Would any one like to join in an anxiety support thread?

[Heatherandmoss]

I’ve seen lots of posts recently about people having a bad time with their anxiety and I thought an on going thread might be good do people can bob on and offer and receive support, share tips and just generally empathise with some one going through the same thing.

I’ve had anxiety since I was about ten ( I realised after my psychiatrist was able to help me pin point my earliest memory of it)

I think there is a bit of misconception of anxiety as some people think it’s just general worry - but it’s not.

When my anxiety rears her head it’s so physical. I sweat, my face can go numb, pains in my chest. I have a feeling like some one is kicking my front door in and I’m scared for my life and I could just be hoovering. Anxiety jolts me awake when I’m asleep and it rolls down my body like thunder. It makes me catastrophize at 3am and my feet start rubbing against each other ( weird) My anxiety makes me walk in to the kitchen with my kids empty dinner plates and suddenly feel so so over whelmed I struggle for breath and tears leak out in a gasp of raw emotion - all done silently so my kids can’t hear me.

I’ve had to give up drinking alcohol because Jesus the anxiety the next day was shocking and lasted days until I suddenly stepped out the anxiety room.

My anxiety has been bad since November as I’ve got some things going and I’m worried my heart is going to pack in because of the extra ‘thud thud thud’ overtime it’s being doing!

Exercise does help me take the edge of sometimes. I nearly went to the GP the other day as it was rotten but at this moment of time I need to be switched on.

Today has not been to bad. I’m considering it a win.

So I’ve you’d like to join in or have some where to say ‘holy fuck it’s bad today’ hopefully more people will be here and you will know some one knows how bad your feeling.

Thank you WL she asked me how it feels to be able to be proud of the work I’ve done and it was really nice! If a bit odd!

I had no idea about the tired all the time thing!

I'm still worried about my occupational health appointment, which is tomorrow morning. Feeling a bit better today though, as the weather has been nice. I went for a walk with my DD. Made shortbread after the walk. I can't have them on the detox, so also made banana bread for me. I used a sugar free recipe.

Had a rather good weekend I suppose after just about reaching deadlines. Met up with a friend and went for a walk which was lovely as we haven’t seen each other properly since Christmas time—FaceTime just couldn’t cut it for us! So found it nice to catch up just us two. Unfortunately she was getting really anxious so we ended up cutting our plans short though I was nervous about our meeting too I hate how before if you were scared to meet up with someone e.g a friend it was labelled as “social anxiety” but now if you do feel anxious it seems to be normal because of the pandemic I hope that makes sense, I can’t seem to make sense of many things these days, haven’t really been posting much either

Hoping your appointment goes well loki ive been finding myself dreading summer though I loved the weather today 😍

Rather interesting to hear about the tired all the time thing!

Thanks Tea 😊. I'm glad that you had a good catch up. It's a shame that you had to cut it short.

Yes, that makes sense what you're saying about social anxiety. People that have never had MH problems before are suffering for the first time. So now it's considered that we are all in the same boat. That simply isn't true. If you have had depression and anxiety for most of your life, like I have, it's a very different situation. Over the years your memory, your family, work and social life are greatly impacted.

I was happy to see that you had posted. Hope everyone has good day 💐

I get what you mean tea 💐

I discovered as lockdown 1 progressed that I’m much more social than I realised. I need a lot of time to myself, but it’s the socialising (in small doses - eg lunch with a couple of friends or meeting for a class or film etc) that keeps me going. I found it really difficult when coming out of lockdown as my friends didn’t really want to meet up and I was jealous seeing others get back to normal when I couldn’t, I was paranoid everyone hated me. I am so scared of rejection I found it hard to ask people properly and I felt so needy (a massive trigger for me due to past stuff), I started feeling like even if people did meet me it would be because they pitied me etc.

