I’ve given up.

[Hypnotisedmesmerised]

I’m broken.
Truly and utterly broken and there is not one single person I can talk to about it.
I don’t want to exist and I wish I was invisible.
I won’t kill myself because I have children who need me.
They’d probably be better off without me, I’m pretty sure of it infact yet they have no one else so they’re just stuck with me.
I’ve been off work for a while and I’ve decided that I just can’t face going back. I’m going to quit and I’m not going back again.
I’m sad, I’m overwhelmed, I’m angry and irritable, I’m a burden to life and I’m stuck.
I crossed the road today and a lady on a bike shouted at me “you didn’t even look” and I’ve never been one to say anything other than sorry but I immediately just shouted “shut up” at her. She didn’t hear me because she had earphones in but I shocked myself.
I feel a mixture of angry, sad and fed up.
I’ve always wanted to be kind to people and do the right thing and now I just feel like I couldn’t care less about anything.
I feel cynical towards others in a way I haven’t before. I’ve always been pretty scared of other people. Now the fear is gone but has been replaced with cynicism and anger.
I am really anxious about my health right now too, Im convinced I’m dying but I often hope my fears are correct because then I can die and it won’t be selfish, then I get scared that I will leave my children without anyone and I get scared.
I was at a train station this week with those super fast trains passing through, the ones that make your bones shake and all I could think of is how if I came back on my own one day and jumped when they made the announcement that a fast train would be passing and not stopping then nothing could stop me, I’d definitely die.
I wouldn’t though, I couldn’t leave my children mentally scarred by taking my life, not unless I knew they had someone who would love them and look after them properly.
I hate myself. I hate that I exist. I hate who I’ve always been. I’m shit and I’ve ruined everything I’ve ever touched.
I don’t know what I’m asking for. Maybe just someone who understands and can advise on how you make the most of being on this earth because you have to be and not because you want to be.
I’m 12 years old trapped inside an adults body. Sometimes even younger. I’m scared and sad and I need someone to just look after me and nurture me into a proper person but here I am. An adult with children of my own trying to get by day to day with everyone thinking I’m doing it, but I’m not.

What I ended up getting help for..

I am not giving platitudes. I know it isn't just keep trying, have faith etc as some days just breathing is annoying and it is so hard but please try. You deserve it.

@SunshineCake I wish that too, so much. I really wish I had a magic wand that just made me better. Just made me a proper person. I don’t know how else to explain that other then I feel like a part person, a semi person. Never as much of a person as the rest of the world. Like I’m just not as worthy of anything as others are. A waste of space and a burden to the world. Not even a burden though when I really think about it because I make sure I’m not (I fear I would be if I relied on anyone) but just a drain on the worlds resources.
I feel so happy for you that you’ve ended up getting the help you needed. I can’t imagine how joyous that must feel. I really hope for you that if you have ever felt this way that with this help you don’t have to ever again.
I also hope that your physical health issue is better now!
What kind of therapy are you getting now if you don’t mind me asking?
I appreciate your time and replies and I know it’s not just platitudes I understand. I’m very good at giving advice that actually helps people sometimes too, but when it comes to myself I just don’t know how.
I can’t believe I have already had so much help and my mind is still in this place. I suppose 35 hours cannot undo day in day out damage that went on for many many years. I’m so fucking angry that I wasn’t given a fair start but even more angry that my brain is stuck there and has developed in a way that I feel like a part of me is always stuck there.

I saw a few people years ago but tbh it was rubbish. Wrong people, wrong type of therapy. I also had no faith in any of the therapists and one even told me I was annoying. I was put on her waiting list and she rang a year later to offer an appointment. I declined.

In the last two years I have had EMDR, DBT and now see someone else though I'm not sure what the therapy is called tbh. We chat about anything I want to and she has a way of helping that I can't really explain. I come out now having a clue what we have talked about but then I process things until the next appointment and it just works. If you want to PM me where you live I can give details if you think it would help.

The EMDR and DBT were on the NHS and my GP sorted it.

While the therapies have helped I'm not 100% okay. I'm contending with menopause and relationship difficulties plus getting used to my DC1 being away at university but I am better than I was. Some days I wish I wasn't here. I wouldn't take my life as I have children but I have had times where I've felt resentful that I had to live because of them.

