I’ve given up.

[Hypnotisedmesmerised]

I’m broken.
Truly and utterly broken and there is not one single person I can talk to about it.
I don’t want to exist and I wish I was invisible.
I won’t kill myself because I have children who need me.
They’d probably be better off without me, I’m pretty sure of it infact yet they have no one else so they’re just stuck with me.
I’ve been off work for a while and I’ve decided that I just can’t face going back. I’m going to quit and I’m not going back again.
I’m sad, I’m overwhelmed, I’m angry and irritable, I’m a burden to life and I’m stuck.
I crossed the road today and a lady on a bike shouted at me “you didn’t even look” and I’ve never been one to say anything other than sorry but I immediately just shouted “shut up” at her. She didn’t hear me because she had earphones in but I shocked myself.
I feel a mixture of angry, sad and fed up.
I’ve always wanted to be kind to people and do the right thing and now I just feel like I couldn’t care less about anything.
I feel cynical towards others in a way I haven’t before. I’ve always been pretty scared of other people. Now the fear is gone but has been replaced with cynicism and anger.
I am really anxious about my health right now too, Im convinced I’m dying but I often hope my fears are correct because then I can die and it won’t be selfish, then I get scared that I will leave my children without anyone and I get scared.
I was at a train station this week with those super fast trains passing through, the ones that make your bones shake and all I could think of is how if I came back on my own one day and jumped when they made the announcement that a fast train would be passing and not stopping then nothing could stop me, I’d definitely die.
I wouldn’t though, I couldn’t leave my children mentally scarred by taking my life, not unless I knew they had someone who would love them and look after them properly.
I hate myself. I hate that I exist. I hate who I’ve always been. I’m shit and I’ve ruined everything I’ve ever touched.
I don’t know what I’m asking for. Maybe just someone who understands and can advise on how you make the most of being on this earth because you have to be and not because you want to be.
I’m 12 years old trapped inside an adults body. Sometimes even younger. I’m scared and sad and I need someone to just look after me and nurture me into a proper person but here I am. An adult with children of my own trying to get by day to day with everyone thinking I’m doing it, but I’m not.

Please ask for help @LHMBF.

@Hypnotisedmesmerised How are you ?

@LHMBF I've been wondering how you are too.

@LHMBF I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way too, I absolutely agree that you need to seek some help. It’s bloody hard I know but it has to be done for our children Huge hugs to you.

@SunshineCake I’m trying. I am having moments of feeling ok and then moments of feeling so low. I am pushing myself to do the things I don’t feel like doing and have even made plans to see friends this week. I just worry that I’m shit company so on goes the happy face and that’s part of the issue isn’t it. I am trying to do things to help myself like going for a walk but I’m struggling with sleep quite a bit. I contacted my last therapist and have a date to go back in and have a review which helps knowing that but I am really worried that the date will come around and I’ll freeze and not be able to speak about just how low I’ve been feeling. I did type part of it out in an email though so hopefully that will help. I used the peaceful park and the fire filled mine analogy to help describe it. I am going to be looking for some part time work doing something easy soon just as a means of an income and to keep me busy but I’m taking a while first just to get myself together. I can’t even cope with the idea of going into a work setting right now but I know I have to push myself into it. I’m also waiting on the doctor and going to ask about anti-depressants. I still wish I didn’t have to be here but not quite to the same level as I did. How are you?

If you are worried you will freeze at your appointment why not start a note book about how you are feeling and so they can read that and get a sense of where you are at? At the very least it will be a prompt for talking.

A few times I have cancelled seeing my friend as I couldn't face it but other times I have made myself go and mostly I have been happy I went.

Take it steady. Try not to over worry.

I'm currently shattered. I have a cough and a cold and just feel exhausted all the time. DH has a heart attach ten days ago so it has been a worrying and tiring time.

to you both Hypnotisedmesmerised and SunshineCake. I'm not doing too well at the moment, definitely at my lowest

I will listen if you want to talk, @LHMBF.

OP, I feel so sorry for you. It is a recognised "thing", wanting to die but not actually wanting to go through with it.
I once heard that if you feel terrible, one act which can make you feel better is to do an act of kindness for someone else. So, how about giving some things to charity, volunteering, sending a friend a kind message. It may seem simplistic but I did try it and it did help.
Like a PP said, there are positives in your life: you have kids (hard work but there are positives!), friends, you're working towards clearing debt, you cleaned the house (you probs think that's not much), you made pancakes for the children...
do you know about your chimp?! Your chimp is telling you all these bad things and needs to be told to stop.

