I feel suicidal all the time

[wombatsandaplant]

Thought I’d start a thread here as I like to have somewhere to write down a few things and this way is easiest.

I had a thread running on another forum, but they removed it because it was inappropriate for a forum. All it was was a support thread but oh well. Clearly mental health issues are inappropriate for public.

Anyways, I have a lot of input from mental health services, so on that front I’m good. I just feel fucking terrible all the time though. I always have my suicide plan up to date and ready to go. I have so many attempts it’s ridiculous. I have psychosis and severe depression, anxiety, ocd.

Today I feel awful, I’ve had a three hour nap, and I’ve been in bed all day. I just can’t see it getting any better, things just keep getting worse.

Have you been to the doctor recently? Are you taking your medication(s)?
Do you have any children?
You say you have a “suicide plan”.
So what is on your ‘life plan’ today (besides napping)? Have you eaten anything? Have you had a shower?
Sorry you’re having a rough time.

Yeah I saw him on Wednesday and I see him again on Tuesday. Yeah I take them religiously.

I don’t have kids
I had lunch and tea, I’ve not showered in like a week.

My plan today, survive to bed time pretty much it.

Thank you,

Hi there wombatsandaplant,

Sorry to hear things are so difficult at the moment. It sounds really hard.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as others will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Thinking of you

Not having a good day today. I just feel so down and depressed. Just so low. I can’t change either of my anti depressants as my suicide risk is too high and they don’t want to make me any worse. The antipsychotics aren’t totally working either. It’s just a bloody nightmare. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday, so gonna keep telling him everything.

Well done taking your meds & keeping your appointments!
Have you been these specific meds or this combination very long?
You’ve been dealing with this stuff long enough to know it can take quite a few weeks to see what helps.

Have you watched any good shows today? Eaten anything? Hopped in the shower maybe?

Thanks. I’ve been on this combination since May but the dose of the antipsychotic has just been increased last week, so that’ll take a few weeks to work properly. It’s starting to make a slight difference.

I’ve been watching will and grace. And I showered and I’ve had lunch.

Today has been a bit better, I’ve been to the beach with one of the dogs (the other was with the dog walker).

Lucky you! The beach!
Have you had your dogs since they were puppies?
Good on your shower & lunch. Does the napping ever mess up sleeping at night, or do your meds make you drowsy then regardless?

Bless you @wombatsandaplant here to talk if you want too x

@HugoAvril

Thanks. Yes, one is 12 and the other is 3 and half months. Napping doesn’t mess my sleep up at all, I always sleep 10-12 hours regardless of any naps.

I’m hoping in 5 years I can say similar, I just don’t know right now. But glad to hear things can change, that always helps a bit, thanks, glad you’re doing better now.

Things can change a lot in 5 years. Even in 1 year.
Sometimes it is very much a “big picture- little picture” thing.

Did you like Debra Messing in The Mysteries of Laura also?

Ive not seen the mysteries of Laura, I’ll have to google at some point.

I’m really really struggling with self harm urges right now. All I want to do is self harm. I’ve not given in yet though, Im planning on doing it soon though I think. It’s inevitable tbh, but gonna try not too.

Please don’t hurt yourself.
Is something specific bothering you today?

I’m trying super hard not too. I don’t think so, just having a not good day I think, but tomorrow is new, hoping it will be better. Thanks.

Have you done anything fun today? Maybe baked something? Maybe gave both dogs a bath- at the same time?

I’ve been to my brothers flat today with my dad to help build furniture. The only place I can go without someone else is the hospital, so sometimes it’s nice going out to places with someone.

I’m struggling with voices and with them trying to contact me through the tv and through adverts on the internet. I wish they would just go away and leave me alone but they won’t. I’m being attacked from all sides it’s a nightmare.

Hi wombatsandaplant, you've done brilliantly today. Tolerating the voices can be so challenging but you've got insight, you seem to know they're part of what the TV and Internet advertising does, it sends messages to people. They are info-based communication media, and to survive in the marketplace they have to try and convince people of things. If you and me were sitting watching the same programme, the actual words and images would basically be the same but maybe my mind would do different stuff with it compared to what your mind does with it? For example, say it was Corrie and Rita was saying to another character something like, "You've really disappointed me, I trusted you and you've really let me down." Most of the time I'd realise it's just actors in a drama and the words are aimed at the character Rita is talking to. But maybe you'd 'forget' that aspect and hear something that fits in with something going on for you, potentially triggering. Except there are times when you know or remember it's only TV and you also remember you have to be careful and remind yourself of that. So you've had good insight today

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I get muddled up about stuff I hear or read, when my mind is obsessing and I'm in that space where I need to make what I hear mean something to me, to my personal story in my head. And I'm learning to struggle to try to be as aware and vigilant as possible, to remind myself that what I make it mean is what I want or need it to sound like for some reason. Eg. I want a message from the universe or my higher power that affirms that the guy I love is in love with me (even though I know he's not). Rather than accept the reality - rejection - I want to believe he actually feels the same way I do about him. But a lot of the time I know I'm looking for false hope. Then I crash sometimes and the despair hits me, and then if anyone says anything negative on TV or online which seems to describe my shortcomings, I buy into what they say to make myself feel bad and punish myself for having feelings for someone inappropriate, someone who doesn't love me. Then I sometimes think I'd be better off dead, but I don't do anything, I just get depressed until something shifts and I come out of it gradually, my mood changes.

So all I want to say really is I'm sorry things are such a painful struggle for you at the moment and I know I don't really know what it's like to be in your shoes but I realised you have insight into the horrid places your mind goes sometimes, like I do. And to me those are good, positive days I count and try to build on.

I’m sorry the meds aren’t doing quite enough.

I’m glad you got out & helped with an interesting task. Have your dad & brother been kind about your troubles?

Thanks guys.

I feel a touch better mood wise but half the words I read are telling me things I must do. Rather than what I’m meant to be reading, the aliens are changing the words on the internet to target me.

I have the psychologist tomorrow, then the social worker, support worker and psychiatrist on Tuesday.

My dad is kind, my brother gets annoyed at times though.

I seem to have gained some insight in the past month, before that I had no insight whatsoever, so at least that’s progress I think. Sometimes I completely lose the insight which is weird and I still find it weird that I can see some of the stuff is actually psychosis, it’s weird.

I understand how you feel. The feeling will pass. Do you have somewhere you can go for a walk with some good music in your headphones?
I’m in and out of suicide thoughts but I’ve started running and going for walks with music it helps me think things through.
Also maybe check your meds’ with your gp as some meds cause suicidal thoughts.

If you can get some strong CBD jellies they are amazing

I hope your appointment went well today.

Like cake, I'm wondering how all your appointments have gone this last couple of days, OP. How are you doing? Been thinking about your thread a lot, what you're up against and how you're doing so well at coping and learning from what you go through, even when it feels so overwhelming. Health professionals can help, sure, but I feel like you've got a power within yourself that you don't realise is so strong at fighting for you to learn and grow and manage.

Be good to hear from you again when you're feeling up to it

Appointments were good as usual. Keeping meds the same for now as they were working. I need to keep stress to an absolute zero otherwise I get more psychotic. I stupidly took the dogs out twice in one day with my dad on Wednesday. One goes with a dog walker once a day and the other is only 3 months old. So not like one walk would have been depriving them. But ever since then I feel so much worse. The voices have got worse and the aliens are back, and I’m concerned I’m a witch, which I’m told isn’t a good sign. So a mixed week. Got psychiatrist again on Wednesday at least.