It is irrelevant if you've had hours and hours of therapy if it was the wrong person, you didn't trust them, the wrong kind of therapy etc. One of my best therapists was twenty years or more younger than me I would guess and after one session I felt so much better. It is about getting someone you trust, someone you believe knows their stuff and understand you, being ready to try, having faith it will help and being brave and kind to yourself.

Being stuck tells me EMDR would help if you have had a trauma.

Hi, OP. First off, big unMumsnetty hugs from me! ##

I can't cut&paste, but I wanted to run through your list of things you think are wrong about you. ##

But start off with the analogy of the broken leg - have you heard it? If you had one, and were in a cast and needed help, or extra time to do simple tasks, or more therapy or medication or friends to have your back or time off work to heal, you wouldn't feel the guilt at all. ##

Ok, the list: ##

Abusive childhood, self loathing, rock bottom self-esteem, unwillingness to rely on others - all connected and not one damned bit of it is your fault ! You've been formatted from an early age to think badly of yourself, and - I hope you'll believe me (some day, if not today) - the fact that you've done so many awesome things DESPITE the way you feel about yourself, just leaves my gast flabberred - You Are AMAZING! Just imagine how much easier this is going to be when you're out the other end (and you will be, trust me) ##

Oh, and here's another thing you were formatted to do from an early age - perpetuate the abuse with your own children. But you didnt. Think on that for a moment. By the sounds of things, your kids have a stable, loving home and you're doing a great job. You'd rather self-loathe than pass the abuse on, and that's not ideal if course, but you protecting your children like that requires a strength you have no idea you have. But we can all see it. ##

I have no strong advice for the wish to have somebody else just take care of you, apart from this - yeah, we all do. If you had that broken leg, it'd be nice to not have to get up and hobble around, of course. It doesn't make you any less of a valid person to want that, but as you get better (and I know you will), it'll decrease until you just get to the point where it'd be nice, yes, to have somebody there for you, but you won't need it, because you'll know that you're there for you. ##

You're resisting getting official help because you're concerned with social services taking your kids away. Ok, I can't speak for everywhere in the country, of course, but from what you describe, this shouldn't happen. You need support, and even as you are now, you're doing better than 7 of 10 of people. My belief is that if you proactively engage with them, they'd give you that support, a medal and a freaking parade! But if you want to be cautious, start with your GP and maybe even your local DV contacts. True (from what you describe) you haven't been abused by your current/recent partner, but there's been more than enough in your past that you need help untangling this specific issue, and from people who know what they're talking about. Look at the Stately Homes fred in relationships, for links to reading. ##

It's going to take a while, and a fair bit of work, but you can do this! And every accomplishment, no matter how small, will help you build up from there. ##

Finally (for now), if I were in your shoes, I'd level with your work place, maybe arrange an extended leave of absence - they sound nice and seem to value you, and business is a lot more clued in on mental health issues than you think. Don't just quit - let them have the chance to retain a valuable employee. ##.

Best of luck! Keep posting. And if I end up not having paragraphs, apologies.

Damn, I knew it. No paragraphs, but that's why I did the ##s.

Oh, and not

I keep meaning to do smiles! Not gin bottles!!!

Oh OP I’m sorry to read your posts. I feel exactly the same as you at the moment and it’s horrible isn’t it? I was sexually abused when I was a child by my father and I’m really struggling too. Everyone thinks I’m fine on the outside as I’ve got so good at hiding it - nobody would have a clue how I really feel. I’m great at my job and get good reviews too. I think I use work as a distraction and to avoid feeling anything. However I’ve recently started therapy and due to start EMDR in a couple of weeks to try and start to process the trauma.

I also told my boss a little about how I’m feeling and she was really understanding and we’ve reduced my workload (I had to take time off too as I had a bit of what used to be called a breakdown). Could you talk to your boss to say you’re suffering from depression and need to change your working patterns? I found being at home not working made me feel worse but working long hours made me feel like I was too tired to ever get better. I’m trying to find the balance of working enough but not too much that I’m too tired to try and process what I’ve been hiding from myself for years.

