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Original poster

To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

272 replies

Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

OP posts:
Breastfeedingworries · 17/05/2019 12:56

How are things now op? Sad xx

SouthernComforts · 17/05/2019 13:36

Oh wow this sounds so so hard, I really feel for you. And I totally understand your frustration with the so called professionals, my experience of SALT was exactly the same.

I hope you get some support very soon.

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2019 13:51

Op I know you say it's impossible to keep your eye on the kids at all time, but please please make sure there is no leaving your son with any of his sisters. The fact your daughter currently has six cuts on her face shows that she has been left with him unsupervised. He could seriously hurt her.

Wonkybanana · 17/05/2019 15:02

And OP, you say surely he can't remember a time when it was just you and him. Maybe not, but it made him jealous and angry and he still is - he just doesn't know why or how it started any more.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/05/2019 15:34

Hope today went well Thanks

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:04

GP was less than little help, I did get a prescription for AD but honestly don't feel like I need them :/
The lady just said to contact the social work and tell them I'm still struggling, I started crying and even said it's more than struggling. Every day I wake up wishing I hadn't but she just said the ADs will help with that but I only feel like because of my son!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:09

And yes she is left with him, they "play" in the garden together but I can't sit watching them forever and bringing them inside won't help because I can't watch them in there either. I need to make dinner, clean up, change the baby, get ready for work.

Like one time I had gotten up to get the TV remote and he kicked her in the face, I was still in the room just my back to him!!!

I got up to shut the living room door which is 5/6 steps from the couch and he dropped a toy laptop onto the baby

I fell asleep in the couch(rare!) But woke up to him pouring dds milk out(his reason, he just liked it)

I took my eyes off the kitchen window to grab washing up liquid and he had pushed her over.

He has once or twice came out of his room, opened dds door and threw random stuff in to wake her up, when she comes to the stair gate he will smack her(have that one on camera but I was at work when it actually happened)

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:12

It's easy for you to say keep them apart, but how? How do you actually propose I do this?

I'm not carting children to the toilet with me, I barely get any peace as it is!! But on my old thread when I said I lock myself and the girls in the kitchen to make dinner, christ I was stoned for it! But that is keeping them apart which has been suggested so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!!

OP posts:
SoyDora · 17/05/2019 17:13

To be honest, you having peace on the toilet is less important than your DD not getting hurt.

formerbabe · 17/05/2019 17:17

Op...what did you ask the doctor?

Did you specifically say "I want you to arrange for my son to be formally assessed for additional needs, in relation to his lack of speech and behaviour".

You need to spell it out I'm afraid, be very polite but firm and insistent.

Parents of children with special needs have to really work hard to access the correct support.

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2019 17:21

Sorry op but you need to take one of your children to the toilet with you. Kicking her in the face, dropping things on the baby, forcing her to eat stones?? You cannot risk her coming to any more harm. If that means no more peaceful toilet breaks for now then so be it. Sorry to sound like a dick but I'm just scared he could seriously hurt your children

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:21

8 times out of 10 dd will follow me to the toilet anyway 😅 but there's always the odd occasion she doesn't.
Deep down I know it isn't as important but why should I take my children to the toilet just so my shit head son doesn't misbehave?! Why can't he just learn to just sit there and not do anything bad!!
Probably gonna get flamed for calling him a shithead 😂 but its incredibly frustrating. I haven't had a single hour to myself since the baby was born, now I gotta start taking the kids to the fucking toilet? It's a joke.

I haven't showered in a week because I have nobody to watch over them as it is, and by the time they go to bed I'm just so tired I'd rather sleep than wash.

I've said it before but honestly my life is so shit, is barely even worth living. I'd rather just have it over and done with and slit my wrists.

OP posts:
TacoLover · 17/05/2019 17:22

I'm not carting children to the toilet with me, I barely get any peace as it is!!

I know that you're at your wits end OP, but you need to do whatever is humanly possible to keep your daughter safe and that is more important than your peace on the toilet. How can you even relax knowing that your son is abusing your daughter while you're gone anyway?

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:24

If you're that scared come take him!!! I honestly do not want him anymore. I can't love him, I clearly can't parent him.

If I don't allow him outside he will break things in the house, break his toys, so I do prefer trying to get them outside for a bit but like I said I physically cannot watch them every minute so what the heck do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:25

I usually have the bathroom door open so I can see into the living room anyway, I'm never more than 2 minutes but I realise what you're all saying but it's just so shit.
How has my life come to having to cart my two children to the toilet.

