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Original poster

I'm ready for the end

56 replies

JustBex · 25/09/2019 14:33

Hi, I'm not hoping to achieve much by writing this I just need to be heard I think.
Anyhow I think I'm done, I really do feel like I'm ready for it all to be over. I just don't see the point in me.
I doubt I'd be missed hugely, my stepson wouldn't even notice I was gone until he wanted something and whilst my partner would he'd move on quick enough. The only one who would miss me would be the dog and I'm sure even he would be better having someone else look after him. I just feel so pointless and empty, but most of all ready to go.
Sorry to be a drag but I guess I just needed to see if seeing it in writing changed how I felt.

OP posts:
alwayscauseastir · 25/09/2019 14:41

I don't have any advice other than to see your GP, and to send you Thanks

Rose87777 · 25/09/2019 14:42

@JustBex, this is so upsetting to read. Are you being supported by any mental health teams? Sorry if this is stating the obvious but you sound extremely depressed. Please know that you matter x

alwayscauseastir · 25/09/2019 14:42

Sorry posted too soon. There is always a point in everyone, feeling this way isn't normal and I'm sure there would be lots of support networks out there who will be willing to listen xx

MNHQ
soniamumsnet · 25/09/2019 15:12

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

CharlieBubbles88 · 25/09/2019 16:04

I am sorry you are feeling like this but you won't always. There is a lot of people and organisations who will be able to offer you the help you need.

Please know that while you may not feel like it, the impact of you not being here would effect so many people in so many ways, but I understand that with the way you feel right now you won't be able to see that.

cheezy · 25/09/2019 16:08

How does it feel, to see it written down? Does it change anything? Is what you’ve written the absolute truth, or are you looking at things through a gloomy filter do you think?

Potentialmadcatlady · 25/09/2019 16:12

Op.. three years ago I felt exactly the same. I was done. Not sure how I did it but I kept going,min by min, hour by hour at first then afternoon by afternoon. Now I take it day by day or if I’m feeling good week by week.
I hear you and I understand. I’m not going to tell you it will all be flowers in the garden and wonderful but you can keep going.. little by little... min by min.. I did it by getting some grief counselling from a lady who let me feel it was ok not to feel ok but who gave me some ways of getting through the days... now I’m a little better I have much better coping methods and I have also learnt to look after myself much better esp on bad days.

You can do this and you can see the beauty in life again.. I truely understand it doesn’t feel like it but you can.. you can do this..

cheezy · 25/09/2019 20:08

What are you up to tonight OP? How are you feeling?

Original poster
JustBex · 25/09/2019 21:12

Thank you all for your messages. I'm sorry to have been the cause of any upset.

Tonight @cheezy I'm just watching the football with my OH. Writing it down still made it seem like it was the way to go, however just been taking it minute by minute as suggested by another poster (sorry I'm rubbish with names or how tag people on here, sorry. I'm not trying to be rude) and also the thought that if I end things my puppy won't understand why his Mum hasn't come home ( this puppy has big attachment issues) I know it's silly to be so committed to a dog but he is my little pal.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustBex · 25/09/2019 21:12

@Potentialmadcatlady thank you. Minute by minute it is for now xx

OP posts:
Original poster
JustBex · 25/09/2019 21:14

@alwayscauseastir @Rose87777 @soniamumsnet @CharlieBubbles88 @cheezy @Potentialmadcatlady thank you all for taking the time to message. Sorry if I upset anyone.

OP posts:
AnxietyForever · 25/09/2019 21:14

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
Definitely visit your GP, there's people out there who can help you x

MysweetAudrina · 25/09/2019 21:22

My sd came home from Canada after being there for a year. Her dog looked and waited for her every day. Her mother had to put the dog on doggy prozac she was so upset with her not being there. The dog was so excited when she came home.

Your sd is no different to most children, mine are only nice when they want something but the older ones now give back alot even my sds.

Does your partner know how you feel? Are there any things you get enjoyment from ?

Thinking of you.

icarriedawatermelon81 · 25/09/2019 21:22

Yes- live for that puppy for now. Make it all about the puppy until you feel stronger. Whatever it takes to keep stepping forwards.

Take things 5 minutes at a time if necessary. Get some help.

CharlieBubbles88 · 25/09/2019 21:23

No upset caused, well not to me anyway.

The above poster is right. These things can be helped and you deserve it. Please keep posting if you feel the need to.

I’m sure it’s not only your puppy that would be upset and wouldn’t understand. And it’s not silly, dogs are wonderful animals and like you are committed to them, they are committed to you

I cannot pretend to understand what you are going through but I have recently had an experience on the other side of it and I didn’t want to read and run.

