Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

NowImmeagain - didn't want to read and run, hopefully bumping for you.
I was just scrolling through this thread as my 13 year old DD has anxiety and I know the strain it puts on you, its awful to see you child suffer.
I will say that medication can around 8 weeks to make a difference so as its only been 4 weeks dont give up hope yet, stick with it.
Can the GP refer for any counselling/ CBT?
Its encouraging your DD wants to spend time with you, take it slowly ,watching films together is fine, try and encourage her to go out every day if you can,even just a short walk.
Is her uni accommodation private or halls, can uni offer an help or advice, she wont be first student in this position. sometimes they can fill the room with another student. I really hope your DD turns a corner soon, remember its not your fault, just be there for her.

Thanks @Runnerduck34. She's in a private flat with a friend. She's paid a deposit for next year and rent will be due in January, 3 months, but her financing will stop, so no money to pay it. She's spoken to uni but they just said they might be able to find someone to take on the flat, but she doesn't want to do that to her friend and also then she'll need to find new accommodation when she does go back.

She won't go out with me. She sleeps all day.

I thought the same about the medication, but realistically she has to decide what to do immediately. So difficult

I got her to fill in a self referral for counselling.

I just feel so helpless. It's horrible watching your children like this. Sorry your DD is struggling too. Are you getting any help from her gp?

Welcome runnerandnow
Now I'm a bit confused why she realistically has to make meds decisions now.runner is correct.4 weeks in isn't long enough to expect leaps and bounds forward.its good she's willing to spend time with you.
At 19 it's very hard as she needs accept some responsibility for her mental health,but at same time needs you to keep an eye she's safe.
Modelling is important.how are you managing your MH?
I'm currently at mini loggerheads with dd2(16 years) as I refusing to accept the sleep all day,up all night- easier said than done,and very hard once established to break.only reason I've fought it is my own experience that routine matters,and night waking is solitary-not helpful long term.no matter how late she falls asleep(insomnia of meds) she still has to get up by 830- the fact She has to take reflux meds at set times helps me enforce that.she does retreat to bed for chunks of the day,but is not allowed to sleep(lays binge watching CSI)
Encouraging morning walks helps reset body clocks/boosts mood,esp if bright and sunny.we walk over a nature reserve within 5minute walk,often taking her camera.
Routines that work for you both are important- mealtimes,time to self-care/relax,something you like to do,connecting with others (zoom/phone) all little step that help long-term.im not much help in the uni questions,other than will she not get financial help if you are a single mum?
It's horribly hard and please don't think because I do X,y,z I have it sorted and am sitting in judgement.some days are nothing but conflict and door slamming and thinking will this ever get better?!this threads always here to listen if you need to offload
Runner would you like to talk about your DD?

*within 5minute walk of our house

Welcome Now and Runner.

Now A leave of absence sounds for the best. Why does DD have to decide now about medication?

Firstly, you need to make it clear not getting a job but not applying for UC whilst not receiving a student loan isn't an option. She needs to either get a job, apply for UC or continue as a student. And since 2 out of those 3 aren't possible due to her MH she needs to apply for UC. If she isn't able to manage a claim herself you can become her appointee. This is even more important if someone is the guarantor as the landlord WILL chase them if she doesn't pay. She will be liable for council tax too.

As she's taking a leave of absence I don't know if she would be eligible but it's worth asking the university about their hardship/access to learning fund.

Sleeping all day and awake all night will not be helping. Does DD take VitD? If not, she is likely deficient which won't help.

Good luck today Anne. We are here afterwards if you want a handhold.

Thanks stilllivinginszoo.
My DD is 13 and in hindsight has probably been suffering with anxiety for several years but it really started to impact her life about a year ago- baracading herself in her room and refusing to go to school, turning down social invitations etc.
At first we thought it maybe bullying or a teacher or a lesson she didn't like but there was no specific nor logical reason.
Puberty was like a time bomb, she has found changes in her body very hard to cope with. School suggested she maybe on the ASD spectrum and after copious form filling she was accepted in cahms waiting list for ASD assesment which is currently 2 years.
We have filled out lots of other forms for another branch of cahms for help with anxiety, this has a wait time of several months. GP says because of her age he can do nothing just refer to cahms so we feels we are in a black hole. School have just suggested early help and shes had a few sessions which she hates and has either refused to.leave her bed to talk to them or has just said yes/ no answers. She says its pointless and it doesn't help- she says that about everything.
Out of desperation we paid for her to see private psychiatrist 5-6 weeks ago and he prescribed Sertraline , she hates taking it, says it makes her feel sick and i have found a few tablets stashed in pillow case.

