Please help me - I'm frightened

[TheoriginalLEM]

I am starting to realise that the people I love will be better off without me. This is very scary because i don't want to die but I'm at best no use to anyone and actually a destructive force in so many ways.

Ive fucked up at work and could lose my job, my boss hates me and will be looking for an excuse to let me go.

My elderly mother is deteriorating and I'm failing as a "carer" but she is vile to me as she resents that I've got external help in the form of carers. This is impacting greatly on my relationship with dp as she is manipulating him and he's had enough.

I find myself being shitty to dd2. Dd1 has moved out (She's 29) and has mental health issues of her own.

I feel totally overwhelmed and I cannot keep up with anything. I'm a VERY mature student and I'm falling behind at college.

The job is the final straw my anxiety about making a mistake made me make the very mistake I was trying to avoid.

It's like I'm living a nightmare that all the things I'm dreading happening are slowly happening one by one.

I tried to call the dr the other day but couldn't get through. My phone kept cutting out but then when i did get through there were no appointments. This is a recurring nightmare (When asleep) that i cant make calls.

I'm so very scared I just want it to stop.

Anyone?

Sorry to hear this OP. Is there anyone you can trust to talk to about how you feel ?

Keep trying your doctors, you need to be seen. Ask them for an urgent appointment if you are feeling extremely low, they should be able to help you. Good luck and

Thank you for the reply. I don't have anyone - ive been such a burden on dp over the years that he goes cold on me when I'm struggling. It's not his fault. He loves me but can not cope when i get like this.

I feel so alone

Hey LEM sorry to read this
Please ring the Samaritans or email them

{{https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/?gclid=Cj0KCQiArdLvBRCrARIsAGhB_syLy-UtmcgK6_uBWMM51ACH5o9HLRP99LHAnUeuHjiEa1rrsSbgdHIaApBKEALw_wcB}}

I recognise you and care

Step back from mum a bit and look after you

Keep trying with the doctor
I get the feeling you don't like your job, can you start looking for something that you'd enjoy.
Can anyone else help with your mum, her friends, family?

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/?gclid=Cj0KCQiArdLvBRCrARIsAGhB_syLy-UtmcgK6_uBWMM51ACH5o9HLRP99LHAnUeuHjiEa1rrsSbgdHIaApBKEALw_wcB
Sorry shit link

Get hold of your Dr tell them you need an urgent appt. You’ve got an awful lot on your plate and you deserve support.

LEM, please don't think your family would be better off without you. They love you very much and it's hard for your DP to see you in pain, but he, and your DC need you in their lives.

Please call the Samaritans, and get an emergency GP appointment on Monday.

Look after yourself (I've seen you around on MN for many years (I've name changed today) and you're a fab person xxx

Joopy I actually love my job, but i dont like my job either - I'm also 2.75 years into a 3 yr qualification so quitting now is not reasonable. It's become quite a toxic environment and many people are leaving but it's moot- I've made the same mistake twice. So that's it.

I just can't believe I'm going to be dropping DP in the financial shit again, i hate myself so much just now.

There is only me to look after mum, she has pushed the rest of the family away. Although saying that they are old too and have their own lives. I'm an only child. She's very difficult and I resent her so much right now.

I need this to stop.

You are very important to those that love you.

You have worth and value.

Don't let these feelings get the better of you. They're another thing to fight I know but you can do it. You've already made a start by ringing the gp. Follow this through by getting an appointment, even just talking it through will be helpful.

They would not be better off without you.

I also suffer from severe mental illness and aren't particularly "useful" to anyone right now - you're doing a damn sight more than me!

Take each problem one at a time prioritising in terms of urgency.

First I'd get yourself some support and DON'T feel ashamed or wrong for doing so, that includes telling dp he needs to support you and not fall for any manipulation.

I'm not really a fan of Samaritans they make me feel worse!

But I have had good experiences with:

www.sane.org.uk/support

www.anxietyuk.org.uk

And

www.familylives.org.uk - for the daughter stuff.

Also if you call 111 they can put you in touch with mental health hcps urgently if needed.

And of course we're happy to listen and be a sounding board.

It sounds like you are having a really tough time.

What is your mothers health condition? Certain conditions can make patients combative, argumentative and not understand what's going on. Doesn't make her behaviour acceptable but might explain it. Older people also get fearful at dealing with "strangers" caring for them and that fear comes out as irritability.

Overwhelmed is not surprising.

What happened at work? Maybe it's not as bad as you fear? Maybe we can advise?

Adult children - I'm the LAST person can advise on that but I'm sure others can.

You are NOT alone. And it won't always be like this there will be points where things are easier even if that's hard to see right now.

You could also get support from carers support groups and charities.

If you're worried about dropping your dp in it regarding work imagine how much worse it would be if you weren't here anymore. He'd be devastated and so would your children and they would genuinely never recover from it.

Can you distract yourself with something? Anything?

Try and recognise too that when you are feeling this low you ARE achieving something just by keeping going. Fighting your own mind is the hardest thing ever and you're doing it and have been doing it for ages. This will ebb and flow but you can get through it.

LEM

I also recognise you from other threads

I really think that the root problem here is that your DM is draining you in every way, leaving you with nothing to spare for yourself or others.

You really need to have some respite from her.

Please contact your local authority for help with her and also local charities, for instance Age UK?

I'm sorry if my words aren't enough, sometimes there are no words

I have medication. I could double the dose but dp says that will make me zombiefied and more likely to fuck up. This is why I want to speak to the dr. I know i can double my dose - I'm on escitalopram 10mg but could go up to 20mg. I don't want to become even more away with the fairies though. I have a responsible job. Thankfully My fuck up didn't lead to any harm but still will cause an issue. But like I say its an excuse for my boss to out me.

I just feel like there is a cyclone in my head just now. I desperately want to talk to someone but i can't as dp will hear me.

Thank you so much for the replies, they are helping so so much

What works for me, when I have thoughts zooming around in my head, is to light a tealight, and just watch the flickering focus on my breathing and what it does to the candle flame as I breathe out and in.

By the time it burns out, my head is calmer, and things seem clearer. It doesnt solve anything, but it does give you a bit of a mental rest.

You can email Samaritans
Sometimes it helps to put it down

You must be feeling so overwhelmed.
People need you more than you think.
If you need to phone Samaritans and want to do so away from people please OP just take a second out and think of yourself for a second.
Please make that call.

Joyful - that is why I don't want to just double up but it's impossible to get an appointment.

Thank you so much for the replies. It's helping to know people care.

I wish my dad was still alive