so heres my story

[Uupumus]

Wife gets pregnant. i say it that way becasus she was on the pill at the time, but it turns out 'not always taking it'

its not too bad a pregnancy, but she is sore and off work for half of it because of bad muscles in iher side (same as i get cause im overweight)
i have to do pretty much everything, and im stressed about everyting, being a good parent through affording a baby, and making the house nice.

month and a half b4 the baby, i go over my ankle and sprain it badly and chip the bone. ive got alot of medical knowladge, so i know whats wrong, but i cant afford to be in a cast because without me workin we are shafted royally.

im not sleeping, and when the baby finally comes ive been awake literally 3 and a half days. i consume enough energy drink to get the 2 hour drive done and get through everything (like the 8 hours holding my wifes leg in the air standing on my broke ankle) that it starts causing me heart problems. (had to get medication because the caffine, lack of sleep and stress are killing me and sending my blood pressure into the stratosphere.

the next month, im looking after the baby most nights and bottle feeding her becaue my wife is tired. Im doing my duty, but i just want to die.

we are now a few months, in, and im no less tired. the house is a hole, because whenever one of us cleans is dosent stay that way for long. the baby is well, the wife is worried about me. and although she thinks im sleeping now i just pretent to sleep and wish for death.

Im not suicidal, not trying. but i really dont care about being alive. I play with my beautifual daughter and smile. but there is nothing behind it, she is amazing. but there is nothing left in me. i literally dont remember the last time i actually felt something. the docter says its a discociative state, and they can last a little while some times a day or so. i havent the heart to tell him (ususally cause my wife is there) that its been like this since the hospital. every time i feel a pain in my chest or my head i hope its the last one.

so cheer up. it could be worse as everyone keeps saying.

Next thing - you need to deal with your resentment towards your wife, and quite possibly end the marriage. You clearly dislike her and think she is taking shameless advantage of you, using you to get pregnant, avoiding doing anything and heaping it all on you despite your health problems, turning on the waterworks whenever you try to put yourself first. This may all be true (although we only have your side as usual on these boards). But you need to act on this, because if she is a manipulative user she will keep on taking from you until you say no. You need to stop being so passive. Your daughter will do better with a father who is alive, regardless of if her parents are together or not.

Does your wife have family nearby who can support her if you go back to the UK and stay with family for a little while? I think you need some support and access to the NHS quite urgently as from what you describe your doctor's in Finland are not being proactive enough about your very serious mental illness. You are on the brink of a breakdown and could easily become a danger to your wife and child as well as yourself.

1. You are not in a dissociative state. Don’t be ridiculous and no medical professional has told you this. Over stating your situation is not helping you or your family.

1. You ARE exhausted and if not already, on the cusp of depression. This is a very serious condition without all the histrionics, so get help for it immediately. How you are feeling is valid and treatable.

1. In the meantime, go to bed (alone) in the evening and do not try to sleep or worry about sleeping. Just lie in the dark quietly on your own and be still. If you get intrusive thoughts, you can shut them down by humming something to yourself or distracting yourself with something you like to think about. Personally I like to imagine what my children’s future life will be like or what they’ll look like when they grow up. Use whatever thought you enjoy and expand on it, imagine details etc until the intrusive thought has passed. Try not to imagine anything sexual.

1. Your wife is a new mother. Stop blaming her for how you’re feeling and work together. If you feel you’re doing the lions share, tell her and redistribute the load.

1. If you’re at risk of a second baby that means you’re having sex. This is good since if you were in as dire situation as you say, that would not be possible/ you wouldn’t be willing to. Having sex while the baby is so young is an achievement in itself

I actually don’t think you’re any worse than any new parents, it’s just been a shock to you and you’ve got caught up in thinking you’re not normal and something else must be wrong. You’re doing fine, just pull your head up for 2 seconds and appreciate what you have. You have a gorgeous new baby and a loving wife, a job, a home.

I say this kindly OP and as someone who’s prone to feeling like you’re feeling: you’ve got to stop over dramatising this in your head and recognise it for what it really is: bone deep exhaustion and a mood disorder related to this. Nothing more.

Do you actually sleep - I think the caffeine from the energy drinks has given you insomnia so you just dont sleep which is causing all the issues.

You need to get some proper medical advice because truthfully the caffeine is killing you - yoru wife is worried and I think assuming that the split is fair but because you are not sleeping due to the insomnia you are never catching up

Because that is the thing she isnt taking advantage of you because she doesnt know the truth as far as she is concerned she had a difficutl pregnancy you supported her through the fact you did not tell her about your ankle has means she doenst know. No one does. and until you tell them like you have told us no one can.

