Thread for those with adult ADHD or who think they might have ADHD

[Borntobedifferent]

So I've put this into mental health as although it isn't really a mental health issue it tends to be discovered (in adults) when there is other mental health issues.

I've written a few times elsewhere on here about my ADHD but thought it might be nice to have an ongoing thread.

All that i ask is that we focus on adult ADHD as I'm sure there is other threads for those with children with ADHD.

I am nearly a year diagnosed now (I'm 37) and am on Elvanse 40mg and amfexa 5mg first thing in the morning.

I am so on 200mg sertraline and diazepam as by the time I was diagnosed I was just totally broken.

I have a therapist and today I started with an ADHD coach, I have to learn to accept my past and to embrace the positives of ADHD but it's not an easy thing to do.

Right, I've followed you onto this thread from the lateness one, I changed my name though because I want to be able to be honest and not worry about my posting history on this thread.

But, I wanted to link on this thread the book Driven to Distraction which is what helped me recognise the symptoms on myself.

The book is referred to on numerous websites and in lots of articles, so I thought I'd look at it when researching what was going on with DS2. It's hard to self diagnose when facing a list of symptoms, because you know, we ALL forget things sometimes, we ALL procrastinate, we are ALL sometimes late.... but when I looked at the case studies I almost cried with a mixture of relief and anger at recognising myself.

I have been referred by the GP, but its a minimum of 12 months waiting period - he was very reluctant though and I had to seriously push for the referral. However I'm moving to Australia later this year and don't think I will be seen before I go. I will get private health insurance, so after 2 months waiting I should be able to seek a diagnosis privately.

I have 2 degrees, and without fail every single one of my papers was completed sometime between 2 and 5 am in the morning on the day it was due to be submitted.

I breezed through school right up until about year 10 because I was naturally bright and could understand maths and the sciences with minimal effort. From then when it got harder and a bit of effort was actually required my grades went down.

My house is in complete chaos at the moment. And I mean real chaos, I am trying desperately to sort it out, but it feels like I just have to throw everything out and start again, which is pointless as I'm moving countries. I also feel terrible guilt at just throwing things out as well, and have hoarding tendencies (do others have hoarding tendencies?). I just never know when I'm going to need something urgently - mainly because I've never been organised enough to sort things out in advance. So emergency costumes for World Book Day can be whipped up the night before using old clothes, fabric remnants, various bits of craft items I have stashed around the house.....

I've pretty much cracked being on time for routine things, with absolute ruthlessness. I don't bother with breakfast before I head out, no time. DSs have a set breakfast, and we have to be at the table by 7.45 at the latest. As they eat I make lunch for DS2, and iron shirts, locate pants and socks etc from the clean clothes baskets …. (sigh....) and then send them up to brush teeth and get dressed.

I work from home, so I can do it like that. I get home, then have some breakfast, and if I need to have a shower (because I didn't manage it before 7.45) I'll have it then. I also swear by dry shampoo, the number of times I've had to use that because I haven't had time to wash my hair in the shower, and I've gone to bed too late at night (or early hours in the morning to be more accurate) to wash it then.

Workwise I'm terrible at procrastinating, and frequently work late into the night to get things done urgently when I had enough time to get them done during the day, but just flitted from task to task (and spending too much time on MN).

So.… here I am!

Someone asked why people don't like me and want to tell me that? It has taken a great deal of therapy and time reflecting to understand.

I think mostly it's because I don't see social structures. So with any club, hobby group or even job there is some sort of social structure of how people perceive their importance within that group, those near the top then use that as a way to feel good about themselves.

Then I arrive at my new hobbies happy excited and break right through not even realising what I am doing. Somehow within a short period of time I know everyone and everyone knows me. I haven't done this to piss off anyone or tread on toes I'm just happy to be there.

But people's toes are trod on and I am percieved as cocky and full of myself. So not only do people not like me they find great joy in telling me. Telling me I'm not liked, not welcome in that group or that town I moved to. I am left upset and confused.

