Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

Thank you all for your replies.
She is on very waiting list for ASC assessment.
I didnt realise you could limit wifi to certain devices only, im not very techy!
She has a big data allowance on phone as it was a black Friday deal, so she doesnt run out.
She switchs screen to night mode/ non blue light but not sure it makes much difference and yes her phone is always pinging do teenagers ever sleep?!
I would rather she had a smart speaker or similar in her room but taking away her phone will be a huge battle.
I have also heard a walk/ sunlight exposure before midday is really helpful. Feel completely useless but getting her out of bed is difficult enough let alone out the house, I was hoping Sertraline would help but it hasnt made the impact i thought it would.
Its interesting to hear experiences with medications. We took her to private child psychiatrist out of desperation as ( naturally!) also very long wait for anxiety help with cahms and GP wont / cant prescribe or do anything to help just have to wait for cahms so paid for a private appointment .

Runner I'm not convinced night mode makes a difference either. You can put wifi restrictions on individual devices via the router. If you don't want the battle of removing DD's phone but want to limit internet access at night you can restrict what apps she can use after a certain time. I'm not 100% sure how you do it as DH did ours but if it's an iphone it is in settings under screen time. There's various apps that do similar too.

Runner DS1 has been taking melatonin on and off for years. Definitely a game changer for us as he wouldn’t have been able to regularly attend school otherwise. Strong recommendation from me. DS1 also prescribed sertraline but didn’t take it long enough or use a strong enough dose (he didn’t want to continue) for any effect to kick in.
skip social worker felt quite strongly my DCs would benefit from an attachment-based model from Dr. Gordon Neufeld. My apologies as I should not have said reading recommendations but rather recommendations in general. She suggested I look at his videos online rather than his book (which is too general). There are courses you can sign up for on his website but I haven’t delved into it yet. In my case, she felt his Making Sense of Hypersensitivity would be highly beneficial. Think it is on YouTube.
zoo how are things? Is the new routine still holding ok?

Viking Thanks I will look at Dr. Gordon Neufeld's videos. The SW suggesting that doesn't surprise me. DS1 has attachment problems related to bereavement, and from your posts I suspect in some ways DS1 is similar to your DS'.

Have you looked at Beacon House's resources? Lots are aimed at developmental trauma, but some crossover well and are useful. The Coventry Grid is also brilliant at highlighting the behavioural differences between ASD and attachment problem. Some of Mulberry Bush's attachment resources are good too.

I find the stigma that many, including some professionals, often associate with attachment problems difficult to deal with. It's often assumed a child with attachment problems must have been neglected, which isn't the case. And let's be honest, when people judge they are judging me, it's always the mother who is judged.

DS has massive attachment issues to me.i think he's afraid something will happen to me and there will be no one else to look after him
*Runner" nightmode does not help dd2 sleep.she wears blue light reduction glasses as she has sensitive to light eyes.these also do not increase sleep patterns
I've learned hard battles aren't bad,they are sometimes necessary for change,it may be initially tough but then things do get better

Viking yesterday dd2 had 2 assessments.she tackled sociology and had a modicum of confidence over 2/3 questions.histort one had no idea where to start and bit the bullet telling teacher.he helped point to nec resources and gave few questions to help her.it took 7hoirs but assessments submitted

Hi everyone
I will try and catch up with the thread tomorrow. Panel to decide on DDs ehcna on Monday. Wish me luck.

Good luck anne🍀🍀🍀🍀
How have things been?

Up and down zoo
Dd is back on sertraline 50mg which is helping. She has a 121 at school and is managing about half the time now. The fear is reducing a little. But she is on her own as all other kids are homeschooling. We have a long way to go.

Some days are much harder than others. A big problem for us right now is that most of her special interests have gone so she is a bit lost.

I saw the post by @croydoncat
We have done sertraline and melatonin. Mixed results. First time ok but then started to wear off. Second time we are having a good start. Helping the anxiety and ocd.
My concern is that dd gets used to meds very quickly

Morning all!
@Anne I'm glad the sertraline is working. My GO has just prescribed me that.