That sounds so tough, OP 💐

My recommendation for sleep & health:
cut out the energy drinks - they will keep you awake

and the amounts you reported drinking are dangerous

As pp said:

• drop any non-essential house / garden plans

• discuss with your wife how to fairly share the essential tasks and the downtime - is she disabled / ill / PND ?

• see the GP on your own, be honest,
  tell them about your energy drink consumption - they can help wen you off, ask about depression

• explain to your wife you can't cope with another DC - but use condoms too, because she may not get on with the pill

OP ...if you want to live..for yourself and your family you need to get help and fast....doing nothing cannot be an option here.You are in a mess through sheer exhaustion and you will not be able to function or think clearly and logically.You need help quickly.Do you or your wife have any family who could come and stay for a while? or friends? You seem to be focusing too much on trying to be and do everything and this won;t help you....forget the grand plans and try to focus on doing one thing at a time and place everything else on the back burner for now....first thing to focus on though is you for a bit...get your head and body in the right place..forget the messy house,forget it ,,its not a problem....sort you out first.otherwise you will be no good to your daughter who needs you....your wife has had a baby she is not ill either .....you need to start pulling together to find a workable solution.Is she on mat leave and will she be returning to work soon? That might help financially whilst you take some time out to sort you out....

I haven't read the full thread. I have to go to work but the first thing that jumped out at me is that you need to get sugar and energy drinks out of your life. They will literally kill you. You are going from sugar spike to sugar spike. You need to fast for a while and then when your sugar is down start to eat proper food. Meat and green veggies and salad. No high carb stuff. anything that will keep your insulin production down and your vitamin and minerals up. If you sorted out your diet as a priority you would start to feel amazing.

Hmmm... the social and medical care in Finland is excellent. Why are you attending the GP with your wife? They all speak English in that part of the world. You need to start looking for help properly and stop the blame game etc. If you are in the state you say you are, then attend the A&E and you will get immediate help.

It’s been so tough for you.
When your sleep and health is suffering then things are pretty bad.

You really need to look at those two things to help your situation to improve. It’s not going to be easy because you still need to get on with work, parenting and your day to day things.
For the time being stop doing any non essential and prioritise your health. You can’t be your best for others when you’re suffering so much.

• get rid of the energy drinks
• start going for short walks in places you find calming. Somewhere in nature
• start looking at getting more fruit and veg in your diet.
• look at ways you can improve your sleep. Google articles or buy a book. I think one was recommended earlier. Use ear plugs or sleep in a separate room For a few days to get you back on track.
• Talk to your dr about your depression

Hi OP, I hope you come back, ignore the nasty, unhelpful comments.

Keep talking to us on here, we’ll try to get you.

Help, not get.

Hi OP,
I hope you are reading the thread or read it later - even if you aren't posting.

It is my understanding that the link between anti-depressants and suicide is because some people feel suicidal and the anti-depressant gives them energy and motivation which they didn't have. You are motivated to be there for your family (and so get better) and will direct your uplift in mood into this. Discuss your worries re suicide with your GP and see if they can help put your mind at rest.

I am convinced my husband became unwell because he is hard working and conscientious and trys very hard to be a good worker, partner, dad etc. He never says "no I can't/won't do that for you" and I think he was under such a lot of pressure and stress but wouldn't/couldn't take control of it(e.g. say no) so eventually his well being started to break down. He wasn't logical at this point. Slowly but surely meds and rest made a huge difference (not that slowly - weeks - maybe a couple of months).

You need to confide and your doctor. If they don't know then they can't help you. Are there any big changes you can make that will help you? Is there a relatives home you can go to who can wrap you in a bubble (with your family) while you start to recover. You mention your wife being off work is stressing you _ if she thought it would help she might go back sooner.

Compare your mental well being to your injured ankle. It has been damaged and it can and will recover but the more you can help it with rest and medical treatment the quicker you will see recovery.

Would love to hear an update that you have visited your GP/are trying meds.

the social and medical care in Finland is excellent.

Quite, and the employment rights. So where is the paternity leave and paid holiday being used?

Finland is in the EU so at a min there is 20 days paid annual leave and two weeks paternity, but I think Finland has enhanced laws around this. Unless the OP is self-employed I guess but even then I think the benefits system is good.