The poster above is right re diagnosis. The issue with ADHD is the list of symptoms is things we all do sometimes. Think about how often you do them and if you do them to your own personal detriment. So I just sent a fit note in 2 weeks late for my ESA meaning my benefits will be stopped.

Sometimes I tell people if someone turned up at my house with a cheque for £1 million pounds it would take me weeks to cash it as I hate going to the bank so would put it off.

The story that really resonated with me was Michelle who started ADHD action. Her story was so similar to mine and helped me overcome the myth that we'll behaved children can't have it.

www.adhdaction.org/ADHD-Stories/Michelles-story

Born

*Soon impulsive decision making began to make an impact. I no longer wanted to be in the Oxbridge group in 6th Form, in there to apply for medicine. I had had a couple of lead roles in school musicals, so I decided on a whim I wanted to be a professional actor.

From bright working-class kid with a high IQ and a bursary to a private school, I flunked my A levels, luckily being offered a place at a good university to read theatre. But I felt a failure every single day, not for making that choice, but for my scatterbrain and disorganisation. Daily shame*

From Michelle’s story. This is me. That’s my life. Gave up Oxbridge path in 6th year to do singing modules on a whim. Gave up uni after one year and winning the prize for French to do a portfolio course for art school. Spent years regretting my impulsiveness and idiot brain. I could cry.

Oh sorry, I wasn't meaning to ask you personally, I was meaning it in more of a solidarity, can't believe it kind of way, because it's happened for me too. But I think you're absolutely spot on about social structures. I have never understood them either. At school this simply meant I was totally bottom of any pile and/or universally laughed at. I don't think I've tried too hard to join any groups like you mention as an adult but yes sometimes I get that sense that I'm completely missing huge swathes of stuff that is going on.

My grandad despairs at me not cashing birthday cheques.

I have totally fucked up all of my educational stuff. Everything post 16. I did fantastically at GCSEs - not quite as fantastically as expected, and in hindsight, I got the same grades in my mocks as I did in my actual GCSEs, which means I didn't actually progress at all during my final year of school which astounds me in terms of nobody noticing. But I passed everything with Cs and above. A few As as well. Everyone in my family was ecstatic, I was going to be the first to go to university, etc.

Then I did a graphics BTEC at college - was meant to be equivalent to 4 A Levels + Art Foundation course. But it was far too open ended and unstructured for me to cope so I kept falling behind and in the end they entered me for a national certificate rather than the national diploma because I was too far behind to catch up and that's how they kept up their high pass rate at that college. I'd done university interviews and everything.

So I did A Levels instead (Media, Business, Philosophy and Psychology). I recognised it had been too independent for me (didn't have a clue about ADHD at this stage) and thought A Levels ought to be better. They were going well except I still had too much freedom and had got a bit too used to bunking off classes now I realised that actually nothing terrible immediately happened, having previously been the MOST goody two shoes ever, so I quit one course with a spurious reason and kept being late or bunking off the others and ended up with crap grades after AS Levels, and questionable boyfriend of the moment convinced me that uni was a waste of time anyway and I should just get a job, so I did. Not that it went anywhere.

Had DS1, left the questionable boyfriend and decided to revisit the idea of university, so went to college to enquire about access courses. They said that I could probably just apply directly to university as a mature student, so I did. I jumped through a massive amount of hoops and so on to enrol, survive on benefits, get funding, childcare, etc - got onto the course, was ecstatic. I studied sociology and was thinking about being a social worker. At the end of the second year (which was still technically first year) I got myself into a flap about the exams as I hadn't revised and my childcare for the Saturday exams was shaky so I asked my now-DH what to do, he said don't go in, just do the resits but prepare for them. So I did that, but then did no revision, and then accidentally booked flights so I was in another country when the resits were, and I remembered this while I was in the other country. So effectively I didn't even complete my first year of university.

Then now-DH and I had decided to give it a go living in Germany so I did a CELTA, which is meant to be postgrad level - actually FINISHED that and passed it with excellent grades, the first thing in about 8 years I had managed! And I got close to failing that as well.

