Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

Hi everyone
Welcome freckles. We were told to not try and stop self harm but to try and help substitute with a safer alternative. Dd went through a phase of scratching herself red raw so they suggested elastic bands on her wrists to inflict pain, or her holding ice cubes against her arms. She didn't end up doing this as the sertraline helped but the key message was to try not to stop any release they have found as that can be more dangerous.
Definitely remove any sharps or other things he could access.

We haven't heard about EHCNA but they went to panel last week. The 6 weeks is actually tomorrow so I will try and follow up.

Dd is doing a little better. Last week she was in school for part of every day. She is with her 121 and doing all lessons but it us a huge step for us.

@Stilllivinginazoo thank you for your kind words. I think that my feelings have been triggered by him feeling unwell. I have developed debilitating anxiety and panic, I'm so ashamed that at a time when he needs me I'm almost paralysed.

I'm absolutely dreading half term. I feel like I want to hide away. The thought of trying to chivvy him into getting some fresh air, or do something distracting is causing me illogical fear and anxiety. I'm constantly on high alert wondering how he is feeling, and stressing about absolutely everything. I actually feel like I'm drowning and I'm so guilty as he needs me.

I have stared taking some antidepressants (on day 10), but I'm in that phase of feeling worse before I feel better. I have also managed to organise speaking with a counsellor myself tomorrow, but again I know there's no quick fix.

Sorry- this post is about me, when DS is my priority. I'm just so conscious that my reaction to all this is making his issues worse.

@1skipforward2back sorry that you had a bad night, wishing you a better day today.

skip how's D's today
Freckles please don't be ashamed of yourself.you are doing the best you have right now.we are parenting in times never been experienced and it's all very unstable feeling as our normal routines are totally out the window- the predictability of school etc aren't there and it's not easy trying to forge new routines with teens who are trying to find there place in the world and won't be told, or listen,to why we think X,y,z is a good idea.
You have made the step forward of taking meds, recognising you cannot go on like that.be proud of the choice YOU made.this is a support thread for our children,but for US TOO.we are here for you,please don't feel you can't reach out to us.you are not alone
It's awful watching any child suffer,when it's your child it physically hurts us sometimes,esp as they get older and mints cuddles are no longer a salve for all problems.please remember they just need reminding sometimes we love them,no matter what,and it may seem as though they snap at you or are indifferent for those words.but they do hear it and deep down it matters

Bloody autocorrect!
Mum's cuddles

Hi all, hoping for some advice! My DD aged 7 seems to be struggling with separation anxiety after my mum died really unexpectedly in June last year. It was somewhat of a delayed reaction as she has only recently become tearful and anxious when leaving me. To be honest I am finding it overwhelming and I am losing patience with her. She has always been an outgoing confident girl and now we have tears most days. I read up thread that reassurance isn't the right way to go about things so I'm unsure what else to do. DD is 7.
So far we have : a worry monster she tells her worries to
A watch so she knows what time I'll be back from work
The invisible string book
A heart drawn on each of us when we are separated.

To be honest I'm bloody fed up of it all & just want to drop her off without having to constantly talk about when I'll be back. I feel suffocated and totally lost. School have started working with her using a worry book? But nothing seems to be working. Her fears seem to be centred around me dying or becoming ill. Has anyone experienced this? What can I do? I feel like a terrible parent saying this but she is draining me.

Welcome Lord, have you spoken to Winston's Wish? They are brilliant.

DS1's MH difficulties stem from bereavement. He was 5 at the time. We were told it is around that age children first consider their own mortality and that of others close to them. So, DD's worries about you are entirely normal, even if draining.

At the time we read a lot of books. As well as invisible strings, a couple that may help DD are No matter what - Debi Gliori, The huge bag of worries - Virginia Ironside and The boy who built a wall around himself - Ali Redford.

For anxiety following bereavement reassuring DD you will be back, she will be OK etc. whilst listening to her worries is the right thing to do. But don't prolong saying goodbye, it isn't helpful. Neither is avoiding things. Once you have left DD needs someone to be upbeat and keep her occupied and distracted whilst being reassuring. For example, mum will be back at 5 why don't we paint/read/bake/watch favourite TV programme... rather than constant focus on you.

Freckles you don't need to apologise. Wise words from Zoo. You are important too! You can't help DS if you don't look after yourself.

Anne good news DD is managing more at school.

DS1 has had an awful day that looks set to continue tonight. I will be mainlining tomorrow.

@1skipforward2back thank you so much for your detailed response! I didn't expect it to drag on for as long as this. A few people have mentioned Winston's Wish so I may contact them today - to be honest I assumed she would get better as time went on and didn't want to make it into a bigger deal if you know what I mean? How is your DS now? To be honest the goodbyes are the easy part as I just say mum needs to go to work see you at 5. It's the night before she is crying and goes on and on about when I will be back and what if something happens to me and I cant spend an hour every night telling her I'm fine and I'll be back. Did you use Winston's Wish for your DS? If so what kind of things do they do? Sorry for all the questions as you can probably tell I am desperate for this to stop!

