I'm totally alone and see the pointlessness of life.how the fuck do I carry on

[rumred]

I realise I'm In a minority but nevertheless I am human and I'm in a hole and don't want to give in without a fight
I'm 55, parents dead, single child, no kids, family not supportive.I'm fucked aren't I

I have good friends but my closest ones have disappeared for various reasons. A cancer diagnosis last year really showed me who I could depend on. I'm so fucked off with those I had a good bond with. And who didn't step up. I think I'm a good friend. Maybe I'm not.

I'm so lost. I have a lovely partner but it's pretty new so I can't burden her with this angst. She does know I'm struggling.

Please don't comment if you're under 50. I too thought it was straightforward then. I fucking don't now

don't want to give in without a fight

There you have it. It's not pointless...that's the basic need of most humans. To carry on. When I felt terribly hopeless I started using what I had to help others. I worked with newly arrived immigrants and helped them to assimilate into the country...as a volunteer.

You have a partner and some (useless) family...my family are useless too. I think it's something that happens as you get older really. Concentrate on looking for opportunities to help others.

If you can help ONE person in this world then you're not hopeless.

It is all pointless. That much is true.

Travel?..... After coronavirus of course. Also we need to feel needed and useful.... so a job..... or volunteering work?

Try not to let the hole get deeper. Inch a bit nearer the top everyday. Even if you slip down a little.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. On better days I see it. But I look at the world now and see it is fucked.
I'm no traveller unfortunately. I usually enjoy making things, food, stuff for friends.
I love TV but the ads with all those happy families as always make me sad and suicidal. If that's the meaning of life then I'm pointless, extraneous
I have my own business. Its just been hard in the last year because of treatment. I'm trying to restart it

Well.... yeah. Maybe?

But I guess then it’s all about pleasure. What brings you pleasure?
Me: Sex. Flowers. Cake. Wine. The sea. Maybe we should make a happy list and make sure there’s something from it in every day.

I am under 50 so sorry for commenting but if it's any consolation I think it's pointless too, I often think about how badly we've been duped into 'life' and what the fucks the point. I'm not sure what the solution is but just thought I'd comment to say you're not alone x

Hi, do you mind me asking what sort of cancer you were diagnosed with and whether your treatment has now finished? Do you have a job?

My advice would be to stop looking for a point or end goal, and instead get in the thick of life and look for things which are an end in themself. Make the most of small pleasures and then every day things. Find things to look forward to. Embrace novelty and be gentle with yourself.

It is by noticing the small joys we can find the Great Wonders once more

@hellymissy comment away. I just can't be fucked with youths who think they know it all.

Breast cancer @Cinderellashoes
Ongoing hormone treatment. I've had mammograms for 15 years and they didn't pick it up, I felt a lump.
My mum died at 55 so that's in the mix too.
I love my partner but it's not straight forward

Unless you have a faith/belief in an afterlife (I don't), you're right - that's absolutely no point to any life. Doesn't mean you can't find joy in whatever time you have left.

You can cook and make things for other people - a neighbour who can't afford to buy food or children's home who need homemade toys.

You can get an animal or sponsor one if you're not in a position to adopt.

You can sit in a forest and watch all the pointless birds and insects going about their business.

You can choose to give up or you can choose to leave your own tiny mark on the world.

I'm in a similar boat, OP. 50s, no parents, siblings, children, extended family, no partner and no prospects of a relationship. In my case, my mood has been helped by thyroxine, a big whack of vitamin D, testosterone cream etc. And then endorphins when I can be arsed to generate some. Are there any untried avenues open to you to boost your mood? Antidepressants?

I'm coming up to 70 and I know this may be my last year's, and I hate that they have to be spent like this. However, I would not have lost the last 20 years for anything.

I've been there to comfort a dear friend when she lost her partner, , I've seen my niece and nephew have their children (though I've not met my last one yet,due to covid), I've had one (possibly last) visit to an island I love.

I've been around to participate in my Mums service when she died.

