I just want out

[Anon8253]

I've suffered with mental illness for a long while but over the past 2 years, things took a drastic drop. After having my youngest, I was hospitalised several times for suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts. I have bpd, gad, depression and agoraphobia.

I've been in therapy for a year and it's helped massively, I haven't had any admissions for nearly a year now but I'm really struggling. I feel like I try so hard to keep my head above water but I can never keep it there for long, all that effort and it still leads to the same result. I have three kids, I know they need me. I can see that now but I don't think I can do it. My partner is wonderful, tries everything to help me but there is no magic wand that can fix it all. I've been sat downstairs for over an hour on my own, sobbing. I feel so alone, I can't bother my partner with my feelings as he always gets upset and I can't deal with that either as it just makes me feel guilty. I want so bad to be happy but it doesn't seem possible. I went to the Dr's today but they didn't care, gave me diazepam and sent me on my way. I suppose there's nothing they can do anyway. I've tried so many different medication and none of it has helped.

I feel so completely alone, I don't feel like this is ever going to get better. I've tried and tried, I feel like there is only one way out now but then I image my kids finding out I'm dead and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. It's never going to get any better and I can't keep going any longer

How are you, OP? I keep thinking about you and hoping things might be a bit better

I'm feeling a lot better today, still a little low and very snappy but I am on day 5 of not smoking, so I imagine that's the reason behind the snappiness. My monthly also arrived which may have something to do with my low mood.

I resent myself a lot for not being the person I always wanted to be. I feel very weak because in reality, I have working limbs, I'm not in excruciating physical pain, it's just my mind. Why can't I just change my mind and fix things, be a stronger person. If I wasn't so weak, I could do all these things I've wanted to do, I could be the parent my kids deserve but I'm weak.

My in laws are not reliable. They sometimes offer to have the kids and then forget about it or they have them once for 30 minutes and then not again for another 6 months. At the moment, my mil is drinking too much to even consider her safe. My partner does a lot for them but the favor is rarely returned 😔

You're not weak, you have an illness. That you did nothing to invite upon yourself.

I'm often very anxious before my period. It might be an idea to keep track so you can remind yourself it's hormones making me feel worse.

January is a terrible month for mental health too.

Well done on giving up cigarettes, that's amazing! Are you using anything to take the edge off?

So pleased to read your update OP.

You're not weak at all. Mental ill health is not caused by weakness, and it's not weakness that prevents a person from recovering.

You're sustaining a long term relationship and have three children, despite in laws next door who look to be not only unhelpful but possibly a liability! You've been brave enough to engage in long term therapy, try different medications and persist in getting the right help. That doesn't sound like someone who's weak and has given up.

In the midst of this you still have the capacity to consider how your partner, other family members and children might be affected by your struggles. Again, I would say that's a sign of strength, that despite everything you are still thinking of them.

You never know what others are struggling with in their lives. Lots of people are resentful about missed opportunities, bad luck, the hand they've been dealt. Some of this might be justified. But to resent yourself for mental health issues, that's very harsh. I can appreciate your sense of loss at the things you may have been unable to do or fully enjoy, but never blame yourself.

If it was simple to "just" change your mind there would be no call for psychological therapies or medications - but there's an enormous demand for them. I think intrinsically life is not easy, in fact I'm surprised that some people manage not to have some mental health issue going on! But I also think we're incredibly tough, and can withstand terrible things.

Hopefully now you've identified those two things that were making you feel really low you feel a bit easier. It's great that you're on your way to being a non-smoker, again that demonstrates real will power. Onwards and upwards for tomorrow.

Thinking of you OP.

@Anon8253 I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I always say hell is your own mind. I’ve just gotten over a very down period and I too felt I couldn’t go on. I was scared I wouldn’t find happiness. My OCD and intrusive thoughts were incredibly severe I just wanted everything to stop. I am telling you this because you are NOT alone even tho you feel so desperately alone.

Please call the Samaritans so they can listen to you without judgement. Please remember that the more you do (however little) the better you feel. For example , do the washing up. Have a shower. I know these probably sound like mammoth tasks, but they will help your mind. I would also suggest do something with your hands as it helps distract the mind. For example knitting.