Lockdown probably hasn't helped. Normally the advice is to keep routines etc. the same because no matter what children still need time to be children and have secure boundaries. Without school and play that becomes harder, and there has been more time for DD to hyper focus on your mother's death. Getting back to school/clubs was important for DD2 and DS'.

Nights are hard. They are long, dark and lonely, with too much time for the mind to wonder. It is definitely a trigger point for DS1. We have tried many, many things but haven't found a solution. Have you tried a 2 way monitor or walkie talkies? It didn't work for us but does for some. Or gradual retreat? And once you are out of DD's bedroom tell her you are e.g. folding the laundry and will be back in a minute, then 2 minutes, 3, 5, 10...

DS1 is a work in progress. He is in a much better place physically and psychologically, but has significant MH difficulties, including PTSD. He still struggles being away from me and when I am around he will sit on or next to me and pat or stroke me (I often feel like a dog!) and often hides behind me. He follows me around the house too.

I spoke to Winston's Wish twice, once before DD1 died and once after. Sometimes it is good to be able to talk things through. Their advice was to use direct language - DD1 died she didn't pass away, fall asleep and we didn't lose her. Answer questions honestly giving bits of information at a time. Children often know more than parents think and if you don't give enough information DC fill the blanks themselves which is often far worse than the truth. DS3 had, and still has, a lot of questions that he needs answers to. That it's OK to be sad, but it's also OK to be happy and laugh and play etc as they did previously. In children it is normal for them to jump from happy to grieving and back at different points. To keep routines as normal as possible. They gave us advice on prepping DC for questions others may have - we gave DC a stock answer they could reply with. Who they could talk to. We spoke to them about DS1&3 regressing too, they were previously dry but started having accidents. And advice for preparing DS' for the funeral - although it turned out this wasn't well enough. Our main support was from medical teams and the hospice.

I'll stop rambling now.

Skip you never ramble lovely,you have experience in so much we are all grateful for your insight
Lord welcome.i can't really add anything more useful than skip has already given.feel free to come offload anytime

Thank you so much @1skipforward2back that is really helpful. And actually makes me feel like I am doing all the right things which is a relief! I have been very open & honest with her that gran died due to her brain being poorly so she is clear that she isnt coming back. We also talk about her regularly and about my life when I was little so it's not hidden away. Bedtime last night actually went well & this morning was okay at drop off too so I think we are getting there slowly but surely. (I have thought this before then it all goes back to how it was but I remain hopeful!) Thanks this thread has honestly been invaluable - it's so easy to doubt yourself as a parent when your child is struggling.

I left DS sleeping this morning whilst I went to work briefly.

He was still in bed when I got home at 2pm and said he couldn't face getting up. He looked so sad and fed up. I feel so cross with myself as I find this so frightening.

I've managed to get him into the shower, mainly because he doesn't seem to have the energy to argue.

Will attempt to get him out for a short dog walk next but I know he will be silent and angry with me.

I just want to cry. What can't I deal with this without falling apart?

I've got a few things sorted that he could do, but he just doesn't want to do anything at all. I don't know whether to push him or not.

This is so hard.

@freckles20 you are falling apart because it's hard not to. Hardly anyone has it 'together' in these circumstances. Prioritise what you must do, try to focus on one thing at a time (foundation stuff like food or sleep) and let everything else go (tidy house doesn't matter, grades don't matter, personal hygiene matters but isn't an emergency or top priority when he's ill). If you manage the basics of caring for yourself and your son, you're doing well.

I had counselling for myself and it helped but found that co-counselling with a friend was more effective because I could unload my worries/thoughts at any point (as opposed to once a week). What you say and how you express your thoughts (rather than what is said to you) is very important - it's a way of processing what you're going through and speeds up your own recovery.

I also took six weeks off work and have no idea how on earth I would have coped otherwise. I didn't 'achieve' anything in those six weeks, I just made sure we both survived through them.

Remember, you both have the rest of your life to figure this stuff out. It's a long term thing. If one day didn't go well, it's okay. There is no rush.

Exercise and walks are very helpful but they are also very hard when the energy levels are so low. Don't beat yourselves up if you're not well enough to do it yet. Baby steps are fine, and actually more effective than radical attempts at change that don't stick.

When and if you can - nature, water, fire, animals are all very therapeutic. Moving in the way that is enjoyable is very good - my daughter likes skateboarding.

Ultimately, you must have faith that it will get better. Not when you want or need it to get better, but on his terms, when he's ready. It might get worse before it gets better, but in the end, believe with all your heart and soul that you'll get through it. Teenagers can bounce from very dark places and many do.

