I have amazing children and I don’t want to leave them.
They need me. They have no body else.
I don’t know how I’ve raised such wonderful people but I have.
I haven’t always been this much of a mess.
I would never do anything to myself because of them really I wouldn’t.
But right now I am finding it very hard to convince myself that I’m better off alive.
I feel so tired.
I just want to disappear.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t feel sad about the fact that I feel like this at all I just feel sad that I can’t do anything about it.
I feel sad for my children having being born into no body else except for me. They're amazing and how I keep it together for them I don’t know.
I give them the best life I can and I think for all of my flaws in life I’m an ok mum.
I have no body in real life I can talk to.
I am a burden.
I don’t pity myself (although I know I sound that I do) it’s just the truth.
I can’t ask for any help professionally feeling like this as I’m scared I would have my children taken away.
I just want someone to come and look after me and tell me that I’m ok, that life will be ok and I won’t always feel like this.
That I don’t just ruin everything I touch.
But there is no one.
There has never been anyone who has just loved and accepted and wanted me for me without conditions and benefits for them.
There never has been.
I just feel angry to be alive.