I’m tired. 31 years is long enough.

[Musicandlyrics]

I have amazing children and I don’t want to leave them.
They need me. They have no body else.
I don’t know how I’ve raised such wonderful people but I have.
I haven’t always been this much of a mess.
I would never do anything to myself because of them really I wouldn’t.
But right now I am finding it very hard to convince myself that I’m better off alive.
I feel so tired.
I just want to disappear.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t feel sad about the fact that I feel like this at all I just feel sad that I can’t do anything about it.
I feel sad for my children having being born into no body else except for me. They're amazing and how I keep it together for them I don’t know.
I give them the best life I can and I think for all of my flaws in life I’m an ok mum.
I have no body in real life I can talk to.
I am a burden.
I don’t pity myself (although I know I sound that I do) it’s just the truth.
I can’t ask for any help professionally feeling like this as I’m scared I would have my children taken away.
I just want someone to come and look after me and tell me that I’m ok, that life will be ok and I won’t always feel like this.
That I don’t just ruin everything I touch.
But there is no one.
There has never been anyone who has just loved and accepted and wanted me for me without conditions and benefits for them.
There never has been.
I just feel angry to be alive.

@SweetAsSpice thank you for your kind words

Sia - breathe me
Celtic angels - in the arms of an angel
Natalie merchant - break your heart
Natalie merchant - carnival
Jack Johnson - breakdown

I hope it’s ok to share. These song lyrics really speak from my feelings.

Oh my dear OP, you're very welcome. I totally get that you don't feel any of the sentiments apply, and that you're utterly overwhelmed. It's a normal, though utterly horrible, symptom of the Big D. You have to fight against your own impulses and black thoughts. Make that phonecall. Return to your GP - it's a great idea to take what you've written to shown them, if u feel you can't talk openly.

I take anti-depressants. The right ones can help immensely. So can the right counselling, which requires honesty! I highly doubt it would be in anyone's interest to take your kids away, especially if you are seeking help and treatment. I think a lot of women in your situation - you're not alone! - feel the same.

I really look forward to hearing how you get on and push through in the coming days. Keep going.

I called them and it really didn’t help.
The lady that answered the phone didn’t really say anything much to me but just said “mmhmm” and then went quiet.
My youngest DS came downstairs to ask me a question.
Phone call was going no where so I hung up.
I couldn’t cry on the whole phone. I went sort of... numb.
I cried afterwards. Once my DS was back to bed.
My (ex) partner will be here in about 2 hours to collect her dogs and I’m terrified.
This will be the last chance I have to talk to her but I don’t know what to say.
I want to just beg her “Please just love me. Please just want me. Thats all I need. Just for you to love and want me and this family.” But I can feel that she doesn’t.
I have felt it for such a long time.
That’s why I’ve ended it.
It’s for the best I’m just scared that she’s going to become a stranger again and that’s it.
Although she’s emotionally closed off from me and is irritated by the way my mind works I’ve actually opened up to her.
She’s the only person in the world that knows me so well.
Life is so unfair.
I will be honest if I make it to counselling.
I will make it to counselling.
I can’t leave my beautiful boys.
I just want this pain to end so much.
Maybe I need to go back and try and push for anti depressants.
I just panic they will think I’m incapable of being a good mum if I tell them how messed up my head is.
From hearing how I feel and wishing there was someone else who could love and look after them so I could leave how does that equate with a good mum?!
Thank you.

On the phone. I don’t know where the word whole came from.

If one of your children has SEN, is there a possibility that you might, too? Women often go undiagnosed for a long time.

It might explain why you are feeling so overwhelmed by life.

