I’m tired. 31 years is long enough.

[Musicandlyrics]

I have amazing children and I don’t want to leave them.
They need me. They have no body else.
I don’t know how I’ve raised such wonderful people but I have.
I haven’t always been this much of a mess.
I would never do anything to myself because of them really I wouldn’t.
But right now I am finding it very hard to convince myself that I’m better off alive.
I feel so tired.
I just want to disappear.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t feel sad about the fact that I feel like this at all I just feel sad that I can’t do anything about it.
I feel sad for my children having being born into no body else except for me. They're amazing and how I keep it together for them I don’t know.
I give them the best life I can and I think for all of my flaws in life I’m an ok mum.
I have no body in real life I can talk to.
I am a burden.
I don’t pity myself (although I know I sound that I do) it’s just the truth.
I can’t ask for any help professionally feeling like this as I’m scared I would have my children taken away.
I just want someone to come and look after me and tell me that I’m ok, that life will be ok and I won’t always feel like this.
That I don’t just ruin everything I touch.
But there is no one.
There has never been anyone who has just loved and accepted and wanted me for me without conditions and benefits for them.
There never has been.
I just feel angry to be alive.

@PamelaTodd no. No I didn’t. That’s the problem I think, that they didn’t hear even a bit of this. I think I just said that I was struggling to feel secure in my relationship but that generally I manage to power through and that I do understand that everybody has down days ect ect.
I think it just came out to make out that things weren’t really that bad. I think I even convince myself of it when I speak out loud. I think that I also fear that any admission of truly struggling will automatically deem me a bad mum in the eyes of professionals therefore putting my children at risk.
So I hide it. I keep it to myself and I convince not only others but myself aswell that everything is fine and I’m super self sufficient. That I don’t need anybody or anything and that I am super strong.
I feel so silly now that I didn’t make the most of that appointment. I even told my partner that the doctor said what with the recent relationship troubles these feelings (the extremely diluted ones I gave her) were to be expected.
I must have made my partner feel terrible.
I really have made her aware this last few days that I am aware of just how much I have been lately.
Of just how in denial I have been. Of just how blaming and draining I have been and that I have a lot of work to do on myself.
I’ve made her very aware that although yes I’m struggling I will be fine without her and I will be working on myself for myself not only for our relationship and that if this is too much for her and she’s either not in love with me anymore or just needs to be away from me I fully understand and accept that, I just need her to be honest with me and herself.
She sais she still loves me and doesn’t want us to break up. She said she is still here and trying to work on being more emotionally available and supportive.
All this after I broke up with her on Friday. I really am so very lucky.
Sorry for the sidetracked ramble.
I understand that autopilot I really do. I hope you feel more able to be open and honest as time passes and I hope that the counselling was beneficial in the end?
I wonder why we do that? I can resonate with that hugely. People could look at you and see a happy carefree woman when inside you are a crushed soul reaching for even a glimmer of how you appear on the outside.
What scares me at the moment though is that I feel myself withdrawing from the world and not even able to keep up that “fine”.
I’ve removed myself from social media because I just don’t see the point.
I’ve stopped speaking to most people I know because I feel like they don’t really know me and I just feel that I’m loosing myself more and more.
I will speak to the counsellor about anti depressants if that’s a way I could go about it.
I will try again.
Thank you for your words, and thank you. I really enjoy writing and that’s a really lovely thing to say.
@PennyPitStop19 I’m so sorry you are feeling this way too. Just being heard is a help so thank you. Please share how you feel if you’d like to. I feel like people who know how it feels to feel such despair and helplessness are often the best to talk to.

OP I really think from your posts that you are just being so ridiculously harsh on yourself. It's a mental state that you've got into I know, but your circumstances sound very similar to many people I know, who are not thinking so negatively about it.

I think you need to try and believe that you have really achieved something being a good mum to your DCs, who sound like they lead regular, normal lives. You seem to be in a negative cycle of looking for ways to constantly berate yourself.

It's going to take a while, but you sound absolutely normal to me, though sadly going through a break up, but you have to believe in yourself. You haven't done anything wrong!! In fact you're probably a more conscientious parent than many people I know!

Like I said earlier, try and take little steps towards feeling more positive and I think this could really change your mindset.

You seem like someone who leads a normal life but who is determined to see yourself as an absolute failure, when the opposite is probably true.

The very best of luck OP - I'm positive you'll pull through!!!

Glad to hear that you were having a slightly better evening. Every little helps. KOKO

How did you get on today op?

Your kids will never be 'better off' without you. That's a fact. Suicide would damage them. I speak from experience.
You definitely need professional help. You must seek that help ASAP.
Your kids would not be taken away from you for seeking professional help for depression.
Please please seek that help.

Hi, how you doing? I hope all are OK

Hey OP. I could almost have written your first post in its entirety.

I've been battling the very same feelings and thoughts since I can remember.

I tried to end my life several times between the ages of 16 and 27.

And it's something I've never stopped thinking about.

Having my eldest, I finally had something and someone worth sticking around for. But the old thoughts and feelings crept back in when she was 18 months old, I suffered a late missed miscarriage and my husband left and I realised how little I had in my life and how little I meant to anything and anyone except my child.

I still feel the same now. I'm nearly 37.

It's not always possible to access the help and support we need, straight away. I'm still waiting for an appointment with the mental health team; it'll be in October. I've been waiting a year already.

So there are things I try to do, to help me push the feelings and thoughts to another part of my brain, while I wait.

