so heres my story

[Uupumus]

Wife gets pregnant. i say it that way becasus she was on the pill at the time, but it turns out 'not always taking it'

its not too bad a pregnancy, but she is sore and off work for half of it because of bad muscles in iher side (same as i get cause im overweight)
i have to do pretty much everything, and im stressed about everyting, being a good parent through affording a baby, and making the house nice.

month and a half b4 the baby, i go over my ankle and sprain it badly and chip the bone. ive got alot of medical knowladge, so i know whats wrong, but i cant afford to be in a cast because without me workin we are shafted royally.

im not sleeping, and when the baby finally comes ive been awake literally 3 and a half days. i consume enough energy drink to get the 2 hour drive done and get through everything (like the 8 hours holding my wifes leg in the air standing on my broke ankle) that it starts causing me heart problems. (had to get medication because the caffine, lack of sleep and stress are killing me and sending my blood pressure into the stratosphere.

the next month, im looking after the baby most nights and bottle feeding her becaue my wife is tired. Im doing my duty, but i just want to die.

we are now a few months, in, and im no less tired. the house is a hole, because whenever one of us cleans is dosent stay that way for long. the baby is well, the wife is worried about me. and although she thinks im sleeping now i just pretent to sleep and wish for death.

Im not suicidal, not trying. but i really dont care about being alive. I play with my beautifual daughter and smile. but there is nothing behind it, she is amazing. but there is nothing left in me. i literally dont remember the last time i actually felt something. the docter says its a discociative state, and they can last a little while some times a day or so. i havent the heart to tell him (ususally cause my wife is there) that its been like this since the hospital. every time i feel a pain in my chest or my head i hope its the last one.

so cheer up. it could be worse as everyone keeps saying.

It sounds like you regret your child. It also sounds like you’re depressed. It does not sound like a dissociative state.

You need to start taking care of yourself. You need to sleep, you need to get sleeping pills and medical intervention with your weight.

You need to go back and see your GP and tell him the truth.

I'm sorry you feel like this. Having a newborn is brutal.

I’m sorry you are so sad 😔
You really need to tell someone how you feel.

Hey OP,

Things sound really tough just now, have you talked to anyone? You could give the Samaritans a call (116 123) for someone to talk to, someone to listen who isn’t a friend or family member that you can talk freely to.

i do and i dont regret my child, i think i just regret them being forced on me. as for medical interventions, ive seen many docters over the years, no one dose anything, its all the same. just diet and eat healthy food. well thats not easy on my wage. i managed to drop 20 kg a few years ago, but its all back on, because of the stress of this stuff. and when im not at work or looking after the kid, im trying to sleep.

sleeping pills dont work. tramadol worked for a while. but after a week or so i get use to it and cant sleep. they gave me heavy tranqs at one point and i got 6 hour of sleep. but you cant have more than 2 in a week because they damage your brain.

i have no one. its kind of sad. but i dont live in the uk any more. and even before i moved here i never really had any worth wile friends.

i should explain, that whenever i try to told to my wife, she just gets up set and cries. and that dose actually make me suicidal. so ive stopped trying.

theres noting much anyone can do, im just stuck in a hole. i just need someone to know. Ive always wanted a daughter. and as a bloke, i think all babys look like potatos, but i do genuinly think my potato is beautifual, and its cool how she is learning. but i dont think im going to be alive long enough to see her become a person.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture. Can your wife and you take turns with nights with your baby, and the other one sleep in a different room to get some proper sleep? Rest can make such a huge difference to your mental health. I agree with pp who said you sound depressed. Please speak to your doctor again. So sorry it’s so tough at the moment. Hang in there.

i think all babys look like potatos, but i do genuinly think my potato is beautifual

This made me

Could you do some online counselling OP? Or look for online support groups for new dads?

I'm sorry things are so hard. You really need to talk to someone. Have you tried any antidepressants?

Is your ankle still bad? See the GP about it if so, it may need to be scanned.

And go back to the doctor anyway, without your wife, and be completely honest. Maybe you need to try anti depressants. Tiny babies are exhausting. I once nearly accidentally drove off leaving my baby in a supermarket trolley I was so tired. I can still remember the stress of it all and he's an adult now.

Have you tried mirtazapine? It's an antidepressant that you take a night and a lot of people find it helps their sleep. You don't build up a tolerance to it like opioids or benzodiazepines.

