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Original poster

To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

272 replies

Failureforaparent01 · 16/05/2019 16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

OP posts:
Shitsandgigglez · 17/05/2019 08:12

@Failureforaparent01 why do you feel there is no SEN even though he has no speech? That is an SEN in itself.

I hope that you've felt that this thread has helped you in someway. There's been lots of great advice. I hope things improve soon

SoyDora · 17/05/2019 08:17

I was just about to say what Shitsandgigglez said. Almost no understandable speech at nearly 5 is an SEN.

formerbabe · 17/05/2019 08:22

He should be being assessed. One of my dc had a speech delay...by four years old, they were being assessed by several different specialists. You need to see your gp and push for this.

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/05/2019 08:32

Your girls do need to be kept safe. True he is 5 but they are no less hurt because of his age. Honestly I can't imagine bringing another baby into this situation given his behaviour to his first sister but there you go. You need to see your gp and ask for a camhs and ss referral.

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 08:42

Like I said dd was a contraception failure.
We already have a social worker and are nearly on the waiting list for cahms 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 08:49

And I stupidly thought that by the time the baby was born, suuuuuurely he must have grown out of it by then!!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 17/05/2019 09:09

why do you feel there is no SEN even though he has no speech? That is an SEN in itself

Absolutely....a speech delay/disorder is a special need. It may also be a symptom of something else or another condition. In either case, a speech delay/disorder can result in tantrums/meltdowns/poor behaviour as the child feels frustrated at their difficulty in communicating. That combined with jealousy towards his new siblings then I'm not surprised this is happening.

If i was you I'd

Push for a referral and assessment to investigate if he has sn.

Lots of one on one time, attention, praise.

crispysausagerolls · 17/05/2019 09:13

How are you today OP?

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 09:21

Formerbabe they aren't exactly new though, is it just me being naive? I realise he is jealous maybe but would he actually be able to remember a time when it was just me and him?
Surely by now the eldest dd should be all he has known?

The nursery have never indicted anything like SEN, they think he is coming along brilliantly they've said he has little speech but he would point to what he wants so they still manage to understand him. Surely they'd be the first to notice something like that?

I'm okay I think, I had a good cry last night.
I have a dr app for 11.10 today so I'll be glad to get to that.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 17/05/2019 09:44

they've said he has little speech but he would point to what he wants so they still manage to understand him

I’m honestly a bit shocked by this. ‘Managing to understand him’ is not what is expected of a 4 year old who will be at school soon. How will he cope at school with limited speech?
Do you think his speech is normal for his age?

user1494670108 · 17/05/2019 09:48

Did you post a couple of months ago about getting a dining table to eat at and encouraging your dd not to stand in front of the tv when he's watching it?
You sound at the end of your tether but sometimes it can help to take the long view ie compared to three months ago is sleep better for example? Or mealtimes?
Keep trying, you're doing your best and all 3 of your kids deserve that

formerbabe · 17/05/2019 09:49

Failureforaparent01

My dc are older and there's only a two year age gap but they still occasionally feel jealous of each other if they think I'm giving one more attention than the other so I make a conscious effort to have one on one time with each of them on the weekend.

As for the speech, I'm amazed more is not being done. My dc had a speech delay and salt/gp referred us to be assessed...also for a hearing test. You need to push for these.

foreverhanging · 17/05/2019 09:56

Good luck at the GP today op

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 10:08

I've already said he has had a hearing test done, 3 times as the first time they thought it might have been glue ear but they checked and checked again and his hearing is fine.
Yes that was me about the dining table, meal times aren't any better. But his sleep has always been fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 10:12

No I don't think it's normal, it hasn't ever been normal. He didn't start any words until 2 and a half. But we have meetings with the speech and language and omfg it's so frustrating how useless it is. I'm sorry but it is.
This is how it goes.

We walk in, thousands of toys so ds runs to them. Lady asks what he likes playing with, he will hold up a train for example.
She says train... T .. R .. A .. I .. N
And again tttrrraaaaaainnnnnnn

He will pick up a block,
She says B .. L .. O .. C .. K
block! That block is blue! Do you like blocks?
At this point he nods.

