Suicidal - Please tell me there's a way back

[Namechanged1122]

Hi,
I've gone from feeling very low to losing control. I'm feeling suicidal. I'm ok at the moment, in fact I think I'm coming out of it a little bit.. but yesterday was the worst day I've had, I cried all day. I keep thinking about jumping from buildings. My GP called me about a medication review and I broke down and told her everything. The crisis team called me back and to be honest were no help, told me to try mindfulness. I didn't feel like it was enough, but I don't know what else they could've done. I secretly wanted them to admit me, and for someone to look after me for a few days. But I guess this doesn't happen.......

They called me today and I explained I was still thinking about jumping from buildings but that I'd made it to work. Now I'm home and I feel a bit better

I never want to feel so low again, but I know it'll probably happen again (I'm already on sertraline)

Has anyone clawed their way out of this? I'm worried my depression will kill me.

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

How are you feeling this morning OP?

[ChalkDinosaur]

I hope you're OK this morning OP x

[Namechanged1122]

Hello
Thank you for replies. I made it to work. I haven't eaten all day but managed to have a coffee and water. Crisis team called and I broke down in tears. The lady I speak to is quite nice, she's given me things to think about but I don't have the motivation to do any of it
I think I need to go off sick I only hope I don't get into trouble at work. I've had a period of sickness already but because it was covid symptoms it wasn't counted on my sickness record .....
I appreciate people's responses. I've never felt so bad in all my life

[QuentinWinters]

How long have you been on the sertraline for? Maybe its not suiting you or you need to change the dose.

Could it be linked to your menstrual cycle? I feel really bad and sometimes suicidal with pmt

[MNnicknameforCVthreads]

Been thinking of you today OP.

I don’t know your job/circumstances but I would say definitely take time off if you think you need to and it will help you feel better. You would take the time off if it was a physical illness. In many ways this is much worse and harder to function with.

Would you like to say anymore about what the crisis worker has suggested/how you feel about what they’ve said? Only if it helps

[Namechanged1122]

I've been ok on Sertraline but I need to increase my dose. It's worked for my anxiety but not the depression
I'm on the pill (could be a cause) so I don't have a cycle at the mo

Crisis team told me to access counselling through work which I might do

I just need to take things an hour at a time rather than doing an entire work day

[Namechanged1122]

Need to hug someone

[Namechanged1122]

I wanted the crisis team lady to just talk to me about anything, just to hear someone's voice but instead she was telling me to do things that I don't have the motivation for.

[MNnicknameforCVthreads]

Yes that sounds tough listening to “helpful” suggestions. What about trying the Samaritans? You don’t have to be actively suicidal to call them and I think they’re better at listening and compassion. Sometimes there are local places that have helplines.

Regarding motivation, when you’re depressed, sometimes there won’t be motivation to do something. You kind of just have to do it anyway. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine to hide under the duvet, but also, if you find just a slither of motivation, try to do something and then build on it - a kind of fake it til you make it.

[Ideasplease322]

It does get better, I promise.

Taking to people about it is hard, but it helps. I absolutely understand wanting someone to look after you.

My sister was an amazing support - it also helps that someone knows you are feeling low.

But it does pass. I never thought I’d be happy or calm again. I am having a bit of relapse at the moment, anxiety spiking, but nowhere near as bad as it was a couple of years ago. And this time I recognise the signs, I have told my sister and I will get counselling and it will pass.

[QuentinWinters]

Oh poor you
If you don't need contraception I'd try coming off the pill. It can make women more depressed. I know any hormones make me feel really depressed.
Maybe talk to the GP about increasing the sertraline.
Also the samaritans to talk is a good shout

[Namechanged1122]

The crisis team also gave me a separate number I could call anytime. I'm not sure who it's for.

I understand the fake it till you make it. The 'what's the point' is so overwhelming

[Ideasplease322]

My counsellor gave me homework every week that I never did.

A lovely lady in her in work told me to do one thing a day - something nice and easy. Like walk around the block, buy myself a bunch of flowers, text a friend. I set myself really easy goals every day and or actually made a difference.

Call the number If you want to talk, that’s what it’s there for. I felt like I was wasting my counsellors time, when I look back I was in a bad way and really needed The service. I just didn’t see it at the time

[QuentinWinters]

Don't know if you've ever seen this but I found it very comforting
lettersofnote.com/2009/10/08/it-will-be-sunny-one-day/

[Namechanged1122]

That is comforting Quentin, thanks.

[Namechanged1122]

I made an idiot out of myself today at work. I cried when a colleague came over to talk to me. I've spoken to her before about how I feel and she doesn't mind. I just feel like everyone at work thinks I'm crazy. I feel like I've acted unprofessionally. It's embarrassing

[MNnicknameforCVthreads]

Regarding work colleagues: those that mind don’t matter, those that matter don’t mind.

I can guarantee that most people these days are well aware of mental health struggles, and indeed just struggles, and anyone who’s been around the block will have seen people cry at work before. I’ve done it a few times myself, and seen others. One was a man! I never thought it was unprofessional.

Please be kind to yourself.

[trunumber]

If you had cried to me at work I would be honoured that you trusted me enough to cry with me. People often care more than you realise.

This will pass OP, if will get better, it really will.

[Ideasplease322]

I have cried at work. It’s fine. I still got promoted!

[lonelySam]

Oh OP, it is so difficult to be where you are but it can and does get better!
Have you been put on ADs only recently? Apparently they work on anxiety first and then on depression later so it might be just the case of persevering a bit more.
I promise it will get better!

[a00031]

Hi love! So sorry you feel this way but please know things will get better for you. Place your hand on your heart.. it's pumping... your here for a purpose. Your alive for a reason don't ever give up

[Eekay]

I'm where you are right now. The only thing that's vaguely keeping me here is that I know I've been this ill and desperate before and it DID pass.
I'm going hour to hour as it's the only way to vaguely cope.
And yy to the "useful " suggestions. People don't understand you're simply too sick and exhausted to force yourself to do them.
A warm bath, a walk, meditation and some lavender oil ain't gonna fix this.
Change of medication is usually what I need when I go seriously downhill like this. I have a psychiatrist which would probably be really helpful to you too.
You just find yourself fantasising about being sedated so you can sleep till it all goes away. Resisting suicidal ideation is exhausting and terrifying.
I absolutely empathise. Keep doing what I'm doing: remind yourself hourly (out loud if you need to) that this is going to pass. It's not permanent. Just keep the next hour in mind, nothing further than that.
Wishing you strength. I get it, i really do, you're not alone in this

[Atalune]

Hey op, just here for you.

[Namechanged1122]

Thank you. Made it to work again. Hardly slept. I'm planning on going off sick next week.

[Namechanged1122]

@Eekay sorry you're feeling the same way 😔