Breaking point

[DawnR96]

It's been such a hard time for everyone and I feel really selfish even writing this but I am just so fed up.

My depression is at an all time high, I'm on medication, I have had therapy and for the most part I've kept myself safe but now I'm really struggling. I have 3 kids aged 8, 4 and 3, they have all been home from school for what feels like forever. My partner is incredibly supportive and tries to help me in whichever way he can but I just can't do it right now. I need a break from the kids. My sister is my support bubble and she always says she will help out but every single time I ask her tk have the children even just for a few hours the answer is no. I fully understand that she is struggling too but then don't pretend that you will help me when you don't.

I know I sound like a right bitch and that our children are our responsibility but where is all this support you claim to give? I am suffering with chronic migraines which I think are brought on by stress. I just want to feel better. I want a break. I'm at my wits end. I wish i was a good mum, I know I must look awful right now. I know that, please don't tell me how I'm a failure, I know that too

You need to ask your partner to step up. She doesn’t want to look after your kids.

Partner is stepping up but he could also use a break. It's just frustrating because she always promises she will help us out but never does.

Its me that needs to do the stepping up. Just trying to tell myself I can do this and that I have to do this. Just wish people wouldn't say things they dont mean.

Some people feel (for whatever reason) that they have to offer. But then can’t face it.
If you’re struggling then your partner will have to do more.

Actually rereading through those texts really shows me how awful I really am.

I need to pick myself up and get on with it. I just feel so unwell mentally. But you're right, she doesn't want my kids. I need to stop asking for help. I need to get on with it myself. Sorry for venting and sounding so worked up over nothing, just feel really crap.

Partner physically cannot do any more. Literally. I just need some time away from the kids. I feel like he needs that too. Schools are starting to reopen soon though, so hopefully that will help.

You’re not well. Contact your GP for more support? (I actually increased my dose of anti depressants for a bit in the first lockdown).
If you’re depressed and suffering with mental ill health it’s not as simple as picking yourself up and getting on with it.

I'm going to ring the Dr's again in the morning and try and see if they will sort my medication, it's difficult as usually it's done through the psychiatrist.

I find when I force myself to pick myself up and try and get on with it, it takes a massive toll on me afterwards and J end up even worse but then what is the alternative? Just lying in bed and wishing to be dead.

My partner suggested earlier that the reason I'm so hurt by my sister is because I'm not thinking straight, which actually hurt me a little more. I just want something to help, literally anything. Maybe some chocolates and wine will be a nice apology to my sister for me being so miserable about everything 😔

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Sorry for rambling away a little. Thank you for helping me, I'll speak to the gp tomorrow and try and explain what is going on. I wish i could just lie down and wake up a better person. A nice person, someone who isn't an absolute b!tch for the most part

You are NOT a bitch.
Good luck with the GP.
Pick what you try and get on with. I would force myself to have a shower and get clothes on. That made me feel better. Not hoovering which just made me feel crapper!

Spoke to the gp, they're happy to increase my fluoxitine but honestly, I'm not sure that will help anyway, it worth a try I suppose.

I have forced myself in the shower and you're right, I feel so much better for it.

Thank you, honestly, you've been so kind and helpful. ♥️

Bless you @DawnR96 I’ve been there. Fluoxetine and CBT have hauled me out of the exact same hole. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you.

I had two horrific panic attacks today and I completely broke down into tears which is quite rare, I very rarely cry, let alone show it.

I'm so exhausted of it all. I'm scared I won't ever get better. My mental health is always up and down and it never seems to stabalise.

One positive of today is that I got a new dishwasher, so I don't have to worry about the dishes anymore 😂

Yay to the new dishwasher. I think I’ve had MH issues since my teens. (Now rapidly heading to 50!) it took me years to recognise what it was. And months to get meds right and work on CBT. I can’t tell you how it feels to be able to manage my issues.
Good luck OP. You deserve to be well.

I'm glad that you've found something that works for you ☺

Last few days have been awful. I'm just so lethargic, I've done absolutely nothing and I'm still exhausted. The younger two are back in school tomorrow and I just feel so off. I don't feel like myself, I don't even really feel real, if that makes sense.

Partner has been brilliant and is saying I need to take care of myself but I feel so bad doing nothing.

