I'm totally alone and see the pointlessness of life.how the fuck do I carry on

[rumred]

I realise I'm In a minority but nevertheless I am human and I'm in a hole and don't want to give in without a fight
I'm 55, parents dead, single child, no kids, family not supportive.I'm fucked aren't I

I have good friends but my closest ones have disappeared for various reasons. A cancer diagnosis last year really showed me who I could depend on. I'm so fucked off with those I had a good bond with. And who didn't step up. I think I'm a good friend. Maybe I'm not.

I'm so lost. I have a lovely partner but it's pretty new so I can't burden her with this angst. She does know I'm struggling.

Please don't comment if you're under 50. I too thought it was straightforward then. I fucking don't now

Thanks again for the comments.
I'm not writing anyone off, just realistic about experience and outlook. I know I saw things very differently when younger and with less hard life experience.
I will think again about fostering. At the moment I seem to be grieving my dad and the cancer stuff again, without the cushion of anti depressants.
I do know this will pass., and I'll get back on top of things. Well I hope so...
When I finished in social care I had very dark times and came through. Doing a list of stuff I was grateful for every night before bed was surprisingly useful. I still do it, more of a struggle at the moment.
My friends are my family but unfortunately last year I was dropped by someone I considered like family when I got the diagnosis. It really shook me. The woman I considered one of my closest friends moved 8 hours away a few years ago and that too took its toll. When you aren't anyone's priority it's hard.
Anyway thank you for letting me bleat on. I really needed it last night, I was in despair

Please don't despair. I am almost 56 and an only child. I usually make a lot of effort to see friends but this year I really can't be bothered with anyone.
I'm not exactly sure why. Obviously Covid and perpetual lockdown here in the NW.
I have been despairing a few times and the best advice I got was just to try living and then if I didn't like it (in awful new life changing circumstances) then that was ok.
That sounds terrible but it really helped me to know I was making a conscious choice.
I also think you should think about fostering.
Since my kids have grown up I often think about the pointlessness of life but they do give you meaning.
I taught for many years and there are some young people who could really benefit from your time.
Best wishes and some great advice on this thread.

Some real strength and kindness on this thread. Lots of us alone out here. OP, I do hope a little ray of joy and luck shines in for you soon.

I'm not 50 but I have been diagnosed with a rare progressive condition. My advice is don't focus on the past. Focus on making the best of what you have. That's what my consultant said when I burst into tears at my appointment.

The other thing is that the sun is expanding and going to explode and the whole world will disappear one day. It blew my mind when I heard Brian Cox say this.

@Finnyhaddock thanks. Yes I'm humbled by how lovely people have been. I really needed it last night. I can almost get to that state of just live and see how it goes. It is potentially very liberating. I'll keep trying.
@nearlynermal thank you, what a kind thing to say. I wish the same for you.
@user258544 I'm sorry to hear your news, I imagine it changes your outlook on alsorts. We never know what's around the corner do we? We seem to make meaning in our lives but it can all be swept away in an instant. I hope you are getting good support for your condition

I am over 50, I have a surviving parent, a partner, and adult children. I don't think feeling lost and defeated is exclusively the providence of the childless and single.

I know how you feel! I am turning 50 next week and I am thinking 'is that it?'

I do feel like I have been duped into being a 'good citizen' and chasing the so called dream of having a job/home and being content.

My life literarily fell part in the past 5 years due to ongoing health issues. Since then I must say my outlook as changed.

I have cut off my toxic family as I simply did not want to spend my last few years (my health condition will just keep getting worse) dealing with any of them.

I have made a 'bucket list' of the things I want to do.

I simply decided to finally be myself rather than who my relatives, society or employers wanted me to be and concentrate in finding a little bit of happiness wherever I can in this shit world...

