I’m tired. 31 years is long enough.

[Musicandlyrics]

I have amazing children and I don’t want to leave them.
They need me. They have no body else.
I don’t know how I’ve raised such wonderful people but I have.
I haven’t always been this much of a mess.
I would never do anything to myself because of them really I wouldn’t.
But right now I am finding it very hard to convince myself that I’m better off alive.
I feel so tired.
I just want to disappear.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t feel sad about the fact that I feel like this at all I just feel sad that I can’t do anything about it.
I feel sad for my children having being born into no body else except for me. They're amazing and how I keep it together for them I don’t know.
I give them the best life I can and I think for all of my flaws in life I’m an ok mum.
I have no body in real life I can talk to.
I am a burden.
I don’t pity myself (although I know I sound that I do) it’s just the truth.
I can’t ask for any help professionally feeling like this as I’m scared I would have my children taken away.
I just want someone to come and look after me and tell me that I’m ok, that life will be ok and I won’t always feel like this.
That I don’t just ruin everything I touch.
But there is no one.
There has never been anyone who has just loved and accepted and wanted me for me without conditions and benefits for them.
There never has been.
I just feel angry to be alive.

I pretty much feel exactly the same. However, like you, I have a beautiful child who needs me...
How old are yours? X

Also you've raised such wonderful people because they are extensions of you.

I’m sorry you feel this way too.
They are 9 and 13.
Thank you for your kindness.
I have been on here for a couple of weeks and have posted a couple of times with different names as I’m terrified of anyone in real life knowing how much I’m struggling.
I feel like a pathetic excuse of a human being.
I feel like I am not even worthy of posting online.
I wish I wasn’t such a self pitying mess and just had a bit more strength inside of me.

Please be kind to yourself. You are doing something very well, look at your children!!

I hate to say it but I feel the exact same. Life is fucking tough, isn't it? Need to go and take my dd swimming and pretend everything is ok, but all I want to do is just shout and scream and cry about the Shit hand life has dealt me.

You're children are amazing because you are. You created them

Please do seek help. Mental health Services won't judge you for this

Please, please reach out and seek help. It's hard but you really need to. I've been in your shoes and it was miserable but it can get better.

Life is a continuous wheel of fortune. Sometimes you're at the top, sometimes you're at the bottom. It will get better. If you are at rock bottom,the only way to go is up.

Please get help.
Can you do small things for yourself?

I’m trying to be kind to myself.
I’ve had a dark chocolate bounty! It’s one of my favourite treats.
The house is clean and tidy and I’ve not really got anything to do.
The washing is damp as it rained and I had no energy to bring it in but will be dry soon so I can get the next clean load out.
I feel guilty for not doing much today.
My eldest DS had a friend stay over last night and both of them and my youngest DS just want to game today.
I’ve just let them.
I feel guilty for not doing anything with them and just letting them game the day away but I really really need the break.
Is that being kind to myself or a bad mum?
We have the cinema booked for tomorrow to see the new lion king so we won’t be stuck in all weekend and then my youngest DS has been invited to a party tomorrow evening.
I just feel like I’m pulling myself through the days with a smile on my face for my DC and trying my best to be the best mum I can be but all I want to do is close my eyes and never wake up again.
The thoughts are getting quite overwhelming like wondering what would be the quickest way out without it looking intentional.
What will hurt the least (very cowardly) but I’m scared that dying will hurt.
And who will look after and love my children.
I know these thoughts are wrong and I’m trying to push them away but it’s hard.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3643111-I-feel-so-broken-please-re-assure-me-I-ve-done-the-right-thing

I broke up with my partner yesterday. I’ve linked my post. I am a terrible person.

@Musicandlyrics when you are so very low and hurting like this, it can be impossible to feel or react positively to other people's' words of support and encouragement. So a bit of blind faith is needed here.
There IS help and support out there for you.
There's NOTHING to feel ashamed about if you need it - depression and suicidal thoughts are common.
If you take the right steps - even small ones before the big ones - you WILL start to feel better.
These are NOT forever feelings, and life can and does change for the better.