Yesterday though my therapist asked how I was doing with that (dealing with the above was the one time I got really upset in zoom therapy, last summer) and I said I didn’t really miss it anymore in a way. Having to start shielding and the fact that since the jab my health has been shit again anyway (so I’ve barely left the house) has meant I’ve no reason to even try. I’m now dreading stuff like homeschool meet ups, I don’t know how to be around people again. I’ve not been in a shop for over a month. Friends have mentioned meeting up in a “now we can do this” way but I can’t bring myself to try and pin some arrangements down which I normally do, I am half scared of rejection and half scared that we will meet up and I’ll have nothing to say and it’ll be awkward (even though we talk online loads).

It’s odd, I kind of wish I’d spoken about all this in therapy yesterday, although I’m glad we discussed what we did as it was a really useful session. But it’s like I don’t want to even talk about the friend stuff as it’s too shameful (even though my therapist is so so wonderful and would never judge, I think it’s partly as I don’t feel so “safe” being vulnerable over zoom)

Just wanted to thank everyone for yesterday, due to being so ill at the minute I'm not thinking straight.
I've contacted the doctors and have a new sick note saying, low mood, anxiety, tired all the time and having investigations.
I feel so much better.
Without posting on here I would if just shut myself away and panicked

Sing - I found it really hard to get people to meet up with me during lockdown. Everyone was so busy, I was constantly waiting for someone to have a spare hour to meet up for a walk. It's rare that I see anyone now, outside of work and I've just kind of accepted it.

Flamingo- that's great news. Glad posting on here is helping you too 💐

Well done flamingo!

Thanks loki tbh I think it is part of the reason I am really keen to find a job/volunteering now. Even though I’m also super anxious about working with new people!

Just did a two hour workshop, ironically about anxiety 😂 it’s for parents/carers of autistic children, due to working with CAMHS I am engaging with as much as I can from what they’ve suggested. TBH much like the sensory one last week it wasn’t particularly helpful - great for people new to this stuff but there wasn’t really anything I didn’t already know (which makes me sound arrogant I realise, it’s just that I’ve been dealing with and thus reading about this stuff for many years now). Shattered. Did actually meet another home educating mum on there though who asked me to message her so that’s cool :)

Going to try and relax now, as the talking on camera (contributing ideas etc) always gets my heart racing and I know I’ll be tense for a while now.

Hope you had a nice rest Sing. I do training courses where I don't really learn anything. That's just normal in schools. A lot of it is just box ticking, so they can say you have received training in all the relevant areas.

The weather is lovely today. I'm going to make sure I get out for a walk this evening.

My occupational health appointment went really well. The woman was really understanding and is going to suggest a few things to my school. She also gave me some advice on my new diet. She said I should take omega 3, even though I eat fish and take vitamin D, all year round.

I did the equazen trial for mumsnet loki and found them good as did a friend. I kept up with mine and keep meaning to get some for DS.

I am feeling stressed this afternoon, I mentioned last week about the stuff with DD1, the police never phoned but at 2 a social worker called and said they were about to go and speak to her at school. I can’t believe thus just sprung it on her, I didn’t even have time to reassure her or anything. I’ve been sitting here worrying about her going through all that and TBH it is triggering some past stuff that’s all linked up with my deepest anxieties and guilt about being a mum etc. The SW was meant to be phoning me as soon as they were done but they didn’t. Just sitting around trying not to cry as I’m alone with the younger two right now.

That sounds awful Sing. Is your DD at home with you now? As for anxiety and guilt about being a mum, you can only do your best. Me and my DD have a lovely relationship now but I really struggled when she was younger. I had a lot going on with my ex and my parents. I felt very guilty at the time. Looking back though I realised that I did my best given the circumstances.

Hope everything is sorted out soon 💐

Thank you, she’s home now but the SW never called. I’ve left a voicemail. DD1 said it was awful, she was taken at the end of a lesson with no clue why, and the teacher who went in with her isn’t even one she knows. She’s panicking as the SW said they’d be coming round here too and we have no clue when. I’m hiding upstairs having a cry. And feeling guilty that I’m not the one who had to go through it but I’m the one crying.