Her sleep pattern is awful and she spends most if the day in bed watching on her ipad, playing in the switch, it's very very difficult to get her to leave her room
We agreed she would go into school for afternoons but currently only managing 2 afternoons a week.
Any help.or advice would be appreciated.
How do you.motivate your child to go out/ get up ? What helps?
Is there any help i should be applying for? how to push for cahms
Anyone had experience with Sertraline, did he help? How long did it take?
Sorry this post is very long,if you managed to read it, thank you

Don't worry about your post being long Runner, sometimes a long post is needed.

The LA have a statutory duty to provide education to those unable to attend she due to their health, that includes MH. Earlier in the thread I linked to the gov document for this. If the LA won't provide it or are dragging their heels you can threaten Judicial Review.

Alongside this you should apply for an EHCNA. The threshold for assessment is has or may have SEN and may need SEN provision via an EHCP. A child unable to attend school full time meets this criteria. IPSEA have a model letter you can use, and SOSSEN are a brilliant resource too.

Be aware some CAMHS teams won't allow you to mix private care with their care, so you may find if you continue with private you are discharged from the anxiety pathway.

Do you get DLA for DD? If not you should apply.

Persevere with Early Help. As DD becomes more comfortable and you maybe adjust medication she may be able to engage more. One thing I always make sure professionals know is it's can't engage not won't.

We make DS' take medication in front of us, would that be a possibility? We are tough on things like getting up and dressed - DS1 doesn't get a choice as given one he would stay pants 24/7. Neither does he around meals - we use the magic plate. Or going out - give the choice he would never leave the house.

Thank you, one skip ( love the user name!) I will look those things up that you recommended.
Shes only had one appointment privately, out of desperation, but its not a route we can afford long term, we wouldn't see anyone privately once she is being seen by cahms.
I agree routine is important, have tried to get her up but ends up in a meltdown/ panic attack and without any advice unsure how to push it and when to back off .
She comes down for dinner, to raid the fridge and sometimes to play a game with siblings. Did get her to come with us to buy a xmas tree at weekend 😀.
The medication thing is tricky,, I loiter when she takes it but unless i am looking at her the whole time ( she doesn't like me looking at her!) I can miss her taking it whilst collecting dirty washing etc.
Trying to combine supporting her , getting her into school with working is really stressful as I'm sure you all know.

runner she sounds a lot like my youngest(known as lil zoo) also 13yrs
I don't give choices on getting up.i tried stay in bed no breakfast she happily won't eat....threatening sprinkle her with cold water works
I've discovered she likes night waking,esp at mo with Xmas lights to look at,so I've taken her out a couple of times in different directions hunting lights.shes also awaiting ASD assessment/support from camhs

I find she's highly sensoryand working out whatscomforting/triggering had helped us- she literally stops walking if gets too cold/hates certain textures...loves comfort of wrap in soft blanket/soft teddy textured things.prefers dimmed lights etc

It's bloody hard

How many other DC do you have,and how does it impact them?

We are currently on a terrible slide of anxiety from one setting off another til everyone's on edge and freaking Nd very hard try stop the domino effect

@Stilllivinginazoo I'm doing my best to be a good role model, trying to get up in the morning and rest reasonably healthily. She doesn't have to make a decision about her meds yet, she's just impatient.

Today was a good day, we got up before 10 and went to the shops, first time she's been out with me. Because she's over 18 we're not entitled to financial help unless she signs on, it seems. She had a film loan/grant for uni, but if she drops out for the rest of the year she'll get no more.

@1skipforward2back she understands she has to choose one of those options, but she doesn't want to upset her flat mate who is her best friend, by giving up her room there and letting someone else take it, plus she'll then have to find somewhere else in September, but they go quickly so she'd ideally be looking now and have to pay a deposit which she doesn't have. I don't think hardship payments would apply if she's leaving.

I didn't know I could be a guarantor for universal credit, so I'll look into that.

I just think if she could work at uni it would help her rather than being here where she knows no one and there's nothing much to do.

At 19 it's very difficult to insist she gets up or eats etc.

There's a certain degree of sensitivity too, she asked if autism or similar runs in the family, because she can't cope with loud noises, likes to wear comfy clothes etc. I don't know how she'd get an assessment, gp insists it's "just " depression

Runner - skips advice echoes what I would have said. Your dd sounds similar to mine in some ways.