But I am fucked now - people assume when they speak to me that I'm educated and have a degree but I don't, and then if I ever mention that they say oh well, you can do it as a mature student - but I can't, because I don't have any internationally recognised school-leaving qualifications. It's like a weird secret shame that I left school at 16 with nothing since. I'm sort of looking into OU now but I don't know. It is just crap I don't feel like a real adult. I have no employment history except for the English teaching and no training either.

Actually, Danae, moving countries was excellent at cutting down on my clutter, but did age DH spectacularly as he turned up 2 days before we were meant to fly out and join him and I'd packed about, er, three boxes. He somehow whipped me into shape and we managed it in time, just, but Jesus, it was all fucking ridiculous. I am much better now that I know I actually have a problem rather than assuming I'm normal though.

@BertieBotts - by complete accident I finally sussed what worked for me re studying. I managed a law degree by forming a really great study group - I ended up leading the damn things (the university put all of the mature students together into one tutorial group, so we all met early on). Because it was my 'baby' I felt obligated to have my notes ready for our study sessions, and know what I was talking about. So the evening before the study session I would be frantically typing up the lecture notes and getting on my tutorial questions.

By keeping on top if it, it was easier to stay motivated and my procrastination never got out of control.

As a side effect, because most of the study sessions were at my place, I had the tidiest flat I had ever had in my life....

You're right Bertie - I'm hoping a fresh start will help with the accumulated crap in my life....

This thread is amazing. The poster ifeel earlier described me perfectly.

Underachieving - tick
Chaotic home life - tick
Self medicating with drugs etc - tick

On the outside I'm a confident personable adult. On the inside it's like there's a permanent hand grenade in my head.

I've not through the entire thread but I have the feeling I may have undiagnosed ADHD. For a while I thought it may be ASD or something, ADHD always seemed to be the label that I associated with super hyper kids rather than my plain weirdness.

I'm constantly interrupting, like I have SO MUCH I need to share that in the excitement I forget my manners. I was always a know it all, but not to be smug. I just want to help. I struggle with people and make a good first impression but then people pull away. I don't think I'm particularly intense but I say the wrong thing or people just don't feel like they click with me. I shed friends cyclically and jobs too, I get all excited and involved then the cracks appear and it's easier to move on because it's the drama gets like s big mess inside my head. I'm disorganised as fuck, bolstered only slightly by a slightly eidetic memory (though losing that since having kids). I get obsessed with new ventures only to drop them and move onto the next thing. Sensory issues with teeth brushing and (it sounds awful) but showering and bathing. I force myself but I hate it.

I am not really sure what seeking a diagnosis will do. My dh is a tad old school and wouldn't necessarily understand me seeking it. For those who take meds, in what way does it help? Are you able to "be normal"? How does it feel?

Hi everyone this thread has been very helpful. Like some pps I have never really considered ADHD to explain some of my weirdness problems, because I am not hyper at all, people joke I am a sloth.

