Meeting to discuss my 'care plan' was cr@p

[PhoenixSoaring]

The meeting I have been dreading finally happened this morning. All the different people involved in my care in one room, with me and dh, to discuss what to do with me next.

I expected to be humiliated. But I wasnt. But the meeting was so ineffectual that I left wondering what the hell it was all about. Basically everyon talked a bit about how they see me and my illness. And my consultant asked 'how I was'. I told the truth (which was pretty frank and honest, ie no different from before my breakdown a few months ago).

Then before I knew it, the meeting ended and nothing has changed.

I have spent the day drifting about. I spent 2 hours walking in the park. My suicidal ideations are stronger than ever. I feel such a hopeless, helpless case and that they cant even organise a care plan to suit me.

I dont know why I writing all this. I will probably be cross questioned. But I suppose I wanted to get it off my chest and no one was online on msn.

I know how you feel

I'm not good at helping people tho

I have had a long time in my life and my only conclusion is that you bounce around and panic and stress and want so much for things to changhe and get confused and esperate but in the end it all comes back to a perpetual struggle within yourself and once you realise that is going to be the way it is for you forever..then you start to find a way through with hard grind and huge effort

but BOM I have had years of doing the right thing. The bad coping strategies are all relatively recent vices. And I only starterd becuase I didnt know where to turn

I am not trying to defend myself - I know it is wrong - but it isnt just that easy to stop all these things you know. I wish it was

I have to keep poppig off, got 3 dds to get to bed.

Well you have achieved so much - you did keep dry for 4 months. I so know about the "what's the point, I've one x y z and I still feel cr*p" I also know from my experience and that of friends that I have from having 2 years of weekly group psycotherapy with them that medication is very hard to get right and for some people it doesn't actually seem to wor. I'm talking for one of them about 4 years to get some ad's that actually helped lift his mood.

I have no words of help or advice which makes me when you are in such a bad place this evening. Are you able just to focus on staying dry, I just wonder if your body is so absolutely drenched in drugs that non of it is actually helping, have you got anything going to help your mental strength - some sort of talking therapy?

lots of crossed posts there sorry

I am all talking therapied out cargirl

good luck with the DDs

I'm not sorted by the way..but I accept that a lot of shit is up to me to resolve..my mental health is both not in my control and also in my control a kind of paradox but once I accept that then it is approaching things from that direction that helps..I think

I know that I really can't predict myself..so I have to do my best...not give up..the old cliche life isn't a rehearsal blah blah

and when you do you have to start over again

I wish I could say that i am going to be in a stable mood for x amount of time but I can't so i have to deal with it

from what you say this is the same for you

I know what you mean about all talked out, I guess I'm thinking more something to give you the day to day help/encouragement to keep stuff at one day at a time level and to be positive in your life.

Phoenix, have you had CBT.

PD is v.difficult to treat effectively isn't it?

Sorry, I really don't have much understanding of how it feels to be there, I can only imagine, but I have seen and "helped" a couple of friends thru things not disimilar to this. I will be here if you need me, tho there isn't much I can do I can always lend an ear.
I do know that t isn't easy, by any means, but you can drw the strength from somewhere I am sure of it. The other alternative is not necessarily to be better, but to cope from day to day as best you can and get by. Tho this is not ideal I hope that as the days pass it may with time become slightly easier to get through the days.

CBT
CAT
physcho-dynamic
all sorts of stuff

you name it, I';ve had it

Has it not helped AT ALL?????

interestingly I haven't had these things...so don't know how much use they are

as i said I am a total cynic with regard to mental health help

for that reason i am not a particularly good person to offer my opinions

I think everyone's experiences are different...even people who exhibit the same behaviours don't share the same mental attitudes or the same personalities so maybe whether you appear to have a common problem or not isn't really relevant

it's all just words isnt it?

in the end I am still stuck with all the crap in my head and I hate it and try to get away from it

But right now I need to be a dutiful wife and go and cook my dh some supper

thanks for all your support - I come to mn because I reallly dont know where else to turn

I'm about to do some CBT after having done some REBT- I have grave doubts about whether I'll find it personally effective. I don't want to try the hard way - it's too hard! Starving and dodgy relationships is so much easier - on the surface!

Keep coming back Phoenix, someone will always be here. MSN me anytime.

I'm always happy to chat too. All I think is PD - that must be exhausting to live with - like you say - words, words, words going around & around.

there is a certain amount of acceptance you have to go through with chronic mental health problems..what name it has or what a diagnosis muight be is less important than coming to terms with it being something which is a part of yourself..maybe there are some good things about it but it is something that you have to learn to live with rather than battle against

maybe even take a kkind of pride in dealing with it and see your continued existence as an achievement in adversity just the same as if you had a chronic physical illness

thanks zippi for your wise words, again

okay so this evening I am now feeling even worse

nanny mnight not be able to stay beyond Christmas.

dh says the only way we can afford to keep nanny anyway is if I go back to work after Christmas

So basically I have to be 'fit and well' by Christmas because I am either looking after the kids or I am going back to work

hit me hard

thanks..I wish I could do magic..tho..when I was little i thought i was a magician but sadly i have had to come to terms with the fact that I'm probably not

if I was I'd be working it on you

awww thanks

any time babe

xxx

just go easy on the 'babe' bit, okay?

Oh no. Do you claim any kind of disability, you must be signed off surely

no probs hunni

here