I went to the dr and they were very caring. I told them I had suicidal thoughts but no plans to act on them. They asked how I was caring for my children and I told them they were fine. They believed me and have been very kind and supportive. pls go and talk to the dr and try to get therapy if you can. You deserve it and sound like an amazing women who has succeeded in being a great mother, friend and colleague and that’s despite the trauma you’ve experienced. I think we’re stronger than we think but just need to be reminded of it sometimes.

Sending you lots of unmumsnety hugs

Hi OP,

We know you've had lots of great support and advice on this thread, and we don't mean to interrupt, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as others will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Wishing you all the best OP, at what sounds like a particularly tough time.

I too recommend trying EMDR & trauma counselling - your feelings could stem from unresolved trauma due to the abuse in your childhood. It seems to have helped me. I had the same feelings about being broken etc, wanting to be looked after & wanting to die. I hoped for a fatal accident to happen to me or to develop a terminal illness as a more valid way for me to die & leave my kids.

It was more through luck than design that I ended up having EMDR so I don't think I ever would've thought of it myself. Somehow I no longer am consumed by all the negative stuff & wish it could have happened so much earlier. I had decades of feeling rubbish, now in my 40s. It might help you, it's worth a try at least.

@SunshineCake I’m sorry you didn’t have a positive experience with the therapists you saw a while back, that’s awful that one called you annoying, I’m glad you declined.
It sounds like you have found what is right for you, EMDR sounds interesting and I see it’s been mentioned a few times. I’ve looked online and it looks very good although I have 2 big feelings around it.

1. I’m not sure that I could afford it and if it was offered on the NHS would I even deserve it? Probably not. I’ve wasted allot of their resources already which although helped me grow and feel better momentarily or in certain ways I’m still stuck and I feel like I’ve wasted their time and resources.
2. I’m concerned that what would be my “trauma” might not be trauma to other people and they might think that I’m wasting their time. I was verbally abused the most. Very extremely which is what has affected me the most, I was also physically abused but not all the time and not as bad as the stories you hear on the news etc which makes me wonder if I’m being stupid. Also sexually abused by different people and some people who absolutely shouldn’t have been speaking that way to anyone let alone a child just said and insinuated allot of sexual conversation towards me but didn’t actually do anything as far as I’m aware. Allot of the time though I let it happen because it was easier or I don’t know, I just felt like that’s what I should do. Most of the time I feel like it was probably all my fault for being such a shitty, broken, dirty, pathetic waste of space of a person. Like I was just born that way so why should I have the nerve to expect anything other.