And I've seen my child grow to be a woman I admire.

You are 50ish. There is plenty for you to experience yet.

I'm sad to be at the end of my experience, but happy to have have it.

@nearlynermal I've been on thyroxine 25 years. Vit b injections recently too. Low vit d, eat all the right stuff...
It is about the world. The anti depressants take the edge off, without doubt. But I'm left with a gaping hole. A pointlessness. I regret, too late, not having children. I see the structure they give to a life. I have step children but it's complicated. I wish it wasn't. But parents have relationships and some of us get left behind. Or bow out.
@user1471453601 I'm probably still grieving my dad. It wasn't straightforward. I have his ashes and I know I need to do something with them. And my mum's, 26 years on. I'm just sad and lost.

I can how being an only child is hard. My Mum was an only child and she hated it. Mum died 7 years ago and I went through a couple of years of not seeing the point of anything but Mom left me with 4 sisters and they all helped me, we all felt low but tried to help each other. I have a DH and 3 DC and now 2 dgc. Some days I am ok but other days I still miss my Mum so much. I take Thyroxine, bit D3 and bit B. I was better before menopause. I am better in the summer. I hate the winter and this year has been awful.

Have you ever thought of fostering OP? Not just to give you 'children' of course but to feel more point in life? You sound like an incredibly sensitive person and that's a good thing for a foster parent. There are so many children out there in need of a temporary, loving home...somewhere they can be safe and have someone to rely on.

Hello OP - I'm 61, no kids, no siblings, parents both dead - I have a husband, but no other family to speak of. Dad died in 2019, Mum, in 1986 - so there are parallels with your life. I'm not in the slightest bit religious, so not looking forward to a happy afterlife or anything - but there is still joy to be had. I enjoy cooking new things - we only have one friend locally (I was away for a few years caring for Dad), so I feed him and DH :) I try to enjoy the weather, too - though it's a bit challenging at the moment. The one thing that keeps me going though is a sense of curiosity about how things are going to turn out - I want to know how we recover from the virus, how economies get back to 'normal', what Biden's going to do in the US, who's going to come after Boris in the UK - that sort of thing.

I highly recommend ditching your telly - I find the Eternal Sunshine of the Nuclear Family a bit much, too, so I tend to watch things online where I have a bit more control over which ads I see. Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that.

There may not be a point to all this, to life in general, but it can be rewarding and enjoyable, and even fun if you don't dig too deep, or analyse too much. Never be afraid of the trivial or the meaningless - I get a lot of pleasure from playing games online, too.

Nne of this means I don't have down days - I do - but 'this too shall pass' is my mantra, and it's always been true.

Of course life is meaningless. Personally I find it enormously liberating, reassuring, and amusing that we're all just utterly pointless talking monkeys, that only exist through biological and chemical happenstance in the first place.

The secret is that you have to find your own purpose in life, i.e. things that bring you pleasure and joy. You might be short on those at the moment, but then perhaps you need to try some new things and find one or two that do bring you fulfilment.

Im 53 so eligible to comment. I definitely turned 50 and stopped trying to continue my fake relationship with two of my brothers. It was exhausting me and it was false so I stopped and that was liberating.

Some friends have dropped off the radar for me since Covid too because I realised it was me making the effort and I couldn't be arsed.

I did go onto HRT and that helped my mood and sleep. Also I've decided to get involved in a wildlife charity. Another way to meet more likeminded people.

I am 68. I am an only child. Both my parents and the relatives I was close to are dead. I adopted two children as a single person. They are grown now and on their own. We are not estranged but they are working hard and have their own families. We talk or text about once a week. I raised a third child as a legal guardian and he is off to college.
I also had a breast cancer diagnosis but after radiation I am well, so far. Because of covid and my health conditions I have been sheltering since February - literally I have not left my house even once. I use a wheelchair and walker in my house.
What I did for my mental health was get a Pomeranian puppy! Small enough that I can life her to my lap. She gets her exercise running around the garden and sits on my lap while I type on computer or watch TV. When she is grown she will be able to jump into my lap.
I do believe in a heaven and that gives me consolation. I will see my parents and loved ones again. Until then I talk with my children when I can. I have a phone group of older people living alone. We call each other regularly and make sure that each of us is safe and well. We can't visit but we keep in touch. One of our members makes greeting cards and sends to the others on birthdays and holidays. Often her card is the only personal mail we get. Another knits caps and gives them to the homeless shelters to be distributed to those in need.
Maybe your purpose is to help others? Just to talk to people who have no one? To use your skills and abilities to help? To provide a home for a homeless animal? To smile at a stranger?

