Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

Hi there @Sara2000 we went private. As I mentioned earlier my DD (9) wasn’t considered for CAMHS but she absolutely needed help. If you have the time please see my previous posts. If you don’t want to read everything just search under my username or private message me (although I’m not sure how that works). She was eventually diagnosed with GAD and PTSD both of which were exacerbated by lock down. I appreciate she is much younger than your DD and facing different difficulties but I can let you know how we accessed help etc. Following medication prescribed by a private psychiatrist and sessions with a child psychologist she is now doing very well. 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

I dont know what to make of this. Dd told me last night that she wants to die. We talked a bit more and she then went off on this tangent about how she sees society for what it is. None of its real, its ike a game and there is no point. Everyone is telling her she will get a job butshe doesnt want one and there is nothing to look forward to in life. We all live a pointless life in blocks and all she can see is the bit st the end where she gets old and dies. Money is not real so why do we all turn around for that.

That was the jist and tbh I spent most of the time thinking wtf.

I have to be honest my reserves of sympathy were running thin as it was midnight and I was tired . At the end she said she was scared of growing up and doesnt want to be a adult.
..

@Roxie55. Thank you. I read through your posts yesterday. I am so pleased your dd is feeling better. I think we will get DD seen privately once shes had her initial CAMHS appointment. Shes bene referred to tier 3 do hopefully she wonr have to wait long.

Sara I have no experience of private care,but I just wanted to comment about your chat last night.that must've been very hard and it always seems to be when we are at ends of tethers or on verge sleep they decide to open up and often take us by suprise.i hope you managed to get some rest and can look at it as a valuable point given that she felt able to try and explain how she was feeling.
Also remember if she's having depressive thoughts they are subject to constant change.

Anne its good to 'see' you. Attending half of the lessons is quite an achievement in a new school, with so long off and struggling beforehand. I hope it continues.

Sara was the ASD assessment by someone experienced in assessing girls?

Be aware many CAMHS won't allow you to mix their care and private care, they discharge if you go down the private route. If you do go private the BPS have a search tool here, and ACHIPPP have a search tool here. From what you have posted I think DD would benefit from at an initial assessment by a psychiatrist at least as well as psychologist appointments. Relate also offer counselling for teens.

Ds nervous wreck.meeting school named on plan today as "need to sign paperwork to access online learning".
We are meeting in our church garden,with masks.
He's been out if school almost two years now and this is massive and scary for him.

They rang me yesterday and were going on about moving forward we can visit move towards attending.erm no.we have no transport.he wouldn't be able to manage in a taxi etc
Quite nervous, but Sen support/iass both saying sign and get the work coming and we can argue about attendance later...

Good luck today @stilllivinginazoo. That must feel massive after 2 years.

@1skipforward2back. It was CAMHS who assessed DD so I assume they are used to assessing girls.

Dd has a theory that society is a game run by someone in power. She said if people disagree with her then they are acting on behalf of the person in power . It sounds bonkers , but shes perfectly rationale and says she has always felt this way. I just wonder if she does have ASD that it's a theory her brain has come up with to make sense of it all.

We have her first tier 3 appointment in 3 weeks.

Yes good luck today @Stilllivinginazoo I hope the meeting goes well. And @Sara2000 I’m glad the meeting with CAMHS is soon and hope it’s the start of DD getting the right help.

Zoo I hope the meeting goes well. Don't rule out a taxi. Once settled DC tend to cope better than expected. The maximum recommended travel time for secondary is 1hr15, although many travel further.

DS1 went in a taxi to the CAMHS day unit. I wasn't sure how he would cope, but when familiar with the routine, driver and escort it wasn't too bad. He took his iPad and a tub of Lego minifigures. We get mileage for DS3 instead, but only because I have to take DS2 anyway.

Sara I'm glad you aren't waiting too long for the initial appointment. Not all HCPs and CAMHS are good at assessing girls. Many on MN have been told their DD doesn't have ASD or only has 'traits', then diagnosed when reassessed by someone experienced in the different presentation of girls or using DISCO instead of ADOS. I know a few IRL too. If you think ASD is likely I would ask for a second opinion or go privately to someone with experience with high functioning females.

DS3 had a good day at school yesterday and went in reasonably this morning. DS1's anxiety on the other hand is sky high. He has got a sore on his arm where he has picked his skin that has got infected.

Well they didn't expect any signing of paperwork.
He will get three one hour "live" lessons a week via teams - one each of maths,English and science.there are number other kids also using this,but it will be individually tailored
He will also get written work sent in post with SAE to return for marking
They had no idea when I said we had bought copies an inspector calls and Christmas carol as they were GCSE books to be read.glad we have dd2 study guides still...
Not sure what else will offer,if anything.they did say would like see some his photos
We shall go ahead and continue with work I started with him yesterday to fill time.we are learning history of some of our favourite parks/open spaces.two here we utilise were part of large estates from manor houses with interesting history behind them.local nature reserve hasnt got much historybut was named after famous local man,and we can learn about him.

Dd2 had awful day,didn't eat.cry all morning.hasnt taken on board anything at school today.head if year offered her use his office as quiet space
Tonight emails come out all 6form students are (if poss) to only attend during lessons and free/study periods and extra curricular activities as part UCAS points to be done at home where possible to limit numbers in schools as been confirmed covid cases in 4 of the 8 largest secondaries hereas all her frees are doubles she's pleased as means can come home and will often have chance to eat as and when she feels able.it was what she originally ask school as reduced timetable support and they(back then) said no.added bonus us it's for all so she's not going to stand out for it

Joining this thread.

Welcome Secret.

