I just want out

[Anon8253]

I've suffered with mental illness for a long while but over the past 2 years, things took a drastic drop. After having my youngest, I was hospitalised several times for suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts. I have bpd, gad, depression and agoraphobia.

I've been in therapy for a year and it's helped massively, I haven't had any admissions for nearly a year now but I'm really struggling. I feel like I try so hard to keep my head above water but I can never keep it there for long, all that effort and it still leads to the same result. I have three kids, I know they need me. I can see that now but I don't think I can do it. My partner is wonderful, tries everything to help me but there is no magic wand that can fix it all. I've been sat downstairs for over an hour on my own, sobbing. I feel so alone, I can't bother my partner with my feelings as he always gets upset and I can't deal with that either as it just makes me feel guilty. I want so bad to be happy but it doesn't seem possible. I went to the Dr's today but they didn't care, gave me diazepam and sent me on my way. I suppose there's nothing they can do anyway. I've tried so many different medication and none of it has helped.

I feel so completely alone, I don't feel like this is ever going to get better. I've tried and tried, I feel like there is only one way out now but then I image my kids finding out I'm dead and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. It's never going to get any better and I can't keep going any longer

Hey
Didn't want you to feel alone. Sorry you are going through this

I am sorry your partner is struggling to support you too

The doctors do care but they are really stretched too.
Your kids need you.
Teeny tiny baby steps will help

You're not alone and you're very brave for expressing exactly how you're feeling so im sending you a virtual hug please, please speak to someone such as the samaritans so that you can connect verbally during this difficult time

Yes what this other poster said too
Speak to someone
Kindest wishes to you

You absolutely can keep going. You have kept going throughout everything up to now, you can carry on.

The first step to achieving anything is believing you can do it.

Don't imagine your children without you, think about the things you can do with them. You say you appreciate your partner so try and think of something nice you can plan to do for him.

When I'm feeling low, I try to redirect my energy in to making others happy because seeing the positive effect I can have on others makes me feel better about myself.

It’s not in anyway easy being a mum. I remember when my son was born having the responsibility of another life hit me like a huge slap in the face and it’s still there years later.

Please remember when you’re looking at other people’s lives that you’re seeing what they want you to see (particularly in public and on social media). I’ve thought certain friends/acquaintances have had fabulous lives only to later discover they are anything but (domestic violence, extreme debt etc).

You are most definitely not alone in struggling. Unfortunately there is a stigma surrounding mental health however it effects everyone at some stage in their lives. It’s fortunate that you clearly recognise that you’re struggling so you can seek support.

Is a councillor / support group available in your area? Have you had a look at forums dedicated to coping with depression?

I wish you the very best.

It's great you are accessing therapy and the GP! You are taking all of the right steps and healing doesn't happen over night.

One of my favourite sayings is 'this too shall pass' remember that feelings and situations are temporary. How you feel now isn't forever.

Sending big hugs!

Getting through a full day when feeling like this can be daunting never mind looking at carrying on for however many years. My only piece of advice when your at crisis point is to take it hour by hour, it's 1 o clock now, focus on making it to 2 o clock whether that's busying yourself or sleeping. Tomorrow say you look at the clock and it's 3 in the afternoon, focus on what you want/need to do for the next hour - washing load, shower, sitting and reading rubbish on the news or whatever. Hour by hour is not as overwhelming than thinking how your going to cope for the next few weeks or months. Your not alone. Stick with it x

One day at a time, one hour at a time if that's more manageable.

It sounds like you've made real progress, but it also sounds like you're very tired with the effort of reaching where you are now. Can you say to yourself that what you've achieved is really significant, and perhaps just step aside for a while. Looking at the next stage of where you want to be has it's place, but maybe now isn't the time.

You're at home, you're safe, your family is around you. You have successful ongoing therapy, you know you can make changes. But it's hard, bloody hard, so be gentle and kind to yourself.

Try to let go of any expectations you have of yourself at the moment. There's a great sense in your OP of heaviness, of your being weighed down. You can only do so much, like all of us. So maybe slow down a bit, take stock of what you have achieved this past year.

Has your therapy been helpful in unpicking possible root causes of your mental health issues ?

so sorry you're in this place. Not much advice but solidarity.

The only thing I can think of saying is that small children can really exacerbate tendencies towards anxiety etc. I only have one DC myself and find it incredibly hard, you must be so strong to cope with 3. Even though you probably think you're not coping - you are. Every day you get through, you're coping. And it does very slowly get easier as they get older.

It sounds really positive that therapy is helping so much. It sounds like you don't want out, you just need somebody understanding to be with you and support you through this. Feelings pass. Please reach out, if not DH then a sister or friend? I'm sure your family love you so much. Let somebody in.

Sorry you're feeling like this op.