On the other hand I would be devastated beyond comprehension if anyone treated my children anything like the way I was. I hate confrontation and argument, I hate it so much and get so scared I loose control of my bladder and I feel the fear shoot through my veins In a way I can’t explain but if anyone hurt my children emotionally or physically I would kill for them so that with human logic tells me that it wasn’t my fault. I just can’t seem to grasp it. It’s like I know but I can’t accept it. I will PM you with my area, thank you very much. I can relate to that. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I even feel happy but it never lasts and it ALWAYS comes back almost laughing at me. I really hope that through all of your life’s hurdles you manage to stay feeling more positive rather than how you used to feel, you sound very strong and wonderful. I wish I could go back to my first therapist and be more open and honest. I vowed not to cry with her and my god I could cry now, I could cry forever. She tried to do some work with me where I would close my eyes and visualise and go back in time to be being a child and go in as an adult me and I just couldn’t. I wish I could work with her again but I fear I started to feel too connected with her and it scared me. Not in a romantic way or anything but almost like I wanted her to look after me, I felt like a child but with a kind person and it scared me. Oh god I’m off again! I don’t know why I get so emotional, it’s extreme and I wish I could make it stop. @ErrmWTAF thank you, that’s made me feel very emotional and I feel like I cannot accept your kind words because I honestly believe that inside of me if I was medically examined I’d be just wrong, broken and dirty if that makes any sense. I know it must make me sound like I’ve lost my mind but the feeling is so there it’s like it’s not a feeling it’s just reality but yet people around me say nice things about me and seem to like me and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to be anywhere close to a person like me. In my last lot of therapy I genuinely started to believe I was worth something. Not all the time and not hugely but there was something there and it’s like I’m being laughed at and punished now because just months later that’s been snatched away and an extra large dose of self hatred has been thrown at me for daring to feel good. Then I worry I have a condition like bipolar disorder because of the high from then to the low now and I don’t know how to convince anyone that I’m not right. Because my mouth won’t let the words come out, it just forces a smile and says that everything is good. In fact just today I had a doctors appointment for my physical health and as we spoke (very briefly) about the generalised anxiety it just came out before I could stop it that everything was fine now and that I’m in a much better place which just couldn’t be further from the truth. That’s it though. I fear that my children would be taken as they’d deem me as unstable. That if I was to mention irritability and that I’ve even sworn, that would be it. I was so scared My DC with additional needs was just because I’m a shit person and I must have caused it somehow that the lady who diagnosed had to convince me it was a true neurological condition and that she could see that I was a loving mum. I don’t even know how that could be logical as I know I do my best for them and I know I love them with all I am but I fear that just by me being their mum they have such an unlucky start in life. Thank you, I will take a look. I allowed things I wasn’t happy with in my last relationship and there were moments where I was physically hurt, just not seriously. I lost allot of money and was probably silly financially and emotionally I was very confused but I think that was probably just down to who I am I don’t know. I got to a very low point during that relationship where I had my most serious and thought out plan to end my life. I think it was the only time since becoming a parent I had seriously planned to. I had some sort of breakdown at one point and remember crying and rocking and struggling to breathe and begging my ex partner to stop being so cold and emotionless with me but I’m no where near in that state now which can only be good. I feel lost, sad, angry, confused, helpless, burdensome to the world and sometimes just shire despair but I also feel moments of happiness and it’s not the hysterical feeling I had before. I think that was the worst I’d been in my adult life. I had a week off last week and am due back this week but I am going to speak with my manager. I just cannot cope with work at the moment. I need to figure myself out and work out what to do. I don’t think I’m valuable but they tell me I am. On the logical chance that it’s my mind playing tricks on me I don’t want to blow my chances in a job I’ve always dreamed of doing. Don’t worry about the paragraphs, I think we’re all in the same boat there! (I’m not at all technology savvy, my eldest DC helps me there instead of the other way around!) Smiles are good, but so is gin! I just don’t drink often, or much when I do! I will continue writing in another post as I want to address everyone who has been kind enough to spend any time reading and replying to me but this one has become very long!

@Confusionball I’m sorry you feel the same, truly sorry, it is awful and I’m so sorry that you’ve been through that. I truly hope the therapy helps you to process things and helps you to feel better. I completely understand the fine on the outside, even happy and doing well while inside you are beyond falling apart. I think on the inside I’ve fallen apart and priced myself back together that many times I’m metaphorically full of masking tape, super glue and stitching. The older I’ve gotten the stitching is actually ok and where the superglue is you can barely see the breaks but I’ve been fixing myself in private for so long that some of the stitching is awful, it’s the kind they teach kids in junior school as a felt project and that’s the time that the masking tape comes from too. I was too young to be fixing myself so I used the wrong stuff but nobody kind ever realised I needed any help and if anyone ever came close to helping they ended up giving up on me because I pushed them away.
Your boss sounds fantastic, it sounds like you’ve been really lucky there. I’m so glad you were able to talk and you’ve received the help you’ve needed. It’s really essential to find a balance or you will burnout.
I just don’t feel like I can truly open up, not even because I don’t want to because I really wish I could but it’s like the words are frozen just on the other side of what my mouth is saying.
Thank you for your kind words but truly, I am not even close to amazing. I just wish I could be average. I don’t want to be anything amazing or special or great at all, just as good as everyone else. Not even good but just worthy. I just want to deserve to be on this earth as much as others do.
@RivkaMumsnet
thankyou. I understand the need for the message but the support on here is unbeatable and is so much more helpful to me personally (I only speak for myself) than I would find the Samaritans.
My only concern is triggering anyone else’s mental health in a negative way and if I do that in anyway please let me know and I won’t post. It’s just a bit of a lifeline I suppose and I’m very grateful for it.
@idlevice I think I will look into it. I am amazed and so happy for you that although I relate hugely to everything you have said in your first paragraph, you now feel so much better, it’s amazing. I’m so sorry for what you went through but so happy for you that you now feel differently.