OP, you have found yourself in a real mess. You need both practical support and emotional support. I really feel for you, and your wife, but me feeling sorry for you isn't helpful. Let's look at the practicalities.
I'm not sure how old your baby is, I'm assuming a few months? If so, she should be in some sort of sleep routine by now. My mantra is, when baby sleeps, parent sleeps. So when she is napping, you need to rest too.
You say you are overweight and seem to live off energy drinks. Enough people on here have told you how dangerous they are. They are playing havoc with your body clock and metabolism and ultimately can kill you by bringing on heart attacks. So do not drink any more from now on. Try drinking sugar free cordial.
Diet: sit down together and make a realistic weekly meal plan, make a list of all the ingredients, go shopping for them and stick to the plan. Don't buy any junk food or snacks. Foods that tend to be low in sugar tend to be high in fats and vice versa. There's an online blog by Jack Monroe with tons of healthy recipes that are also very cheap to cook. I'll find the link for you. Remember, losing weight is a long term goal. Better to aim to lose a couple of pounds a week than a stone a month! Increase your exercise, take baby for a long walk but make sure you walk fast enough to be slightly breathless. Your wife will benefit from this too.
Housework: have a big box in each room to put the crap in at the end of each day so that when you get up, the rooms look relatively tidy. That will make you feel a bit better! Clean one room at a time, e.g. Bathroom gets a deep clean every Saturday, kitchen every Sunday etc. (I used to clean the bathroom whilst my kids were in the bath)

Sleep: there are several factors affecting your sleep. 1. You're not sharing looking after the baby during the night. Again, make a rota of which nights you're each doing, and stick to it. When it's your night to get up, make sure you go t bed as early as possible. 2. You're overweight. This can lead to sleep apnoea. Speak to your GP about this. If it's your night to not get up, wear ear plugs, don't panic about not actually sleeping, just rest in bed. 3. Your mental health. You sound very much like you have depression. Again, speak to your GP and if they advise medication, TAKE IT!

If you don't want more children, then you need to take precautions and not rely on your wife to do so. Do you feel that she tricked you into having this baby? You need to be honest with her, make sure she knows how much you now love this child but having another is not an option at the moment.
Life sounds really tough for you at the moment, but honestly, one day you'll wake up and think differently. You just can't see it yet.

Not RTFT properly but I wonder if you need an element of control back

Take turns to have two rim three really good nights sleep each whilst the other does night feeds

Sleep at another house or hotel if possible

Take antihistamines to get sleepy and have a hot bath and no booze either as it's a shit night sleep

Can you have some time off work or do you not get paid?

Can family perhaps have your child over night?

This early stage it's team work to get through it, it's hard but I promise it gets easier (ignore the idiots who say it's easy with a newborn - it's one of the hardest things I've ever done )

Good luck and try taking a couple of antihistamines to get a decent sleep occasionally

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Of course we know that these links might not offer the immediate help that a local doctor will, but at least it's a start and might boost you just enough to make the call for RL help.

I think you have anxiety which is causing you to believe that you are about to die. It sounds as though you didn't get your ankle x-rayed? If that is the case then there is no way you could know that you chipped a bone, how ever much medical knowledge you have.

I have anxiety which has manifested in worrying about my health and fearing death, so I understand what a terrifying feeling it is. But, you have become a father to an unplanned baby and you need to think about how you can function better for her.

You need to talk to your doctor about anxiety meds.

please could you print out your post and take it to the doctor? Might be easier than trying to sum it all up while you're there.
Thinking of you.

Hi OP, just wanted to say that there are other types of therapy available other than medication if you can get referred to a psychiatric team. In the UK you might be offered DBT although I'm not sure what the setup is where you are. Dissociation and suicidal thoughts can be associated with other psychiatric disorders/problems and it would be worth getting a thorough review and diagnosis IMO.

How are you doing OP? Are you feeling any better?
I am currently suffer MH issues and it is the shittest of all shit things. I understand the dissociative and disconnected thing. Your basic personality is there but behind a fogged mirror. I think it is the brains way of protecting itself until better times come along. The trouble is in this modern world, better times don't come along unless we make them come along and therein lies the paradox.
Accept that it will be gradual and get all the help you can.

Sorry pressed too soon. Something I find helps it to try and listen to the rhythm of an internal clock. At first it was fast and wildy all over the place but gradually I got it to slow and tick with a rhythm. I started thinking before I spoke every single time. I started thinking about everything in more detail in order to try and sort the things I needed to deal with from the things I did not. This 'slowing' sort of gave me space to heal. The slowing made me feel like I had more control as I thought about what I said before I said it or sometimes I was silent completely. You have to slightly go into a meditative state but it really is helpful OP.

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