Please help me - I'm frightened

[TheoriginalLEM]

I am starting to realise that the people I love will be better off without me. This is very scary because i don't want to die but I'm at best no use to anyone and actually a destructive force in so many ways.

Ive fucked up at work and could lose my job, my boss hates me and will be looking for an excuse to let me go.

My elderly mother is deteriorating and I'm failing as a "carer" but she is vile to me as she resents that I've got external help in the form of carers. This is impacting greatly on my relationship with dp as she is manipulating him and he's had enough.

I find myself being shitty to dd2. Dd1 has moved out (She's 29) and has mental health issues of her own.

I feel totally overwhelmed and I cannot keep up with anything. I'm a VERY mature student and I'm falling behind at college.

The job is the final straw my anxiety about making a mistake made me make the very mistake I was trying to avoid.

It's like I'm living a nightmare that all the things I'm dreading happening are slowly happening one by one.

I tried to call the dr the other day but couldn't get through. My phone kept cutting out but then when i did get through there were no appointments. This is a recurring nightmare (When asleep) that i cant make calls.

I'm so very scared I just want it to stop.

I think it's worth trying different medication. It does take a bit of effort finding the right one but when it works it's worth it.

I'm on 20mg citalopram after a few false starts and it's really helped. I also keep a few propranolol for times that are particularly stressful.

Mental health can be a fucker but it's you against it, and you can overcome the low points with the right help.

Been on escitalopram for two years was on citalopram 40mg for about 9 years.

I feel at the end of my rope which actually feels like a releif. Like there is a way out if that makes sense. Right now it hurts too much.

My DD though 😥

Hi, LEM.

I recognise you and I care. I've never met you in RL but if you weren't around I'd miss you. I can't even fathom the effect it would have on your DD. Please keep fighting, not just for her sake but for yours too. You are important, you matter.

As far as your mother goes, I'm a carer. I see so many people like you. Don't be ashamed and don't be alone. Reach out to your mother's carers. Believe me, they will be happy to support you emotionally. Perhaps, if you Google a bit, there is a carer's network or support group local to you could reach out to for RL support.

And for the job. Pfft, it's not a big deal. I get that it feels like it is but honestly, it's not. You might not lose your job and if you do, so fucking what. Look at how much you've achieved already. You're almost all the way through a pretty hefty sounding qualification.That's amazing. Chat to your training provider and see what they suggest. I'm certain there will be another way to complete your qualification either through the training provider or via another placement.We all make mistakes, we wouldn't be human otherwise.

((((hugs)))

Escitalopram is the mildest anti depressant and 10mg is a very low dose. It sounds like you need something stronger so yes, definitely keep trying the doctors or go to out of hours/walk in centre and ask to see the crisis team.

I've tried all the SSRI anti depressants over the last 20 years and since being on Duloxetine (SNRI - strongest available) it's made a massive difference. Anti depressants affect everyone differently but I'd definitely recommend asking your doctor if you can try it. Particularly as Duloxetine is one of the only ones which work pretty much instantaneously.

Your daughters do need you.
When you said how you wish your Dad was still alive, that kind of back up and support from a parent is how they feel about you.

It is awful to feel so low that you don't want to be here but things can't improve once you're gone. You can keep going for a bit longer and do call 111 to ask to speak to the Crisis Team. Unless you have a direct number, in which case please give them a call.

I am starting to realise that the people I love will be better off without me. This is very scary because i don't want to die

Hey Lem, you know you dont have to die. If you want to leave them so they'd be better off you can just leave and go somewhere else. I hear Rio is nice at this time of year.💃

Or there's my mum's garden, where you can hang out with her squished tail squirrel and some other random wildlife. She'll leave food on the window sill and has a weird very tiny decking around a tree at the bottom of the garden that's sheltered and private. I've no idea why she decked the tree at the bottom of the garden, but there you go. People do weird shit sometimes.🤷‍♀️

Or you could stay in my shed because it doesnt have a lock and I probably wouldn't notice because I am mostly oblivious.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