We had the CPA meeting today.
Camhs psychiatrist plus school were on the call. They agreed the following:
Part time timetable
Peer support with another autistic child (introduction to be made)
121 support to be looked at (v costly for us though) :(
County SEND to be contacted by us to ask for urgent review.
Ehcp to be requested by us. School will support.
Asd social group outside of school to be recommended
Sensory toys to prevent scratching to be recommended
Medication to be reviewed
Emdr therapy to deal with ptsd to be pushed through ASAP.
Option to repeat a school year was considered but I said I was not keen as she already feels like a failure.
It was useful to have them all in one place. We meet again in 2 months.

Anne are you happy with how it went?
There seems fair few positives with that?

Toys to help with scratching?I didn't know that was a thing(lil zoo picks and scratches at her fingers)

Anne that sounds like a positive plan going forward. It's nice when you have a meeting to feel like something has come out of it. Small steps.

Anne sounds positive. For the 1:1, state schools could apply for top up high needs funding whilst applying for an EHCP, I don't think it's available for MS indies but it would be worth asking someone like IPSEA or SOSSEN. Make sure the ASD buddy is carefully chosen so they don't clash or compound DD's needs. I wish DS1 could engage with EMDR. Has DD seen an OT? It would help her sensory needs. Zoo there are numerous sensory toys to help DC regulate.

Zoo where possible we divide and conquer. I'm lucky DS1&3's needs don't clash, downside means one thing can trigger them both. It's DS2 (NT) that clashes, he is an extrovert, doesn't understand their difficulties and can be less than sympathetic, although doesn't get away with being nasty. DD2 takes herself off when things are too much.

Runner over time you will learn when to push and when you must stop otherwise you will reach crisis. Backlash is common because you are pushing DD out of her comfort zone. Don't take it to heart, it isn't personal. DD takes it out on you because she knows your love is unconditional.

I would insist on observing medication until she proved reliable. Cajoling DD out of her room with favourite food that must be eaten downstairs and playing favourite games sounds like it would be a good start.

There's parental leave if you need some time off work.

Now An NHS ASD assessment needs a GP referral. If DD wants to go down that route I suggest writing a list of points and completing the AQ then pushing the GP. Some private assessors will want a GP referral too.

Universities often try to help those on a leave of absence - which is often viewed differently to leaving completely. If DD doesn't receive DSA support she should apply in preparation for returning next year.

It's appointee for UC. Guarantor is sometimes required for renting. As we are still in term 1, for which she received student finance, she may not be able to claim UC yet or the amount may be reduced.

She may be 19, but is still part of the household. Everyone needs to maintain their hygiene, health and home including adult children.

Now while waiting to apply for UC DD can complete a HC1 form to give free prescriptions, dentist, opticians depending on income.

How is everyone doing?

Zoo one time DS1&3 aren't compatible is when DS3 monologues. DS3 has SM, but when he's comfortable, often at home with just family, he talks talks at you. At 100mph, without checking you are listening, looking at you or pausing for breath. When this happens we direct DS1 to his ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones.

We remind DS3, DS1 doesn't want to listen, we don't need to know every thought that pops into his head. He needs to think whether it's an appropriate time to talk, check the other person is listening (this morning was "you aren't listening to are you?" No DS3, when I am in the utility room and you are in the playroom I don't know you are talking to me) and allow them time to reply. It doesn't always work and sometimes insist on quiet time.

DS had a difficult day yesterday and a hard CAMHS psychiatrist appointment. Followed by a rubbish appointment this morning that means DS1 is now waiting for a hospital bed. DD2 is home from university which is lovely though.

Skip it must be nice to have your daughter home. Is that for Xmas?

We've had a few good day followed by a bad one today. DD was due to go into school. She's was nervous but had slept well. But then she couldn't find her jumper and then remembered a piece of work which she couldn't find. She had a real dip in mood and said she was a 0 out of 10. So we had to keep her off for the day and she stayed home with dad who WFH and so she is feeling a bit better now. A 3 out of 10.

I feel really bad as I should have had her uniform fully prepared. However, we willl try again tomorrow and she is doing virtual Rangers tonight making mince pies.

I have felt so anxious about her all day. I feel like a cloud is hanging over me and our whole house. I feel guilty feeling like this.

Dear 1skip sorry to hear about Ds1, that sounds very stressful, do you think he will have to stay in hospital long? Will you have to stay with him? It must be a comfort having your daughter home. I hope ds gets the treatment he needs in hospital. You have so much to deal with.