@LHMBF I will also listen if you need or want to talk. It’s difficult to keep it all to yourself and makes it feel harder to deal with and the support on here is unbeatable, there are such kind people and you realise that you’re not so alone in your thoughts and experiences. I would never wish these feelings on anyone but it helps to have people who can relate.
How’s your day today? What have you done/are doing?

@SunshineCake that’s a good idea. It’s a week away yet so I will maybe start a daily diary of how I’m feeling to take along with me. I think I will also include my original post from this as I feel I get things out better in writing sometimes.
I already feel like I’d like to cancel seeing my friend tomorrow but I won’t. I need to push myself or I’ll end up stuck and that’s just not an option is it. More positive than how I was feeling last week.
Thank you. I have taken time out to relax this last week and it’s helped a bit.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling under the weather I hope you start to feel better soon. I’m really sorry to hear about your husbands heart attack, I hope he’s recovering well. Life’s a bastard sometimes isn’t it

@PolloDePrimavera there is no need to feel sorry for me but I appreciate the sentiment. It has to be something I pull myself out of. It’s not the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last it just gets overwhelming doesn’t it.
I don’t feel quite so low today, more anxiety feelings today.
I try to do things to help others as much as I possibly can. I’ve done some volunteering in a few different roles over the years alongside working and when I’ve been out of work for a while and it does make you feel like you’re doing something worthwhile. I also try to treat people with kindness and am always here for others but sometimes I think that’s part of my problem. I don’t save any for myself.
I know I have positives and am lucky. I am lucky to have my children and a clean and tidy home for us all to live in. We don’t struggle for food or warmth and we even have spare for doing nice things so I do realise. It makes me feel even worse sometimes like I’m just being incredibly ungreatful.
I think I just get swamped by life and my emotions and feelings, then my mind starts replaying the past and childhood and then when my DC’s behaviour (my one with additional needs) gets worse and I get verbally abused it just triggers me back into a really low place.
I think that talking about that will be huge this time around as I have never spoken about how that affects me. Everybody thinks I’m so strong as I just appear to let it wash over me and because I love him so much all I want is to support and help him and make him feel happy and loved and I fear people disliking him when he behaves that way so I put on a brave face and never discuss how much it hurts or how hard it can be.

Sorry @Hypnotisedmesmerised , I didn't mean to seem patronising. You seem to have a lot of qualities and a lot of self awareness. I really hope things get better for you. I want to put things like plan a holiday etc but it all sounds a bit trite!!

@PolloDePrimavera that’s not what I was thinking at all, sorry if I offended you. I just think I feel a bit embarrassed by the idea of pity although I’m aware that’s my own issue. I appreciate you commenting and sharing nice ideas
I’m sure they will do. I’ve now sorted an appointment with my therapist and some antidepressant and anxiety medication so I’m on my way. I appreciate so much having mumsnet to talk though, it’s helped to pull me through really hard feelings.

Oh no not at all! That's great you've made those appointments. Everything crossed they help you. You're being positive though, just coming on here, asking for help is taking steps to improve. Think we sometimes overlook the little things but they do count.

Thank you both of you. I wouldn't know where to start. I'm a waste of time, a horrible person and rubbish mum and partner. I have so many mental health issues which I think have been caused a bit by being bullied and emotionally abused since very young. I can still remember as clear as if it was yesterday many of the hurtful things that were said to me as young as 5 years old. I'm feeling drained today mentally and physically as my period started this morning, first one since my baby was born in December and it's so heavy and I'm getting clots, getting through tons of pads. Terrible shooting pains in legs, cramps in my side, nauseous, upset stomach, headache, hot and cold. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up but I have to struggle on day by day for my baby, even though she would be better off without me. She deserves a normal, if I dare use that word, mum, not this ugly fat useless unstable thing she has in me

@LHMBF are you the op after a name change?

@Hypnotisedmesmerised let me know how you get on with your friend. If you go and really find it too much then do leave. Your friend wouldn't want you to be struggling.

DH is feeling better and I feel he looks better. We've both lost weight too which won't hurt me. I'm exhausted though with a cold and my asthma is up and down. Plus my dog had me up before five so I'm shattered today again.