Zoo 3 lessons sounds like a good plan. If it is going to be long term, once DS is comfortable, don't allow the LA to get away with only providing that - a) what about other support in the EHCP, and b) it's not anywhere close to full time, which is what DS is entitled to. Differentiation is easier in SS, even if there is a wider ability than in MS, because there are fewer pupils. Your home learning sounds interesting.

Is it the school you visited and was going to ask to be named? If so, I don't think that group of schools routinely offer English Lit. Many SS only offer English Language, therefore don't study any texts/poetry. However, schools can, and do, offer individual students GCSEs that their pupils don't normally study if they are capable of it. If this is the case it would be best to get the provision specified in section F. DS may like it if photography is in there too.

I am glad the changes suit DD2's needs better.

DS1 has a dentist appointment tomorrow that he is on edge about. It's going to be a long evening and night ahead.

@Stilllivinginazoo. Sorry to hear your DD had a bad day. It sounds as though things went well with DS.

Welcome @SecretOfChange

Dd self harmed again last night so I slept in her room again. She doesnt refuse to go to school, but she has self harmed everyday she has been in school for the last 2 weeks. At what point do you say enough and she needs a break? I just dont want this to be a long term thing so my fear is by giving her age days off it; will just put off the inevitable but I also cant carry on with her self everyone everytime she has been at school. Just off to get plasters from the chemist as we 've run out of ones large enough for the damage shes doing .

Gah excuse typos. Dd came in the room.

What I meant was if shes not actually refusing to go in should i persist with school, even if she self harms every time she comes home

Sara it depends on circs but as a general rule of thumb I'd say yes send her.once you get into school refusal (thats an umbrella term)it's a whole new ball of wax and can cause behaviours to get worse when try get them back in again..if in doubt seek professional advice.i hate watching dd2 suffer so much but recognise once she's allowed stay home more than an odd day when meds/stomach are so bad it's unsafe for her to attend I won't get her back in

Secret welcome.would you like to tell us about yourself/your family?

Thanks for all the welcoming messages. My DD is 13, she was self harming, occasionally at first, then most days, during lockdown. We later discovered online grooming so police, social services and CAMHS got involved. I took two months off work in the end just to cope with it all and it helped a lot. She's not cutting herself anymore (for about two months) but she overdosed a week ago and smoked weed last weekend so obviously the distress and desperation is still very much there. We are at the beginning of ASD / ADHD assessment and I think she has autistic traits but what stands out the most is severe anxiety (even though she masks it very well).

My daughter has a sporty hobby that takes her mind off things so I'd say that's what helped her the most. For me, what kept me above water was exercise (and making time for it) and one mega-supportive, kind friend who experienced suicide of his partner and is heavily involved in suicide prevention since.

secret that sounds like a horribly rough time.im so glad to hear you have a supportive friend and exercise as a coping mechanism.are criminal proceedings in progress?being heard and believed must've been a partial relief for your DD,and now the aftermath of everything may be mounting.is she getting any support/counselling via CAMHS too?

That sounds tough @secretsofchange. Your dd sounds similar to mine with the anxiety. We have a tier 3 CAMHs appointment in 3 weeks time. I have no words of wisdom other than to say I get it!

Had last part neuro assessment yesterday.were told D's complex case due such high anxiety makes hard decide what's that and what's potential ASD.as such she cannot call it so going to get hold of team mber who did face to face with D's for ADOS in December and hoping she can then make a decision.failing that,we are stuck in limbo with that til such yes as she's permitted to see us in person
Really hoping this doesn't leave us "stuck" with lea choice of school.
DS got very distressed and disappeared upstairs during meeting on teams yesterday.after 20 mins continuing consultation I venture up to check him and had face in cats fur holding cuddly toy tightly...he's been highly agitated since
Youngest off today with migraine that started yesterday,no doubt bought on by refuse drink til after-school,not eating at lunch and be stressed by volume "rule breaking" regard covid rules of not sharing equipment and food,along ins play up,not sleeping etc.no word on wait time for her to see camhs,but expect be pretty much forever as she's not deemed urgent
Dd2 is urgent yo see medic and two weeks later we still have no idea how long wait will be.so frustrating!she's off today also as propranolol leaving her dizzy and not eating during school day as reflux bad cos stressed seems intensify this and she's really not safe walk to school,or tackle moving around school/stairs

No doubt will only be matter time before I've got school ony back about attendance. so exhausted by it all I wish i could just run away😔

Sorry to hear things are so tough for you. No words of wisdom just

FfS I am so over this now. Yes I know that makes me a shit parent. Dd has been off school for most of last week. We hoped that would be a break from the self harming. But no, shes done it again yesterday. I talked to her about it and she said that made her feel worse and like she wants to do it again. I can't bloody win. Should I talk about this to her or not ? What the hell is the right thing to do?

I’m really not qualified to give advice on this but wanted to give you a reply as I’m sure you’re desperate to help DD. I would suggest just being there for her just now and trying to make sure you convey that you don’t think what she’s doing is wrong if that makes sense. You know help us on its way via CAMHS so try to just keep her going and support her as much as possible while you wait for professional help. I’m so sorry your DD is going through this and I can’t even begin to understand how you must be feeling too. As I said, I have no experience of this so feel free to completely disregard. You could search ‘teenage self harm’ on here and see if there is another thread you can follow.

Sara
Look on the Young Minds website. They have a section for parents of teenagers who self-harm.

They also have an excellent helpline that you can phone.

Unfortunately, for some teenagers it takes a very long time for them to stop (almost 8 years on, mine still self-harms in times of stress). It is important to have support for yourself too.

I need to be here.
I am too exhausted to post tonight but will tomorrow.

I just dont get it. She has everything and is loved. We Read to her, baked with her, sat through every hobby, encouraged , cared and considered every decision .Yet here are with a child who is self harming and won't explain why. The whole thing just pisses me off.