I’ve wondered that at times.
I’ve genuinely questioned whether I could have Aspergers, but then I feel like I maybe have borderline personality disorder and then I feel like I’ve just lost my mind.
This morning has been so terrible, so very very terrible.
My 2 sons were playing in one room, heard a bang from another room and one of our kittens has had to be put to sleep.
Our beautiful cat had a litter 6 weeks and 6 days ago and has (had) 5 very healthy beautiful kittens who have all been doing so well.
Now they are down to 4 so unfairly.
The kittens were playing this morning and a full length mirror has been knocked down onto one of them and it knocked him unconscious.
My partner (ex) was amazing. She stayed last night. Nothing happened like that, we just talked and cuddled. But she rushed him to the vets.
The vet said the kindest thing was to put him to sleep as he was very poorly. Blood from nose and ear.
I have paid to have him put to sleep but I loved him so so much I feel empty.
My children have been devastated.
He has been bought home and we have buried him in the garden wrapped in fleece after saying goodbye.
He’s been buried in a box with photos of his humans and animals, toys, letters from my youngest DS and his brothers and sisters and his umbilical cords that dropped off just a few short weeks ago.
I feel empty and heartbroken.
And on top of that I’ve lost my partner.
She said she still loves me but she can’t make me happy.
That’s fair.
I’m not happy at the moment and I am so draining to be around.
I always have things I want to talk about and work on and she’s very laid back and easy going.
I don’t want to make her life hard anymore.
She is here napping at the moment as she has work tonight.
I said to her can I have a cuddle as it will be the last time but she said it won’t be the last time.
I’m so broken right now.
Relationship grief and as of this morning death grief also.
My boys have been beautiful over the kitten but I feel drained right now.

Oh goodness, a kitten dying was the last thing you needed! ☹️ But accidents happen, especially in a busy home of kids and pets. Try move on - you all handled it and coped.

I'm sorry the phone call wasn't a help - but I think these call handlers are trained to encourage you to do most of the talking, and that doesn't always come easy. But! You made the call, OP. And you can do it again. And I think you DEFINITELY need antidepressants as part of course of treatment. They're not for everyone, true. But they can turn things around. Keep reminding yourself that your thought processes are the result of a very physical condition. Keep your resolve about counselling.

You're not in the best place to cope well with separation, but perspective will come. If you're the partner of someone who suffers from depression, it's VERY difficult to understand, and to help. So I think you did a good thing for both of you. It really doesn't sound like she wants a clean break. She wants to see you healthy, and when that happens, dialogue will be different and better.

Your next task is to make a GP appointment, as an emergency - not for a week or two week's time. You tell them EXACTLY how you are feeling, and you don't leave the consultation until there's the beginnings of a plan in place. Write it down and hand it to the doc, or the receptionist, if you're finding it hard to talk.

Are you eating? Are you resting (if not sleeping)? Food is important, because you need some energy reserves when your mind is exhausted.

I think you want to get out of this situation, and I think you know the reasons why, so keep going. It might not feel like momentum, but it is. X

