Suicidal - Please tell me there's a way back

[Namechanged1122]

Hi,
I've gone from feeling very low to losing control. I'm feeling suicidal. I'm ok at the moment, in fact I think I'm coming out of it a little bit.. but yesterday was the worst day I've had, I cried all day. I keep thinking about jumping from buildings. My GP called me about a medication review and I broke down and told her everything. The crisis team called me back and to be honest were no help, told me to try mindfulness. I didn't feel like it was enough, but I don't know what else they could've done. I secretly wanted them to admit me, and for someone to look after me for a few days. But I guess this doesn't happen.......

They called me today and I explained I was still thinking about jumping from buildings but that I'd made it to work. Now I'm home and I feel a bit better

I never want to feel so low again, but I know it'll probably happen again (I'm already on sertraline)

Has anyone clawed their way out of this? I'm worried my depression will kill me.

[Namechanged1122]

Quentin - new puppy sounds stressful but must be lovely. I'd like a little dog but it's difficult due to being at work all day

I keep telling myself to take each day as it comes.. I don't want to think ok that's it I don't feel suicidal anymore because tomorrow I could, I just don't know. I beat myself up for going backwards instead of forwards. The change in season isn't helping. It's cold and I'm not ready for winter. I'm definitely not ready for another lockdown. 😔

[Namechanged1122]

@bestoption thanks for hug. I'd love a real hug. My colleague broke the rules to hug me.

[randomer]

@Namechanged1122, don't want to be a pest but it mught be wise to see your GP and not tweak your meds with out guidance.

Also ( I am the world's worst at mindfulness) maybe try out Headspace. You can literally do a 2 minute " medititation". It is 2 minutes rest .

The things you mention are real and rational. A change in season is a big thing.

[Namechanged1122]

Thanks @randomer It sounds terrible but I only take 25mg of Sertraline. I am supposed to be taking 50mg but I found the side effects too tough when I tried to increase. I felt great at the beginning and then got used to the dose and I think I need more now. Maybe I need to try a different med. I'll have to see how it goes ..

[Atalune]

It’s ok to not be ok. We don’t want you to suffer and be in pain. No one should feel like that.

Could you call the gp about your dose or call the acute care team and ask them?

Have you spoken to anyone IRL today?

[Atalune]

50g is a lot to start on. But if you’re good on 25 now then maybe 50 is the new 25?! Please do call the care team though.

[Namechanged1122]

My family and friends don't know how I feel and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't have many friends at all and my dad and I are not very close. The root of my depression is loneliness and I really want to try and change things

[Tappering]

There absolutely is a way back - and forwards - from this.

It's worth powering through the side effects of an increased dose. I was on 150mg of sertraline up until the start of last year. It tired me out but the downsides were worth it because it did help "level" things out.

I've struggled with depression and severe anxiety and panic attacks for 25 years now. I've been on meds including tranquilisers in therapy, had CBT, been under the care of the MH crisis team... All helped a little in their own way, but the absolute game changer for me has been EMDR treatment. I paid privately and it's made an huge difference. Suicidal thoughts and ideation are now well under control. I still get panic attacks and anxiety attacks but I can cope now with breathing exercises and ad-hoc meds when I need them. I'm off ADs for almost a year now. I'd recommend looking into it as it can be so beneficial if you are struggling badly with suicidal thoughts.

[Atalune]

I can see where you’re coming from with that about friends. Maybe if you don’t feel super close to any of them?

All I can tell you is that with my friends I WANT to know. I want to listen to them and support them when they need me.

[randomer]

You have done brilliantly coming here and sharing. Could you sort of break the silence ( it can feel almost like a spell) by saying to a few trusted people something like " I feel a bit down"

This lightens your load and chances are they will say "me too"

[peanut2017]

No real words of wisdom but to say you are not alone although I know it feels like that. Life can be tough and it doesn't feel like it will pass but thankfully most of the time it does.

[QuentinWinters]

25mg is not a therapeutic dose so you need to go up. Im on 100mg a day and have been for a long time. The initial side effects were hard but its really helped me.
Im glad you felt better today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

[NameAChange]

Hugs op. I have been there a few times and am learning. The suggestion of hour by hour or day by day is good. At my worst I could resolve not to commit suicide that day. I found that at first the suicide thoughts are there, then they become something I can't get rid off which in itself becomes a problem. One thing I have noticed is a strong correlation with vitamin D, when I take vitamin D I don't get them the next day. I think what PP said about them being a sign you need to be kind to yourself is important. They are not something to be ashamed of.

Talking to people about how you feel, the unedited version, helps. Medication. Proper time off. Rest.

[MJMG2015]

[quote Namechanged1122]@bestoption thanks for hug. I'd love a real hug. My colleague broke the rules to hug me.[/quote]
(((Big Hug))))

I live alone, my 'DP' (whole other thread right now) & I chose to isolate separately as he has a DS who lives between his mum & Dad, would be at school & his Mum would not be following ang guidelines) and my DP has a business where he sees a lot of people & im vulnerable - so it made sense, but it's been very hard. I miss the hugs more than anything. None if the other lockdown stuff bothers me really, I'm not shielding do I could go out for walks etc. But hugs... & yes, we could have been seeing each other as he could have been my bubble, but that doesn't actually protect you from the virus 🙄

Your colleague did the right thing, you're allowed to deviate from the rules to provide care & MH support. You just need to weigh up the risk.

