Thread for those with adult ADHD or who think they might have ADHD

[Borntobedifferent]

So I've put this into mental health as although it isn't really a mental health issue it tends to be discovered (in adults) when there is other mental health issues.

I've written a few times elsewhere on here about my ADHD but thought it might be nice to have an ongoing thread.

All that i ask is that we focus on adult ADHD as I'm sure there is other threads for those with children with ADHD.

I am nearly a year diagnosed now (I'm 37) and am on Elvanse 40mg and amfexa 5mg first thing in the morning.

I am so on 200mg sertraline and diazepam as by the time I was diagnosed I was just totally broken.

I have a therapist and today I started with an ADHD coach, I have to learn to accept my past and to embrace the positives of ADHD but it's not an easy thing to do.

Thanks @ADHDme and @borntobedifferent for the helpful links!

I read an article in the Sunday Times recently by a woman who’d been fairly recently diagnosed and she used a great phrase for how others seemed to view her lack of organisation and absent mindedness when it caused problems in her relationships - it was something like malicious or deliberate fuckwittedness. That is definitely how DH has viewed me at times - like my apparent laziness and lack of concern for housekeeping is just selfishness on my part. He doesn’t see me like that all the time but it always comes up in arguments.

Dh is really accepting of how I am. I am so grateful for that. It has made a huge difference to both of us that I now understand what's going on.

I have suspected for a few years that I may have ADHD, as the traits my son is showing reminds me of my childhood, school life and even in to adult life. I was always getting into trouble at school for "daydreaming" and not completing my work. No matter how hard I tried and the grand ideas that I thought about going on to doing A levels, I still got rubbish GCSE results.
I completely lack organisational skills and was always being ridiculed at work for not being able to complete the work section that I was on (I was a chef) in time. I remember colleagues use to call me "speedy" as a piss take because of how long things took me to complete. The only way I used to be able to focus on what I was doing and get the job done properly was by taking amphetamines. This was a complete game changer for me but because of not knowing what was in them and the strength, I became addicted. I had a full mental breakdown from the bullying in the workplace too, as I never felt good enough.

I can't work now due to being a full time carer for my disabled DS but even day to day things like housework never seem to be completed as I can never focus on getting on bit done at a time. I feel that because I don't work, that a doctor is not going to take me seriously with my concerns. My DS3 is finally being assessed by CAMHS next month for ASD and ADHD.

Just heading to bed, but place marking for tomorrow. I had a bit of a rant on that lateness thread, some of you may have seen it.

Undiagnosed ADHD in women is a real problem and I'm a passionate defender of the disorganized and chronically late, because I was that person. If my story and experiences can help anyone get to a specialist then I'm more than happy to share them with you.

I'll come back tomorrow. Unless I completely forget to of course. 😉

Hello, marking place. It was about six years ago I started to think I might have ADHD, took me 3 years to get around to and get referred for diagnosis. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and just started medication recently. I live in Germany so I'm having to navigate an unfamiliar healthcare system in another language too which is fun.

I was told I fit the diagnostic criteria for OCD but it's borderline and she thought that was ADHD coming through so it's not on my diagnosis, just that I'm "perfectionist". She said I was probably high IQ but she didn't have an IQ test in English.

DS1 was diagnosed last year as well. He has ADHD and anxiety relating to perfectionism and is also intelligent. I keep forgetting to make him an appointment with a therapist though so nothing has really happened with him.

I think I only post on the late threads to meet other ADHD posters these days :o

You found us @BertieBotts

Joining thread. Just realised this is me. And my mum. And my DS. I made DH do the test and it’s him too 😂😱😂 which explains why our house is such a shambles.

The late thread triggered me to start my own ‘how do I stop being late’ thread. Among the responses telling me to do less and stop being so rude, selfish and inconsiderate were a couple of people suggesting ADHD or dyspraxia. I love an internet diagnosis so I thought I’d have a look thinking it was ridiculous- I have a PhD for goodness sake, surely people who can’t focus don’t write a thesis?! only it turns out sometimes they do. In my case it took counselling to get the first sentence on the page and I would then write at night when there were no distractions and get hyper focussed, I pretty much only surfaced when I was starving and fell asleep when I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

So much of the ADHD stuff resonates with me including what people have said here. Like a PP I’ve always wanted the subtitles on the TV, it’s a combination of being able to glance up and capture the info quickly while doing something else at the same time so not having to actually ‘watch’ the TV and the fact that I can’t bear how loud the music and loud bits have to be for me to hear the dialogue. However, loads of the organisational stuff fits for me but I was very successful academically, a model child at school (and bullied for it), I’ve worked in one organisation for 10 years (admittedly in about 5 roles and 2 countries) and not had any major problems. That said I was most successful when I first started in an operational, fast paced role and with a manager who was happy for me to work from home when I had reports to write up so I wasn’t distracted in the open office. It’s frankly been a bit downhill since! I’ve never self medicated and certainly never engaged in risky, impulsive or criminal behaviour - if anything I’m paralysed by indecision and procrastination. I’ve also responded to treatment for depression several times over the last 15 years - which I wouldn’t if it were ADHD. But then the first 4 psychological indicators and first 5 or 6 behavioural indicators could have been written about me.