You sound in a very bad way and from the amount of sleep you haven't been getting for months and months that is likely to be the main cause of your poor mental state. It sounds horrific

Go back to your GP and ask about mirtazapine and any other options they may have for you.

the sleep deprivation is because of the stress, the stress isint gonna go away, at least not untill the wife is back in work. so thats a year or so away. yeah i was depressed, but its way beyond that now, thats the problem with the discociative state. ive looked for support groups, but thers only so many times you cant hear some saying just get some sleep. its like telling a suicidial person to just be happy, or a cancer patient to just be healthy.

antidepressants have been looked at but the problem is with a disociative state the roller coaster of getting on them (your emothions can flucuate before they settle) can risk suicide or worse a psycotic break. id rather be like this, and do my duty until im not needed that rist the safety of my child.

Oh love. I’m so sorry. But you do sound very depressed, you say you aren’t but I said I wasn’t a lot - I was. Please please speak to your doctor.

the funny thing is my ankle is actually better now. i knew what i was doint with that. and sitting up with my little one was good for resting it. she is starting to sleep at night now. and the wife can get up at night wither her, all i have to do is look after her for 4 or so hours at night, and work, learn the locla language and clean, cook, do the garden and renovate the house....to be fare the wife makes me break fast some days.

part of the reason i havent spoken to the docter is my job. this could stop me working. even though im not actually dangerious, im just numb. but not having a wage coming it... so its a catch 22. be healthy and homeless, or sick and providing for my child.

the funny part (if it is funny) is that my wife is talking about having another child. technically people have died after 5 days without sleep. and i was almost at 6 during the birth. i had 7 litres of red bull. sure it would be easier if i knew it was coming. and with the ankle healing, but we arent maniging with one....

what did actually make me laugh was when the little one was getting her first docters check after getting home, i thin it was around day 10. and my wife mentioned to the nurse i wasent well so she took my blood pressure, and when white as a sheet! she literally grabed my arm and dragged me to the docters office. He dodnt belive her(this was all taking place in finnish so i wasent hearing all of it) so he re checked her results. and then he went white and showed me. my responce (because i was checking on the machine at home) was ' oh its low today' i think he thought i was gonna die in his office. 188/159 if you know what those mean.

This is so sad. I wish you lived on the Isle of Wight - I would come and help you. But you say you're not in the UK. It makes it hard to know what to suggest, because what you may need is someone like a social worker to help you.

Having your first baby is very, very tough, especially when you're struggling financially and you have no supportive relatives or friends. You're obviously suffering from huge stress about it all. Whether it's depression, I couldn't say, but unless you can get actual treatment, labelling it may not help anyway.

Seriously, don't worry about the house being a mess or anything else that's not important right now. Just concentrate on getting through the next day - one day at a time.

You're doing brilliantly - honestly! You've kept your job, you are a supportive husband and dad, your cute little potato baby is alive and healthy and you love her. No one could expect more of you.

It's awful not being able to sleep. I've had insomnia, but not for months. You lie there and everything goes round and round in your head and it just seems worse than it really is. I found it helped me to calm down and stop thinking by focusing on a list of objects, like this - think of an animal beginning with A, then one beginning with B etc. through the alphabet. Even if this doesn't help you get off to sleep, it might relax you a bit better.

I wish you luck.

Ignore @mommalittlefish, what a nasty thing to say. OP, keep talking to us and your wife but please see your GP again. I would show them what you wrote in your OP as I think the timeline of events show you have snowballed to the point where you are now.

Please ignore mommalittlefisj I’ve reported her post

@mommalittlefish reported. That was a totally unnecessary and unkind comment

To the poster above me - do fuck off, there’s a dear.
OP I have no words of wisdom but even if you are numb at the moment your love for your daughter and wife shows through. Go back to the DRs and keep going back until you get real help. Talk to your wife and suggest one night on, one off for each of you until you get past this hump.

Hey.. Its tough isn't it and all to often the dad is expected muddle through and keep these feelings quiet. You clearly are very very unwell with depression and need some help. I've been there, I know how hard it is and believe it or not with help it can and does improve but you need to be hinest and ask for that help. It took me years to ask only to find out they all wanted to help all along.. Talk to your wife, she no doubt is very worried for you but can't understand if you don't explain. Having kids is so tough sometimes and trying to mix jobs and illness and relationships into that can be overwhelming.. Just talk. It's a good start xx

Oops, didn’t read the whole of the first post.

It is unfair to blame the baby on your wife though.

I’d go back to your GP.