My EMDR was on the NHS. IIRC I had 20 sessions and then there was the option to have a further session or two three months later but it was deemed I didn't need it.

You do deserve it. Please stop putting yourself down.

I have a book about EMDR which I was using to help process things at home but haven't looked at it for quite a few months.

You've wasted nothing. Look at my history. Wasn't my fault the people didn't really help. They weren't the right type of help at the right time. There isn't a limit on how much help you deserve. It is like shoes. Doesn't matter if there is only two choices in the shop if one is exactly what you want.

It doesn't matter what the therapist thinks. They don't have the right to decide if your trauma was traumatic enough or not. They are there to help and support you, not judge you.

You did not allow any of that bad shit to happen. Our bodies are designed to protect us and subconsciously you would have known that freeze was the safest option. There is fight, flight and freeze. Our bodies aren't stupid.

I've beaten myself up so many times for why I didn't punch the man who was assaulting me as a child but subconsciously I must have 'own I'd end up a lot more hurt if I had.

Up to the point where you talk about what I have just referenced is where I have to stop reading. My dh has been in hospital for three nights and I am absolutely shattered. I want to give the rest of your post the attention it deserves. I'll be back tomorrow.

Why not contact your first therapist again? They might not be able to see you again but what if they could take you on as a client?

I crave a mum and definitely look to others to fill that role. My MIL said she'd be my friend or my mum, whatever I wanted, but it hasn't panned out quite as I would have liked.

Be kind to yourself. You've got this. You are a brilliant mum to your kids despite never having a good one yourself. Snap. You've got this.

Thank you.
I can’t contact my therapist, the one I’d love to talk to. Ending up doing a bit of poking around online today and I found her and discovered she knows someone I know and that makes me feel very uncomfortable.
I’m so illogical right now though as when I went to collect my youngest DC from school today after having been on a trip the coach back was delayed and I desperately wanted to tell a teacher how I was feeling and ask them if they could please please take my children and look after them so I could just die. My eldest has been through the same school so they know them both.
I’ve also contemplated making voice recordings for them for when they’re adults, just incase.
I’ve had a pretty bad day emotionally. Physically I’ve done nothing other than clean the house, get dressed and made my children pancakes. I also got some food and collected my youngest from school and made more pancakes so actually physically it’s been a slow but productive day I suppose and they have been really happy with the two offerings of pancakes.
Emotionally I have barely stopped crying whilst in the house and then had to recuperate before leaving the house as my eyes were so puffy.
My anxiety is through the roof, I’ve not felt it like this physically for quite some time. My heart keeps stooping and quickening and the awful dread feeling is taking over me so regularly. My throat is tight and my chest aches. I am panicking about allot and want to do nothing yet am finding it hard to rest and stay still.
I ended up calling the Samaritans today. I didn’t think it would help but I was desperate to actually say out loud how I’m feeling and it was actually a relief to talk.
It’s made me realise more though that although I won’t because I can’t I really do want to die.
Sorry to post such a lump of what I expect sounds like self pitying and moaning. I’m just trying to keep my head above water and talking to people I don’t know is all I have right now.

In your head its obviously been a really tough day. However, you still managed to get your kids to school. Give them pancakes and tidy your house thats amazing considering how you have been feeling. Did the Samaritans have any suggestions for you of how you could access some help. The therapist you mention if a professional can tell anything to your mutual freind and whats the worst that could happen if people find out. You could get the help you need.

Can't !!!!!

Oh, hon. I grieve with you, and at you. If only I could just blip into you how we feel about you and how amazing you are. But we can't. You have to come to that from within. ##

Reading your update (I'd only been thinking about your childhood back there), it's clear you have also been abused in your previous relationship. After a childhood of being formatted to devalue yourself, you were a target for an abuser, who continued your "education". It's going to take a lot of work to unwrap yourself from that, but you can do it! ##

I also am in awe of your capabilities! Even on a bad day, you manage to do what "normal" people can't bother with. I've suffered from depression most of my life, for very similar reasons, and I can assure you, you can carve out a new you that doesn't hate herself.

