I'm totally alone and see the pointlessness of life.how the fuck do I carry on

[rumred]

I realise I'm In a minority but nevertheless I am human and I'm in a hole and don't want to give in without a fight
I'm 55, parents dead, single child, no kids, family not supportive.I'm fucked aren't I

I have good friends but my closest ones have disappeared for various reasons. A cancer diagnosis last year really showed me who I could depend on. I'm so fucked off with those I had a good bond with. And who didn't step up. I think I'm a good friend. Maybe I'm not.

I'm so lost. I have a lovely partner but it's pretty new so I can't burden her with this angst. She does know I'm struggling.

Please don't comment if you're under 50. I too thought it was straightforward then. I fucking don't now

I'm glad stopping work was a relief for you, rumred. Part of my problem is that the only thing I do have is my savings, and I don't know if they're going to see me through retirement. So I'll probably never have the courage to get off the treadmill.

@rumred thank you for what you said, you’re right of course. I left my job after my sick leave for the cancer. I just couldn’t cope going back and was stuck in a job I did, purely because I felt I’d never get another job.
Have you restarted the AD’s? I hope you’re feeling a little better. I’m really not against taking AD’s but I can’t carry on living like I have been and am trying to work through things without. If nothing changes then I will try them.

Could I ask: those of you on ADs, what are you taking? I'm thinking it might be time for me to bite the bullet and get a prescription.

OP I'll certainly not advise as I'm still in my 40s and my circumstances/challenges are different, but I want to say that this thread resonates with me, that discussing the pain of this human condition of ours helps me and many others on the thread. So just by reaching out and being vulnerable you have helped make others feel less isolated. You sound like such a lovely person and I really hope you keep buggering on, because the world needs people who are thoughtful and have insight and life experience. You are important as a member of the lovely people society!!! The fact that you ever even bothered to work in social care means you will have helped a lot of people already, and you have time left to be a lifeline for others who are desperate for human warmth like you clearly have in spades. I don't mean volunteering necessarily but I'm trying to say that just by being you, you will be able to comfort people you come across in the future. That's something to live for. You have such empathy and soul- it's clear in your responses here. Anyone who gets to spend time with you will be blessed x

Hiya @niceday thats about the size of life isn't it? How do you make yourself happy?
@July56 I've started on mirtazapine. 4 weeks in and my anxiety is rising. I will speak to the doctor again as the side effects plus anxiety = misery.
@nearlynermal I was on citalopram and have to say it did a good job. I changed because my libido had disappeared. There's loads of anti depressants so it's about finding one that suits you. My experience with ads has been positive generally. I've always felt ambivalent about them and reliance on them but sometimes life is almost unbearable, so you need medical assistance. Well that's how I square it with myself.
@bingowingsmcgee your post is so kind, brought a lump to my throat. I felt a bit stupid initially for posting this thread but at least I'm not alone with feeling bleak at times, I mean it has helped me feel more human. I'd prefer nobody else to feel crap but sharing the pain can help a little.

Thanks rumred. Yes, I think I'm up against my pain threshold now. Might look into a GP appointment. I no longer have any use for a libido, so that's one less thing to worry about.

There's a nice thread on here about people's little daily luxuries that make them feel better. I'm finding it quite soothing. Maybe you might too.

Sorry if I didn't RTFT properly, but do you have any pets?

I guess I don’t pursue happiness as such anymore. It can come when other ingredients are in place.
I find perspective helpful. I don’t think a cat’s life is pointless, or any human’s I met. It would be unfair to judge my own life by a different scale.
I often feel empty because my life does not produce anything positive. Then I remind myself that I didn’t cause anything negative either. The result is pretty neutral and that’s not bad.
Adding some pleasure and distractions to the basic care makes life pretty bearable and sometimes even enjoyable.