I’m so heartbroken about him.
He was doing so well. They all have been.
6 weeks and 6 days old and he was such a healthy perfect little thing.
Our cat had a litter of 5 and we’re keeping 2 and 3 are going to people we know after vaccinations as I don’t believe in selling animals. I’m not a breeder. They were my responsibility.
I can’t help but feel responsible for this.
I know it was nobody’s fault but I should have seen the mirror as a danger!
He was beautiful and perfect and now he’s gone and is in a box 2 foot under the ground in the garden 😢
Thank you. I don’t know that I handled it as well as I could have. I went into the room and all I could do was shout “no, no, no” and instantly cry.
I did pull myself together immediately for my DC though and was there for them. I don’t believe it was wrong for me to cry with them over this I feel it was healthy but I panic that I did the wrong thing.
I worry that letting them see him when he came back from the vet smelling of the stuff they used to euthanise him was bad for them but they seemed to get a closure from being able to say goodbye and kiss and stroke him before he was buried as did I.
I just didn’t expect anything like this, I feel so sad for our poor mum cat and the other 4 babies. It’s like they all know too and are grieving.
I know they are supposed to let you talk and not offer advice but I felt just ridiculous if I’m being honest. I told her how I felt and she asked me “what happens now?” And I just said I didn’t know. Then my DS came down to ask a question and I panicked about it not going well and wasting her time and so hung up but that was very selfish of me.
I think I probably do too.
I’ve forgotten how to interact with others and I either freeze up or talk people into wishing I’d just shut up but I can’t seem to stop and then I feel like a fool! I will make it to counselling.
No I’m not. It’s so very hard. I don’t even think I just have depression. I genuinely believe I might have borderline personality disorder.
I’m not angry and have rages at others but I have allot of inward anger and hate myself but that can be quite common apparently.
I spoke to my partner about this today and she read up on it and said that the way it’s described as being in a relationship with somebody with BPD is how it is being with me.
I’ve asked her to go and be happy and to let me heal and work on myself but she said she doesn’t want us to break up.
We ended up sleeping together today when I went to lay with her for a while.
I don’t want us to break up either but I’ve caused allot of resentment and damage.
I’ve either pushed her away or been an absolute desperate needy girlfriend.
I understand I’ve gone hugely wrong and hurt her allot with the way that I am.
I want to be with her but I want to get better and I’m so scared that if we do stay together and then it goes wrong again I’ll sink even lower.
That would have nothing to do with her but I’m scared of what that would do to me.
Selfish I know.
I’m sorry to her for being so shit.
I don’t know if I feel comfortable making the gp appointment. I would have to take this with me as I don’t know how to say all of this.
I feel slightly better this evening but I know that I get to a slightly better point quickly and then just as quickly I plummet back down often even lower.
I’m making myself eat.
I’ve struggled for a long time with disordered eating. Just 4 months ago I’d gotten myself almost underweight and was suffering allot of physical side effects. Vomiting and taking laxatives daily and restricting my food hugely.
I got into aged 12-13 clothing and couldn’t see a way out of it but I got myself some help and I have turned that around.
I am now back in size 10 clothing and for the first time in years I feel my eating habits are “normal” again.
I have struggled with feelings this week of wanting to vomit and restrict again but i haven’t. I’ve forced myself to take care of my nutritional needs.
I sleep too well most of the time.
I am tired all the time lately but go to sleep around 1-2am and am up around 7am.
I could sleep for a year right now though if not forever.
I try and go to bed early sometimes but my mind doesn’t switch off when I’m alone. It goes over and over and over things so I just stay up until I can’t anymore.
When in company I sleep at the drop of a hat.
I’m trying. I feel like my whole life is me always trying. I just feel so tired of trying now.
Thankyou @EllenRipley.

I’ve felt like this forever I think.
I’m just very good at pushing it down and getting on with things for others but I feel like I’ve hit a wall.
I’d like to share a poem I wrote when I was 16.
I shared it with my CBT therapist last year and it hit me just how messed up I have always been.
I still feel very much the same.
I hope it’s ok to share.

A deep dark hole full of all my fears,
With thoughts that make me cry my tears,
I’m trapped inside an unbreakable skin,
My body is keeping my mind locked in.
I’m dead on the inside just not on the out,
I open my mouth and I want to shout,
To make people know all the pain that I feel,
My thoughts are spinning an endless wheel.
It hurts to smile and say things are fine,
When I feel like I’ve reached the end of the line,
My deep dark mind just won’t let me free,
The demons and ghosts just won’t let me be.
I’m trying to run but getting no where,
I’m trying to escape my own nightmare,
Running from myself with no where to go,
The thoughts in my head swing to and fro.
Sitting alone for hours on end,
This thinking is driving me round the bend, thinking of getting away some day,
And wishing that day could be today.
I walk up one step and fall down two,
The things that I do don’t please any of you,
My silent tears I cry inside,
My deep dark thought I try to hide.

This was 15 years ago. I still feel the same.

This was another one.
I think I was 14 when I wrote this one.
I feel sad for child me.
I feel angry at now me. Why am I still like this??

A pot of pills is all it takes,
Just top yourself for goodness sakes,
No-one likes you you’re a haw,
You’re not worth a thing at all.
Just kill yourself you silly slag,
Suffocate with a plastic bag,
No one likes to you you’re a haw,
You’re not worth a thing at all.
Put a noose around your neck,
just do it but hold on a sec,
I need to saw that you’re a haw,
And you’re not worth a thing at all.
So have I got it through your head,
That you would look much better dead,
So put us out our misery,
And kill yourself just like I said.

I think it was in that same year that I woke up in hospital to see a psychiatrist asking me what was the most recent thing I remember on the news, what day was it and other such questions. I was 14. Why am I not more fixed now?
I’m away from my childhood and I have amazing children.
I have a fantastic partner and her amazing daughter.
I have a lovely home but I’m never happy.
Not really.
What is wrong with me?