@randomer I'm sorry you're feeling so bad too. I didn't suggest I had a monopoly on misery, but my circumstances are relevant.
@Requinblanc wow you've grabbed hold of your life and that's impressive. Doesn't make up for your health issues of course but I completely empathise with rejecting the social norms we all are expected to follow. When you see through them you can't go back. There's clearly more of us around than I realised. Which is a relief

rumred, no I know you didn't. Its just that any age group, any circumstances can feel low. It doesn't discrimimate. Sometimes when you feel in the pit, your perception is skewed and it seems as though others are doing fine.

I wonder if it might be worth trying a GP appointment, although I do get how frustrating it all is.

The thing about feeling sad is that I question whether I have the right to feel that way because I'm always better off than someone else. And some people on here are absolutely heroic about the hand they've been dealt.

But then I remember my indignation at a poster who said how lonely she was and then went on to talk about her DM, DH, and turned out she was about 35 etc.

So I hear this Monty Pythonesque sound track in my head: "You have nobody to talk to but your goldfish? I WISH I had a goldfish. All I have is I a pot plant, and it died in 1976..."

God I've spent most of my life feeling I have no right to feel bad about anything because yep always are there better and worse off. And I have a duty to help the worse off. Hence staying way too long in social care.
But @nearlynermal we have every right to our emotions and we aren't responsible for all the ills in the world. I honestly believe that being happy and true to yourself are the best we can do. Obvs the usual essentials of doing no harm apply too.
Completely get what you mean about people who don't seem to appreciate what they have. We all do it at times I suppose. And it's relative. Usually I keep my ungenerous thoughts to myself but occasionally they spill out. Being a thoughtful human is hard

Reading what you’ve been through almost mirrors my own experience and I’m so sorry you feel like that. I’m an only child, in my 50’s, lost my mum over 30 years ago and went through breast cancer last year. I do have a husband and child but they’re struggling with how I am too.

I’m not sure what I can say in terms of advice except to empathise, everything you’re feeling is exactly how I feel too. I’m recovered, fit and healthy apart from side effects from HT which are hard to cope with. I’m waiting on surgery for reconstruction which has been so difficult to live with but the pointlessness is the hardest.

It feels like last year took everything out of my life, all the joy, happiness and excitement, like you friends just didn’t and still don’t get it and I’m left here in a massive hole. Attached to that is a ton of guilt, I have everything to be grateful for and should go and live life but I feel like im just waiting for it all to be over. I’m speaking to a counsellor but that’s difficult because I’m not getting any better and know I should be. I’ve resisted AD because of the problems I’m having with the HT so I’m just sitting here trying to cope on my own and it’s very hard.
I really hope you find a way through this quickly and things start to improve for you.

I'm 58 and have been through the life is pointless thing many times. I'm divorced twice. I have a son but he has his own life and lives 300 miles away. What family I have have emigrated to the other side of the world.
I have had to sit myself down and make my life worthwhile. i can't cope with relationships at all, I have complex PTSD and relationships make me very ill so I am resigned to growing old alone.
I am of the pagan faith and there is always something going on in this area for pagans so I make myself go even if I don't want to. I volunteer at the local church too because I enjoy learning about the architecture.
I have craft hobbies I do after work every day.
I have a new garden that needs complete renovation so I'm planning that. I have a stressful job in the NHS which doesn't help, somtimes it makes me ill but I see a psychiatrist for the PTSD so she helps me with coping strategies.
There was a time when I believed everything was hopeless so I decided to sit down and spend a few evenings researching things to do locally and think of things I really enjoy doing and I make myself do them.
It really has opened up my social life and I'm now regularly doing things I like doing. But I've had to make these changes. Nothing whatsoever will come to you, I've learnt that over the years.
I had to move to a new area of the country where I can afford to have a nice house, I lived in the south east before, I hated it there and I am much happier here.
Its important to work out what you want to do and where you want to live and make it happen.