I know things are hard for you know but with help and support it will eventually become easier x

peachgreen · 25/09/2019 21:31

Absolutely nothing silly about being so committed to your pup, OP. You're his whole world and he loves you unconditionally. That's a very, very good reason to be alive, I think.

Keep talking to us - see your GP and be honest about how you're feeling. There is help out there, I promise. I was interrupted in a suicide attempt 18 months ago and now, thanks to the right support and medication, I'm happier than I've ever been. Help is out there and you deserve it.

CherryPavlova · 25/09/2019 21:38

Yes, your dog does need you and loves you. Minute by minute sounds a sensible way to keep going until you can speak to your GP. That should be first thing tomorrow as an emergency appointment.

Nights can be long and lonely. The Samaritans have people who care and who will listen around the clock. tel:116 123
If the minute by minute isn’t working call them. If you feel like you are losing the minute by minute control, call an ambulance.

You are with your husband? Does he realise how you’re feeling?

Rose87777 · 25/09/2019 21:38

No upset caused OP. What I meant by “upsetting to read” is just that it’s awful to think someone is out there who genuinely feels this undervalued. Please please get help whilst taking things one minute at a time. If appropriate see a counsellor. Not the same I realise but: I did for serious anxiety and it was the best thing I ever did.

Hugs Flowers

Original poster
JustBex · 25/09/2019 21:43

@MysweetAudrina yes I told my OH today how I was feeling as all I've done all day is cry. He's only recently come back from his own mental health issues. I've explained to him that I feel completely exhausted and just so tired of it all.
In the last three years I've lost both my Grandparents who I was extremely close to, my Mum has had breast cancer, my OH has been signed off of work for the past 9 months so all the financial commitments have fallen to me, my SS lives with us and is becoming increasingly difficult, my SD's live 5 hours away but the eldest one is very ill and in and out of hospital so we are up and down the motorway frequently.
He's actually been surprisingly good since I spoke to him as he is often pretty self centred.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustBex · 25/09/2019 21:44

Thank you all again xx

OP posts:
CharlieBubbles88 · 25/09/2019 22:07

I’m glad you have told your OH how you’re feeling. Sometimes these things aren’t as obvious to others as you may think. I’m glad you have opened up, it’s a really good step in the right direction, as is posting here.

It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time lately and it’s bound to take its toll. But these are all people you care about who will care deeply for you in return. And from the sounds of it you seem to be a big support to a lot of people however draining and tiring that may be. It’s okay to take a step back if you need to, you can’t look after and support others without taking care of yourself first

Just to echo what PP have said give your GP a call tomorrow, I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised at how understating they will be x

Potentialmadcatlady · 25/09/2019 22:17

I’m glad you are here and talking...trust me min by min works.. sometimes you just have to concentrate on your next breath then the next then the next...then you are at one min and ready to get through the next min...
I took my dog everywhere in my car with me when I had to drive for a while- I wouldn’t ever have hurt him so taking him in the car meant I had to stay safe... hang unto to your dog , he will ground you... look into mindfulness and you might find some things that help,some of it is 🙄🙄 but some of it is really useful.... when I start to panic I use the five things I can see, four I can hear, three I can touch etc and it can help...I was taught that I had to learn to self care- I was also going through a dreadful time due to deaths and having to look after elderly relatives etc and it was eventually too much and I broke. A bucket will only hold so much water before it overflows and what we need to keep doing is to find ways to release some of the water little by little so we can keep the rest in...
another thing I was taught that suicide doesn’t get rid of the pain... what it does it move your pain unto someone else... that was something I clung unto- I couldn’t bare to put the pain I was feeling unto someone else or infact my dog so I had to find ways to carry the pain myself. Finding ways was my key- once I learned to self care I found that I was starting to cope less min by min and more day by day then week by week. Then when I had some breathing space I realised I could get through the days better and cope with the awfulness better. I’m still dealing with all the problems but now I have ways to cope with them. It’s called ‘riding the waves’ and trusting you will survive the choppy waters and eventually the waves get just a little further apart and you learn to float with them rather than fight them..
sorry for my waffle but I really hope it helps a little

Original poster
JustBex · 25/09/2019 22:40

@Potentialmadcatlady thank you. Like you I take the puppy with me everywhere because I'd never hurt him. Just thank you for your time

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 25/09/2019 23:12

Your welcome...he sounds like a lucky puppy to have you as a Mum

bubbalikescandy · 25/09/2019 23:18

Please go to your gp. I felt like this once. I started medication and for the first two weeks I felt worse, but then it was like a cloud lifted and I was able to deal with things. Don't give up on you x

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