@LHMBF congratulations on your baby. You are none of those negative things you said. You are your baby's best friend, most interesting toy, the person she needs and loves most in the world. If you are near me I'm happy to meet up. I'm a mum and used to be a nanny so know one end of a baby from another. One other thought, with what you said I wonder if EMDR would help you.

You are not alone

Thank you both so much, I'm so sorry to derail your thread Hypnotisedmesmerised.
ATM I'm in agony, this period pain is getting worse and I've gone through pack of pads in an hour, 6 in 10 mins. I'm in so much pain

@PolloDePrimavera thank you, I am trying. And no not me, I’m the op and @LHMBF is another poster.

@LHMBF you are not those things, it’s your mind lying to you. I can relate to you so much with what you say about remembering as if it was yesterday, it’s so bloody hard to explain to anyone isn’t it but I understand. I don’t expect that the physical side of things are helping right now and maybe once all that dies down you will start to feel a bit better but please please try and ask for some help. I have found this week that it’s not as bad as I had imagined it to be and people are kind. Your baby would never be better off without you, she needs you so so much and I hope that in time you start to see that.

@SunshineCake thank you. I will have to see her later than planned as I now have a last minute meeting I have set up for my youngest DC tomorrow morning. This in itself is it helping but I have to try and stay strong and positive about things. She’s not a friend I would discuss my mental health with and she has allot of her own struggles so I’m a bit of a listening ear for her when I see her. I’m so glad your husband is doing better, it must have been a huge fright. I hope you manage to get a good nights sleep in tonight. I have been listening to calming noises and sleep talk when I’ve been struggling. Getting woken up by pets is a pain but I couldn’t be without mine. They’ve also really helped this last few weeks, I’m sure they have a beautiful 6th sense for knowing when things aren’t right with us.

@Pentium85 thank you

@LHMBF please ring the doctor. That sounds too much blood loss.

@LHMBF you haven’t de-railed at all but I second the calling the doctors, that sounds too much. I’d call the out of hours or go to a&e. I hope it stops very soon if not already.

How is everyone today ?

I have been given tranexamic acid but since taking it I have had vomiting, awful stomach cramps and terrible watery diarrhoea all day :(

Hello @Sunshinecake
If I’m being honest today has been pretty awful on the whole. I ended up crying at the meeting and feeling ridiculous.
I went to see my friend and we chatted for quite a while, about the kids mostly, it was nice catching up with her but I hit a point where I just felt drained and almost immediately just wanted to be at home In bed in the warm and the dark. I then went to collect my youngest from school too early forgetting he had a club so walked home and spent some time playing chess with my eldest which was nice.
We’re back home now (after the club this time) and I’m going to cook tea in a minute but I really can’t wait to go to bed.
I’ve started on 20mg of escitalopram today and I feel like I’m on drugs! It’s a strange feeling but I expect my body needs time to adjust to it.
How are you feeling today? Is the cough and cold feeling any better? And how is your husband getting on? I hope you didn’t get woken up so early by the dog again today!

@LHMBF how are you doing today? How’s the bleeding and the pain?

I hope you're all doing better today. I am very poorly in bed. Bleeding was so bad that I was soaking through pads in minutes and I ended up in hospital on a drip as was dehydrated. They gave me some tranexamic acid tablets but since taking them I am getting diarrhoea and stomach pain and have been sick as well.
to all

@LHMBF I'm thinking a nice bowl of macaroni cheese might comfort and hopefully sort out your medical stuff.

@Hypnotisedmesmerised look at what you achieved. You saw your friend, you had one to one with your son. You felt crap but you still gave your son and your friend your time. It will take time to get used to the meds so don't fret but also be kind to yourself and don't book in too much.

I'm feeling less tired but have been nonstop all day so no time to let tiredness come over me. Still got a cold, sore head at times and sometimes feel warm but while I woke up a couple of times in the night doggy slept though. DH feeling better. Need to watch him though as he's doing some work and I wish he'd take it easier.

@LHMBF sorry to hear that it got so bad but I’m glad you’re on the mend with regards to the bleeding I hope the side effects disappear for you soon too

@SunshineCake thank you. I can’t wait to go to bed now.
I hope your cold starts to ease off soon Does your dog sleep in with you? I have my cats in with me and I love it! I’m glad your DH is feeling better. It’s difficult isn’t it when you’re worried for someone else but it sounds like he’s well and truly on the mend.