We're having a downward turn. The psychiatrist upped DD(16)s fluoxetine to 2.5ml from 1.25mk 4 weeks ago and her anxiety has really increased. She's just had 2 weeks of assessments and managed ok but broke down before that last 2 and couldn't sit them. She was screaming abs thought were were going to hurt her. Had to take her to a and e. The psychiatrist says keep with the dosage. However she has work anxious again but I suppose that the though if school. She is homeschooling though.

I'm hope the meds smooth out soon. Anyone any experience?

I am so stressed and walking on egg shells and I feel it's all about her and worry for my son and everyone else.

five I know that feeling.dd2 dominates things here as her angry temperament means we all walk on eggshells.shes refusing to take Prozac at mo,so scared side effects will be like sertraline on her gut pain

@zoo Its like were held hostage to their emotions and temperament. Sorry she's not not taking her prozac. Is she likely to change her mind and go back on them?

Had a call from CAMHS yesterday and some therapy is being set up. I think she said DBT but could have been CBT. I really hope it helps as DD usually takes on board stuff.

I heard something yesterday... behaviour impacts mood. So I'm going to try and impart that knowledge to DD.

Five and zoo - my dd was not well on fluoxetine. 20mg gave her terrible stomach pain and the gp pulled her off it. She also had more dark thoughts on it than off. Which is why she went back on sertraline.

I am on sertraline myself and that seems to reassure dd

Anne that doesn't bode well for dd2 as she had acute pain sertraline and darker thoughts...

CAMHS have said they will recommend a meds review as she is still so anxious.
What do you all think of therapy. It always makes DD feel bad but then it's not been consistent enough to help. We're told it makes you feel worse before it makes you feel better. What do you guys think of that?

Sorry to jump into the thread but I really need advice.

My 14yo DS has within the last month told me he feels low, sad and unmotivated. I had no idea he was struggling prior to this. The night he told me I found him trying to self harm.

He's been given access to a school counsellor. He's had 3 sessions and has 3 left.

After the first session I had a call to say that they needed to share with me that he has had suicidal thoughts. This was the most terrifying news.

They've not shared anything else, due to confidentiality.

He's also spoken to a friend of mine who is an children's consultant in a different county. She has of course kept his confidence, but she has said she doesn't feel he is in danger.

I know that the school counsellor has helped him put a safety plan in place for if he feels very low. This includes calling or messaging friends, or contacting helplines.

Because of this I decided he should have access to his mobile phone over night. But he's on it all night, often until 3am or later. I pop in to check on him, being as kind and understanding as I can. He won't talk to me about anything at all that is bothering him, or tell me anything other than he is struggling.

It's so hard to know what to do. I feel this lack of sleep must be exacerbating his low mood.

Can anyone help please?

Hi freckles20,

It's the worst feeling - hearing your child is so low. We also had that call from the counsellor. I can still remember the feeling. I still have it TBH.

I would call the GP and see if you can get referred to CAMHS. Get him in the system.

I'd also have a look at young minds or similar websites for help and guidance. When DD gets low and or anxious we try and ground her with sensory distractions. Does your DS go out at all for walks or something. A long brisk walk is of some help to my DD.

I think the nighttime is especially hard as that's when your brain races away with you. DD also meditates in the night if she gets like that. Or so she tells me. Focusing on her breathing. We've had a lot of input and she is still incredibly anxious and sometimes low. This all alongside medication.

There are far more experienced people on here who will have more advice.

freckleswe are an open to all support thread.dont apologise for asking to join us!
My DD has depression and anxiety.we have recently removed WiFi at 6/7 pm and it's helping her with sleep as she has limited mobile data.like five said exercise/getting outside really help,and sensory grounding.
If you aren't in the system for camhs then please do get on to the GP to organise that.if meds are required it's not possible for gp to prescribe anti depressants to under 18s,they can only access the gateway to child mentalhealth

It's very important to make sure you look after your mental health too as you can't pour from an empty cup.have you got support/some one to turn to in real life?

Five our experience of talking therapy it is worse before gets better.it dies need to be consistent and it's very important to take on board that exercises learned do need to be practised long-term if you expect to continue to improve/stabilise

DS school have decided screen free Friday today- one lesson then it's half time this morning,which has caused uproar with the girls who have school all day

Zoo thank god it's half term. One less thing to stress about

Welcome Freckles. Nights are always the hardest. I wouldn't allow DS unfettered access to his phone overnight. Good sleep hygiene is important for MH. As you say, everything is harder to cope with when you are tired. You also don't know what he is accessing online at that time.