I'm really sorry that you and your DD are going through such a difficult situation. Hope your husband is there for you. Thinking of you 💐

sing that sounds awful. Poor you and dd. I'd be crying too if I were you. Knowing our children are going through something horrible and not being able to fix it is so so tough. As loki said, try not to beat yourself up about what's in the past. We all have times when we are awesome parents and other times we scrape by, for so many different reasons. Your dd clearly knows you love her, and you are doing your absolute best.
flamingo I'm so glad it helped you chatting on here, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
I've recently come to see how my anxiety historically has made me assume that people don't really like me or are only asking me to stuff out of pity or politeness. I spent so many years thinking that. I told a friend recently, who's so good at inviting herself to things, in a good way, and she was like what?? I can't imagine being able to say 'that sounds fun, can I come?'

Thank you both 💐
I feel a bit better about it this morning and just want to get the most out of the meeting. Also I’m quite pleased about the fact I’m not having to worry hugely about the state of the house. In the past (especially before we were housed here, we had a tiny grotty private rental) I’d be panicking about tidying and cleaning but actually it’s really not too bad and just needs a spruce up.

I’ve just had my third training session which was lovely although an activity really threw me off track. We had to draw a representation of our life pre kids and our life with [autistic] kids. I found the first one impossible and didn’t do it, but they were fine with that (nobody had to share if they weren’t comfortable). But it surprised me how much it freaked me out. I guess I just knew that all the others would have islands full of work, socialising etc but my life without kids is shorter than my life with (had eldest at 20 and now 34), there is a lot of painful stuff packed into it and nothing like a career etc, and I didn’t want to lie or over share which would’ve made me feel more vulnerable.

Anyway next time, after Easter, I’ll be confronting some anxiety in a fucking massive way as I have to do my presentation over zoom, up to 30min. Luckily people often do it on PowerPoint which means my face will only be on the tiny screen in the corner.

Hi Sing, glad you're feeling a bit better and your training session went well. Other than college, I didn't really have a lot going on before having my DD. Nothing positive anyway.

You're very brave. I find presentations hard enough without adding the extra pressure of doing it on Zoom.

I finished my book last night and don't seem to have another to start. That can't be right! I've got lots on my to read pile but all non fiction and I like a fiction before I go sleep. Bah

Hope you find something WL I’ve got a library wish list and some still on my kindle. I’ve stopped reading the last couple of days for some reason, I must try and get back to it before I slip out of the habit, I haven’t played piano for a few weeks either.

I have just sobbed my heart out for my DD1. Social worker never showed up, it’s been a tense evening for various reasons and I’ve been on edge since that training session today. But what tipped me over the edge was that she apologised to me. For all the inconvenience. I told her she can’t apologise for this, she didn’t ask for any of it, for someone to commit a crime or for the social worker to mess us about. None of this is on her. We talked about how she finds it easy to blame herself for everything and how I don’t want her to do that because growing up like that is shit. I got a bit emotional about that but once I got upstairs I broke down entirely.

I know I’m reacting so strongly because the day has been so overwhelming, but I am heartbroken she’s like me. I don’t want her feeling like I do. I’ve tried so hard building her up in the ways I didn’t have. I know unequivocally that in some very big ways I am a better parent than I had. But I’ve still failed, that’s what it feels like tonight.

I feel so alone with it IRL too. I could honestly use a whole other therapy session to talk it out, why does it have to be Easter now?

I am going to try and watch something funny for a bit (currently enjoying Superstore for some easy viewing), I’m so tired and I have my induction for my next course at 12 (exciting!) but I need to be calmer before sleep!

I'm so sorry sing. It's ok to let yourself cry though.
I sympathise, my dd2 has debilitating anxiety and I see so many parallels in her thought patterns and mine. I have also tried hard to parent them in a way that might have helped me (my mum was amazing but had a difficult life and no support, and it was a different time then) but still she's struggling so much, and I can't make it better for her. However, like you, I do my absolute best and am here for her no matter what.