Help someone else. Even if that just means responding kindly to someone on this forum, or going out for a walk and smiling at someone, or talking to someone. Get out of your front door is my advice. As soon as I step outside I feel better and every little thing you give someone else makes you feel better. I'm 63 and lost the love of my life in July

@July56 yes it's hellish isn't it. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation.
I've found anti depressants a bit of a life saver on the whole. Why are you resisting? I know they mask the misery but sometimes you need a break from it. And it sounds like you need a break.
Also it's hard being busy and productive when you're in pain, physical or emotional.
Be kind to yourself, you're all you've got. Telling that to me as well as you

@madcatladyforever I think having a belief system is good especially at grim times. I'm agnostic but haven't taken it any further. I'm terribly cynical.
Absolutely agree nothing arrives on the doorstep. Except the odd amazon parcel. I've joined stuff locally but the cancer treatment followed by lockdown has meant the organisations I'm involved with were on hold and are now closed.
I've made stuff and given it to neighbours and friends in the meantime.
I think I know what I want and where I'm going. I'm working towards it but occasionally, like the other night, I hit a wall of misery (changing ads probably had some impact on this too). At times like that everything looks bleak.
I'm on the way back up now thankfully. It feels like climbing out of a hole.

@joystir59 so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine you can see much pleasure in life at the moment. Although it sounds like you're keeping on. Do you go out daily? I have to because of the dogs. And I do keep up with friends, especially those on their own. Do as you would be done by....
I even quite like winter these days. The idea of hibernation appeals. I need to read more and avoid commercial TV channels. A good book always shifts my mood.

@rumred I’m not anti AD’s but the HT & I’m also on thyroxine both effect your mood so didn’t want to add in something else. Im hoping the counselling will help but it’s slow progress. I’ve always been someone that’s managed to get through tough times and coped but I don’t understand why I can’t now. I put too much pressure on myself, even with the counselling as I know I should be doing better than I am.
I really hope you’re ok after treatment and that you start to find some way through how you’re feeling.

Glad today feels brighter, OP

@July56 you do sound very harsh on yourself. I'm on thyroxine too and don't think the ads have affected my thyroid.
I have at times felt weak and pathetic for having to rely on ads but they work. Last week when I was at such a low ebb I think it was due to withdrawal from the ads I'd been on and the full truth of some stuff in my life not being masked/managed by ads. I accept the mask they give me. It makes life bearable. I can't unsee or unlive what I've been through in life and I can't pretend life is meaningful, broadly speaking. So the ads have their place. Given we could be dead tomorrow or anytime soon (not a covid reference, just the way life is) I want to enjoy the ride as far as I can.
Which is my long winded way of saying be kind to yourself and stop with the shouldst.

@EleanorRising thank you

Just to say I have found this thread hugely helpful. You're voicing what I feel. However bad you are feeling at the moment, please know that just by saying honestly what you're feeling here, you're helping other people.

I also want to say thank you for this thread. I hope you don’t mind me commenting as I’m under 50 but I can totally relate to what you say- I am unmarried, no kids, a (largely) very unsupportive family and no real close friends. I’m also in a job I hate but I suffer from anxiety and have no confidence to change my situation. I don’t know what I’m trying to gain from typing this but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in how you feel.

I agree with PP. Bluemoon, I'm also very unhappy at work, but feel so weakened by it that I think I'm unemployable anywhere else. Here's hoping we both get some relief.

@nearlynermal I was so unhappy in my work, career generally, and its soul destroying. I ended up off sick and then being sacked. The relief was tremendous.
I'm not suggesting that route would work for you but there will be a way through, maybe not an obvious one.
@Bluemooninmyeyes1 I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Anxiety is debilitating. Are you on any medication for it? Counselling also helps. And a different job usually. I find YouTube videos useful for getting to sleep. The ones that tell you you're great are particularly pleasant 😁
@stillcountingmyvotes thank you for your comment. Feel free to share your anxieties/distress. It really helped me get through a dark patch I was in.

Hi OP. Sorry to come about 5 years too early.
I also see life as pointless though I have a family. My life is good from outside yet quite empty and meaningless from the inside. I sometimes think there are 8bn of us on this flying rock. All lives need to be lived one at a time. Someone has to 'live' mine - why not me then