I’m broken.
Truly and utterly broken and there is not one single person I can talk to about it.
I don’t want to exist and I wish I was invisible.
I won’t kill myself because I have children who need me.
They’d probably be better off without me, I’m pretty sure of it infact yet they have no one else so they’re just stuck with me.
I’ve been off work for a while and I’ve decided that I just can’t face going back. I’m going to quit and I’m not going back again.
I’m sad, I’m overwhelmed, I’m angry and irritable, I’m a burden to life and I’m stuck.
I crossed the road today and a lady on a bike shouted at me “you didn’t even look” and I’ve never been one to say anything other than sorry but I immediately just shouted “shut up” at her. She didn’t hear me because she had earphones in but I shocked myself.
I feel a mixture of angry, sad and fed up.
I’ve always wanted to be kind to people and do the right thing and now I just feel like I couldn’t care less about anything.
I feel cynical towards others in a way I haven’t before. I’ve always been pretty scared of other people. Now the fear is gone but has been replaced with cynicism and anger.
I am really anxious about my health right now too, Im convinced I’m dying but I often hope my fears are correct because then I can die and it won’t be selfish, then I get scared that I will leave my children without anyone and I get scared.
I was at a train station this week with those super fast trains passing through, the ones that make your bones shake and all I could think of is how if I came back on my own one day and jumped when they made the announcement that a fast train would be passing and not stopping then nothing could stop me, I’d definitely die.
I wouldn’t though, I couldn’t leave my children mentally scarred by taking my life, not unless I knew they had someone who would love them and look after them properly.
I hate myself. I hate that I exist. I hate who I’ve always been. I’m shit and I’ve ruined everything I’ve ever touched.
I don’t know what I’m asking for. Maybe just someone who understands and can advise on how you make the most of being on this earth because you have to be and not because you want to be.
I’m 12 years old trapped inside an adults body. Sometimes even younger. I’m scared and sad and I need someone to just look after me and nurture me into a proper person but here I am. An adult with children of my own trying to get by day to day with everyone thinking I’m doing it, but I’m not.