That has to count for a lot really 💐 maybe it’s precisely because we feel stuff like that so deeply that we don’t feel we are doing a good job. The irony in the fact I’m still completely blaming myself for the fact that DD1 blames herself for everything is not lost on me 😳🙄🤣

Thing is I don’t over apologise in front of her. Ever. I’m aware I do it sometimes with DH if we’ve argued about something, but that’s not around her. I’ve always been careful not to let my anxiety spill out in front of the kids, other than being awkward when someone praises me for something like my art (it’s actually a family joke now and DD1 and I pull each other up on it as she’s the same...).

Yesterday though I was looking at a load of old threads to try and get info for my presentation. Mistake. I read one where I was talking about DD1’s anxiety (I’d forgotten just how extreme it got at times) and someone told me because my OP was more about my own history of anxiety (in the context of how I had tried not to pass it on and how I didn’t want her to end up like me) maybe I WAS passing it on :(. The guilt is huge today.

I haven’t even really processed the fact my autism work coach kind of discharged me yesterday. I was so looking forward to the conversation but by the time she rang I was hyperfocused on searching the old threads (and distracted by the kids) I barely noticed what she was saying. :( I’ve made a note to email her if I get a job to thank her for her help, or I could send a card.

Sadly for us, I think so much is shown and picked up subconsciously, as well a string genetic link. My dm was definitely anxious, as is my db, but like me, hid it well - in part with a lack of acknowledgment, so unless you knew what to look for, you wouldn't see it, and would be fooled by the outward presentation.
I have access to counselling through my work, which I need to call and arrange, but finding it hard to get the space to do so, as I know I'll cry and that upsets the kids so much, but with dd2 not in school, I'm never alone to do it. I've got next week off work so will take myself off somewhere and do it. Just need to get through today.
I know how my dd feels about school, as that's how I feel about work. Nothing bad going on (with exception of recent awful project) but I always feels on edge and like I'm about to be unmasked and made a fool of. I'm currently obsessed with the thought that if I can do this job for another 10 years, then I might be able to go part time for the next 5-10, in a low stress, in/out job. It's not a l healthy way of thinking.

Sorry you had a bad evening Sing 💐
Hope you found something funny to watch and your induction went well. It's natural for children to blame themselves, even when they don't have anxiety. Someone told me recently that one of the reasons children blame themselves is that it helps in a way. If something is your fault and you believe that you have done something wrong, then on the flipside you can do something to make it right. If what happens was completely out of your control, then making things better doesn't seem possible.

WLmum - hope you get a chance to sort some counselling out soon. When my DD was younger I used to hope that she wouldn't have anxiety like me. She's got her dad's sense of humour and shares a lot of interests with him. Unfortunately she gets anxious like me.

I'm on day 13 of my detox. Someone brought lots of treats to work and I just about managed to resist! My IBS is better, my stomach is flatter and my skin feels healthier. I have more energy after work and have been cooking and walking in the evenings this week.

School holidays always make me feel on edge. I know I'll get really lonely when my DD isn't with me. I have no plans whatsoever. Hate the thought of 10 empty days that need filling with activities. I used to plan lots when my DD was younger. Boredom for me is only a couple of tiny steps away from depression and anxiety. My DD has lots of uni work to do, so can't do much even when she is with me.

lola sorry the school holidays make you feel on edge. Could you set yourself a 10 day challenge? Couch to 5 k is good - depending on your fitness you could go every day. Finish a jigsaw? Knitting squares
I'm thrilled that I'm now on holiday from work for over a week. Phew! I'm going to exercise every day!

Thanks WLmum. My fitness levels aren't that good. I'm definitely going to walk every day. I can do 5 miles a day max. Anything more than that makes me overtired and has a negative impact on my sleep. I'm also going to try some new sugar detox recipes. I'm just not good with having spare time. There's lots of decluttering that I can be getting on with but it's hard to find the motivation when I'm isolated.