I make sure there's somewhere at home where I can be comfortable and safe. For me this is my bedroom. I have my books, Alexa to play me music, my bears, and I can sit up or lay down. I do puzzles and I research things for fun, using YouTube. I try not to deny myself things I enjoy, where possible. I will let myself have some chocolate or a meal I particularly like. And I have a size 5XL zip up hoodie to hide inside. It makes me feel small and enveloped, which I like.

Once a fortnight I socialise at an event which I found through the meet-up app.

Sometimes I force myself to wear make up and try to dress in an appealing manner because it has psychosomatic effects on my feelings.

You can get through this. See a GP and don't spare them the details. They won't take your kids away. Being honest when we are struggling, is a strength.

Challenge every negative statement you've made about yourself. When we are depressed we focus on everything that's bad and what we tell ourselves is NOT true.
I'm seeing a counsellor and she challenges every negative thing I say about myself and when I hear myself saying these things, it does sound ridiculous.
Antidepressants are ok when we are really depressed but we also need someone to talk to or CBT therapy maybe.

@OccidentalPurist I really hope so. I just don’t know how to get myself back out of it if that’s the case.
I’m trying, I really am. But the smallest thing can happen or I get an idea in my head and then I’m right back where I started or worse.
I would agree that yes my 2 DS probably lead pretty normal lives. I just feel like they don’t have a normal mum to make sure they can continue to grow up so well.
It’s safe isn’t it when they’re little and you live in your own little family.
We’ve had the best times over the years.
So many amazing memories of playing and messing around with them, building dens, movie nights, cuddles in bed and reading stories, lovely days out and holidays but for some reason it just feels different now and I don’t know why.
It feels like I’m just no good anymore.
I know I sound stupid.
I know it sounds so stupid and so selfish to feel this way when we’re lucky enough to have had all that but I can’t stop the way I feel.
I feel like I’m having some sort of breakdown and the more I try to stop it the worse it gets.
I don’t know if I’m going through a breakup or not. I feel like the kindest thing I can do for my partner is to leave her be and I feel like I need to do so much work on myself but I also don’t want to loose her and although she said she can’t deal with emotions well she said she loves me and doesn’t want to not be with me either so I don’t know what I’m doing to be honest.
I try. I really try to give them the very best of me but I’m really struggling to be all that they need right now.
I know that they will have a lovely summer, I’ll make sure of it. I just feel like I want to vanish into a box though and not see anyone or do anything.
It’s better than wanting to not be here though I suppose. I’m still regularly feeling that way but I’m trying to push it away.
Thank you for your kind words.
It’s good to get a different perspective.
I realise I’m being a self pitying mess. I just can’t stop the way I feel about myself.
@PamelaTodd thank you for your kind words and thank you for asking. I had a better day yesterday until the evening. Watched something on the tv that involved a person not being in love with their partner and it set me off into a ridiculous spiral of being convinced my partner hasn’t loved me for a long time.
I feel like today has been a very bad day.
I’m trying to turn it around and be what everyone needs for the rest of the day it’s just hard.

How are you? I’m so sorry if I sound selfish in my replies. I am also interested in how other people are feeling.
@Decormad38 thank you for the words of rationality. I’m sorry you have to speak from personal experience. I will hold on, I’m making sure of it. I have an appointment for receiving counselling on the 5th August so only a week and a half to go.
I know I need help it’s just hard to admit.
But better that then leave my children without the only person they have.
@feren ok thank you. Well not ok but not the worst. My head is overwhelming and everything feels magnified but better than the reason I posted in the first place. Thank you, how are you?
@WashingMyHair247 I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough time.
It’s crap isn’t it.
Knowing you want to be the best you can be but feeling like you just constantly fail and dealing with everything going around in your head every, single, day.
I feel the same re. Children. They are my reason, my everything, the reason I feel I was put in this world and they are amazing and I feel so guilty feeling this way despite being their mum.
I’m so very sorry you had a missed miscarriage. That must have been very hard.
I can’t believe you’ve had to wait so long! What is it you’re waiting for? That’s an extremely long time to wait!
I like the way you cope. It sounds like you’re doing a great job.
Your room and your self care idea sound fantastic, I particularly like the hoodie idea!
What is the meet up app and what sort of things do they involve?
I’m in a place where I don’t feel like my friends are really my friends anymore and I struggle with my want for socialising.
I want to but I don’t. I want to push myself to be more sociable but I have such little want and will to at the moment.
I feel like people don’t really want to be around me anyway and that I am just a burden to the world and an embarrassment but I am aware that that’s probably just negative thought patterns on my part.
I hope so anyway.
Thank you for your kindness. I will speak to the counsellor in my initial appointment and see if they recommend I see the gp again I think. I know I’m being standoffish but I don’t want to waste their time and resources.
I hope you manage to continue finding ways to power through until October and I’m greatfull for your kind words despite struggling yourself, thank you.
@Limensoda I will try. I am trying, it’s just hard.
I will try antidepressants if they’ll help but I think you’re right, I think I just need to talk my way through this and get better.

@Musicandlyrics
I know, it IS easier said than done. I'm always negative. It's exhausting trying to get better

Hello, sorry it took me so long to come back and read the tag.

No idea why the wait, other than resources are stretched too far. But I've repeatedly slipped through the cracks for years.

Last night I was informed of a bereavement and the funeral is next week. He ended his life at Beachy Head. I've no idea how to control my mouth, like, ever. And I don't know what people might or might not say next week. But I have strong views that it's not selfish to do this, it's not done to upset those left behind, it's ending the suffering you cannot shake off, ever. If anything it's selfless. I'm not advocating for suicide but it sure as hell must sound like it. So, I really don't know what to say next week. I'm adhd and blurt things out so much.