doctors are usually pretty good, I'm surprised they didn't call, I told the receptionist I was extremely suicidal.

I think I'll be OK tonight, just hope tomorrow is better.

Thank you all, you're all incredibly kind and have helped me keep some hope ♥

Please stay safe tonight. The Samaritans are still at the end of the line. And if you really feel in danger then get to A and E.
I’ve been so very low. Finally found the right meds and got CBT. I’m so much better off right now. But I vividly remember feeling like the struggle out of bed,to the shower and to get dressed was almost beyond me.
Call them back tomorrow?
You deserve help.
You deserve to feel better.

I'm ok, I managed to get some sleep. I've woken up feeling pretty much the same but I'm going to try and get some stuff done today. I've just ran my kids a bath and I'm going to let them play for a while.

I'm not going to bother the doctors anymore, I think I'm just a nuisance to them and it's embarrassing. Thank you.

I'm glad that helped you! I've had DBT (similar to cbt) and I've been on multiple different meds but whilst the DBT keeps me safe from harming myself for the most part, I still just feel so so depressed.

Hi, sounds like you're in a slightly better place today 💐
You are definitely not a nuisance. You're just struggling at the moment and need all the support that you can get. So please phone the doctors. Or crisis line if you feel you need to.
Hope the depression starts to lift soon. It is truly awful and painful living this way. Do what you need to do today to feel better. Hope today is okay 🙂

@DawnR96 you really aren’t a nuisance, please don’t think that. I’d ask that you reconsider calling the doctor, it might be the best help for you at the min xx

@DawnR96 you are NOT bothering them. You’re not a nuisance. You are suffering from ill health and need support.
It took me ages to find the right meds etc. But you can get help.

How are you @DawnR96? Thinking of you xx

Hi everyone,
I'm OK, thank you for checking in ☺

I'm still low and exhausted. My body feels so heavy and I'm finding everything so hard. I'm snapping at everyone and I've just had enough. I called the doctors this morning but was told their appointments are full, I'll try again tomorrow.

Feeling quite let down by the mental health services but I also understand that they're under massive amounts of pressure right now, it's just hard to keep going sometimes 😔

Just get through today. Call again tomorrow. You can do this.