Hiya..
You are so so brave. The very fact that you have reached out to "strangers" for help and guidance is the first and bravest step.
My circumstance was kind of similar in certain ways...
I had PND after both my both my boys. After the first (when he was 5/6 months) I felt suicidal and couldn't cope, I loved my son but I was a mess. I was prescribed Lexipro, may as well have been taking smarties... Then I fell pregnant on my second son... 17 months between them...
When my second was 5/6 months old, I hit that wall again, super hard. I was on 80mg of Effexor. It actually helped so much. I hate the stigma attached to antidepressants.
After a while I was feeling myself again and had come off the meds... Then my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer...
I'm the eldest of 4 and the only daughter. I was her full time carer, with 2 small kids.
I hit the drink hard... I often rang the Samaritans in the early hours, drunk, just to offload and someone always listened. They couldn't give me answers but just be able to vocalise what was going on in my head, helped so much...
I felt so alone and isolated. Nobody understood how hard it was. Sure, some of her sisters popped by to "help" but it was me that had to get in the shower and wash her, me that had to dry and dress her, me that had to inject her and keep on top of her meds.
Entertain visitors, keep her house and mine tidy, and look after my own 2 boys...
Then she died.. 6 months after being diagnosed. I was distraught.
I eased off the booze but found out that, people were talking behind my back about, how I was drinking so much etc. And do you know what hurt the most.... that while they were mouthing about me, not once, did any of them ask me if I was ok.... How I was coping or feeling... I eventually told them all this and they felt awful...
It's been 4 years since she passed and it still hurts like fuck. It always will but I have learned, over time, to always think positive.
I could never do away with myself, I wouldn't have my boys grow up, thinking their mam wasn't strong and couldn't cope.
Yes, I still suffer with anxiety and yes I still feel very low at times, but, what I've trained myself to do, is remind myself how lucky I am.
I get to wake up every morning, with a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to put on my back and a fire to keep me warm.... (I also have 2 amazing, healthy and beautiful boys, and a partner of almost 15 years) I'm doing a hell of a lot better than so many right now, who are homeless or live in temporary accommodation.
I'm not loaded with money but I get by. I've started to appreciate the simpler things in life and realise how lucky I am.
A job is not the be all and end all... You have other options, always... But you have a place in this world and people want you here and love you.
I understand, that you just want the dark phase to pass and it absolutely will.
So please, just hang on in there and know that there is always someone there to listen, support and help you and I promise you, one day you will start to feel better.... You are doing amazing.
🙈 Sorry if that was a load of waffle!! I think it actually helped me too, to write it all down and put it out there...xxx

@TheoriginalLEM babe you are fine. You will do fine. Take your mind away from the medicine. It won’t fix anything. I can see your main concern is to help everyone but do do so, you need to help yourself first. Your dd2 needs a mama in full shape! Your dd1 is an adult and you can only be a caring listening ear. You love your mon but you need the carers. You only have 24 hours in a day, like all of us! Like Jesus hd for god sake! You fucked up at work? We all did! this qualification will help you in the future. What matters now is YOU! Go take a bath. Put some cream all over. Massage you face. Put oil on your hair and braid it. Then go to bed. Tomorrow, take care of DP, then DD. And tackle the rest one by one. You only have 24 hours a day. We all filed family members, we all fucked up at work. Life keeps going. Love ❤️

Morning LEM
💓
Today will be a better day

@DioneTheDiabolist I read your post like

Rio indeed!!! Don't you know I'm scared of flying?! ( obviously)

Your mum's garden sounds nice though - I love squirrels.

Thankyou for the nonsense it made me smile.

Am still feeling pretty shit to be honest. We are supposed to be putting the Christmas tree up today and I can't muster an ounce of enthusiasm. That may have to come out of a bottle ( I'm drinking way to much but was sober last night).

In the reality of day i think there would need to be due process before i got sacked. The mistake had mitigation but ultimately caused by my anxiety. I just feel that if I try and explain to my boss he would use that as an excuse to out me.

The irony - I'm the mental health first aider at work so can't go and have a chat with myself.

I have to get through today. Then face the music at work tomorrow. I'm actually scared of my boss which has contributed to further anxiety.

There are already two voice mails on my phone which I'm too scared to open.