It's great that you've got help and gone to therapy - I rang the Samaritans a few times when I was struggling and in crisis; they were really helpful and listened when I felt like I was alone - maybe you could give them a call?
There was also a great text service that I could text if I felt like I couldn't speak on the phone (I'll try to find the number for you)

Thank you all for your replies and kind words.

I've reached out so many times to numerous health professionals and whilst they are lovely, talking isn't fixing me. I don't know what's wrong with me. The big thing I'm struggling with is that I've lost all hope, nobody can help me, only I can help myself and I can't do that 😔 it's so lonely and heartbreaking when all you want to do is to reach out and beg for help but knowing there is nothing they can do anyway.

I'm struggling to sleep which isn't helping. I'm barely getting three hours a night and then I'm falling asleep in the day. I just want this all to go away, I'm not strong enough to keep going on.

I just wanted to say you are strong and you will get through this. Please don’t give up.

Does your GP know you're only sleeping 3 hours a night?

Everything seems so much worse this time of night. I wish I could help you. I know what it's like to struggle through every day feeling like there's no help for the constant pain. What meds are you on?

Please call the Samaritans, they will know of other organisations that can help you as well as be a listening ear when you are having really rough times like today.
Have you been referred for other therapies like CBD?
There are so many other things that the medical professionals could be referring you for. Unfortunately GP’s are so pushed they often just dish out medication when they don’t know what else to do.
Don’t give up hope, you won’t always feel like this and your children love you and need you xx

So I'm awake and exhausted. I asked for an hour in bed so I could get some extra sleep but my partner went downstairs and started swearing at all the kids because he's stressed. He does this every morning and I am sick to death of it. I've spoken to him time and time again and I know its because he does so much in comparison to me but it's not right to take that out on the kids. All I want to do is to go downstairs and scream at him but I can't do that either. I can't do this

I knew I should have ended my life last night. Now I have to deal with everything all day

And now he's just burst into tears, I ruin everything. I really do

Hey OP. You are not alone. I also have BPD, Bulimia Nervosa, OCD, Mixed Anxiety Disorder and ADD. Between 2013 and 2017 i was hospitalised repeatedly (medical and psych admissions). I want you to know that it DOES GET BETTER! At the end of 2018 i stopped taking all my medication in sheer defiance as i felt nothing helped and I have exhausted all therapy options in my area (postcode lottery). In February I received the ADD diagnosis and started new medication and my life has changed gradually for the absolute better, feeling more like a human etc. Recommend finding a medication that works well for you, DBT is gold standard therapy for BPD (unfortunately bpd diagnosis closes heaps of doors due to stigma and uneccesary over diagnosis etc) so if dbt is available in your area then push to get it! Its absolutely horrendous and i can relate exactly to what youre saying but please hold on and fight for yourself and ultimately your family. You can do it.

This is heartbreaking to read. Please do not think you are 'ruining everything'; you are unwell and need support that you cannot get from your partner alone.
One thing struck me - apart from your children you didn't mention other family members. Do you have parents who could help you? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, anyone? Your partner needs help too (although some of his reactions are inexcusable). Does he have family who might be able to help you both?
Wish I could reach out and help you myself.

@dominosflyfish I'm glad you got the correct medication! I've just finished dbt which has been amazing but it's not getting me through today. The kids are playing up and it's all too much. The stigma against bpd is awful, the way I've been treated when inpatient was awful 😔

@redrec, no honestly i do. Me and my partner was so happy, things were perfect but my mental health deteriated and my partner has gone from being a bubble sociable person who doesn't go out because he's scared to leave me in case I don't cope. I've ruined mine and his life and I know they'd all be better off without me now.

I've got my sister who tries to help but I text her this morning and her reply was she has things to do, she can't always come and help with the kids as she had them on new years eve for me. She came around and helped me clean the weak before. So like I've said so many times, people are sick of me asking for help they really are. His parents live next door but never help, they know of my mental health illnesses but they're too busy apparently. There is no one else who can help unfortunately. They'd all be so much happier with me gone

So, so sorry to hear the family are no help, especially his parents living right next door. That cannot help your situation one bit, having such a lack of support from them. I am trying to think of a better reply, but in the absence of that at the moment am sending you a massive virtual hug.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

How did things go today OP?

I noticed in your posts you often refer to ruining things, being a burden, taking up other people's time. Would you feel like this if you'd been diagnosed with a chronic illness, or a life-limiting/threatening illness? Your illness is just as real, even though as we all know many people still refuse to see mental ill health as an equivalent.

Such as shame your in-laws are not a source of comfort or practical help for your partner, their grandchildren or you. It seems quite cruel that they're just a short distance away, but are choosing to disengage from your lives. Let's hope they don't need help some day.