They asked if I would consider going to the gp. Other than that we just spoke. They told me that I can call anytime day or night that I want. It felt good to get it all out of my mouth. I think I’m done though. I don’t know that I can regain myself this time. I’ve always been stronger than this and pulled myself back together when my mind has got to this place, I’ve wanted to get out of this place so many times but now I just don’t care. I will be functional for my children and I am. But without them I am a mess. I am sat here crying again this morning now they are at school. I’ve cried so much I’ve now got a twitch under my eye that won’t go away. I get it sometimes when anxious but it won’t go now. I just wish so much I didn’t have to live. My mind has been thinking about assorts. Finding out what would happen to my children if something happened to me and who would be the best person to find out from in a way that it sounds like I meant if I was to die from an illness and without making it sound weird and weighing up the pros and cons etc. Thinking about contacting someone who would be fantastic at explaining to them why and a comfort to them but then they are a relative of an ex so that would be a bit inappropriate I just know they’d be a huge comfort and great emotional support, that’s asking far too much of someone at all but even more so where there is no longer a link there though. I don’t even know how it’s got this bad. It’s like I’ve sabotaged myself. Things were going really good for the first time in ages with the way I was personally doing, not just being a mum, and it scared me I suppose and now I’m feeling worse than I have in a long time. I’m scared that my mental health right now is so poor that if I opened up about it they’d section me or something. I couldn’t cope with that. How am I even pretending to people that I’m fine right now? I just want to disappear.

Hello @ErrmWTAF sorry I didn’t reply to you, I must have been typing a message as yours had came up and I didn’t see.
I appreciate your kind words really I do but I don’t feel as though I deserve them at all.
I don’t think I was abused, I honestly think I’m probably just too sensitive and take things too seriously. The things that upset me physically I was told was just a joke and that I was taking it too seriously. I believe that’s maybe the case. Maybe the reason my ex emotionally shut me off is because I’m so difficult. I didn’t think I was, I do everything I can for a person and I really did, I’ve worked out that I’m pretty co-dependant, but I’m still me. Maybe because of my past I’m always on the lookout for bad things and maybe that’s what I’ve done and viewed the jokes as actual bad things. My ex was a bit of a charmer and has a lot of friends etc, maybe it really was just me. I tried to be strong in that relationship and ask for a bit of time to myself every now and then etc but maybe that’s what started it all off, because I just wasn’t as committed as I should have been.
Either way it’s done and dusted and it’s really truly a relief. I loved my ex very much but we were never right for each other.
I’m trying so hard. I am trying to keep up the things my children need and I’m trying to force myself to cook and eat as with a previous habit of disordered eating I know how easy it will be to slip back especially as I don’t feel hungry at all but I know that my mental state gets worse when I don’t eat and I can’t risk falling any lower for my DC sake.

I’ve called the service I had my CBT and counselling with and they have said that they will ask my last counsellor if I can be called although they’re not sure if that’s something they can do. I might have to re-refer. I’d really hoped my therapist 2 people back could call but I felt rude to ask like I’m being really weird or strange, it’s been over a year since I saw her last. I just know I’ll be able to talk to her more and I have so much to say. I want to get better.

I’m really nervous and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it all out but I know I need to. Sorry if I’m just rambling on, this is like my diary log.

I didn't see your message on Tuesday. I'm so sorry I wasn't there but I see you've had some other lovely people who can help. I saw my therapist today and picked up her card. Don't forget to PM me where you are in case she is near enough for you to see.

You said on Tuesday "all you'd done" but I was tired reading it. You did loads! I am assuming your children are little and when they are small all you really need to do is feed them, make sure they are safe and warm and cuddle them. You are doing great.

I felt such fear and sadness that you had typed that you were done. I felt a real panic that you were planning to leave so I was very happy and proud of you to see you had sought help.

I strongly assume you isn't want to end things but are struggling, hurting, suffering with low mental help and anxiety. If you were feeling okay there is no way you would want to leave your children.

I have been where you are. I have wished I could die but I have also been able to rationalise at times that I don't really, I just want the pain to stop.

I was out on to Angus Castus which is available from Holland & Barrett and Boots and would suggest you look into starting on them. They have really helped me.

It is not self pity or moaning. You are poorly. You are hurting. You need help and support and we are here for you as long as you want but you do need professional real life help too.