Lots of love xxx

@SecretOfChange thank you so much for your post. It made me cry, but it's so good to feel understood. Thank you.

I guess I'm struggling to accept that maybe I've no choice but to feel pretty terrible under the circumstances. I'm desperately looking for ways to cope, because the way I'm feeling is so painful. But maybe it's impossible to feel ok anymore.

Thank you for this thread. This is all so new to me that I haven't contributed in a meaningful way, but I will when I can.

Does anyone know of any other sources of support? I have a few lovely friends, who are very kind but they don't really understand. I'm sorting some counselling too.

secret I couldn't have put that better for freckles❤️
Freckles dd2 is quite dispondant.eating and getting up/hygiene are non negotiable.we have a short walk together at least every couple of days.curtains open in the daytime to help with body click and I wake her by 8am no matter what time she goes to sleep.there are arguements,but ultimately she understands my reasoning

It's not easy,I feel like I spend a lot of time nagging.i intersperse it with little things I know she loves most

Lord does DD's school run a rainbows programme? If so, whoever runs it could work with DD or send material home even if the groups aren't running at the moment.

Zoo thank you lovely. How are you and DC without the pressure of online lessons?

Freckles are you and DS taking vitamin D supplements? If not, consider starting as low vitD exacerbates low mood. The other vitamin deficiency the can cause MH problems is B12. Like Zoo I would push getting up, meals, going to bed at a reasonable time and getting fresh air. Sleeping during the day, awake at night and not eating properly exacerbates problems and getting sunlight and fresh air will help even if DS can't see that at the moment. Avoidance makes everything harder, it becomes a viscous circle and once in a routine it will be less of a fight.

I have a couple of close friends I speak to, but I'm always worried of scaring them off. Over the years I have had counselling on and off and have support from a CP attached to DS' medical team. Young minds have a parents helpline. For those with DC with ASD or being assessed for ASD or another disability Scope have a mentoring service. The SN section on here is very supportive and knowledgable too.

skip lack routine can set in during holidays,which makes them worse in other ways...dd2 has done a tiny but if catch up work she's now focussing on TV streaming!
DS and lil zoo have had no internet til now,they've sat and watched some Dr who downstairs with me.
Yesterday we did a very long walk then pm they were allowed do as they wished

Hi folks

I too endorse vitamin D. It can have a big impact on mood and energy.

Dd EHCNA has been approved by the council. I'm a bit surprised. I was expecting a rejection and to have to go to appeal. Then you link back at what we have been coping with and realise, no, it is valid....

I hope everyone is coping this half term.

We did a blood test and been told Vitamin D is low too. I bought supplements and fingers crossed for warm sunny days soon as well. Definitely something to consider.

We also did a blood test and had low vitamin D.

@FiveMoreMinutesPlease and @SecretOfChange did you get bloods done by GP?

It has occurred to me to ask GP to give DS a 'once over'- he struggles a bit with dizziness on standing occasionally but I was told this was not unusual at his age, he's also often very warm (which I've assumed is anxiety), and he claims he has a fast resting pulse (which I've reassured him about without really checking it myself as I don't want to make him more anxious).

Actually after typing all that out I feel a bit neglectful.

Yes, through the GP. I had to ask for it though. They tested for various things and all was ok apart from low vitamin D.

Anne terrific news. Request any assessments you want in writing.

Zoo it is brilliant DS and DD3 are spending more time together with you and no internet. We have really structured holidays and weekends from the same reason - DS1&3 can't cope otherwise.

Most people in the UK need Vit D supplementation over winter. DS' take it year round due to a medical condition and DD2, DH and I take it from about Oct to April ish, but never stopped last April due to Covid.

Freckles What are DS' weight and eating like? Do you think there's a possibility DS has POTS?

@1skipforward2back DS generally eats well, he's about 5ft 8, I'm not sure about actual weight but I'd say he's slim but not skinny.

Re POTS, I don't think so as it's fairly infrequent. I mentioned it to a friend who is a doctor and she said it's probably nothing other than the fact that he's growing like a weed a a bag of hormones.

Maybe I should have taken it all a bit more seriously.

@freckles20 yes through GP.

Don't be so harsh on yourself, you can't do everything at once. I've only taken my daughter after she got a bit better and I had time to do it, nowhere near as a first priority. However low vitamin D is very likely in these circumstances (winter, lockdown) so it's best to check as soon as you're able to. Be mindful it's rather common to feel really dizzy after a blood test so take your time, and best of all spend 5-10 mins in GP reception, sat down, just in case, before going home. You don't want your DS to faint on the way home.

My DD also gets dizzy occasionally when she stands up. I don't think it's POTS or some other serious condition, mostly just due to unhealthy diet and lifestyle combined with lockdown, lack of fresh air etc etc. Not great but not an illness or condition as far as I can tell, in our case.