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Original poster

Anyone else just trying to stay alive at the moment?

92 replies

colouringindoors · 29/07/2020 00:05

I have cptsd from living with undiagnosed bipolar oh for 10 years, two major horrific crises, ds also with ptsd. Severly slipped disc for last 5/6 weeks pain 24/7 and I am honestly on the edge. Only thing keeping me going (despite 2 dcs who rely on me) is my darling dad. He would be totally totally heartbroken if i took my life, most of all of my lovely family.
So I've googled as am taking a Shitload of drugs at the moment.
My mum unusually for her asked how I was doing tonight. So I replied and said pain was v bad. No reply. Classic. she's no mother.
Like us almost entirely unbearable.

How do u keep going?

OP posts:
labyrinthloafer · 29/07/2020 08:56

Hello, I saw your post and just wanted to send you Flowers and Brew. I know that's no help really but couldn't read and run.

I don't honestly know how people keep going. I just know that the vast majority do and for many many people it is better at a later point, and they therefore are glad that they did.

I would urge you to try to find someone to talk to today, just to explain how dreadfully hard things are for you. Could you call Samaritans just to have chance to explain?

Original poster
colouringindoors · 29/07/2020 12:46

thanks labrinth I have got an appt with my therapist tomorrow so will try and keep that in mind today. thank you

OP posts:
Glacierminty · 29/07/2020 13:32

Sorry to hear that you are struggling !
I am too at the moment. Long term mental health probs and fighting the urge myself.
Some mumsnetter helpfully told me about SHOUT - you can text them for crisis support on 85258
Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 29/07/2020 14:29

thanks *glacier ' sorry to hear you're feeling the same, it's torture.

hadn't heard about SHOUT - good to know. take care

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 29/07/2020 14:32

I'm definitely just dragging myself through days and can only cope with the minimum.
Sending FlowersOP

wombatsandaplant · 29/07/2020 14:46

Sorry to hear your really struggling.

I am really struggling too, I have had a okay ish 6 months since Christmas but I’m back to really horrific again. I’m psychotic again which is just making everything worse.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 29/07/2020 14:50

thanks wildthings so sorry to hear you're in this hellhole. Today I have not even got out of bed.

wombats oh crumbs that must be a nightmare with psychosis too so sorry you're in such a bad place.

Flowers for us all.

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 29/07/2020 23:29

colouringindoors hope your appointment with your therapist goes well tmrw.
Let us know xx

wildthingsinthenight · 29/07/2020 23:32

Glacier and Wombats
Thinking of you both xx

Original poster
colouringindoors · 29/07/2020 23:34

thanks wildthings really appreciate it. Due to go on hol Fri and thinking I'll be the most miserable holiday companion ever.

Hope everyone gets some sleep.
Watched Monsters Ball this eve. Pretty good.

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 29/07/2020 23:41

Colouring we are going next Friday and I feel the same! Only a few days at the coast. I often wobble on holiday though as I want it to be perfect and my expectations are far too high I think

Original poster
colouringindoors · 29/07/2020 23:46

there is pressure to jave an amazing time. Because if my shitty back I won't be able to surf or dig or go for walks. Just watch everyone else have fun. Pity party alert...

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 29/07/2020 23:47

That is rubbish! Also if you are on codeine (which I am at the moment) the comedown when it wears off is awful.
Hooe you can still enjoy your hols and your back gives you a break

Pinkchocolate · 29/07/2020 23:49

Sorry you’re feeling shit. I’ve struggled too. One day I’m fine, others I want to cry all day. Hope you get to enjoy your holiday. Sending hugs.

wildthingsinthenight · 29/07/2020 23:54

PinkChocolate Flowers

Original poster
colouringindoors · 30/07/2020 00:03

wildthings interesting re codeine. I'm taking a bit less this week maybe thats not helping.
pinkcocolate thanks. I think the only reason I'm going is cos I don't think I'd be safe on my own for a week Sad

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 30/07/2020 00:05

I defo feel more down and irritated as it wears off. Less tolerant of things

Original poster
colouringindoors · 30/07/2020 00:21

don't think its helping then. was on 150g a day, now 90... night lovely people x

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 30/07/2020 00:30

Night. Hope you sleep well xx

Original poster
colouringindoors · 30/07/2020 16:10

well "wild* therapist did help, as did acupunturist just now (cried through most it - fun in a mask) my gp who I phoned in-between was brusque and unsympathetic which hurt me. I should have told her how dark my thoughts were but after her initial brusqueness I couldn't.

I'm trying find out if you can call Samaritans from France... hope your day's not bee too bad.
pick choc i hope you're hanging in there

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 30/07/2020 17:04

Hi colouring so glad your day was successful in parts. Shame about your gp Angry
I too have cried all the way through an accupuncture session before. Not with a mask on though!
You could maybe text SHOUT from France?
Hope you get more info for when you're away.
My day was ok. I didn't get much sleep and had a terrible nightmare so was wobbly first thing. It got better and I managed to cook lunch and potter about. Just had a nap too.
My mood often goes down in the evening. I think it's tiredness with anxiety and guilt at not getting out and about as much as I should with my DS. I am a real recluse if left to my own devices.
Planning distraction with an audiobook (signed up to Audible which really calms me down) and a family film.
Hope you're ok today pinkchoc

Pinkchocolate · 30/07/2020 17:12

@colouringindoors I’m glad the therapist and acupuncture helped, sorry your GP was shit, can you speak to a different one at your surgery?
Thank you all for asking, I really appreciate your kindness. This morning was horrible but I actually called a friend while I was feeling low (I wouldn’t normally) and she was great. I’ve got an appointment to speak to a therapist next week so I’m hoping that will help. This afternoon my son wanted to go to the park and I didn’t have the heart to say no, the sun and fresh air were lovely and I really enjoyed myself.
Hope you’ve all managed to have a good day.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 30/07/2020 19:08

thanks pink She's usually good so disappointing. Well done on speaking to a friend. Its really hard when you feel so bad isn't it? Glad it helped. Talking therapy is a really good idea hope you connect with her/him. Trying to distract myself with music this pm....have slept loads too. (((hugs))) all

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 30/07/2020 20:21

pink that's great you spoke to a friend. I need to do more of that.
The park sounds lovely too

lonelySam · 30/07/2020 20:56

Can I join you lovely ladies? I am recovering from my first psychosis episode. Zero help from my GP, referral to a psychiatrist is a five months wait (I am not in the UK), partner is pissed off I am sick, baby doesn't understand what is going on and all my friends are far away. I saw MH Crisis Team who told me it was a psychotic break and sent me home with no medication. The psychosis stopped after a week or so but three weeks in, it is all so, so hard and I am so afraid I will never get back to my 100% self from before the illness took hold. The lockdown did not work out ok for me :(