If you were my friend, I'd want to know that you were struggling & I would want to help, I certainly wouldn't consider you a burden.

I do think increasing up to the 50mg you should be on would help & it's probably best to do that now while you're in a bit of a better place.

Also Vit D. Very one should be taking it right now anyway & it might help in more ways than one.

I'm mainlining coffee at the moment, hoping fir some sudden inspiration to move my bum & get something useful done today!

[Namechanged1122]

Does anyone have a prediction as to when the social restrictions will be over and we can see people again as normal? I feel like I desperately need a timeline.
I'm up, I don't think I'm going to get much done today but I've washed my bedding so this is a good thing

I have a vit D spray in my cupboard at work but keep forgetting to take it. It was giving me a little boost at first.

[Namechanged1122]

Christmas is going to be so tough

[Namechanged1122]

@MJMG2015 thank you for hug. I give myself a hug sometimes as I read somewhere this helps and it sort of does

[Atalune]

You can see people though now unless you’re in an area of local lockdown?

Have you got Christmas plans?

[randomer]

Namechanged, I don't want to bombard you with " Why don't you......"

If you have got up and washed bedding, that is amazing for today.

Put your Vitamin spray by your toothbrush to jog your memory.

Try to draw 2 circles....things I can control and things I can't control.


Sorry, not a fan of Christmas, please try not to fret. It is months away.
See if that leads you anywhere.

[BestOption]

@Namechanged1122

Does anyone have a prediction as to when the social restrictions will be over and we can see people again as normal? I feel like I desperately need a timeline.
I'm up, I don't think I'm going to get much done today but I've washed my bedding so this is a good thing

I have a vit D spray in my cupboard at work but keep forgetting to take it. It was giving me a little boost at first.

I don't want to make things worse for you, but I think the Social Restrictions will be with us until Spring/Summer. Winter is not the time to be lifting them as the NHS is overwhelmed with winter bugs without COVID.

However, you can meet up to 5 others and you can form a bubble with a friend/family. You just need to choose who you'd like to bubble with & ask them if they would like to bubble with you. Obviously that's only ok if you aren't vulnerable to Covid. (I'm not bubbling because I am or I'd be right in with a bubble!)

Personally I'm focusing on making my place as cisy as I can for Autumn/Winter. I've ordered in some bits & pieces to do (cross stitch/yarn etc) and will put up my Christmas fairy lights very early! I will also put up the tree & decorations even though I'll be the only one to see them, I think.

There are things I'll miss doing for sure (huge local bonfire night, Christmas markets in Germany, Christmas with friends) BUT I'm focussing on making it as nice as it can be.

Vit D is cheap, get some for at home too. I have tablets by the coffee maker and take one every morning.

What do you normally do for Christmas?

[Namechanged1122]

I'd probably go to my parents for Christmas but they have a bubble with my sister and her young children so I'll be alone. It's ok I don't like Christmas much anyway.

Bad afternoon. thinking dark thoughts. I've gone back to bed. Thanks for responses, they help.

[Namechanged1122]

The circles idea I might try @randomer it might put things in perspective

I'm so sorry for bothering people.

[randomer]

Don't like Christmas? Welcome to my world. It's 24 hours and its 3 months away.
Try to say something to someone in RL. You could just start with I'm fed up/ I feel rough. That could be your start.

[LindaEllen]

I am so sorry to hear you feel like this, OP. Let me tell you, though, there is ALWAYS a way back, and ALWAYS a way to make things better.

Things are super difficult for everyone at the moment, and struggling with mental health obviously makes things a million times harder. I have anxiety myself and I have certainly noticed a marked deterioration in my condition since the 'second wave' started being talked about a few weeks ago.

The best advice I can give to you is to be as open as you feel you can. Your doctor/MH team absolutely need to know where you're at, as this helps them target your treatment. Keep a diary of your feelings if you can. Notice if there's anything particular that might trigger it, for example for me I can't be on my own for too long. It's easier said than done at the moment, but reach out to a friend, video chat or phone call, or even just a little conversation on Messenger is better than nothing.

I also find that hobbies can help me to pass the time. For example I started Diamond Painting at Christmas last year and it helps me a lot. It's nothing but a time waster basically, but it can calm me down when I'm feeling low.

The most important thing to remember is that these feelings WILL pass, and there IS a course of treatment that will make you feel better. It's not always as simple as finding the right treatment for you on the first time of trying, but with the help of your GP you can absolutely take the first steps towards being well again.

[QuentinWinters]

You aren't bothering anyone. Its the Internet, people don't respond unless they want to.
I think you should talk to your parents or sister about whether you can change the bubble arrangements. You need help right now.
I know I found lockdown very very hard, seeing family is so important for mental health so maybe you will feel a bit better if you can get some arrangement to see them.

Well done for washing the bed. Nothing like a nice clean bed to get into at night. Keep going xx