I’ve wondered for a long time if I have some ASD traits or dispraxia (I am so clumsy it’s ridiculous) but never for a second consisted ADHD. Looking back at what I’ve written above I’m wondering if I have some unspecific executive functioning and/or sensory processing disorder. I don’t seem to fit the full diagnostic criteria for anything.

I am definitely clumsy, late, untidy, distractable, part way through a million things and feeling like I’m not doing any of them well.

I asked DH this evening to tell me when he thought I was losing focus and he inmediately said ‘focus’ and I said no, no, I mean when I’m not staying on track to do what I need to and he said ‘yep, focus’ so I said OK, on what? The conversation went; ‘what time is it?’, ‘10pm’, ‘so what should you be doing?’ ‘Getting ready for bed’ ‘and what are you doing?’ ‘Cuddling the poorly baby, looking up ADHD diagnostic criteria, watching TV and cooking muffins - oh, yes, point taken’. I have at least 50 tabs open on my phone internet browser related to things I’m doing, want to be doing, should be doing, want to buy, am researching etc. It’s like a visual representation of my brain! I also have what my parents used to describe as ‘verbal diarrhoea’ I never grew out of the stage of just saying whatever was in my head all the time - I don’t know how that hasn’t caused me more issues at work.

On the other hand as mentioned, I’ve been successfully treated with anti depressants, I am stupidly clumsy and bump into things all the time (more dispraxia?), I have to have a plan and stick to the plan (but not necessarily a routine) and I’m over sensitive to noise, crowds and chaos (more ASD), I worry about everything and I really dislike myself a lot of the time (depression?). Or maybe it’s just perfectly normal to have a few traits from all these things and I actually I am entirely NT just a bit disorganised, scatty and crap generally and looking for an excuse.

DHs view is that it doesn’t matter anyway, I should just use whatever time management strategies I find that work for me whether they are aimed at people with ADHD or not. I guess it’s only if I end up back on anti-depressants it’s worth considering if other medication could work better for me. I’m bf at the moment and the HV has convinced me to make a drs appointment to discuss my mental health but I’ve put it a few weeks away so I can try some self help strategies first as I’d prefer to avoid ADs while I’m feeding if I can. I don’t know if I’d be completely crazy to bring up the possibility that it could be something else instead. I just don’t want my children to grow up with memories of a mummy that burst into tears when dinner didn’t turn out the way she wanted, whatever the root cause.

Ok I haven't RTFT but I'm 38 and I've got ADHD. I'm about to go to bed but I wanted to comment to save this thread.

Re whether to go for a diagnosis or not. I have found it has helped me as it has explained so much.

I suppose it also depends in what place your life is at. I had a breakdown after years of under achieving, not being able to hold down jobs and having people go out their way to tell me they didnt like me because people see me as cocky, full of myself and too blunt.

The diagnosis alone wasnt enough to help its working towards acceptance now that is. The thread about lateness I was posting on made me laugh as much as it made me sad, people have no empathy for ADHD. Most people dont think its real and if they do they think its little kids with too much energy or adults who talk a lot and cant sit still (this is true of me but if they were my only two issues life would be fine!)

Its that constant feeling of failing, of nothing ever going quite right, of self destruction, of constantly flying by the seat of my pants and that life just generally felt really hard.

It doesnt right now feel easier but I have a little bit more compassion for myself and in the long run my adhd coach will be able to change the narrative in my head - to focus on my strengths and to use these to have a happy and fullfilling life.

But yes, dont expect anyone to understand and if you try and explain they will simply say oooh I do that or well no ones likes doing chores do they?

Evening all. I promised to come back and tell you how I got to this point, in case it can help anyone who finds themselves in the same position that I was.

I’m 50 and was diagnosed with ADHD about 9/10 years ago.

Prior to that, I spent my entire life thinking why is everything so hard? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else?

As a child I was an average achiever, well behaved and sociable. School reports always highlighted that I was easily distracted, a daydreamer and a chatterbox, clever but did not apply myself. High school was much the same, except this time I had to study, and I just could not make myself do it, I’d find anything else more interesting.