Hiya @nearlynermal yes I've got 2 dogs and 2 cats. One of my dogs is super sensitive and picks up on my moods. He responds by barking and being overly protective. Which isn't great.
I'm finding YouTube vids on anxiety, self esteem etc helpful currently.
I'll have a look at the thread you mentioned, thanks.
@niceday I aim for doing some good in the world, with a bit of joy when possible. When my mood drops significantly I lose sight of this. I think I'll see if I can speak with a therapist I saw a few years ago. I'm not sure why I put things like that off, but I do. Shit memory doesn't help.
I hope we all manage to experience a bit of joy this month.

@rumred - Yes, it’s hard once you are over 50. I am 54, widowed last year, alone in my parent’s house right now on Christmas Eve (I don’t live here) while they are both in different hospitals in situations that aren’t going to get better. Some dear friends have incurable cancer, and I know I will lose them, others are happy but have left or are planning on leaving the country to start new lives and I am unlikely to see much of them. I have no children and it’s hard to imagine that life is going to be much fun for the next few years, it certainly hasn’t been for most of the last two years. I am lucky enough to have saved enough money to be able to stop working and I set off trying to put in place a few building blocks of a new life only for COVID to stop all that.
BUT - I agree with @inextremis that ‘this too will pass’, although it’s bloody wearing in the meantime.
Anyway: cultivate new and old friends and interests, even if you don’t feel like it, some will blossom and sustain you. Stay curious. Accept that you can’t always predict what will happen (I never would have bet my very fit husband drops dead one year followed by global pandemic the next year) and that the unexpected can be good as well as bad. Enjoy the little things - there are three snowdrops flowering on my parent’s front lawn, and I have been left alone with all the Christmas chocolate and no-one to disapprove of me if Christmas lunch tomorrow is toast and marmalade with whatever I want to watch on TV in my dressing gown. Good luck!

I know what you mean. I had a very traumatic experience happen 9 years ago, I’ve struggled with my mental health /ptsd ever since But forced myself to carry on because of my elderly mum. She died 6 weeks ago leaving me all alone and when I’m thinking about it I don’t know why we’re really here. What is the actual point of anything. So called friends haven’t bothered. Yet when something pathetic happens in their lives I’m the one that runs to their aid. I feel like finding myself a little hole and just hiding myself away from everyone and everything. Life is so shallow. I wish I could volunteer for charities but I’m now so disabled that I can barely take care of myself let alone other people. Is this my life?

I don’t know the answer OP.
But I do know that all the picture perfect family shit on adverts is purely to make profit and not at all representative of the majority of families.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight that sounds tough for you. There really are no guarantees are there?
@ladybird69 so sorry to hear about your mum. That's so recent, you must be really raw. When my dad died last year I felt almost free. Like, there's no one now who cares deeply about me, I'm adrift. I suppose it can seem positive? It feels shite.
What keeps you going? What makes you feel good?
@ekidmxcl yep it's bollocks but it still stabs you in the heart. Well it does me. I am faced all round with 'normal'. It's a battle to claim you're not but that that is OK. I've been doing it my whole life (queer and ginger in the 70s ffs) it's wearing

Such a helpful thread, @rumred. Thank you. How are you doing?

Thanks @rumred yes I am free but still feeling so raw and my mum even told me to get out and get a life!

Could we resurrect this thread. I’m 57, everything on here rings true. I’ve had mental health issues all my life. And I’m sitting here thinking ‘what’s the point?’

I have a dd 14 who last year was a little girls and now hides in her room all day. I’m really really struggling with this. I miss my little girl. I have ds 26, still at home and Dh, they are both lovely. All family dead except my brother.

What’s the point if the vaccine doesn’t work? Feel on the edge of some huge abyss. I was a teacher but signed off with anxiety. Covid was just too much. So will probably lose my job, but l miss my colleagues and even my classes.

I just feel l have no purpose..