Your beautiful kids need you. If they were grown adults, without their mum, I can guarantee they'd say 'if only she had got the right support..'.

So. Make a call to a support service. Be honest with them, or a friend or family member, about how you are really feeling. Go and speak to your GP. If they're crap, speak to a different GP. Among the most obvious things to discuss, ask them to check your bloods for any deficiencies that could be contributing to your state of mind.

Try not put barriers, real or imagined in your way. Just take some steps forward.

Honestly, you can and will move out of this. Sometimes rock bottom is actually the best starting point. Xx

Ellenripley
Thank you.
It’s just getting stronger and worse.
I have no one, not really.
I just can’t stop thinking about maybe asking someone to look after my boys for a few days and finding some way to die.
No one except my children would care.
That should be enough reason to stay but I feel sorry for them having someone as pathetic and unwanted in the world as me to be there for them.
I used to be strong but I’m not anymore.
I’ve lost my fight.
I expect they could have a fuller life without me.
Yes I love them more than life and give them everything I can emotionally and materialistically but they only have me.
And I’m a mess inside.
If they were elsewhere at least they’d have more of a shot at life.
I’m not enough.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to be enough up until now but I’m out of energy and out of will.
I’m scared.

Hello OP - we're so sorry you're feeling this low - you've had a rough few days for sure. FWIW you don't sound like a bad mum in the slightest. We really hope you get some support and are able to turn a corner very soon.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I can guarantee that they won't have a fuller life without you. That's not a platitude, that's fact!
All you need at the moment is the tiniest amount of will to believe that, as bad as you feel, it IS temporary - and you just need the energy to make a call and see a 'professional'. Which is really just someone who's trained and well-versed in EXACTLY what you're feeling, and knows how to help.

Because there is help! Not a magic wand, but support and guidance, with which comes light at the end of the tunnel. HONESTLY.

The fact you're here tells me there's a glimmer of desire to get out of this horrible way of feeling. I know it is all-consuming and it's normal to feel scared when depression gets to this point. I also think it shows there is actually a bit of fight left in you.

You CAN do it, OP. If you've no friends and family to tell you the same, then Mumsnet will tell you the same. If you're online just now, google local or national mental health support services. X

Thank you yetanotherbeckymumsnet.
I knew this post would come up.
I don’t want anything from anyone I just want to talk and I have no one in real life to talk to.
Sorry.
Ellenripley thank you for taking the time to read and reply to me.
I want to have the fight and maybe there is a small bit left.
I’m on here for something!
I just don’t know what.
I feel like I’m on here because I have no one else to talk to.
I have zero real friends. No body I would feel comfortable talking to.
I have a brother who is younger than me who is very sweet but who I absolutely couldn’t talk to about these feelings either.
It has always been my job to take care of him. When he was a child anyway.
Now he’s a 26 year old man doing so well with his life and I can’t rely on him, it’s not fair.
I’m embarrassed to be me.
I’m embarrassed that I can’t cope with the mess inside my head.
I’m embarrassed to exist.
I wanted my partner to help me, to hold me and tell me it would be ok.
I tried to talk about how I was feeling a few months ago.
I told her I wished I could die and I told her I felt like the most unhappy person in the world after struggling with an eating disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and probably just a generally fucked up head.
It was too much for her.
She only ever wanted me when I didn’t open up that part of myself to her.
When I was the “perfect girlfriend” role.
No body wants to know me if I’m not beneficial to their lives.
I see people around me being close to each other. Involving each other and each other’s children in each other’s lives and actually acting about each other and me and my children are just sat on the outside on our own.
That used to be ok. I used to genuinely feel like we didn’t need anyone.
Our song (in my mind) was “chasing cars” by the snow patrol. We were happy in our bubble. We had each other and that’s all we needed.
It’s just become hard lately and I don’t know why.
I don’t feel like I’m enough for them.
I don’t feel like I’m enough for anyone.
I don’t even have a job anymore.
I have no one to help me with childcare and it’s hard to get my head around where I even start.
My youngest has SEN and it’s difficult to find anyone who would be interested in helping.
He’s (my youngest) also struggling at school. He tells me that other children bully him and hurt him and say mean things. Sometimes the school tell me they deal with it and sometimes they tell me it’s his fault and his perspective. He cake home last week telling me he wanted to “create suicide” (commit suicide) I don’t think he really felt that way he just wanted the pain to stop. He has ADHD with asd traits and sensory processing issues and doesn’t do too well socially and emotions are huge for him. Another boy set him up to go out of the class telling him a teacher wanted him and another boy was waiting for him outside of the class and jumped on him and in his words beat him up.
The teacher told him he’d lost his lunchtime the next day for not telling the teacher straight away.
I called the school feeling furious but spoke calmly... as always... and had the teacher ask me to appologise to him and tell him he’s not in any trouble. He made a mistake and was going to call the parents of the child who set this up.
I never heard back.
This is a bigger incident but things like this happen regularly and I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m failing him.
I feel like the biggest waste of space that has ever existed.
I’m sat in the lounge with tears streaming as I’m writing knowing my children and my eldest sons friend are just upstairs but I can’t control the tears.
I’m a mess and a joke.

