Please help me - I'm frightened

[TheoriginalLEM]

I am starting to realise that the people I love will be better off without me. This is very scary because i don't want to die but I'm at best no use to anyone and actually a destructive force in so many ways.

Ive fucked up at work and could lose my job, my boss hates me and will be looking for an excuse to let me go.

My elderly mother is deteriorating and I'm failing as a "carer" but she is vile to me as she resents that I've got external help in the form of carers. This is impacting greatly on my relationship with dp as she is manipulating him and he's had enough.

I find myself being shitty to dd2. Dd1 has moved out (She's 29) and has mental health issues of her own.

I feel totally overwhelmed and I cannot keep up with anything. I'm a VERY mature student and I'm falling behind at college.

The job is the final straw my anxiety about making a mistake made me make the very mistake I was trying to avoid.

It's like I'm living a nightmare that all the things I'm dreading happening are slowly happening one by one.

I tried to call the dr the other day but couldn't get through. My phone kept cutting out but then when i did get through there were no appointments. This is a recurring nightmare (When asleep) that i cant make calls.

I'm so very scared I just want it to stop.

@TheoriginalLEM - how are you this morning? Hope you’ve slept a little better.

Sorry you had a meltdown at work, but maybe this has shifted things in the right direction... so you’ve been to the GP and work are being a bit more supportive towards you.

I spent the weekend on a course at a local Buddhist centre recently dealing with Anxiety. It’s been SO helpful. No “woo” or religious teaching of any sort, but lots of exercises to combat our thinking patterns and try and shift the panic in our systems. It’s been good to come away with a toolbox of stuff I can delve into when it all starts to go tits up.

PM me if you’re interested. It wasn’t expensive.

That does sound interesting, i have been on a similar course for people with bpd (I don't have an actual diagnosis but my Dr suggested it) it was really useful. I do like Buddhist philosophy (but know diddly squat!).

I needed the outburst! I had a couple of moments of self doubt yesterday but managed to bat it away - meds??

At college today, behind with my assignment (well where I wanted to be with it!) . Maybe we'll go for drinks afterwards.

Mum is being mum - I'm trying to practice eye rolling.

Thank you for checking in on me. I'm actually overwhelmed by people's kindness this week

You can perfect the eye roll LEM! Good on you. Good luck with the assignment and I hope you enjoy a couple of drinks out if you get the chance.

Thats the closest MN gets to an eye roll!

You sound a bit better today. Glad you are no longer heading in a southerly direction, LEM... for the time being anyway.

Yes, PM me if you want details. I'm in the SE.

Glad you're doing better. Mums are good at making us practice eye rolls although I must say mines actually been quite supportive lately.

I was always last minute Minnie with assignments but somehow would get them done - the ones I occasionally did in plenty of time had much lower marks! It's incredibly stressful but I seem to write better under pressure.

Are you feeling a bit calmer now?

I also did a retreat years ago, not a Buddhist one but incredibly peaceful and calm and restorative.