Anyone else just trying to stay alive at the moment?

[colouringindoors]

I have cptsd from living with undiagnosed bipolar oh for 10 years, two major horrific crises, ds also with ptsd. Severly slipped disc for last 5/6 weeks pain 24/7 and I am honestly on the edge. Only thing keeping me going (despite 2 dcs who rely on me) is my darling dad. He would be totally totally heartbroken if i took my life, most of all of my lovely family.
So I've googled as am taking a Shitload of drugs at the moment.
My mum unusually for her asked how I was doing tonight. So I replied and said pain was v bad. No reply. Classic. she's no mother.
Like us almost entirely unbearable.

How do u keep going?

oh booseys please dont feel that. im in a whole different league! seriously considering flying myself and my son home asap. My ex and my Dear(?) bro totallly failed to adjust their plans for tomorrow so me and ds could join in despite me asking and ive had enough. i got to do what i wanted to do for one hour tiday. ds is desparate to go home.
Will see what tomorrow brings...

colouring this sounds so hard. You've done incredibly well to get yourself and your DS out to France anyway.
I hope tmrw is a bit better ❤

Valancy hang in there ❤ I hope you managed to find a small moment of peace today xx

lonely this is a great update! ❤

Wombats thinking of you sending you lots of strength. I'm glad you have a plan in place.

Struggling here too, have cptsd and a few debilitating long term health issues so chronic pain plus a new injury at the beginning of lockdown which is not improving and a lot of the run-around from the GP / physio.
I'm a key worker and until last week I'd had no break since January.
I have taken my kids away for a very cheap holiday nearby and being away from home for a few days has really helped to reset my mental health.
Hope you can get a break, even with pain it's still so much less pressure without all of daily life's detail.

@colouringindoors

hi booseysmum so sorry to hear you're having such a rubbish time. Are you on Facebook? if so there's a v good PMDD support group - UK PMDD support group which might be worth a look at. Dont dismiss the anti depressents though, I take fluoxetine fir depression and it has helped my symptoms. Just read about you wanting to stop periods- many women on that fb have had surgery to stop everything. Anyhow, I hear you x

Ooh I have pmdd too, will check the group, thanks and take care of yourself.

Hi everyone. Pleased to find this thread as have been feeling suicidal today. Everything has been getting too much.
I am sorry to hear about those struggling with chronic pain. It's one of my worst fears and I don't know how you do it. My hat is off to you (if that makes sense) for getting through each day.

I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (triggered today hence feeling suicidal), depression, anxiety, ADHD and various chronic physical health conditions.

It feels like everything is a struggle and I rarely get any respite from all of it. Life feels like hard work with very little reward.

ADHD means managing life is hard, social stuff is hard, work is hard and I end up working loads of extra hours. My physical health means my ADHD has worsened and I get periods of chronic fatigue. I am also overweight and really unfit. Every time I try to lose weight or get fit I get ill again. My physical health issues mean I can't use the crutches (like alcohol) that I used to use to get me through socially and I can't face social situations that are already difficult with fatigue and brain fog. I am so isolated.

I have never felt like I fitted in. But I feel like I have no one to talk to as I've completely isolated myself.

Then I get hit with BDD periodically. That is the worse thing as you go from
0 to suicidal in minutes. It's the worst.

Everything feels like a vicious cycle with no respite. I feel like I am in a race when I am being tripped over every 2 metres and dragged back to where I started. Over and over again for years now.

Plus my husband has all his stuff that seems to fill in the gaps where my shit has a good day.

It's so fucking depressing. I try to get through one day at a time and not think about tomorrow but life has no joy any more and it feels like no hope for it getting any better.

I was buoyed fairly recently before getting my ADHD diagnosis but have not been able to start any treatment even after going through everything to get the diagnosis because my thyroid went overactive again so now I am waiting for an endo appointment to start treatment for that instead.

It's one thing after another. 2 steps forward, 10 steps back.

Sorry for the rant just wanted to share with some people who get it.

Thanks for reading 🙏

Hi everyone. Can I join? I have been struggling a lot. I have a long and complicated history. Sexually assaulted as a teenager. Fled a violent relationship as a teenager. Fled a very violent marriage in my 20s. Been left with PTSD as a result. Am now married again to a wonderful man who has been left to pick up all he shit. He too has baggage and we both have chronic health problems. We have 2 kids. Youngest child is 4 and is being assessed for autism but obviously everything stopped due to covid. Have been shielding since march all 4 of us and it is just really getting to me now. Youngest has no sensory issues but is severely behind with speech due to ear problems now sorted so challenging behaviour (and it is so challenging) is caused by the frustration because of speech problems. This is why autism assessment is up in the air too as no sensory issues make it unlikely and it could all just be coming from speech problems
So it is a wait and see game. Lately i have been so down. Lots of panic and flash backs. Depression seems like a fog around me that i cant lift. In the middle of this i decided to give up smoking last week and it is really getting to me. I am so fed up. I feel like i am drowning. If i tell family i just get told i have nothing to feel bad about and i need to be strong and get it together for kids. But i honestly feel like there is no joy in life at the minute. Its all sucked out. Am going to contact family doctor to ask to increase my meds. I cant go on like this. But to the poster above who said about just getting through the day i feel at the minute i am just getting through each hour.