TB you did your mum proud. I wish I had half your strength

Glad I made you smile Lem. Sometimes a shift in focus is good. And a reminder other options are available. My mums garden, my shed, Rio (you could stow away on a boat, pack a big picnic, it's a long way), or go back to the doctor. I know you are reluctant to up your medication but sometimes a break from feelings is beneficial and different medication can be discussed.

Take care today. And tomorrow. I wish you strength and love.💞

Hi @TheoriginalLEM

Are there any other Mental Health First Aiders you can talk to? We have them at my work. It’s such a great initiative.

Secondly, the fact your workplace has them, would I hope, mean it would be much much harder for your boss to use your anxiety as a wag to get rid of you. But of course, you’d need to speak to him about it contributing to the mistake. But I really would hope that it wouldn’t be as bad as you’re thinking.

Open the voice mails - they'll be preying on your mind anyway and these things are rarely as bad as we fear. And even if it is the sooner you know what you're dealing with the more time you have to put a plan in action.

Knock the drinking on the head if you can I'm sure you already know it makes anxiety and depression and insomnia worse

Tortoise there is another, however she is the biggest gossip ive ever met so i wouldn't trust her. I can however contact MHFA from otherbranches and I'm considering it.

I will try and get an appointment tomorrow and discuss my medication. I function on.a default of a knot of anxiety in my stomach. It is exhausting.

Reading your message it sounds like your mum is putting a huge strain on you and interestingly others have left her . Caring is a v hard job with the person being mean . Im sure many people on here will tell you how hard it is . Time to think of you and your family, get carers in and reduce yr stress in all elements of your life

Sick to my stomach at the thought of work tomorrow. Not sure I can hold it together

Could you not call in sick and use the time to try and get a doctors appointment?
You're a carer, you've a family, you're studying and working. You've so much going on right now. You need to put yourself first

@theoriginalLEM I’ve name changed a few times on MN, but have often seen your posts to others and now much you help them.
Your family would be devastated to discover you’re feeling like this.

Please listen to the others. Call the Samaritans, contact Mind, and (metaphorically) throw everything you can into the mix when you call the surgery tomorrow. You need to get sorted.

Mention to the GP about your DM in case there is extra help that can be found for you or your mum.

Having a plan is a good thing.

Hang on in there LEM.

I recognise your name. I care too.
Thinking of you tomorrow.
Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication. Worth talking to the GP re a switch or change of dose?
It sounds like the job and your mother and everything is just draining you. Who’s there for you?

LEM I am so sorry, I feel exactly the same at the moment and I don’t even have the mum situation to deal with. No answers as I am in the same boat but we need to hang on for our children xx

@TheoriginalLEM - totally understand about not wanting to speak to the other MHFA if they are a gossip. Definitely worth thinking about the one in the other branch though. If you can face work.
Could you pull a sickie - there are a lot of bugs going round at the mo - and try and get an emergency GP appointment to go and speak to someone.
Another good suggestion upthread re Mind.
Thinking of you.

What time is your meeting tomorrow Lem?

No meeting scheduled which is worse.

I think I've had about three hours sleep since Friday. Exhausted but wired. A sickle is out of the question. As is being signed off - frowned upon big time.

I told dp I might lose my job he doesn't like my job . He thinks low pay, high stress usnt worth it but it's all I can do.

Anxiety has stolen two jobs for me in the past if i lose this one I'm broken. I'm 5/6ths of my way through training and it has all been for nothing.

I just seem to be on a loop of fuck ups. I feel stupid and humiliated.

My line manager is on holiday, she would have supported me.

I'm so so scared.

Handheld here. I have severe mental health issues too. I have no sage advice, just wanted to offer support. I know what it's like when the world feels like it's collapsing.
You will get there. You need an emergency appointment. I didn't start coping till I was on the right meds. Took a while. Very tough (understatement).
Your family would never be better off without you. Believe me, one of my AC died by suicide and I'm still devastated several years later.
You can, like me, have suicidal thoughts. But remind yourself you don't have to ACT on a thought.
Please ring for help. You are deserving of support. And if DP is so unsupportive, he's not so 'D" is he? You can't help being unwell.
Don't let him overhearing put you off making a call.
Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. You're really going through it now and you have to put yourself first. Sod work. They have to go through due process to sack you and you're not we'll. That's what caused the mistake. The sooner you see a doctor who can write a letter to that effect, the better.