I felt like you do once. I was 20 years old and my daughters (aged 2 at the time) dad left me. I was working full time but still had days when I couldn’t afford meals for both of us, so of course I fed my DD and I went without. It seemed that whatever I touched went wrong, whatever I said was wrong. The mums at the school didn’t like me coz I was a ‘young mum’ my ex in laws looked down their noses at me...even though I was slogging my guts out working full time and raising their granddaughter (with absolutely no help from their son!!) my friends had all gone off to uni, my parents had moved abroad.

I was totally alone. I felt useless and a burden to anyone I asked for help. I’d sit in the toilet during my lunch break at work because i didn’t want the other staff noticing I never had any lunch. I felt pathetic.

But...

In my daughters eyes I was everything. I had nothing to offer her (in my eyes) and I’d lay awake at night thinking how I could end it without it looking like I’d done it on purpose. I wanted my DD to have someone better than me.

I carried on, doing it all on my own, day in, day out and gradually it got better. I had some counselling sessions and learned that being outside-walking, running, cycling etc all helped. It wasn’t easy but it was sure worth it. 17 years on I look at my DD and realise that I didn’t need to be perfect, I didn’t need to be like the other mums...I just needed to be her mum. She’s at uni now...I look at her and I can’t believe there was ever a time I could have considered not being here for her.

OP....hang on in there. Nobody will look down on you for asking for help. Nobody will take your children away. And in years to come you’ll look at your amazing children and be so glad you were strong for them 💐 and a handhold xx

Sounds a lot to unravel, OP. We all have complicated stories, which doesn't mean they're insurmountable. I'm thinking it will take some of the weight off your shoulders to get back down to some good, honest soul searching. You need a good talking therapy, not just CBT, and if you think there's more than depression going on, you probably need a psychiatrist to diagnose. That would be something solid to work from, wouldn't it? It sounds like you have some insight into what's led you to this very low point, which is healthy and hopeful!

That is a great piece of writing, and it's a talent to write like that. Might be a good idea to keep putting your thoughts and feelings down, to get them out of your head? I suspect you are creative, and have a tendency to think and feel things more than most (I notice you think and feel how people - and animals - around you must feel! Empathy is a wonderful quality, but at the moment I think it's adding to your dark mood!).

I'm also a devoted cat mum, so I know it must be hard, on top of everything else. It doesn't mean you've let your puss down though. The only responsibility you have right now is to you and your kids, to start the process of getting better. I suspect the cats and her kittens are better looked after right now, even when you're feeling crap, than most pets!

Hold on to the small moments of feeling a bit better when they have them, and find ways to distract yourself when you feel your mood dropping again.

I honestly think you are more of a survivor than you can appreciate right now. When you have the luxury of hindsight, you will agree! Take next week slowly and purposefully. Small steps are big achievements. Will check in when I can to see how you're doing.

@Goodnightjude1 you are amazingly strong!
It sounds like you were in a really tough place and it’s so nice to see how you’ve come through it.
You sound like an amazing mum and your DD is lucky to have you!
I have been trying to work on myself and am still trying.
I know that being outdoors, green, water, walking, swimming, the beach, music all help.
I also love to make and create so try to do that when I can too.
I feel so selfish for feeling like this I just don’t know how to make it better.

I’m so ashamed. Ive just managed to put the blanket that our baby (kitten) was in to be euthanised this morning into the wash but it still smells so strongly of whatever it is they use.
I impulsively sniffed it. A few times. With a thought in my head that it might just do something.
What am I thinking?

