Thank you for the words and the time taken to reply, I am trying to unpick my mind and work out what I need to do, it’s just hard. But I’m here and I have to turn this around because I can’t stay living like this in my mind. I said to my cbt therapist when I did it that I would rather spend the next 50 years working on my mental health than living in the silent pain and I meant it, I’ve just lost sight of that.
I worry myself because when I get to such a low place I feel very suicidal and the thoughts are big. I feel angry that I have to be alive. I feel devastated that I can’t just choose to end the pain and that I’m forced to be here and stay here.
I think of different ways I could die and how I could make it look like an accident so that it doesn’t seem selfish and I even set up life insurance at one point for my children to help with their care and for when they’re adults when I’d felt very low. But I won’t go through with it, I couldn’t do that to them. I just get scared that if I ever sink too low and can’t come back from it, what if I do? It sounds silly because I know I wouldn’t but what if?
I think a huge part of the problem is my childhood. I feel angry at myself that I can’t just let that go and be over it. It wasn’t as bad as some people have had it I’m sure. There was allot of abuse and from a mixture of people. Some very close to me and some not so much. Out of it all though I think it’s the verbal and emotional side that has stuck with me and that has messed me up to the extent that I am.
It was a daily stream from a very young age and although I know on a logical level that those words aren’t who I am, it’s like they’ve been so ingrained into me that I just can’t see myself in any other way.
I’d started to with the help but I could really do with ongoing support. I am so very grateful, between the cbt and counselling I think I had around 35 hour long sessions altogether which is huge, I feel so very lucky but it still isn’t enough.
I feel very worthless and like a huge waste of space to the world and I’ve mostly throughout my adult life felt that at least I am a good mum. Not perfect because none of us are but good enough. I just have felt the irritability in myself lately and am not as good as I could be and then I feel like thats it, even the one thing I do get right I’m ruining and I just can’t be my best no matter how much I want it and how hard I try. I’ve sworn around them, I’ve even directed “for fuck sakes” at them when arguing and I have never done that before!
@TyroSaysMeow Other people’s empathy does hurt. I feel so undeserving of any kindness and love, I tend to push it away outside of my children, I hate that I do it but it’s just default. I have worked on it the older I’ve gotten but it still feels strange.
@SunshineCake they are truly wonderful people, I just fear that I’ll end up ruining that just by being me.
Thank you for your kindness, I don’t think I could afford to pay privately so I’m pretty stuck for options but I have found a service that offers hugely discounted counselling prices so I might look into that although I’m not sure they cover what I think I need. If I remember rightly I think that’s more for Counselling around anxiety but I could be wrong. I do get anxious but it’s more than just that I think.
I think I’ve just reached a point where I feel like I can’t be bothered with anymore help because I’m so fed up and don’t deserve it anyway.
I’m trying to turn that mind set around, I know I have to. Not for myself but for my children.
Thank you for not feeling the displeasure.
@tootiredtospeak thank you, I hadn’t looked at it like that, that there was positivity too. I suppose I’m not at rock bottom yet.
I’d say I do have a few friends yes, my friends have children who my children get along with although mine are quite a bit older as I had mine young. I really enjoy spending time with them, they are great people but I probably do have a closeness barrier that goes up even with them. I try to be there for them when they need me but I would never put on them. My best friend I have done in the past over unhappy relationships but I felt like a burden so I vowed not to go to her over emotional issues again in such a way.
I am pleased with the progress on my debt. I was in quite a good position before my last relationship. Ish. But I got into a lot more debt during that relationship through taking on costs I shouldn’t have and paying for more than I should have but we live and we learn and I’m almost there now.
The job decision I’m not sure is positive. It’s something I wanted for such a long time. I had a recent supervision where my manager praised my work beyond anything I could have imagined and I was given some great responsibilities. I feel like I’m maybe self sabotaging with it all but I just can’t go back and I don’t know why.
I think I’m aware that I need time to work on my mental health and myself and I can’t work that job and do that at the same time. I don’t think I can provide the reliability they need right now.
The relationship decision was what was needed and I don’t regret it at all, I should have done it sooner but again we live and we learn.
No I wouldn’t leave them but I worry that one day I will sink so low inside my mind that what if? It’s like I don’t fully trust myself to always be strong.
I truly appreciate you framing things that way. I know I can be strong, I’ve fought all my life to be strong I suppose what I feel sometimes is along the lines of
“I just want to able to not be strong, just for a while, to have someone be strong for me for a little while, to tell me what I need to do, to love me, to hug me, to care about me”
I suppose It comes down to my inner child. I wish I had just one adult in my life who cared about me. Just one person I could turn to in times of need. When life gets hard and the world feels heavy. Someone to turn to and ask for help. For a hug, for some direction.
I’m glad I’m that for my children but I wish so badly that I had that for me too. I never had that and I’m still sad about that now.
Sounds pathetic doesn’t it?
@sadforthekoalas they are older. One a teenager and one almost.
I understand and would probably agree but from the outside I don’t think it would appear that way.
They are good kids. Happy and well rounded people, it’s just that one of them has additional needs so is a challenge behaviourally.
I pushed for support before and got it but it wasn’t really the help that was needed. I really got along with the lady and we actually ended up becoming friends to an extent. But the support offered wasn’t anything new to us. She gave me a personal reference for my last job (the one I’m leaving). We’ve exchanged emails over time but she’s stopped replying now and that’s made me feel a bit sad but I realise she’s not obliged. Maybe she’s just busy but it’s been almost a week since I last sent her a message and she’s not replied where she usually would have replied by now.
We have a clean and tidy home, I cook home cooked food every day, they don’t go without anything, we have days out and holidays, they have friends over and above all else I give them lots of time and love. We chat, we play games, we cuddle up and watch films and I am the only one who can fully regulate and calm my one with the additional needs, I’ve worked hard on it. My eldest has just got into a pretty special school too so from the outside everything looks hunky dory.
It’s just the irritability and moodiness that’s crept in lately that I can’t shake which is making me not as good a parent as I know I can be. I feel sorry for them having to be around me when I’m feeling this way.
Other than that, all of my mental health struggle is inside my head if that makes sense?
I’ve got so good over the years at being fine and strong for the world around me but inside my head it paints a different picture. It’s like I’m sitting in a calm and serene park, the sun is out, it’s bright and beautiful and everyone around me is happy and calm, chatting quietly or laughing together or laying and watching the world go by, maybe reading a book in peace and I’m there, I look like one of them, I even have the laughing children who are having fun but inside my head there is devastation. There’s a fire, there’s people running screaming and scared, it’s all dark and looks nothing like the park on the outside. People are shouting and screaming and banging and begging to leave and be saved but my brain keeps it all prisoner while my mouth smiles at the others in the park.