Caring about each other not acting about each other, sorry.

You are afraid of seeking help because your children may be taken away, yet you are flirting with the idea of suicide leaving your children permanently without you?

The above summary is an indication of your skewed thinking and how it is affecting your decisions. You must seek help immediately. You need urgent help, please get it.

I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will happen. It sounds so strange I know.
I don’t want my boys to be without a mum. I don’t think anyone would ever love them the way I do but my mental health is getting worse and if it continues like this it’s only a matter of time before I mess them up.
I literally have no other reason in the world to live.
The only reason I have to live I might end up doing more damage than good if my mental health doesn’t improve and I just don’t feel like it will.
I am so desperate to leave this world.

If you'd broken your leg in three places, would you allow doctors to X-ray it and put a cast on it, so it would heal? If you had a chest infection and couldn't breathe as a result, would you take antibiotics to clear the infection? Of course. Depression and mental illness is no different, but takes more effort to fix because we have to REALLY fight the symptoms, our minds, to get treatment. It can take a mammoth effort and a leap of faith but I promise you, everyone who lives with and recovers from it will tell you that while they might have been in the worst place of their lives, it's possible to recover, and absolutely worth believing in recovery.

Feeling like you can't face life's challenges & stresses, and that there's no alternative to how you're feeling and it's going to get worse? That you've nothing in your life to look forward to, and you're completely alone? Too overwhelmed to cope with any task or responsibility? That's the depression talking, like a persistent cough would tell you your lungs are struggling.

🤔That sounds like I've written a good billboard advert for a magic cure or helpline. But I know you know what I mean.

Folk can feel this bad with half or none of the life shit that you've been dealing with. By that I mean yes, it sounds like there's been plenty in your life to trigger this, but ultimately you're UNWELL OP. Depression is an illness, and it can affect anyone.

Get yourself on the road to better health and THEN revisit your past, present and future, because coping with and enjoying life will be an entirely different experience.

You need urgent support. You need to get better. Please let me & Mumsnet know the outcome of that first phonecall or conversation... 🙂 x

I understand what you mean and it makes sense.
This analogy feels fair for other people but I just don’t feel that I deserve the help because I’m not really important in this world at all and it would just be a waste of people’s precious time.
I feel so overwhelmed and like I’m being crushed by my own thoughts and feelings.
I’ve pushed my partner away again but she doesn’t love me or like me anyway and I don’t blame her so I’ve just done her a favour.
I am going to call the Samaritans once my children are in bed.
I’ve felt suicidal before.
I’ve set up life insurance before and tried to work out ways to go and to make it look accidental but I don’t think I would have ever followed through.
This time feels different.
I feel like I have no body and I feel like maybe they (my boys) would actually be better off in the long run without me.
I feel like I’m fighting the urge to ask somebody to look after them during the week and make a plan for how I’ll do it.
I don’t even know who I’d ask.
I suppose the only person I had was my partner (now ex partner) who may have potentially helped before but I’m not sure she even would now.
I just feel valueless and burdensome to the world but I know that my boys would suffer so much for the rest of their lives.
I have to keep reminding myself of this because it’s the only thing that is keeping me here.