At work I learned about time management. It made sense. Could I do it? No chance. I had to be places on time, and found it really hard. I had deadlines to meet and often missed them. I told myself that I worked best under pressure. I realised over time that jobs that contained lots of variety suited me best. I got bored easily and changed jobs regularly when I was younger. I was really great however at coming up with ideas and problem solving, so made a great career of that in consulting, where I could pretty much change jobs every few months.

At home however it was a car crash. Bills didn’t get paid on time, even though I had the money there. I’d just forget. My house was a bomb site. I couldn’t make housework a regular thing. I couldn’t do routines, like people who wash their car every Sunday or do their laundry on Saturday. I knew I should, I knew how to, but I couldn’t.

And I was late for absolutely everything.

My XH couldn’t handle it, but he would tell me I was lazy, that it was easy, that ‘Claire’ across the road’s house was always spotless. That my car was like a skip. And I believed him. When I asked him to help me, he said if he did that I’d never learn.

On and on it went for years.

I just couldn’t do these things like everyone else, and they made it look so easy, and I felt like shit about myself all the time.

Working as a management consultant and trainer, I had all the books on self improvement. I’d even read most of them. And I still couldn’t do it.

Then one day I heard an interview with someone talking about being diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 50 and it was like a bomb going off in my head. He described how I felt exactly.

I sat on it for a while, read up on ADHD, thought there might be something in that and went to my GP. He promptly chased me away telling me I was just a busy mum with a high pressure job. A few months passed and I went back again. This time to a different GP at the practice who wrote a letter to the CMH team. They came back saying much the same as the other GP.

I tried a third time. This time I took all the self improvement books I’d bought to help me ‘be better’, and explained this to the Locum GP who immediately said ‘I think you’re right’. This left to a referral to an adult ADHD specialist and a prescription for Concerta. My life changed that day.

Every single aspect of my life has improved since then. I grieved for the life I might have had if I’d been diagnosed as a child or younger adult, but looking back it doesn’t matter.

These days I’m still not like ‘Claire’ across the road, but I keep on top of my housework, I pay my bills, I get places on time etc. It’s not easy, it takes planning, but now I’m able to plan, whereas it wouldn’t have occurred to me before. Now I know that if I have to be somewhere for 11.00 and it’s half an hour away, I factor in things like having to park and pay for parking and walk to the coffee shop, as well as building in an extra few minutes incase I have to go back for my phone or the birthday present I was meant to take with me.

I’ve massively decluttered my house, as I find that the more stuff I have, the harder it is to keep track of it. (I decluttered the twattish husband first BTW).

There’s so much more, and I’m happy to answer any questions you have.

Sorry I just realised that's a very long story! 🙈

Placemarking to read properly tomorrow too.

I said on another thread recently that I seem to score quite highly for ASD as well as inattentive ADHD so I don’t know where to start. I’ve also been aware of it for years, but have been very against the idea that there’s something wrong with me. Oh I’m just anxious and introverted and have no attention span! Aren’t we just pathologising normal personality types, etc?

Then I turned it around on myself and thought “but wouldn’t it explain a LOT about you?” and the lightbulb went off over my head. Since then I’ve been a lot more aware of my issues but haven’t done anything about it still

I think I’m only just starting to realise the extent of what I thought was “normal” about the way I function really. Both because I have no comparison, but also because I’ve always been like this.

I did mention to my counsellor last week that I reckon ASD awareness is improving, people are realising that it affects women etc, whereas people still think that ADHD is either made up or only applies to naughty primary school aged boys.

When I was in primary school one of my teachers gave me a small whiteboard to doodle on. She knew I would be listening to what she was saying, though. She was also the one who first mentioned the possibility of me having Aspergers. She was a lovely teacher who everyone in my class loved. My other teachers were nice too, just that she in particular was particularly admired.

This is the problem for me - how much of my 'normal' is just a slightly more chaotic/impulsive version of most people's 'normal' Then there are the coping strategies we learn over time which mask certain aspects...you never truly know how your experience compares to others.

This thread is so helpful.

@DrWhy I have a PhD for goodness sake, surely people who can’t focus don’t write a thesis?! only it turns out sometimes they do

Me too Not formally diagnosed but am almost certain I have it.

Yes, why do people go out of their way to say they don't like you? I find this very hard. I have to choose my friends carefully. Unfortunately I struggle to maintain them on my own so really my only friendships are those connected to a regular activity, other people, or who have ADHD or similar themselves so they get it.

Some traits of ASD and ADHD line up although they are both comorbid sometimes. One important distinction is Sensory Processing Disorder - often associated with ASD but is actually a standalone thing and can be associated with ADHD.

Sorry have not read more - need to get lunch sorted.