I am sending you so much positivity. It will pass

Thinking of you OP. So much of what you have said rings true for me too. I hope you're feeling okay today x

Thank you so much everyone. I find it incredibly hard to sympathise with myself over mental health. I get very resentful that I've let it make me like this but that resentment doesn't get me very far. I did OK today, I got out of the house, I took the kids to the library and even did the school run which I struggle with a lot. I am still however feeling quite low and fed up. My youngest son has club foot and now has had a complication and will need to go back into a cast and at 2 years old he's going to hate that. My sleep is still all over the place and I just feel a little numb 😔

It’s so difficult to be kind to ourselves in normal circumstances , but I find I get very self destructive when I’m having a bad episode. I hate myself and for feeling the way I do. As you say it’s unhelpful and doesn’t help the depressed feelings to pass......and they will pass. Remember you haven’t let anything happen to you. Depression is an illness and it isn’t your fault.

I’m so glad you managed to get out of the house, great news, well done. I know it was an effort as I’ve been there. Please try and keep that momentum. Little things like that are so important.

Remember you’ve had a better day. Yes, you’re still feeling low, but look at what you wrote a few days before. There’s improvement. You may go back to feeling worse again, but now you KNOW you can feel better, even if it’s only slight.

Are there any triggers to these feelings? I have certain triggers I’ve found which I now try and avoid (although that’s a massive effort in itself).

I sincerely hope you start getting some help with the kids.

Poor little fellow.

Well done on the library. I have books that are due back and I didn't make it to the library today so you're one up on me.

Life with small children is hard anyway. Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself in general? To do everything right, if you know what I mean.

I gave that kind of pressure up because I know I'm not able, I just do what I can. The most important thing for me is to stay calm because anxiety can spiral out of control on me and then I can't do anything at all. So I don't try and pack too much in. Housework gets done as it gets done. Today or tomorrow doesn't matter. I subscribe to the 'everybody fed, nobody dead' way of thinking. Getting to the library is a bonus. Laundry basket not overflowing, bonus. Floor mopped, bonus.

As long as everyone is fed and happy enough I think it's a good day.

op just wanted to say hello and hope you are doing OK. I have a partner with significant mh issues and I see how frustrating it is for him. It's hard to watch from a partners perspective... You just want to make your loved one feel happy and well and when you can't you feel so helpless.
Mh is a fucker. I'm so sorry you're struggling

Still thinking of you.

Thank you all, you're all very lovely people.

I'm still very up and down, I feel an impending sense of doom, I know my moods are going to drop. I can feel myself spiralling and it gets me really scared. I'm trying to keep myself going, I took he kids to the park, only a little thing but it made them happy.

I wish I could be kinder to myself but I just don't know how. I try not to criticise myself too harshly but I know I can do.

I saw my cpn, i tried so hard to explain how I'm feeling but it went over her head. I think because I'm so good at putting up a front, people don't take me seriously. I'm not mad enough or ill enough and I find it really hard. Thank you again, I really do appreciate all of your support xxx

Did you have critical parents or high achieving parents or something? I'm really sorry you feel the way you do. It's very hard to love ourselves. Have you talked to anyone about you being too hard on yourself?

Not really, I grew up being told I'd never amount to much. I tried so hard to prove them wrong, completed my first year of my law degree with a distinction whilst having three kids but I've had to have a break this year as I was driving myself very ill. Now I feel like I am exactly what they said I would be. I've had a whole year of dbt therapy and it's been great with helping me deal with crisis etc but I feel it hasn't touched upon trauma or anything else really.

Really struggling today and it's only 5 am. Don't think I can do this anymore

anon8253 you're not alone. I have complex mental health issues, have been through the system so many times. Finally it seemed I had the right medication regime in 2017, I started to improve, make plans. And then, can, since September, a raft of new and frightening symptoms, getting worse and worse. Seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow as my usual one has just had to retire due to illness.
I am desperate and can't believe things are so serious again. I keep telling myself I've been really sick before and have gotten better. I'm repeating it in my head like a mantra!
So I'm thinking of you as I know how awful and desperate it can get. I also know it's possible to at least improve, even if you can't be cured.
I wish you strength and hope. It's a terrible feeling when you feel like a burden to your loved ones.
Keep telling yourself this is no more your fault than if you had asthma or diabetes or something physical where you needed help.
That's what my GP has just told me when I apologised for about the 20th time.
Best of luck. I'm sure you're a great mother and your kids adore you and soon you'll be able to see that for yourself. Don't give up.