@EllenRipley I really need to figure myself out.
I feel lost. I feel like I don’t even know who I am right now. I feel like an empty body. Nothing. No-one. Just a body that does things. I feel everything and nothing. I love my children more than anything and they are the reason I go on. I love my stepdaughter very much (I don’t know if I should call her that as I’m not married and we don’t even live together anymore, but that’s how I feel) I love my partner so very much. I can’t explain the love I feel for her. It’s like she’s my home and my safety but I push her away repeatedly and I must make it so hard for her to be in a relationship with me.
She stayed again last night and I asked her what’s happening and she said “I’m still here aren’t I?” She said she loves me but can’t cope with there always being issues in our relationship from me when she feels like things are going well.
That’s very fair. I fully understand now that that’s how I come across.
I have so much fear and insecurity of being hurt, used, abused or anything else negative that I push her away just in case.
I see normal relationship issues and blow them out of all proportion in anticipation of what might happen if I don’t protect myself.
I just don’t know how to change.
I’m so scared to see a physiatrist. I don’t want to need help. I want to be ok. I just want to be able to get by as easy as other people seem to. I realise that’s very closed minded and I do know that so many people struggle with so many things but I just don’t see anyone struggle the way my mind feels but then I suppose I hide it to the rest of the world and I probably seem like I get on absolutely fine.
How do I even ask for that help?
I again this morning had just this pit in my stomach and a headache. Such a huge emotional pain. I just wanted to die. I still do but it’s eased off slightly now. I felt like that when alone after taking my youngest DS to school and on the walk home.
All I could think of was how best to do it but in a way that I would be alone and it could look accidental and then I panicked about how sorry I would feel for the person finding my horrible, disgusting body.
I came home and my eldest DS was still asleep.
I managed to talk to my partner about how I feel but panicked again that I should have just kept it to myself.
Selfishly it has made it feel a bit better to have talked about it out loud but then I’m just putting so much on her it’s crap.
I got myself together. My partner left to collect my stepdaughter (she has been with her nan) and I have been out with my eldest DS and treated him to lunch.
I’m now about to go to my youngest DS sports day with my eldest DS.
I wrote those as a teenager but I think I’ll try and write again now as I know it helps.
Yes I love creative things they just feel a bit pointless at the moment.
It’s the worst. I think that’s made the sinking feeling worse this morning but I just can’t believe it. I love them so so much. We’ve been to the shop this morning and bought them a mechanical fluttering butterfly toy to play with which they are loving and bought our mum cat her favourite treats. Trying to give extra affection and attention to them but they seem sad and seem to know. Especially our mum cat. I feel so heartbroken for her too.
I’m trying. I’m finding a book, some cleaning or a nap works as distraction but I’m struggling to find much else at the moment.
Doing fun things with the kids also helps hugely but I’m finding the motivation hard right now and I’ve never felt like that before.
I always find the motivation for them.
Thank you, I hope so.
I have to dash now or I’ll be late for sports day.
I could talk forever, I’m sorry if that’s too much on here.
Thank you for your time and kind words again.

Oh gosh OP I'm in tears reading this - sending you a great big virtual hug.

I would advise trying to get happier in little steps and taking every day as it comes - I think you will improve. You sound like a great mum though - you should be proud o yourself.

We went to see The Lion King yesterday as a family and loved it. It meant such a lot as it's the first time the four of us have been together since Christmas (my DS15 is very independent now)!

Hello, im 21 not married yet. Maybe im young and still dont really have struggled in life. But please dont say you feel angry to be alive, life is a give, there is so many people wanted to be alive but they cant because they have illness. There is so many people who wanted to have more time to spend with their family but they cant because of illness. You are healthy and you have 2 loving daughters too! And of course i dont know what you have been through, but please be GRATEFUL for the chance of being alive! Because there is so many people that are not as lucky as you.
Hope you getting better soon, i will pray to Jesus for you to gettinf better soon.

Hugs

Sorry! Sorry! Wrong link.
this is the one I meant. I’ve reported my post.