2/3 of my kids are diagnosed with adhd. For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt different like I didn’t fit. I was very verbally impulsive when young and my mum described me as “challenging”. My long term memory is awful, working memory is also very poor. I did well in school but I had to work very very hard. My hyperfocus is helpful but I find getting started on things very hard and tend to make careless mistakes. I’m also very unmotivated by a lot of things as I find I need a lot of stimulation. I have intense, crushing feelings of boredom which is probably the thing I find most hard. It leaves me very unfulfilled and depressed. When I’m watching TV I’ll also be on my phone and kindle. So I find concentration quite hard. Lots of MH issues over the years and since my kids were diagnosed it was a lightbulb moment though i don’t have the courage to ask for an assessment.

@DoNotTouchTheTree Thank you so much for sharing. I'm sure others like me will find it inspiring.

I have intense, crushing feelings of boredom which is probably the thing I find most hard.

Intense crushing feelings are what I struggle with the most. That and my inability to focus my monkey mind.

I find parenting very hard with ADHD but it's only since we had DS1 diagnosed that I am admitting to myself that even without my crapness, he IS challenging. I don't really know what to think about that because for so long I've just blamed myself - my inconsistency, lack of discipline, or disconnectedness or depression or lack of routine.

DS2 is very different and I will be surprised if he turns out to have it (though it is much much too early to tell) whereas DS1 we were sort of joking around about ADHD by the time he was maybe 18 months old and he was a very tense baby who would not relax unless he was absolutely forced to. In fact actually at DS2's age now (8 months) I was constantly having to restrain DS1 if I ever wanted him to fall asleep (and he was ratty with no sleep so I did). But I feel very disloyal to DS1 by saying/thinking these things and also that he's not really that difficult - he doesn't have meltdowns (any more) etc. So I keep swaying between these feelings.

This morning we were talking because he wanted to know why I have cut his screen time down to 3 hours (the horror) and was looking at my own timetable and scrutinising how much screen time I had allowed myself (!) and his argument was that with unlimited screentime he was less annoying. And I said yes, but that also when left to his own devices he uses 13 hours in a day, which is too much. I think it's important he does non-screen things and that it's something he needs to learn how to do. He said he only likes doing new things and I said of course - that's part of your ADHD, liking new things. But that was fantastic because there are hundreds of thousands of possible new things you can do in the world and he can't possibly have done all of them yet.

I get the non motivation thing. I’m not a particularly ambitious kind of person, although if I do find something that’s interesting that may change.
I don’t really get particularly bored, I can always find something to do. The biggest problem I had with boredom was on my year abroad, which was shit. There was bugger all to do where I stayed, and limited access to the internet. My mother sent me a lot of DVD box sets which helped keep me sane. If it had been thirty years ago, or pre-internet, I would’ve dropped out. The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that I wanted to get my degree.

I'm enjoying reading this thread, quite a lot resonates, but quite a lot doesn't.

DS has ADHD and I, too, had a "lightbulb" moment when CAMHS said it was hereditary. It's definitely come from my father, and I'm fairly sure I've got it too, but never thought to do anything about it.

In fact, a point of pride with my parents is that my school sent me to a paediatrician for diagnosis when I was 6 because I was constantly distracting myself and other children and being sent out the classroom, but paediatrician said I was just bored.

In school, i was labelled bright but lazy - "not reaching her potential, not focusing, not trying hard enough". Carbon copy of DS's school reports.

As an adult, I've suffered with depression, and am utterly scatterbrained when it comes to mundane household things. DH often jokes that I can remember the lyrics to every 1990s song every written, but have no idea where my phone is at any given time, or why I went to the supermarket.

In work, I flit from thing to thing. I can't work with a To Do list as it flummoxes me. I rely on dealing instantaneously with requests that come in, which has earned me a really good reputation in the organisation, but really has nothing to do with being efficient. I do it straight away so I know it's gone and done and it then won't clutter my thoughts. I REALLY struggle when several high-importance time-sensitive tasks come in at the same time. It overwhelms me and I don't know where to start.

On the flip side, I'm never late. In fact, I probably overcompensate by getting to places way earlier than I need to as it stresses me out so much to know that people are waiting or that I might miss an appointment.

Socially, I'm funny and people like my company, but I really have to psych myself up for occasions with more than 2 or 3 really close friends. I find them exhausting. I also find relentless noise really difficult (looking at you, DS) and almost have to build in recovery time at the end of each day when I'm just by myself.

Does anyone have any quick links that help explain what ADHD can look like in adults? I don't think I'm in a position where I'd actually want to go to get checked for a diagnosis, but if there's a chance I have it, it would be good to know if there's anything I'm doing in life that makes it worse!

Ah, I see now what the Youtube video is!