Anne I hope the LA have agreed to assess. When is the 6 weeks from your request up, make sure the LA inform you by then. Fingers crossed the Sertraline continues to help.

Five our experience is things get worse before they get better too. DS' psychiatrist told me they receive the most crisis calls after sessions. I agree behaviour impacts mood. It is why I insist on things such as leaving the house, getting up/bedtime etc. otherwise it ends in a viscous circle.

Zoo hope everyone is more settled this evening.

@freckles20 - I totally understand where you are coming from, in terms of allowing phone overnight as a distraction from suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I have done the same in the past and allowed it (reluctantly) for some time, but it is a decidedly unhelpful strategy for MH and also unsafe. Presumably you have a landline anyone can use in an emergency? He could use that if needed.

We had self harm and suicidal thoughts last year (DD age 13) and in part the distress was due to a serious online grooming incident which was reported with police when discovered and took us months to recover from (by recover I mean ability to function/eat/study not total healing). I would be tempted to look through all the private messages and social media if he's using it at night due to safety concerns. Teens engaged in county lines / online grooming are very distressed and are manipulated to lie to parents - you cannot get them to cooperate with you when they're in the middle of it.

We now have Family Link parental controls and the phone is switched off 'automatically' at the time you set as bedtime (it's 11pm for us which is still way too late in my opinion, but it's baby steps in the right direction). When the phone is switched off the child can still make calls (specifically for emergency purposes) but they cannot use any apps or internet.

@freckles20 - in terms of what to do, in general. Definitely referral to CAMHS asap on the grounds of self harm and suicidal thoughts. School counsellor should have done that anyway.

I removed all means of self-harm as well, as a way of discouraging this way of coping with the distress. So that's pencil sharpeners, razors, knives, ropes, matches/candles, tablets (paracetamol etc - anything you can overdose on). Alcohol and drugs can makes the situation much, much worse, so make sure he has no access to any of that too. This was something that a friend who works in suicide prevention recommended to me, and was later seconded by CAMHS counsellor. There is some disagreement in general whether this is the right approach but I believe very strongly that for teens it is (it is different for adults who would have zero trouble replacing the 'tools' by going to the shop). Not everyone who self-harms, will self harm again, but those who do generally use a variety of methods over time - don't get too focussed on just the cutting as a method for example.

This book is really good and is widely available in libraries for free:
and Responding to Self-Harm [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Responding-Self-Harm-Practical-Affected/dp/178816027?tag=mumsnetforu03-214]]

In the end, remember that your son's struggle means something is not right, something needs to change, so when you get to the bottom of what it is, it will help you both to grow beyond what you can imagine.

Lots of love

Link to the book:
Understanding and Responding to Self-Harm

Thank you to all of you for your thoughtful advice and kindness. I'm taking notice of everything.

Unfortunately DS mostly just tells me that he's fine, when he isn't. I feel sure that pushing him won't help, so I'm trying to be kind and understanding.

I'm really struggling myself with anxiety, guilt and self doubt- I've never struggled like this before and I so want to be stronger for DS.

freckles are these feeling trigger because he's unwell or worsened by it?
Guilt is pointless,hindsight is a great way to beat yourself up.we do what we can at that time.its ok not to be perfect.its ok to try a different way if it works better for your family.anxiety is common,and for many covid has increased this as our normal lives are tipped upside down.acknowlefge it,accept it,and seek help if it interferes with day to day life
Never doubt you do your best as a mum,we all do and to doubt it means you care and he matters to you.
Always feel free to come and share worries,however small or silly they may seem to others,we understand what it's like

Secret we have anything that could be used to self harm locked away too. There's always the worry that you have missed something. Having said that DS1's preferred method of self injurious behaviour is head banging or throwing himself down stairs.

Freckles telling you everything is OK is familiar. Here it is due to a mix of knowing that it ends the conversation, poor insight and poor emotional literacy.

DS is having a bad night.