Please help me - I'm frightened

[TheoriginalLEM]

I am starting to realise that the people I love will be better off without me. This is very scary because i don't want to die but I'm at best no use to anyone and actually a destructive force in so many ways.

Ive fucked up at work and could lose my job, my boss hates me and will be looking for an excuse to let me go.

My elderly mother is deteriorating and I'm failing as a "carer" but she is vile to me as she resents that I've got external help in the form of carers. This is impacting greatly on my relationship with dp as she is manipulating him and he's had enough.

I find myself being shitty to dd2. Dd1 has moved out (She's 29) and has mental health issues of her own.

I feel totally overwhelmed and I cannot keep up with anything. I'm a VERY mature student and I'm falling behind at college.

The job is the final straw my anxiety about making a mistake made me make the very mistake I was trying to avoid.

It's like I'm living a nightmare that all the things I'm dreading happening are slowly happening one by one.

I tried to call the dr the other day but couldn't get through. My phone kept cutting out but then when i did get through there were no appointments. This is a recurring nightmare (When asleep) that i cant make calls.

I'm so very scared I just want it to stop.

My DP does support me but cannot cope with emotional stuff.

I'm sorry to those of you who are dealing with MH issues. It's just shit

Hi Lem, I hope your work situation isn’t as bad as you think. Anxiety has taken my mind to some very scary places too 😔 Increasing my medication, talking to a therapist and learning to meditate have all helped though. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ve got a lot going on right now. Hope you manage to get a GP appointment and get some support - you deserve it xxx

Just here to say hello and send love and support. Have you listened to your voicemail yet? I totally understand the feeling of dread that accompanies this sort of anxiety but if you can force yourself to do it, you may have a better idea of what your situation is.

I hope you can get a GP appointment soon - I moved from Citalopram to Fluoxetine and it changed my life. Have you mentioned suicidal thoughts when trying to get through? I know it's hard but it might enable them to prioritise you.

Whatever today brings, it will happen and then be in the past and you can focus on what comes next.

Hi LEM I'm another who changes names and recognises you.

I have a DH who can't deal with emotional support at all - literally walks straight out of the room if I needed any. Mention this to your dr when you get the appointment because it's so important. There's an assumption that your partner is at least decently, if not perfectly, there for you, but having a partner who isn't when you need it is worse than being alone. Alone you're not emotionally rejected at home. Being lonely near someone can be worse than actually being alone.

And can you get any help from the institution you're studying through? Maybe not but there's often some kind of student support?

Rio sounds great by the way, as does the decked tree. If you're not going there, I may. Or maybe I'll see you there!

I woke up one Sunday morning in such a bad way mentally (after weeks of everything going wrong and building up to a breakdown). I didn't know what to do at all, then looked at 111 online. I filled in the questions, pressed send, and very quickly after had a call back from them.
Absolutely lovely man calmed me down and got me help straight away at an out of hours doctor. I hope you can get help soon

At drs now my Dr is away, just had total meltdown at work

You’re in the right place, let us know how you get on xx

Well done sweetie, things will start to improve now. Cooperate with the medics.

I hope they were helpful and you have a plan now to move forward. Wishing you the very best.

Hope dr was helpful and you're doing better now. Look after yourself and take the time you need to do so

I hope you are being supported and feeling more positive.

I've seen you posting previously, and recall the awful pressure you are under from an abusive and ungrateful mother. I hope you've spoken with your GP about this and that they can help you find a way to break out of awful responsibility.

There's an awful lot of people on MN who 'know' you, and who care.

Hope things are improving

Hope you are ok Lem

Thank you so much everyone.

I walked into work this morning and completely melted down. Everyone was so lovely to me. I haven't spoken to my boss yet as he wasn't in today but folk rallied round me and I think it's going to be ok. If it isn't I hopefully will find the strength to fight my corner.

Didn't see my own Dr but saw her registrar who was actually lovely. I have increased my medication, i spoke about changing but she said it would likely be a difficult transition.

I feel better for having a bloody good cry. I wish I could do that with dp but i have to hold it back.

Was a bit spaced out at work today but i think due to tiredness rather than the meds. Thankfully it was not busy.

I just want to say thank you to everyone you have been so kind xx

So glad you’re feeling better.

Fabulous x

OP I recognise you from so many threads! Please stick with us . We can help you through this .

You are so brave OP. I've read you thread with tears in my eyes. So pleased your colleagues have been supportive.

How long is it until your line manager comes back from holiday?

Mumsnet can be a fantastic outlet for a rant you are not alone and you do matter

Bless you. I hope the meds help. Sometimes you do need a bloody good cry. But that can itself leave you feeling washed out and exhausted. Be kind to yourself.

So glad your feeling better Lem.

Well done

So glad everyone was lovely.
Glad you got a Drs appt and hope the increased meds kick in soon.
Sending you good wishes LEM.

So so so glad you had a good experience with the dr and are getting help and that work people are being supportive.

Such a relief to read that!

Is there anyone in real life you CAN cry on their shoulder?

I'm bad myself for avoiding contacting people when I'm low as I feel bad bumming them out. But some get annoyed with me for doing that as they'd rather I got in touch even if only to cry down the phone! My mums always telling me off for cutting myself off.

Certainly the various helplines don't mind - I've used them when I've needed to vent!

Please post if you find it helpful I'm certainly more than happy to empathise and listen and I'm sure others are too - it's one of the great strengths of mn there's always someone about!

Just to say - I always dream about not being able to make calls (can't dial the number ect...) too! Must be an anxiety dream.

Anyway, it sounds like your mum is the main issue. Nasty people drain us and in our depleted state, life's other problems seem much worse. You don't owe cruel people squat. You don't need to excuse them because they are old/sick/family. Protect yourself and your relationship and leave as much to the carers as pos.

Really glad to hear that and that’s one of my anxiety dreams too - not being able to dial a number 😩 😂