Knowing quite a bit about ASD I definitely recognised traits in myself but it didn't quite fit. I have always struggled socially and I have sensory issues but I enjoy social things in limited amounts and like to work with others, I love small talk the bane of most
aspies lives 😁. So although my social difficulties and sensory issues have been a problem I can deal with these and its never quite explained why life is so difficult. I'm not unhappy with my limited social life and I avoid busy places and always wear the soft clothes I prefer. I really identify with what people are talking about on here about forgetfulness, absentmindedness, procrastinating, and poor decision making causing them so many issues in daily life and in terms of their lifelong achievements. I also have a terrible sense of direction. I wouldn't say I'm clumsy, but I'm quite slow at things I have noticed other people seem to get faster and faster at jobs they do often, whereas I can normally learn a task but tend to get stuck at a fairly slow speed. Like others I have never lived up to my potential as a very bright kid who did great at school up to GCSE level. After that I took unsuitable college courses and struggled with everything. I did pass my course and went onto Uni but I couldn't cope with it and dropped out. I've ended up in minimum wage jobs where my lack of speed at physical tasks is a big hindrance and my other problems like poor organisation, messiness, bad mental arithmetic, forgetfulness, procrastination, scruffiness etc are all issues. Of course after having my dd and working round childcare it is even harder to find a job that suits. Anyway I feel like I would need to find quite a niche job to do well. I'm normally exhausted and stressed after my 4 hour shift and this probably has hit my self esteem. I also have the same problems at home and much as I hate deadlines I find that the lack of structure at home means I just sit about and MN for hours, then feel guilty and anxious about my lack of progress with the house and things. Rather than drugs or self medication, I have turned to food and I struggle with overeating esp sugary junk. I also drink a lot of coffee. A while ago I did really well on a meal replacement diet, that seemed to suit me with its very simple black and white rules but once I reached my goal weight I soon put it all back on, I know this is a hazard of such diets but I really struggle with normal healthy eating plans and my poor decision making means I just turn all the plans over and over in my head. Someone upthread mentioned knowing what to do, but not being able to do it. I know heaps about healthy eating, various diets how to meal plan etc but the minute I try to do it myself I just come up against some obstacles and straight back to the overeating and biscuits.
My dh also has some problems, he is much more on the autistic side than me, he loves routine and is very organised about everything, although often in somewhat odd ways.
This can be helpful as he helps me with organising and remembering things and so on but sometimes it can be a problem as dh is very inflexible about so many things. For example meal planning is something I struggle with, but he likes to eat a variation of plain meat and two veg every day; roast potatoes and cooked veg in winter and oven chips and (plain) salad in summer. He doesn't mind if I have the same (although he struggles to understand why anyone wouldn't want to eat his way) but because I find it hard to decide on my own meal I often end up having the same as him but feeling I don't enjoy it. I then eat some cakes and snacks to make up for my boring dinner. This sort of thing happens with outings and other family things too.
I often worry about our dd, she has a lot of her own quirks as well as having had a strange upbringing with two slightly weird parents. But at the moment she seems ok.
I'm also interested to hear about anyone who has benefited from medication and what else you can do in terms of lifestyle changes and so on.

@Teacakeandalatte - I read somewhere that its quite common for someone with Inattentive ADHD to couple up with someone with ASD. There's an overlapping of some traits and sufficient differences in other traits for a relationship to be successful, at least for awhile.

My Soon to be ExDH has suspected High Functioning ASD, which is what made me look it up.

People mention bad decision making, but for me I think it's lack of impulse control. In 'Driven to Distraction' they point out that is why so many are overweight, because they can't control the impulse to snack on junk food in the house. When you go on a strict diet, most people will get rid of the junk food in the house, or at least severely limit it, THAT's why they lose the weight. The junk isn't there to snack on, and you can't be arsed to get up and go to the shops to buy anything, so you don't eat junk. (Says she who has just bought the 4th lot of Easter eggs and who is hoping to avoid eating them before they are given to the DSs....!)

@Teacakeandlatte

My dh also has some problems, he is much more on the autistic side than me, he loves routine and is very organised about everything, although often in somewhat odd ways

This reminds me of my DH too. He went for testing to see about being on the spectrum but never completed it as he would have had to ask his mum questions about his childhood and he really didn’t want to. DH craves routine, can eat the same thing every night for dinner for weeks. Having mess around the house makes him feel anxious whereas I make mess and either don’t consider it mess, or I notice there’s a spoon on the floor and do nothing about it. I don’t think ‘nah, i’ll do that later’, I just don’t think about it. It’s funny that we’ve ended up together and my scattiness and impulsiveness have caused some awful fights. He is 10 years my senior and in some ways I think I gravitated towards someone who was older, was very organised, a homeowner and had a proper job because I always felt so adrift and incapable.

He gets frustrated with me when he asks me to make a decision (which holiday let do I like, what will we have for tea) and I say ‘leave it with me’. He’s like ‘no, please decide now.’ So for me that feels like immense pressure and for him he feels anxious because i’m still meandering about. We were going through DS’s baby clothes to pass as much as we could onto friends with a new baby and it ended in a massive fight because he’s holding up items going ‘yes or no?’ and i’m putting everything in the maybe pile. I was so angry that he couldn’t respect my need to spend a wee bit more time thinking about my only baby’s clothes and he was upset because I couldn’t understand his need to not have loads of stuff lying about.