I'm getting help now for pnd and the bloody hardest thing I have done is going to the doctor for help. Saying I was scared I'd hurt me or my lovely little boy.
But it was the right thing to do. I have support n help. No ones referred to ss or tried to take him away. People struggle and your not failing as your trying. But if you don't get help your doing it with a hand tied behind you. Get help, you'll be amazed how kind most people are really.
Youve asked for help even if just on here. That's a bloody amazing!

I took a picture of myself this afternoon to see how I appear to the rest of the world.
I don’t think anyone would ever look at me and think I’m struggling like this.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be struggling like this but to the rest of the world I think I probably just appear to be a well presented, happy, smiling 31 year old.
To those who know me they probably just wish that they didn’t.
I’ve never done anything to hurt anyone in any way, all I’ve ever done is try my best to make people happy and make things easy for other people so why have I ended up with no-body? Right from the day I was born?
I feel so incredibly selfish because I have the love of my children and that is the best love in the world.
I am a fully aware of how lucky I am to be their mum and what a privilege it is to be raising 2 beautiful boys.
I just feel so alone.

I’m so sorry to everyone who has replied. I have responded with very selfish replies all about myself.
@scaredaboutsurgery I hope you have had a nice day swimming with your DD, even if it was only for a little while I hope you found joy in the day.
What is making you feel this way and are you getting any support either personally or professionally?
@partysong thank you for your kind words. I believe they’re amazing because it’s just in them to be amazing people. They have the kindest hearts and the most loving souls. I am very lucky to be their mum. I’m scared of being judged. I am on a waiting list for counselling but it will be at least 7 weeks until I can attend due to the summer holidays and no childcare. I am worried about now.
@omafiet thank you. I’m so glad you’re feeling better after being in this place. It gives me some hope. How did you turn it around?
@IamtheOA I know, it’s just hard. I’m trying.
I’m going to wash my hair with my favourite shampoo this evening and listen to my favourite music if I have time after calling the Samaritans.
@birdonawire1i know. I need help. I’m just scared. I’m scared for my children. This gives me a bit of hope that I’m more determined to live than die. It just feels so real the want and possibility right now. My mental health is terrible right now, I’m so very aware of this. I just feel like once I admit it and ask for help there’s no going back. I’ve always been so good at pretending to be “fine” but lately I feel like I just can’t be anymore.
@Spanglyprincess1im so happy for you that you’ve managed to get help for the way you were feeling and that people have been kind. Thank you for your kind words. How have they helped you? I don’t have pnd but I do wish I could die and feel like my children would be better off without me in the long run which essentially puts them at risk. Also I’m alone with them. No dad involved. No family other than a younger brother either (their uncle). Would that make it more likely they’d be taken from me do you think?
@EllenRipley I can’t thank you and your kind words enough. You have been so kind and helpful and I feel very grateful for your time and responses.

I’m terrified of anyone in real life knowing how much I’m struggling.

I felt like this. I still do. It’s really hard. By your side

But, try to think of it like this (it helped me) if you had a sore leg, and struggled to walk, and it affected how you lived your life...would you go to the doctor and ask for some help, or ignore, with the pain getting worse? What would you expect to happen, that it will hopefully go away? It’s the exact same thing with mental health. You need medical help to make it better.

If you find it hard to speak, perhaps show your GP your opening post.

You can feel better, and WILL feel better soon. You’ve taken that first step, keep walking

I would use this analogy for anyone who was telling me they felt this way I just feel like I can’t apply it to myself.
I’m so scared.
I went to the GP recently and they didn’t think I needed anti depressants. I agreed but I’m thinking otherwise now.
I have done CBT before and opened up partially but not fully for fear of my boys being taken from me.
I am on a waiting list for counselling sessions so I am trying to help myself.
I just feel an overwhelming want to n be a part of this life anymore.