@OccidentalPurist thank you for the hug and sorry if I have upset you.
I feel so selfish and awful putting this out there and potentially making other people feel bad, really I’m so sorry. I just don’t know what else to do right now and if I don’t talk I will go mad.
It feels safe here.
No-body knows me and I can continue to power through on the outside in real life whilst trying to help myself.
It’s just how my head feels inside and I’m scared of my own mind right now.
Thank you for your kind words.
I don’t think I’m a bad mum and that’s such a relief because I feel like I fail at everything else but I think I could be better. If I continue to live with poor mental health it will inevitable affect them as they get older.
As young children they are very unaware of inner struggles and bad days when I don’t feel happy but my eldest is 13 now and they’re very clever emotionally tuned boys.
I want them to grow up to be healthy, content, independent and well rounded people and they need a good role model for that and I feel like I’m failing in that area.
I’ve always managed to keep up the pretence for them so far but I feel like I’m loosing the ability to hide how low I really feel.
I hope you all enjoyed the film and am so happy for you that you all got to go out together ☺️
Sometimes it’s just the small things isn’t it that make things worthwhile. I’ve just forgotten how to remember that I think. We didn’t go in the end with loosing the kitten but the cinema have been amazing and have given us open ended tickets without a set film or date so we will go one day in the week.
Pamela Todd I would yes. But I don’t think they would have the time. I feel like I’d be wasting valuable time and resources. I feel stupid that I went recently and agreed that I didn’t need them and went away. How can I go back and waste another appointment?!
Do you feel that I’m facing depression here then? I just can’t help but feel that there’s something more sinister going on. Maybe that’s just me being unnecessarily worried and over thinking it but I just can’t halo but feel like that’s the case.
I love the way you look at it. I really do. Thank you for sharing that. I’m going to try and think about it like that for the rest of the evening and see how that feeling goes.
I’m glad you are feeling better now and not dealing with these thoughts.
It takes allot and you’ve done it! I expect you will have to do it again at some point. It never really goes away does it? But you will do it, you sound so strong!
I know it’s selfish and wrong of me but I felt really angry at the lady on the phone at the Samaritans. I wanted someone to help me understand what I was feeling and talk to me, almost talk me how to fix myself I suppose which I know they can’t do so it’s irrational but it just felt like she didn’t care at all. I know they are all volunteers though so I know they wouldn’t be there if they didn’t want to be I just felt like a burden and a waste of time even reaching out like that.
I’m sorry you ever reached that point too.
You’re right, they do deserve better.
I do know this logically but it’s like my logical brain has been hijacked by a monster that won’t let my head speak for itself or even breathe.
I don’t know how long I’ve been this way if I’m being honest.
I think forever.
I feel like if feelings were on a scale of 1-10 of 1 being don’t feel them and 10 being a feel so deeply that most people range between a 4-6 and I feel at a permanent 15.
There have just been times I’m able to push it down more than others but it always comes back in different ways.
For years now I have ignored it all by restricting my food, using laxatives, vomiting, or over eating. It’s been up and down. It was something I kept so private and that felt safe and covered up all these other feelings. But now I’ve finally dealt with that and can honestly say I haven’t engaged in any of these behaviours for over 4 months now it’s like I finally have to face up to what I was covering up with it all and it feels so huge and suffocating.
Thank you for the songs link and please don’t apologise for linking the wrong thing, there is no need. Very gratefully accepted and I will definitely have a look through it this evening.
@feren I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you in any way.
Sorry if I’ve upset you at all.
I understand. It is very selfish of me to feel this way and especially to voice it.
Some people are so unfairly taken and I’m sorry if I have caused any offence to people who have no choice but to leave before they’re ready.
Thank you for your kindness.

Pamela Todd I would yes. But I don’t think they would have the time. I feel like I’d be wasting valuable time and resources. I feel stupid that I went recently and agreed that I didn’t need them and went away. How can I go back and waste another appointment?!

Do you think that you managed to convey the depth of what you’re dealing with in that first appointment?

I know that I have picked up the phone with every intention of confiding in a family member and asking for help, and then had an upbeat and cheery conversation instead. I don’t even mean to put on a brave face, it’s just an automatic thing with me. Even when I was paying good money to a counselor it took me weeks to be able to open up and not cheerily brush over the bad stuff.

On the outside I seem fine even when I’m falling to pieces inside.

Please don’t feel guilty about wasting resources. The resources are intended for people who need them, and you absolutely deserve to get help.

Please show them this thread, or some parts of it. You write very clearly, rather beautifully in fact.

@PamelaTodd I really love the song unwell by matchbox twenty. This evening has been easier. I think the song and listening to new music that is relatable has helped that. I’ve also spent some time gardening. Decided to find something to try and distract myself from the negative thinking and I think it’s been beneficial. I had a call earlier on for my 1st meeting for counselling to make sure it’s suitable and it’s in 2 weeks time (5th August). Feeling more optimistic than I have for a while this evening and I’m very grateful to everybody who has taken the time to read through my endless ramblings and reply.

Ah you were replying to me as I was to you! I will read your reply now and then respond

I feel the same. I have 2 beautiful children and I feel like I’m leading them blindfolded towards a world o don’t want to remain in. I wish I could help you in some way. It’s so hard. I’m sorry.