Some pair!

Thats funny agentcooper my dh is 10 years older too. Yes I did think he was more capable than he is and didn't see his organised ways are a coping mechanism. One thing about him he is also an intelligent underachiever in that he probably had the potential to get higher qualifications and have a good career, but he just works in a factory, but at the same time he isn't very ambitious and he is good at his job so he seems quite content in many ways. Whereas I always feel I am struggling with everything and wish I was better at things.

YY I feel more sloth like than hyper. But where I do show the hyperactivity is verbally - I can talk the hind legs off a donkey, I interrupt inappropriately, like a PP said I am just bursting with excitement to get my thoughts out - and I think, also, I'm aware that if I don't interject my bit immediately, by the time I've finished listening to the end of the person's story, I'll have forgotten what I wanted to say. I've somewhat got over that part, but I haven't managed to master actually listening to the rest of the story before I add my own bit, which I know is really awful. I have to hold onto my thought which overrides the listening chip. It's better when I'm with another ADHD like friend because I interject and then say - but carry on, sorry - and they aren't annoyed

My husband is very organised as well. I don't think he has ASD, but he definitely has a few similarities, likes order, routine, is quite introverted, etc. I do think that these are qualities I was drawn to in him because his calmness is so absolutely different to me that it is like a kind of soothing effect.

AgentCooper perhaps it would work if you gave him a timescale? Like "I will decide by Wednesday" so you're not on the spot but also (to him) it's not stretching on forever.

I haven't been on medication for very long but I do feel it benefits me. I can try to give some examples, though I don't know how helpful they are because I hear everyone has different experiences. Some people say it quiets the chaos/noise in their brain, it doesn't for me. I don't know if I said here, but the most noticeable thing it does for me is that it seems to regulate time. I don't find that hours have slipped away unnoticed. And when I'm doing something boring I can stick at it without it seeming to drag on and on and on. Obviously time is still relative - boring things seem to take longer than fun things - but it seems that for me unmedicated this effect is vastly increased to a level I hadn't really realised.

It seems to regulate my appetite and tired status better. Unmedicated I can stay awake half the night, medicated I get sleepy right around 10.30. I notice my hunger so I actually eat regularly. However most people find they have a reduced appetite on stimulants and tend to forget to eat.

Just little things - DH got annoyed tonight because I kept announcing that I'd started doing jobs but not finished them (the dishwasher, clearing the baby's dropped food, changing the bed sheet) until I pointed out that usually I start jobs, get called away/distracted and then totally forget I ever started them, or worse, think that I've finished them. Me being aware that a job is still unfinished is an improvement. I have also noticed that some days I go - oh - I have a spare half an hour - I'll take the plates to the kitchen, which is never something I'd do before. Or I'll get things ready in advance, which was a rarity before. Overall it's an improvement, but nothing especially life changing yet.

I will come back tomorrow with other methods because I am tired now. :) One thing I can highly recommend is the Youtube channel How To ADHD, for practical tips. And the talks by Russell Barkley, for understanding ADHD - he gets it. They are quite emotional to listen to though.

This video really spoke to me.

ADHD ers have a lack of emotional regulation along with rejection sensitivity dysphoria. This video explains why and what it looks like in real life. (my life!!🤣)

Was there meant to be a link there? I can't find it and would like to watch the video.

See I find the RSD thing to be infuriating because it sounds so snowflakey and I was all set to dismiss it as bullshit (there is a lot of BS talked about ADHD online, unfortunately) except that it does actually account for a weird thing I've never quite been able to quantify. I'm not sure I agree with everything about it - I don't actually want people to tiptoe around me for fear of setting it off, but it's been useful to me to understand why I seem to "overreact" to certain things, and I do think some of the tips for handling it are good as they are things that DH does almost automatically, and probably why I feel comfortable with him despite being probably a terrible wife/housemate in general. (Notably: He's nice to me even if he's annoyed with me, never ever sulks, is clear about it if he needs time and communicates directly, does not expect mind reading.)

This one?

Ha ha sorry that is actually hilarious that I didn't post the link.

Carelessness eh ! Try again...