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

This is a dark time for sure for so many people and the worst thing is the isolation. I feel like I am having to work so hard to keep my head above water, two days I go I thought everything was pointless and purposeless and hopeless, but then I worked through it and today I had a breakthrough. I have decided on a course of action towards some goals I had been putting off, and I have decided a course of action regarding my loneliness. I have also spoken to StepChange about my debts and have started to clean and de clutter my environment. There is no perfect answer, but I was reminded that "depression and action do not cohabit well" and am doing my best to busy myself and find some faith that things will get better. Hope for me is the light at the end of the tunnel, whereas faith is just trusting that there is a light even when you cannot see one.

Do you mean depression and inaction?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
I totally understand how you feel re your dd. Mine is 19, we were so close and did so much together, suddenly it all changes and I’m surplus to requirements. I know that’s how it should be but within a short space of time I have nothing to do that matters anymore.
I’m very lucky, I know I am, I can do what I want and many would envy that but nothing has a point. I can spend time being creative but it’s all just filling time. I’m struggling with anxiety at the moment and just sitting watching a film or sewing or reading I find no enjoyment at all. I feel I should be doing something productive but I have no idea what? The Christmas period has been really hard as I’ve not spoken to my counsellor and feel I’m just holding all the anxiety in. Sorry I know lots have much more serious things to deal with.

I mean depression and action don't cohabit well. Whereas inaction and depression cohabit well, they feed into each other, action and depression do not cohabit well, so action helps depression.

@sparklinglime thanks for asking. I'm OK. Anxiety easily sent off the scale so I'm trying to keep busy. And breathe deeply. Mixed results. Spoke to a gp today about the anti depressants I'm on and she's advised a change. I do dislike depending on them but I also depend on thyroid meds and cancer meds so it kind of makes sense that I allow myself to use meds for my mental health. I guess 100 years ago I'd be long dead but then lots of us could say that...
@ladybird69 you have a heavy load to carry, and you know what people will say-including your mum I suspect - be kind to yourself and do what makes you smile. I'm drinking red wine as I type... That's after draught proofing the loft hatch and front door.
@ArseInTheCoOpWindow fantastic name. Have you actually mooned in the co-op?
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I lost my job after being off sick, but it was a net gain really. While off sick I read 'sunbathing in the rain' by gwyneth Lewis. It was a life saver. I know it isn't for everyone but she interrogated her depression and advises the reader to do the same. And I guess you know there are some really valuable resources online and in print for dealing with the trials of maturing children. It's such a hard time for parents and children, just different challenges.
@Bluesmartiesandpandapop glad you have dragged yourself up, what an achievement. V impressed.
@July56 I know what you mean. I have a lot of outstanding jobs to do. If I think about it I'm screwed. So at the moment I'm enjoying the small wins. See loft hatch above. Oh and I went to paperchase for a new diary, and it was reduced by 75%. I won't regale you with the numerous small losses.

Rum red jigsaws, crosswords or Suduko are good for anxiety. You have to think about them...

My immediate response is I can't, there's so much I need to do. Being self employed means I find it hard to take time off. Maybe something to consider

I'm 51, no partner or kids (both by choice and I don't regret not having had kids). My mother is still alive, in another country 1500 miles away. I have two wonderful siblings - in two other countries (so my mother and the 3 of us are in 4 countries). I do have wonderful friends. When I was 17, I became Catholic at my own request and for me God is "the point", towards which we travel. I look forward to seeing deceased family members and friends in heaven and whatever happens here, this life is just the hallway to our real life.

Hello rumred,

I,ve read through your posts and want to wish you Happy New Year.
I hope next year will be happier for you in every way.

I'm over 50 and also suffer with depression.

I think a lot of mental health issues in this age group are menopause related. I’ve got much worse since the menopause 5 years ago. Unfortunately l can’t take HRT, but it might work for some of you.

I hope everyone on here who feels sad makes some progress towards feeling better at some point. Perhaps we should have a meet up? Only people who go through it really understand it l think.

Yesterday l was really down. I walked past 26 year old ds. He stopped what he was doing and hugged me. He was always good at reading faces even when little.