OP posts:
Sleephead1 · 17/05/2019 17:29

it sounds very hard and I'm sure with 3 little ones things are very overwhelming. Can you keep a diary every day of what has gone on it might be helpful to show the health professionals. I'm in the process of volunteering for a organisation safer family's ( I'm not sure if they are in Scotland) they are a charity and people can be referred to them via social care( it's voluntary) They can offer over night care or just a few hours a week to help mum or take child out to give mum a break would it be worth seeing if this is a option ? either to look after the girls while you had one to one with your son or to take your son to give you a break ? Could you ring your social worker and explain what is going on again and you are really worried one of your other children will be seriously hurt and see what support they can offer. Is he starting school this year ? if so hopefully they will be able to pick up on any issues relating to speech and get the ball rolling. Are you being pushy about the help and support you need ? sorry if that's a silly question but sometimes I think you have to really stand your ground or it's easy to be fobbed off. Good luck and I hope you are able to get some help with your son he's so little and obviously in need of some support which is so difficult for you when no one seems to be offering you any help

foreverhanging · 17/05/2019 17:31

Op I think the time has come to ask SS to 'observe' your parenting to get the next step. But really it'll be observing his behaviour. I really think you have to start shouting loud. I know it feels like you're walking through treacle, but you HAVE to

ThanksThanksThanks

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2019 17:34

Did you tell the gp you can't cope anymore? And that you don't want to look after your son? I'm struggling to understand why no professionals are doing anything or helping you if you've told them everything you're saying here

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:35

They already come in to observe, they've done it twice now and each thing has been logged with the cahms form. But surprise surprise he does not misbehave once!!!! Like I told them that would happen, I told them it would be a waste of time because ds is aware of them. So he won't do anything.
Cahms are never going to give me the time of day when everybody else just says there is no problems 😭

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formerbabe · 17/05/2019 17:36

Even if his behaviour was perfect all the time, just his speech alone is reason enough for an assessment for sn imo.

Marvelendgame · 17/05/2019 17:37

Op I'm not just doing you, honestly I'm not, you sound at the end of your tether. But are you saying these things to your son? Calling him a shithead? Saying that you don't love him?

I think that you should at least try taking the anti depressants that the doctor has prescribed.

I'm appalled that SS aren't doing more to help you.

longtimelurkerhelen · 17/05/2019 17:38

@Failureforaparent01 Well it seems the only thing to do is show them evidence. You can get cctv/video fairly cheap now. Show them the video evidence and then they can't deny it is happening.

cake778 · 17/05/2019 17:39

OP, have you had a 'child in need' assessment?
There is some more information on this here: www.frg.org.uk/1-faqs-for-parents

If you are refused one, here is how to challenge it:
www.frg.org.uk/images/Advice_Sheets/25-challenging-decisions-and-making-complaints.pdf

I think the AD will help you. Try not to be so defeatist about the CAHMS observation. If they don't observe the issues, ask them to record your observations and follow up on the next steps. Don't be afraid of asking how to complain and escalate the issue.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:40

Well the social work is observing my parenting style, as asked by cahms to do for ds to be put on the waiting list. Cahms I think, correct me if I'm wrong would be able to identify autism or adhd? I'm not really sure what they actually do tbh!

I did take ds to the gp with me (he sat with my friend in the waiting room while I was describing the worst stuff!!) And even the gp doesn't reckon there's much of a problem with his speech so it's obviously me over reacting.

I asked about Sen, to get more help identifying it and they said I'd have to ask the school.
When I mentioned a paediatrician, they said ask the HV.
I said I can't cope with him, I hate him, I either wish he was dead or I was. When asked if I pose a threat to him I said no, so they pretty much said because he is safe they wont do anything but that the ADs should help with the low mood Angry

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Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 17:44

But on to some good news I managed to get ds enrolled on a summer soft play/messy play/dance thing that is on for 4 days! So at least that gets him out the house for a couple of hours and doing his own thing over the holidays. Quite proud of that tbh, 6 weeks in the house - I'm gonna get through a shit ton of alcohol!!

God no of course I do not call him a shit head! Honestly the worst thing I have ever called him is a bad, disgusting boy.
I've been totally raw and honest on here so I'm sure you can all believe me on that!
I have nothing left to hide, I'm fed up pretending I feel rosy and that everything is wonderful. My language might shock some of you but it's just how I feel/saying things from my head

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