I've had a bad day today and just got an unexpected period so I think I am perimenopausal too just to add to the general chaos of my brain ugh.
My thoughts keeping me up in the night were that I am damaging my DS by him having to be around me when I am like this. He has anxious tendencies and is starting secondary in Sept. My DH is brilliant with him but I wish I could be the mum my DS needs.. upbeat.. positive..energetic.
Had about 4 hours sleep so today should be interesting as I'm so tired with a flare up of 2 chronic health conditions.
Hence Famous I am with you re the health conditions on top of everything else.
You sound like you are really going through it. Good to hear your holiday was a positive move. We are going to the coast tmrw. I'm really hoping it helps me reset too.
Sending ❤

MiniMum
I understand the feeling that every day is just a mission to get to the end. You have a lot on your plate.
It is great you got your ADHD diagnosis. I hope your thyroid settles and you can get treatment soon.
I hear you about the alcohol too ❤

Stoptheworld that all sounds really tough
Hour by hour often happens here too.
Depression is like wading through treacle I often think. And relentless. I just want to find some fun and joy in life too. Hope an increase in meds helps you. I am thinking of doing the same.
Lots of ❤

hi stoptheworld and minimum so sorry to hear you're having tough times. Hope this thread helps even just a little.

@colouringindoors it is helping. Knowing I am not the only one and being able to "talk" to some people who will just get it without explanation. My husband tries to be supportive but often says exactly the wrong things and I have to explain and explain how I am feeling and why. It's exhausting and doesn't feel like support. Not that that is his job. He doesn't have to be my therapist I just don't have anyone else to talk to.

So this thread is great thank you for starting it.

Wfh today. Need to get on the phone and am mustering up the strength to put the mask on.

As you said just trying to stay alive today. Not feeling suicidal right now and that is something.

Good luck getting through today everyone. One day at a time. 💐💐💐💐

Hello everyone. So sorry to hear of everyone's struggles. My day got better as it went on yesterday. Thank you all for being here.

Hi minimum and valency thats good to hear. I've decided to bring me and my ds home tomorrow by plane instead of long drive on Friday. Pretty gutted but think its the right thing.

Hello all. I hope your journey goes well today colouring. Well done for making a decision. I don't k ow about you but I find making any decision when I'm in a bad place pretty much impossible. Taking dd to a river for a paddle today. Hoping to have a gentle day. Hope the starts to everyone's days are going OK.

thanks valency not thrilled to be flying wuth Covid but French ate vv organised - felt safer here than in uk. So so hot. Car said 40 degrees on way to airport! It was the right decision for me and my ds but like u say so hard to make when yr head is in a state. My dd is vvvv nervous about being without me due to ASD and bipolar dad (currently okish)

hope you have/had a lovely time at the river.

Hi all. We are at the coast for a few days.
Coloring safe journey home.
valency hope you had fun at the river.
We have been on the beach this evening just for a paddle

colouringindoors thank you for your kind msg. Hope you are safely getting home. Take care.

Hi minimum and stoptheworld....thinking of you.

Hi. I still haven't managed to speak to my doctor. It is so hard to get through on the phone!

My physical health has also been bad recently and i am in a lot of pain and not sleeping well.

Still just getting through. Have so much going through my mind i cant seem to switch it off. Why does life have to be this hard?

Why does life have to be this hard?

This x 1 000 000

So totally get what you're saying stop. My last 10 years has been one trauma after another, relentless. Sending buckets of sympathy.

have you tried writing down whats in your head. Ive only been doing it a couple of weeks, and not necessarily every day but i think it is helping with that feeling of total brain overload, take care.

Something Id never ever thought I'd say after Covid lockdown, but i am glad to be home. Its such a relief. Ds is happier and his speech is back. im so glad to he away from exh who was massively triggering my ptsd.
We're having a total rest day.

Best wishes to all.

I'm enjoying being at home with just ds and I He's spending far too much time on fortnight and i am sleeping til midday! Just going to enjoy today and tomorrow.

very quiet - hope everyone's ok x

@colouringindoors.. yes thanks. Just found your msg. You got home safely then? How are you feeling?

Hi booseysmum yeah we flew with easyjet who with their assistance scheme were really helpful.

Feeling so low though. Even the gentlest treatment by acupuncturist or osteo sends everything back into spasm. Cant get hold of my GP though dont know what she can actually do. Feel broken. 😪