I'm a complete mess right now so no help but wanted to say I know how hard it is to carry on everyday but don't give up

I'm so sorry your parents weren't kind and supportive, OP. The thing is, that's no reflection on you, but we all hear our parents' voices as inner voices.

Have you ever talked about them with a counsellor? I think you really have been suppressing trauma and pain. The thing is, the pain and hurt and grief just comes out as anxiety and depression if it's not dealt with.

You mentioned trauma - is there anything in particular you feel caused you a lot of hurt?

I struggle with the whole up and down effect of mental health. I'm so all over the place, things can go from great to suicidal very quickly. I know this is normal for people with borderline personality disorder but I really struggle to accept that this is my reality now. @Mummaofmytribe I really hope your appointment goes well, there is nothing worse than going from high to low 😔

@Queenofheartsnomore thank you, I'm sorry you're also struggling right now. Dont give up either

@Apileofballyhoo my parents could have been worse. I suppose they were fighting their own battles. My mum is very mentally unwell and both parents have always been alcoholics. Now I'm an adult, I have a better relationship with them both but I do have struggles due to my upbringing.

I have quite a lot of trauma relating to different things. The hardest one for me was my abusive relationship with my eldest father, he physically, emotionally and sexually abused me and despite the fact I have a very loving partner, I very much struggle with the memories and thoughts.

I'm seeing my cpn and my psychiatrist tomorrow. I don't really want my cpn there as she was really unhelpful last time but she made the appointment so I can't really ask her not to come. She doesn't listen to how low I am and she doesn't take it seriously. Whenever I've tried to explain things to my psychiatrist she always makes a point to disagree 😔

Well I just saw my new psychiatrist. Diagnosis bipolar type I. Devastated but I highly suspected it was the case, so did my HP. So now, new meds. Again. And I have been advised to defer my college application and have no stress for a while (on my life, avoiding stress will be a miracle. So disappointed about college as I was going to retrain. I haven't worked since I lost my son to suicide a few years ago and then my daughter made numerous suicide attempts so I was her carer until she finally became stable enough to move out eith my GC in 2018.
I am gonna need some time to process all this!

@Mummaofmytribe I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how awful that must be. The one brilliant thing about diagnosis is that you can get the correct help, my dad has bipolar and it's managed really well under the correct medication. I hope things really get better for you, mental health can make everything so hard, sending you lots of love ♥ xx

Anon8253that's so kind, thank you for your words. How are you feeling this morning? Your posts have resonated with me, and obviously plenty of other posters.
It's nice (Well no, it's sad, but you know what I mean!) to realise that you're not the freak/failure that you've been feeling, because there are other people in the same boat. Mental illness is so isolating and I think it's good to realise that it's not just you. Others are just the same. And we all have to keep going. Even if sometimes that means taking it your by your as you daren't look any further forward than that.
Good luck with your day

OP, your childhood sounds horrific. The alcoholism would be enough by itself to cause you to really struggle with your mental health, not to mind the abuse on top of that.

None of those things were your fault. Not one single tiny thing. Your parents completely failed as parents. I understand they are human beings and had their own problems but they still failed as parents and failed to protect you.

You're allowed to grieve and be sad and very upset and angry for that little girl. It could well be because you have a safe place now, a safe home with your supportive partner, the feelings are trying to come out.

Sometimes I think the trick is to give yourself time to grieve and cry and rage and then put that to one side for a bit and do something else.

You can't force the feelings to go away, but you can acknowledge them, and have them, and understand them.

There's nothing wrong with you, you're completely normal. You're having a completely normal reaction to a shocking childhood. You're not weak, you're strong. Look at all you've got through. Look at how you're still here, doing your best to break the cycle of crap parenting, be a super parent, getting help to come to terms with trauma, play with your kids and take them to the library even! What kind of superhero are you exactly? I am in awe.

I wish I could go back in time and protect you.

What a lovely post apileof

Op you have a similar childhood experience as my partner. He has similar struggles.

I don't think I can add anything more than what apileofballyhoo has said.
Thinking of you