Things are ok here, up and down as usual, after some recent progress, I think ds1 stayed up all night and he’s asleep now. It’s good and bad that’s his peer group are home from university, I’m sure he will be happy to see some of them but it’s also a reminder that he is in limbo.
Ds2 has been going to school but lacks enthusiasm for anything, I’m just grateful he is going in though and hoping we make it to the Christmas holidays healthy. We were in a much worse place last year, but you never know what’s round the corner.

1skip, so sorry to hear about your DS needing a hospital bed that must be unbelievable stressful for you. I hope your DD being home from uni brings some you some comfort

Fivemoreminutes, our day sounds a bit similar to yours DDs school is closed due to boiler issues but she can go into learning base as its in a small separate building, she agreed to go in, woke up early started to get ready and then had a meltdown over clothes, the email from school didnt clarify whether she was to wear it was uniform or not, I clarified with senco but by then it was too late and shed gone from seemingly happy to panic in the space of a few minutes and once shes there its so hard to get her back. I blamed myself for not double checking with school earlier.
She had an appt with early help worker this afternoon and she refused to talk to her . Early help are now suggesting it may not be worth continuing as she isn't engaging , but they are the only support we currently have as still on waiting list for cahms. Its so bloody hard juggling everything, to answer a previous question i have 4 DCs , DD 13 is the youngest.

Five don't feel guilty or bad. After a few good days there was bound to be a difficult day at some point. It is not your fault. Hopefully tomorrow is easier. Getting bags and uniform ready the night before may ease the stress. How does DS find virtual Rangers? DS3 struggles with virtual clubs, especially scouts.

DD2 is home for Christmas, although who knows when they will be allowed to return. It's lovely to her back.

Runner sorry today was difficult. Such as change at the last minute must have been unsettling for DD. Remind Early Help it is can't engage, not won't, and won't improve overnight or without support. Are school providing any support? You could get more support by applying for an EHCNA.

Balloons DS2 going to school is a positive step. Seeing comparisons to peers is hard. I'm hoping DS1 will only be in a night or 2 and then allowed to finish treatment at home.

Morning all
Skipsorry to hear DS will need to go into hospital.any idea for how long?

All pearshaped here
Dd2 refusing to do virtually anything but lay in bed watching CSI.angry and highly anxious.i hate what these meds are turning her into.i need to ring camhs today and talk to doctor as has constant gut pain too,and reflux is totally out of control
DS is nervous wreck.schooling changes daily.think bug going around as staff are off.some lessons are changed or covered,others he just sits waiting and nothing happens.the stress of such uncertainty us driving him over the edge
Lil zoo still not eating or drinking properly.schoolings 2hours a day.she rarely talks,just shuts herself away with laptop.any attempts control that and she is one huge hissy fit
I'm exhausted and in constant pain.ive been ignoring problems with joints and muscles a while but came to a head now as an hour shopping yesterday had me hobbling like an old lady and desperate to go home to bed- in march I was walking 4+ hours a day,able to workout.i can't ignore things anymore hoping it will just go away.ringing doc once open

zoo so sorry or hear what’s happening with you and your dcs. You really need a break. There’s only so much stress anyone can take. I have a Fitbit and my pulse gets really high and fast even when I’m sleeping when I’m very stressed.
It’s definitely not my place to advise on dd2 and her meds but from my experience CAHMS will either. Increase the dose or offer more meds. It doesn’t sound like the Sertraline is helping at all and there will probably be withdrawal when she reduces or comes off it. If possible you should try and get her stable over Christmas. This time last year ds1 took to his bed, he was on 2 meds then, neither was working & he had an episode over Christmas where he went cold turkey & then took a 2am bike ride with no helmet or lights on his bike.
I couldn’t get hold of anyone in Adult Services and I had to reduce the meds myself. I ended up writing a letter to his Psych as I couldn’t get through or anyone and his Support Worker never called back.
Often they would ask ds1 if he wanted to increase his current dose and leave the decision to him? It was unbelievable.
You know your dd2, does she want to keep on with the Sertraline? For some reason the low dose Sertraline was the only med that actually worked for ds but he vowed never to take it again after what the higher does did to him.
You should try and get some help from your GP if you can, you must be totally exhausted. Is there anyone nearby who can offer you some help? The Tier system make it very difficult. Would their dad be able to give you a break? I have a good friend with a dc my ds1s ages who has helped me so much and her dc really looks out for ds1. It’s been a lifeline x