Asks me if I get down to his level to speak with him, asks if I read any books to him, asks if there's ever any quiet time in the day (😂😂 that's always hilarious)
Then books another meeting down the line

OP posts:
formerbabe · 17/05/2019 10:14

Failureforaparent01 sorry, I hadn't read the whole thread...it is pretty long now!

Original poster
Failureforaparent01 · 17/05/2019 10:14

Sometimes that meeting will be cancelled due to toddler needing drs/baby got HV/working so it could be 2 month before we go to another one but they drop into his nursery from time to time and say 'he is getting there'
I've told them my 2yr dd can talk better than he can!! And they just mmhmm and nod

OP posts:
user1494670108 · 17/05/2019 10:40

FFP01 if he's not now disturbing your daughter's sleep and she's safe in her bed then sleep is better.
It seems clear that speech is the one to focus on, can you escalate this in some way? Talk to your doctor about it and about your experience so far as it sounds really poor

cherryblossomgin · 17/05/2019 11:07

The nursery probably find him easier because they haven't dealt with his behaviours also it's a positive that he does behave in nursery with the other kids. You have all the memories of his behaviours and that can be difficult to get past. I use an app called wisdo for getting support for my mental health and it really helps me talk to people going through the same as me.

Have you thought of making a communication board? You could have pictures of feelings and also things he wants. You could get him to point to how he is feeling. Also maybe try giving him an activity that is his responsibility like growing a plant. He could plant the seeds and look after them. It could be an activity you do for 10 minutes each day that's your time with him.

potatosaladnquiche · 17/05/2019 11:39

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formerbabe · 17/05/2019 11:54

@potatosaladnquiche

What an awful post and really not useful.

The ops DS is nearly 5 and has what sounds like severe difficulty with his speech. That alone is a special need...but could also be a symptom of something else.

He is a child who needs some professional help and support as do the family....not to be branded as 'evil'.

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2019 11:57

@potatosaladnquiche

What a ridiculous post.

corythatwas · 17/05/2019 12:19

My dd also tried to hurt her baby brother when she was a toddler- she was 3.5 when he was born. Jealousy but also, I think, generalised anxiety arising from undiagnosed SN.

What we did at the time was: make sure they were never together unaccompanied. She went with me to the loo, if I couldn't be sure she would stay next to my side, I made sure she couldn't get into the same room as him. This obviously wouldn't have worked at age 5, but being very careful about it at an early stage gave her less chance of building up resentment from hurting him and seeing our distress and anger.

When there were any signs of developmental problems, we did our best to get help asap. Didn't always work, you have to keep on pushing. But we did keep on pushing and it was worth while.

By age 10 dd's violent outbursts had stopped and it was many years since she had taken her anger out on anyone except me. We had also found out what was causing her anger: she had a combination of chronic pain/physical disability and severe anxiety.

She has grown up into a lovely adult whom I am very proud of, but is unable to function without medication. It seems her MH issues were probably genetic, certainly were with her from the start, but exacerbated by living with SN which nobody understood.

In your case, I can't get my head round how nursery can be so laidback. Your son's speech problems are a SERIOUS issue. They must make life very difficult for him and he is old enough to know that they make him different from other children. Soon he will be at school- just imagine how hard it will be for him there!

Dd had a friend whose speech and general ability to understand and reason was badly behind- in her case it was glue ear. Her behaviour was also very difficult and I think we were all convinced it was a case of ASD until she got help and started hearing. Her behaviour was transformed.

If I were you, I would make getting help for your son the absolute priority for now on. Be prepare to rebook anything else, any other appointment, this has got to come first, for everybody's sake. Go and see your GP. If you get no help, go and see him again. Explain that you feel your son is a danger to others. Explain that he will be unable to cope with school. Tell them you are convinced there is a problem that needs attention. Be prepared to jump through any hoops, let them assess you in any way, open your doors to SS- just get him help!

crispysausagerolls · 17/05/2019 12:43

How did the GP go?

Lemonsquinky · 17/05/2019 12:55

potatosaladnquiche, what a horrible thing to write. Children are not born evil. He's a little boy who obviously has some unidentified SN.