Your children will never recover if you end your life. You are all they want and need and one day you will feel so much better and when you are watching your child marry, graduate, give birth you will be so proud you got through this and had enough faith in yourself to keep trying. Don't give up hope.

Please don’t feel the need to apologise, you and the other people that have commented on here have helped me allot. Really. It’s so good to just get it out. I don’t know where else to. I have to be ok, I have to be strong, that’s who I am, I’m always fine.
I am in Hampshire.
They’re not really little. Well they are but not little little. Ones into their teens and my other is almost secondary age so I really do have to hold it together. Cuddles would be amazing but my eldest is past the age of wanting lots of cuddles, just when he wants/needs them now. My youngest is more cuddly.
This evening I did a pre prepared curry for tea that I bought from the fridge and just had to put into the oven with naan bread but they enjoyed it. We also played some uno and chess.
That and a load of washing is pretty much all I have done today.
I’m worried about the help. I’m worried that if I know there is help there for my DC it will make it easier to leave. I think sometimes I hold back on reaching out for that reason. They deserve more than me really they do.
I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get the words out if I do get a call back. Once I’ve said it I can’t take it back. If I tell anybody that I am battling with myself right now just to be here, to not make a real plan. That I’ve had to use a suicide prevention app just to help me find reasons it’s better to stay alive. There are questions I feel like I need to ask the teachers in my youngests next review meeting for his additional needs and progress about what would happen to him if something happened to me, could he stay close to the teachers for support etc? But then that’s bound to ring alarm bells and that’s the last thing I want.
I just truly don’t see any point in life other than my children, and my pets but they don’t need me quite the same way, they’d be ok with anyone who loved animals.
That is the reason I am trying to help myself, nothing else. If I didn’t have them I’d leave this world tonight, I’d have left this world a long time ago in fact. I always said that having my eldest DC changed my whole life. Becoming a mum changed who I am so much for the better, it’s like looking at someone else looking back to who I was before hand but even after all that I’m pretty sure I’m just fucked mental health wise and no matter how hard I have tried that’s just how it is.
That’s the thing. I don’t want to leave my children but other than them I wish so hard I could leave this world. My heart physically hurts. Before now I have just wanted the pain to stop but now I’d truly love to die. Other than not wanting to do that to my children the only other thing that would stop me would be that I am scared about how much it would hurt and what the hell would happen if I tried and it didn’t work.
My dad once told me that my mum tried to kill herself multiple times because she didn’t want me. He also told me that she didn’t love me. He was also an abusive piece of shit, excuse my language. But maybe it’s just in my genes to be mentally fucked. Yes I can choose to treat other people well. I couldn’t imagine being the person he was and most probably still is and treating anyone that way let alone my own children but maybe between my parents I have inherited a seriously mentally unstable gene.
I appreciate that, thank you but I know I’m moaning and self pitying, I shouldn’t be posting things like this for other people to have to read but I just need to get it out somewhere, I’m sorry. On the outside I even manage to laugh and joke with people through the way I feel. Mostly through text, it’s easier that way but even face to face at times. I’m slowly loosing the ability to though.
I know they won’t, I know you’re right and I can’t even tell you how painful it is knowing I have to stay here because I know I can’t do that to them, I’m just scared that I won’t always be able to be that strong. What about if I reach out, get the help and then I see there are other people there for them, what if they grow up a bit more and I have no purpose anymore. I’m scared I won’t always be able to be even this strong.

Sadly I think Hampshire is too far.

The kids just need you. You are their world and all they need is you.

Asking for help does not mean they will take your children away. They won't do that unless they think the children are being harmed or likely to be. They definitely will be harmed if you end your life.

What your dad said was horrific and there is no excuse for it.

Your genes are not fucked. You were dealt a shit hand but you can change things and you must.

I know the feeling of feeling like you are only living for your children but what better reason could there be. Live for them and eventually you will realise you are living for yourself too.

Please stop saying you are moaning and self pitying. Everyone koans. Everyone feels self pity but sometimes it is justified and I am not feeling moaning and self pitying at me. You are reaching out as you want help, you want to get better, you want to live.

One day at a time. That's all you need to do for now.

I could have written your first post. That's exactly how I feel.