Ooh that's part of the long Russell Barkley playlist which is fantastic, worth a listen. I listened to it all while cleaning the first time.

Interesting- I looked up RSD and came across Reflex sympathetic dystrophy. I thought this was what was meant. Its rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I will look into this. I was always described as a reticent child and felt that I needed to be given active permission to join in. I never wanted to be singled out or the centre of attention. I felt it was safer to fade into the background rather than have opinions. I hardly spoke for about two years. I find asking people for help very difficult. I did get more confident but I still struggle with fear of the unknown.

This thread is helping me through a difficult time. Managed a couple of goals. Now going a hyper focus mission to organise my work. I do need new strategies but this will do for now! Will read everyone's replies properly and post again.

This thread has convinced me to get a diagnosis so I have booked a private assessment for May

I just remembered I wrote a post on Reddit a while back where I detailed my no-medication strategies.

www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/5v54yo/people_who_do_not_use_medication_to_deal_with/ddzp2l2/

To add to that now - I have a "bedtime routine" I also detailed on reddit just today:

www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/bei21t/tips_for_going_to_sleep_at_a_decent_time/el69h8y/

I'd also add: Tie things to fixed points in time. I used to get downstairs on time by calculating that I needed at least 30 minutes to make and drink a cup of tea in the morning, so I needed to get down before 8.10 so we could leave by 8.40. If I got down later I wasn't allowed tea. When I was at school, I used to try and get downstairs in time to watch Friends on Channel 4, because if I left when it finished, I'd be on time. Don't try and trick yourself by setting clocks fast or saying "I can have a chocolate bar when I finish this" - your brain is not that disciplined and will just say back "But I could just eat it now". So fix it to a reason you can't argue with.

I haven't bothered with the Joylent for a while - too expensive - but I never plan to make food which takes any longer than 20 minutes. Slow cooker or quick dinners only. Try to keep some cheats in too. The recent frozen veg thread was brilliant, I bookmarked it. Occasionally we have longer stuff when I know I'll have time and inclination.

TIME YOURSELF DOING STUFF. I cannot stress this enough. If you can rope in a DH or DC to help you do this it will be better. (Do it for your ASD, ADHD, dyslexic, dyspraxic DC as well). It helps if you don't rush and try to do it as quickly as possible (as will be your temptation) - allow yourself some ambling and contingency time. If a competent adult helped you, get them to check at the end that you did it properly, didn't miss something essential - if it's getting out the door for example, actually leave the house, and then check you have everything you would need with you. Add in the time to fix these things. Write down your findings somewhere you can't lose them. Google drive is excellent. Yes, Google has my soul, but it works.

This helps with:

• properly allocating time to things like getting ready, cooking, etc.
• convincing yourself to do boring tasks like empty the dishwasher (I know it only takes me 7m, I had been thinking it had to be at least twice that).

• selecting a contrasting motivation/concentration aid. I use TED talks and podcasts to get me through boring things like ironing. Match the length to the task(s).

Oh, and - make use of your smartphone.

DO NOT have distracting apps as links on the home page. Leave them buried in a folder on the most hard to reach page of the app list. Even better, remove the apps (I'm not that good) and access pages through the web browser. Even better, sign out and change your password to something hard to type so it's difficult to log in.

Disable notifications for everything, go in and re-allow the ones you will find useful. Disable the little red number which tells you how many notifications you have inside the app (unless important, e.g. email)

If you have iphone, links to your productivity tools (calendar, to do list, weather report, bus timetable etc) in a folder or loose on the first page.

If you have android, use widgets for these things so that scrolling through your home page just reminds you of what you should be doing, rather than alerting you to all the time wasting you should be doing.

Unsubscribe from spam mail so that the only email you get is useful. There's a tool somewhere which shows you what you're subscribed to. I also find Gmail's separate inboxes useful.

Consider setting up things like IFTTT or the google/siri assistant thing. These can do things like automatically notify you about items on a shopping list when you enter an area (town centre) or change Philips Hue smart bulbs to red and dim settings in the evening to help you feel sleepy, or light up slowly to yellow in the morning as an alarm clock.