@DawnR96 you are NOT doing nothing if you’re taking the time you need to recover. Be kind to yourself.
(Your partner sounds like a good one! It does help.)

Hi, DawnR96, I know what you mean about doing nothing and feeling exhausted. It's frustrating, isn't it. Hopefully with your younger two going back to school, you will be able to cope better. I know what you mean about feeling real. I've felt so flat and empty for days. At brief points today, I almost felt real.
Glad you have a supportive partner partner.
Hope things start getting better for you 💐

Today has been a really bad day. I felt OK yesterday, the best I had been feeling in a long while, I think the sunshine definitely helped. I thought with the younger two in school would help but if anything I feel like it's more pressure again. I've got to make sure we all get up on time etc, I now feel like I have to do everything as fast as I can but I can't.

Today, all I have done is give the kids breakfast, dress the girls, brush their hair, brush their teeth, get school bags ready. I went for a brief walk with dd and then collected a food shop from click and collect and now im in bed, feeling deflated and fed up.

I just want everything to stop, I would do anything to not feel like this. The thought of doing dinner, bathing the kids is making me so upset when I actually have so much more to do.

It all sounds so silly but I can't do this anymore

You need to be kinder to yourself. Do the absolute minimum. Be proud of every single thing you do. Allow yourself to time out. Delegate whatever you can.
It’s not all down to you and there are very very few things that are critical.

You say you haven’t done anything but it sounds like you’ve achieved so much despite how you’re feeling. As I said before when you can’t look too far ahead because it feels too much just concentrate on the next hour then the next. So if you’re exhausted rest for the next hour then think what you might be able to do in the hour after that.
It might feel just brushing your girls hair or making sure they’ve cleaned their teeth isn’t very much but when you’re coping with depression it’s fantastic that you’ve done that. As @Wolfiefan said you need to be kinder to yourself.

DawnR96 - the sunshine yesterday was lovely. Was hoping for more sun today but it's grey and windy.
You sound like you have had a productive day. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You are doing the best that you can do. And that's all any of us can possibly do. Take care 💐 put your feet up and have a ☕🍪

Thank you all for being so kind. I don't feel very productive. I slept for hours and hours whilst my partner yet again picked up the slack. I'm honestly unsure what is wrong with me right now, I'm so tired all the time. I feel really weak. I'm barely eating because I'm too tired to make anything. On the plus side, I have lost 9 pounds which is good as I'm overweight anyway.

The thought of getting up and getting the kids ready for school tomorrow is filling me with dread. I know I need to give the fluoxitine some time to adjust but I can't see it working.

The thing is, I can't keep putting things off. I have 8 bags of clean laundry to put away. My kids room is in disrepair because they think pulling everything out is such a great idea. My room is a mess but it's easily fixed. Everything needs a nice good clean but I can't even get myself dressed.

My friend wants to meet up and go for a walk tomorrow apparantly that's OK as it's exercising? I'm not sure on the rules. I think I might see her but I'm ashamed at how rough I look.

Sorry for rambling. It really helps to just get it all out, I'm sorry for boring you lol. I hope you're all well and thank you for helping me so much xx

Woke up, still feeling so exhausted. Took all my energy to get kids ready for school. I've had depression for a long time but I've never felt like this before. I've never felt that I physically cannot get out of bed. I'm sat in bed just wishing I was dead because I'm no use. I don't know how I'm going to get better. I don't know what to do.

My partner came upstairs and said there is only so much he can do for me and he's right. He's so tired too, I did this to him. He keeps saying I need to try something different as lying in bed isn't helping but I can't. I just don't have the energy, he doesn't seem to understand. I feel so weak. I know I need to eat but I'm to exhausted to even try. I've barely drank anything, my migraines are awful. I'm just so tired of all of this.

You didn’t do this to him. The illness is doing it to you both.
You can only manage so much. Pick the one thing to do today.
If the increase in the fluoxetine doesn’t help then a different med may be the answer.
Never mind looking “rough”. Jeez. I’m fat and my lockdown hair could scare children! Meet your friend if you want to.

I just don't know what to do. It can take weeks for the effects of the tablets to work but I can't do this for weeks. I want it all to end. I want to see my friend but I just don't think I can brave outside today 😔 I've made myself some granola so I know I have eaten something

I don't know whether to ring the Dr's and explain that I'm feeling worse but then what can they do anyway. It all feels so hopeless 😔