Thanks you all for taking the time to comment and share your stories, I appreciate it,especially when I feel like I'm being petulant and ungrateful. @GeorgiaGirl52 that all sounds hard but I admire your fortitude. I'm supposed to be shielding but I'm not. I can't. Or rather won't.I don't take unnecessary risks but I do take some. Your friends and dog sound like a real tonic. I have 2 dogs and have met lovely people through them. They're hard work,but that's my fault. I love then very much.
@lovelemoncurd on good days I completely get what you say. A wildlife charity sounds great.
@XDownwiththissortofthingX you're right of course. This too will pass and hopefully I'll get back to seeing what I love and like about life.
@Inextremis spot on. Again on good days I'm intrigued by life and people. I love baking and sharing it. My appetite is OTT at the moment unfortunately. Which means I can add lard arse be my list of woes. The eternal sunshine of the nuclear family - love it.
@FortunesFave I have considered fostering. I worked a long time in social care and I'm not sure I'd cope until I've completely shed that trauma.
@caringcarer I almost miss my mum more than ever .It's different. Odd. It changes. I wonder if I need more counselling and to relook at it.

Thank you again for your comments

I’m 50 next bday. Have also lost both parents (not recently), am an only child with not much family (mostly dead), DH’s family is dysfunctional. I do have children but they’re getting to late teens now so will
Be at least partially flying the nest in next few years.
Luckily I have some v good friends and I put a lot of effort in to friendships as I don’t have that family back up. I do find some friends can’t handle certain issues, but it doesn’t mean they’re not friends, just have their own issues going on.
However, I do think it’s lack of close family that is really the crux here, I also hate seeing ‘happy families’ - not so much on TV, but on Facebook or similar. I do sometimes think if I had siblings/alive parents I would be a lot happier in myself as I’d feel supported unconditionally.

I hear you regarding shedding that trauma of working in social care. A good friend of mine who is 52 has recently stopped working as a social worker because she's basically been devastated for the past 15 years as a result of what she's seen and heard. for you.x

I’m the same age as you. Always been single so the fact you have a parter and your own business sounds fantastic to me. It’s all perspective of course. I second fostering. It’s enriching and a great feeling to help others. You sound like a lovely person so sharing that with a child in a difficult situation would be wonderful if you could manage. I don’t think you need to shed all trauma first. I’ve still got plenty of my own trauma but i care for others. I do ok. Not perfect but ok.

I hear your desperation OP. I have struggled from time to time this year with the same feelings. I have been very low and I'm sure I will be again. I'm living alone, no partner and both my kids at university. I've had to dig deep to find acceptance and stoicism.

I think the things that help me are:

• simple pleasures - walking and fresh air and change of scene going a little further afield to see and feel differently
• walks with friends and checking in with them
• taking care of myself - making the effort to cook myself nice meals (I'd got very lazy as I was only cooking for one)
• working hard - feeling the satisfaction of absorption and purpose and well hey, filling my time
• taking care of others - it has been hard to be the 'cheerer up in chief' for my DD and my 90 yr old Dad both of whom have been struggling. But that diverts me from constantly checking in with what I am feeling
• music, videos, films and book recommendations - and no I've not managed to be motivated enough to take up new hobbies
• meditation - listening to music, yoga or other tapes that take me out of my day to day.

These sort of align with the 5 features of well-being:

• stay active
• take notice
• connect
• keep learning
• give